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At the end of my rope

1504 Views 31 Replies 28 Participants Last post by  jsmith2279, 
M
I'm going to lose it. Seriously.

I feel like I'm on here every day either posting a problem or a worry. This is only confirming for me that I'm doing such a lousy job. None of my IRL friends seem to have complained so much.

DS won't sleep unless I'm holding him. If I put him down, he wakes up within 15 minutes. And the only place I can put him down is in his car seat. He won't sleep lying flat. I put him on his tummy the other day and it lasted a little while, but I'm not "supposed" to do that. He barely sleeps at night.

He sleeps when he's nursing though, that's not a problem! Then it seems like he doesn't eat enough, so he's up again in a few minutes.

I guess I could spend the entire day and night (for what seems like the rest of my life) in my bed, topless, with him attached to me.

I put him in his carrier, and sometimes he likes it, but mostly I have to be walking around. Otherwise he's kicking me and slamming his head into my chest.

I have been having tons of breastfeeding trouble - you can read all about it in that forum. It's non-stop, painful bf-ing.

I try to entertain him, but he doesn't seem to enjoy it. I know he's young, but I don't know what to do with him. Then I find myself online or watching TV. Is that good parenting? It seems like no.

I can't eat, I can't sleep. All I do is argue with DH. He says I seem depressed (ya think?). Then he tells me that he thought I knew this would be hard. I didn't know it was going to be this hard, all day, every day for weeks on end. I thought I would enjoy this. I thought there would be fun times. And maybe we've had fun times, but I'm so tired and unhappy that I feel like I enjoy nothing anymore.

I just want to get out of here and sleep for about a week or two.

I can't go outside, it's way too cold now. I go back to work in 5 weeks. How in the world am I supposed to hold down a job when I'm up all night? DH works a ton and is NO HELP when he gets home. In fact he often complains about how dirty our house is and how tired he is and blah blah blah...

I feel like such a bad mother. I can't keep up and I'm losing my mind. I'm embarrassed at how bad I'm doing with all of this. I wanted this baby so badly. It was all I could think about for years. And now I keep wondering why I wanted this - I'm so unhappy. And how can I be this unhappy with this beautiful baby whose only crime is wanting his mama 24/7.

DHs suggestion is to have his mother come and stay with me to help me. I don't want her here, watching me fall apart. I don't want someone else to take DS like he's a problem I need help dealing with.

I'm nursing him again, he's falling asleep, which means he won't eat enough, he won't stay asleep and I'll be doing this again in less than an hour.

Is it this bad for everyone and I'm just stupid for thinking it would be different? Why can everyone else do it and not me. What's wrong with me...
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A


I'm sorry that it's so difficult so far. It sounds like your little one is pretty needy right now.

I think that you should have a talk with your DH. Cleaning is not a priority right now, and if it really is for him, he needs to help, agree to hire a cleaning service, whatever. I would try to get him to agree to take care of Nathan one night on the weekend, so that you can try to get some sleep. Obviously, you will be interrupted to feed him, but if he needs to be rocked, changed, etc, maybe he can help with that.

I would find a PPD support group. Even if it turns out that you don't have PPD, it will likely help to talk to others who are struggling.

Keep trying with the sling. As his head gets stronger, you can put him forward facing.. it sounds like facing you he is too tempted to nurse?

It also might help to get out of the house. You say it's too cold to walk much, but you could go to the mall and walk. Better yet, find some other mamas to hang out with. I go to LLL meetings all over town just to get out and be with other grown-ups. Your son is too young to play, as is my daughter, but I still go to baby playgroups for the social interaction for ME.

My baby is actually easy-going, but I have heard so many moms say that things got easier around 3 months .. I know that feels far away now....
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Daisie125


Your baby is still SO young, this really is the hard part, and most of all, what you are feeling is NORMAL. It is SO easy to get burned out when they are tiny.

