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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So. I've thought and thought and thought. Seems like its all I've done and focused on for a very long time. I've decided that barring a huge miracle and dh decides to get sober, cut ties to his druggy/alcoholic friends, seeks and participates in counseling and really change/get healthy, we're probably in our last year of marriage.

In about a year I'll be a nurse and could support myself and the children. It would still be rough and not the financial situation I've been counting on (dh and my nursing income combined), I guess we could make do.

So, I'm just confused as to how I should go about this, this living with him until I decide the time is right.
For instance besides the above mentioned issues he IS a good guy.
He knows somethings not right and I've been trying to find a way to tell him that we're probably over. But should I even tell him? It all seems like living a lie which ever way we go. I pretend things are okay while all along keep planning to leave or tell him I am leaving but continue to live together, ect?
and how will that affect the kids? We go along for the next year and things are all status quo then all of a sudden boom....we're moving out, seperating?

He knows I'm mad/sad/ect...He asked me why I didn't have much to say last night. I told him "you don't want to hear what I have to say." He immediately gets up and walks away. Which is part of the major problem. He doesn't want to even discuss things I am upset with. He knows my views and just doesnt want to have a conversation about it all. He can't stay calm or rational when we talk about our problems and most times it all turns into a blame game anyhow.
He knows he's screwing up. So then he starts his "poor me, I'm a terrible husband, terrible father, loser, can't do anything right, ect..." attitude.
All the while being pouty and sad but very nice and loving and helpful.
He'll say "I'm sorry you married such a loser." and "I"m sorry I'm ruining your life." "I'm sorry I'm amking you so unahppy." I'm sorry I can't give you what you need/want." but never "I'm sorry I'm screwing things up - I'm gonna get myself