I second the PPs suggestion for a PPD support group, or a doc of some kind, if you DO have PPD (and I'm not saying you do) the sooner you start treating it, the better.

My DS has slept on his tummy since about 2-3 months, that's just the way he sleeps. By all means, if he will sleep on his tummy, let him! Not everything can be done perfectly all the time, and I bet if you took a poll, a good chunk of the mamas here would admit to letting their babes sleep on their tummy.

Things didn't get really "good" with either of my kiddos until they were around 5 or 6 months and could REALLY interact with me.

There is NO SHAME in asking for help. If you don't want your MIL there because you don't like/trust her, that's fine, but if you can use the help, by all means, take it. There is nothing wrong with taking some time for yourself either!

Do get out of the house, even if you can't go outside, go to the park, a play group, heck, go sit at McDonald's and drink a soda or a milkshake for an hour and just be out. It really does wonders to get out for a little bit!
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devster4fun
Michelle, I have not read your other posts or threads, but I do feel for you and know what you're going through. I can offer some things that worked for us, I would guess you've heard most of it before.

I'm a first time mom to a 10 month old. The first 3 months were VERY difficult. It was hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But, it IS there. Hang in and know what a good job you are doing.

-Can you any of your friends offer help or support? There is no shame in asking for help. It's a tough, tough job....especially with a lack of sleep.

-Have you tried a co-sleeper? We used this from the beginning and it was a blessing. She was literally right next to me, but in her own space. I think this made the transition to her crib much easier.

-Yes, entertaining a 3 month old is weird. She seemed to like to watch things above her head, as she lay. I had one of those gyms with the criss/cross thing and stuff attached. She would look at the things for a few minutes...just a enough time to shower
Does he like a stroller? We have walked the local mall hundreds of times. The change of scenery seems to be KEY!!

-There will be fun times....amazing times, scary times, crazy etc...it's a journey. I've really had to work on living in the moment. Before baby, I had everything on a schedule, planned and neat. Now, the house is trashed, schedules are out the window and I live for each hour. Try to enjoy and think of the positive side of things. It sounds trite and cliche', but I really think it's true. Many, many things in life are a choice...how we look at a situation.

-Do you have a plan for returning to work? That is going to be a very big challenge for sure. Is there anyway you could go part-time...

-Boo on your DH...even though he's working too, he needs to find some way to help you. You're working 20 hour days with no lunches, breaks. Can you have a calm, honest discussion with him? If he want you happy, he should be willing to provide some help.

-You are not a bad mother. You're a new mother. Think about it this way. What other profession do you know, where the worker becomes an expert in 3 months? Imagine a pilot...they go to school for years, practice for thousands of hours before they can fly other people anywhere. (Weird example, it just popped in my head!!) Yet, mamas expect themselves to be "perfect" after a few weeks of this most important job. BTW...no such thing a perfect.

-It sounds to me like you might want to consider the MIL...I know, know, I'm right there with you. But, if I were truly "at the end of my rope" I would accept help from just about anyone. Be humble, see what you can learn. USE her and get some rest...go out...relax.

Finally, do your best not to compare yourself to others. YOU are doing YOUR best. That's all you can ask of yourself or anyone else.

Thinking of you,

Shannon
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Aeress
I have been there! My first born was attached at the hip for the first 3-4months. She just needed the extra secuirity of mom or dad arms. If you had told me that at the time i would have called you horrible names and thrown things at you.

Babies are supposed to sleep right? No one ever told me that, that would include my arms all day and next to me all night.

Babies only cry when they need something? No one ever told me that babies cry for lots of reasons, and sometimes you don't know why.

I believed that I was the only mother to have a baby who didn't do those things and it must mean I was doing something wrong.

The funny thing, is that when I talked to people, all of a sudden they seemed to remember those first few weeks/months as being rocky. So, why coudln't you have told me?
: I was so mad!

I then admitted that I did need help and a few ladies from my church sat and chatted with me and then took the babe while I ate/slept/whatever. Then my Mom started coming on weekends and suddenly my dd became this whole other baby and I had made it.

*hugs* I know how it feels to have someone come and all of a sudden your babe seems so calm and quiet, but it doesn't mean your not a good mom, it just means you get a break.
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3
I know EXACTLY what you are feeling like. Heck, I still feel like that about 60% of the time and dd is 6 months (not to scare you though...). So hang in there (don't you hate when people say that??)

Some babies are much more demanding, way harder to please, etc. and yours (and mine!) is one of them.

We just started a new "sleep plan" recommended by a very AP friendly ped. (who used it with her child that she tried cosleeping with first). I know that sleep isn't the only issue here, but I know that lack of it can cause a world of other problems.
Dd went from sleeping in 45 minute chunks, to up to 6 hours at a time and we are only on night 5.


If you are more interested in what exactly we did or just need some more support, pm me.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's so hard. If your MIL can help you, PLEASE ask her to help. It does not mean you are a bad mama, or that your baby is a problem. We are NOT meant to raise children without help. Have you ever heard of the expression, "It takes a village to raise a child"? It's true!...especially in our cases


Get help. Get some rest while someone else watches ds.

I would try to keep him awake until he nurses enough to get a full tummy. I know that's hard, especially if you are nursing him to sleep in the first place, or are laying in bed, but he needs to fill his belly more and hopefully he will sleep longer for you.
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CrazyCatLady
If you're going to strap a baby in a car seat and go for a walk, couldn't you just pop the seat into a stroller and bring the baby with you? Seems like a safer idea that leaving a baby alone in a house, on top of a table of all places. If people look at you cross eyed for not picking up the screaming baby while you walk. You could simply say "colic" and keep walking, you'll probably just get a sympathetic nod or two.

There are also places in many cities where you can leave your baby for the day or a few hours or whatever. Kind of a no questions asked thing and it's to prevent parents that feel fried from hurting their babies. Usually WIC or social services offices will have the info. Again that's a safer option than leaving an infant alone in the house.

Maybe try the finding your tribe forum? Post a link to this thread and see if anybody can help you out some? If I lived close by I could certainly lend a hand if you needed it.

Once again, I can't believe I'm seeing so much cio advice being given here. Having baby cry it out is so not cool.

Good luck
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A
Michelle, I completely feel for you. When my first baby was 8 weeks old it was SO hard. He was high needs, nursed every hour or two at night, and was pretty fussy. I was unhappy. I was also wondering what was wrong with me... I remember asking my DH that very thing several times!

Here's a few things to consider:
1. Your hormones are still going crazy. You could still be having baby blues, and you could very well have PPD. You might want to post around the PPD forum to get some advice, and also ask your midwife or doctor about it.
2. Do you have a playgroup or LLL or other group that you go to weekly? I must say that when I found my weekly group of mamas and babies, life looked up for me. It was soooo nice to just sit with other mamas and babes and commisserate, yk? You need support, definitely. Even if it is just sitting with other mamas. You might post in the finding your tribe forum here... find your state and see if there are other like minded mamas meeting up.
3. It will get better. I know it's hard to know that right now, but it will. And quickly. Within the next few months you're going to see such a huge change.
4. If you're burnt out at night, you need DH to help. He just has to. There were many nights that I got to the end of my rope with all night nursing and I just handed DS to DH and said, "I can't take it anymore. Take your son." And he did. I'd say for a while I did that once or twice a week. Then I went into the other room and shut the door. He can figure it out, yk? If the baby seemed hungry he brought him to me. Otherwise he rocked him, slung him, walked him. Anything.
5. You need time alone. Take a walk when DH gets home. Go get your nails done. You will feel more sane.
6. Have you read The Fussy Baby by Dr. Sears? I'm a big reading person, so maybe reading some books would put your mind at ease....

GL.
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P
If you're gonna go for a walk, take baby with you, fresh air will tucker the lil critter out. Hell put him in a Mai Tai and do your jacket up over it
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C
I could have written your post when DD was first here. I felt exactly how you feel.

I agree with getting your LO into a sling that works for you. A stretchy wrap might be comfy too depending on weight.

Even if your DH is working hard outside the home, you are working an even harder job where you are on call 24/7.

If you don't feel like your MIL would be helpful, don't have her come.

If you need to talk feel free to PM me.
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lilylove
I am returning the thread.

I have removed some posts due to UA violations. I have also removed posts that quoted and/or responded to a UA violation.
If you have any questions or concerns please pm either Annettemarie or myself.
Thanks
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P
Oh, I know what are going through. My son is just a hair over three months old and it's definitely started to get better...but up through about 10 weeks I was a whimpering mess every day and night and begging my DH not to leave me alone in the morning. I have two good friends with toddlers who were talking me through things via telephone, but even that didn't help too much. For example, people kept telling me things would start improving at 8 weeks. When that came and went, I felt hopelessly alone and just knew it was me. I started seeing a PPD therapist (and still seeing her, but mostly now because she is teaching me infant massage and it's fun to get out the house).

Please take the help that is offered to you! My parents would come over and watch my son every weekend for a few hours while my husband and I went out and did something fun. My husband watched my son for an hour or two last weekend while I went to the mall and did some shopping. I'm not saying I feel like I'm back to normal and I could really use some more sleep, but it IS getting better. And it will for you too.

eta: about the entertaining thing....don't sweat it. Harrison is just now getting really smiley and goofy and responding to my stupid facial expressions. In fact, all he wants me to do is make stupid noises and faces...it's amazing what he finds fascinating. But at your son's age, I was not capable of entertaining him. Our days consisted of me sitting for about 95% of the day with him on a boppy in my lap, sleeping and nursing (him sleeping, not me!) I would watch DVDs on my laptop....(got through 5 seasons of Sex and the City) and surf the internet. Now at three months, he plays on his playmat, and I read him books, show him toys, and make silly faces. Or we go for a drive or walk when it's not too cold. Hang in there!
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phathui5
Quote:
I try to entertain him, but he doesn't seem to enjoy it. I know he's young, but I don't know what to do with him. Then I find myself online or watching TV. Is that good parenting? It seems like no.
Your son is two months old. You being online or watching TV isn't going to hurt him. On the other hand, getting out and doing things might be better for your mental health than being online and watching TV all day.

Quote:
I can't go outside, it's way too cold now. I go back to work in 5 weeks. How in the world am I supposed to hold down a job when I'm up all night?
I have no idea. I don't think I could work full-time and have a baby. It would drive me up the wall. Is there any way you can start back part-time?

If you don't want your MIL to come, could you at least hire a mother's helper to hold the baby for a couple hours so you can shower alone, read a magazine, throw in a load of laundry... Twelve year olds are cheap help, they love babies, and they'll do what you ask them to.
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A
Quote:

Originally Posted by michelle524 View Post
I'm going to lose it. Seriously.

I feel like I'm on here every day either posting a problem or a worry. This is only confirming for me that I'm doing such a lousy job. None of my IRL friends seem to have complained so much.

DS won't sleep unless I'm holding him. If I put him down, he wakes up within 15 minutes. And the only place I can put him down is in his car seat. He won't sleep lying flat. I put him on his tummy the other day and it lasted a little while, but I'm not "supposed" to do that. He barely sleeps at night.

He sleeps when he's nursing though, that's not a problem! Then it seems like he doesn't eat enough, so he's up again in a few minutes.

I guess I could spend the entire day and night (for what seems like the rest of my life) in my bed, topless, with him attached to me.

I put him in his carrier, and sometimes he likes it, but mostly I have to be walking around. Otherwise he's kicking me and slamming his head into my chest.

I have been having tons of breastfeeding trouble - you can read all about it in that forum. It's non-stop, painful bf-ing.

I try to entertain him, but he doesn't seem to enjoy it. I know he's young, but I don't know what to do with him. Then I find myself online or watching TV. Is that good parenting? It seems like no.

I can't eat, I can't sleep. All I do is argue with DH. He says I seem depressed (ya think?). Then he tells me that he thought I knew this would be hard. I didn't know it was going to be this hard, all day, every day for weeks on end. I thought I would enjoy this. I thought there would be fun times. And maybe we've had fun times, but I'm so tired and unhappy that I feel like I enjoy nothing anymore.

I just want to get out of here and sleep for about a week or two.

I can't go outside, it's way too cold now. I go back to work in 5 weeks. How in the world am I supposed to hold down a job when I'm up all night? DH works a ton and is NO HELP when he gets home. In fact he often complains about how dirty our house is and how tired he is and blah blah blah...

I feel like such a bad mother. I can't keep up and I'm losing my mind. I'm embarrassed at how bad I'm doing with all of this. I wanted this baby so badly. It was all I could think about for years. And now I keep wondering why I wanted this - I'm so unhappy. And how can I be this unhappy with this beautiful baby whose only crime is wanting his mama 24/7.

DHs suggestion is to have his mother come and stay with me to help me. I don't want her here, watching me fall apart. I don't want someone else to take DS like he's a problem I need help dealing with.

I'm nursing him again, he's falling asleep, which means he won't eat enough, he won't stay asleep and I'll be doing this again in less than an hour.

Is it this bad for everyone and I'm just stupid for thinking it would be different? Why can everyone else do it and not me. What's wrong with me...
My Ds was like this for the first 4 months or so, just wanting constant physical contact. He also loved to sleep in his car seat, I think it made hime feel "held". Here is what helped me. Let him sleep in his carseat if thats what he wants, don't worry he'll grow out of it. Learn to love our carrier, find one that works for you, a sling or a meitei were my best friend. When he gets fussy put him in it. Do housework or just pace and read untill he is really conked out. Then if you want to watch tv or read or get online bounce on an excersize or birth ball to maintain some motion. SWaddle, I can't say enough good things about a tight swaddle. I loved the miracle blanket.

It does get easier. My DS 1 was much more independant and loved to play with things, DS2 is much more people focused, and wants to be held/played with a lot, even at 14 months he's still very physical. BUt it does get less intense. And if your MIL is helpfull take the help. I know we all love natural parenting, but there is really nothing natural about 1 mama and 1 baby alone in a house driving each other crazy all day. Teach your MIL to use a carrier, chances are your babe will sleep on her chest if he's got a familiar carrier, and you can get out, or take her with you, my mom and mil would come to the gym or massage or whatever with me when ds was really small and just wear him around untill I was done. He never even woke up.
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G
Did you say DS will sleep on his tummy? My DS (3 months) has slept on his tummy since birth. He has always been able to hold his head up, and of course we keep no blankets or toys near his head. Many, many mamas here have tummy sleepers.
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E
Oh mama, I've so been there. My first was like that for a very long time. It seemed like he was in a constant growth spurt or something. It was torture. Some babies need that extra attention but it does get better. It takes time for those kids but I promise it will get better. mine is now a wonderful three year old who happily goes to his own room at bedtime and sleeps all night long without any help 98% of the time.

One thing stands out in your post that maybe could be a large part of his behavior. You said that nursing is still very painful, I'm wondering if his latch is ineffective and he's not getting a good flow of milk. A full tummied baby will generally let go of the breast when he's done, but a baby who isn't getting a satisfying feed will linger and get sleepy. My first was one who lingered and nursed very frequently, and his latch was *horrible* the first 6 weeks. I had huge bleeding cracks on my nipples, but they healed even though I think his latch was bad for the first 2-3 months. He may have been tongue tied, but it slowly stretched out and was fine enough to continue nursing for 2 years. Have your baby's frenulum checked, a simple snip could be all it takes to help his latch.

I'd suggest that you look into some iron and b vitamin supplements. Floradix is a good one. The Iron will help your energy levels and go through your milk to help baby out too. Those B vitamins are very important for new mothers, I can tell when I'm running low on them because I start to feel sad and angry. Emotions that are way out of character for me.
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U
There are MANY things your husband can do! My DH has certain ways that he holds my 2 month old DD that can really calm her. He wears her in the sling, he changes her diapers, he takes her for a walk so I can rest, etc. APing is not only for the mother, IMO!

Here are my suggestions:

-Find the sling or carrier that works for you--some will, some won't. Borrow others to try out if you can. I prefer ring slings and a good mei tai. My DD takes her naps in the ring sling--my back gets a little tired, but she's happy and I can get some things done.

-Get a swing--preferable those new hammock style reclining ones. Babies will often nap there.

-Personally, I wouldn't have the MIL come, but that's just because we don't get along too well. I'd rather have a friend come over or hire a teenager to help for a couple of hours a day.

-Let your dc sleep on his tummy if that helps, as long as he can lift and turn his head. Lots of folks on this board do, from what I can tell.

-Keep him awake during feedings. I have to do this, too. I play with her hair, I tweak her ears, I change her diaper between breasts. Keeping her awake allows her to get a full feeding and sleep well after.

Best of luck. The first few months are hard, especially if you are dealing with some PPD issues. Try to see a therapist, if you can, and let your DH know that you need his help.
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G
Oh sweetie, you are not a bad mom. Those first few months are HARD!! I remember looking at my son and just begging him to sleep for a little bit. I would nurse for hours and he would still be screaming from hunger. DH didn't give me grief about the housework (I would have probably killed him if he did) but he wasn't that much help either.

Tell your DH exactly what you need. When the baby is full, hand him to his dad and say, I am off for the next 2 hrs, here are his diapers, have fun. And go take your break. Baby will be ok with Daddy. Daddy can bath baby, change diapers, hold him. But sometimes Dads need specific instructions on what to do. Dad complains about the house being dirty? Well, his legs aren't broke and he contributed to the mess, tell him if it bothers him that much he is welcome to clean.

As far as entertaining baby? You are all he needs. Hold him, talk to him, make faces at him. Nice thing about the little ones is you can do all that while laying in bed or sitting in the recliner. But don't be afraid to put him down for awhile so you can shower, eat, pee, etc. He will be ok.

It will get easier, I promise. You and babe are still trying to find your groove and you are just so exhausted by this point. I really remember that desparate stage around the 2 month mark when you just wonder if you can make it one more day. You can and you will. If you think you might have PPD, please go see your doctor.
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R
Like a pp mentioned, perhaps his latch is not effective.....have you seen a LC to help with that?

Like others have said, try slinging him. If he wants to be held all the time, you can put him in the sling and then you'll be holding him yet you'll have your hands free.

Newborns go through a period of adjustment.... it takes some babies longer to adjust to the outside world than others. This will end though. Try to get some breaks in the meantime...... Let daddy soothe him for an hour so you can rest or get some fresh air.
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ecoteat
I'm sorry you are having a hard time! It IS very difficult. You are NOT the only one. I was amazed at how challenging those first few months were and that our weird society lets everyone think it is easier than it really is. It seems like so many parents want everyone to think they are doing everything right and their baby is perfect, so there is this artificially inflated idea in our culture of what a newborn is like.

Some suggestions: Get people to help! MIL might not be the best idea, but when you go back to work it will be harder for a few weeks. I don't want to scare you, but I had a really hard time going back just part time. Look into cleaning services, stock up on healthy frozen food, get dh on board with housework--so what if he's tired? So are you and he's part of the household too. Also, explore the possibility that you might need help with ppd. If you are feeling that terrible, don't wait for that to magically go away. You might need help from a dr. for that to happen. Good luck.
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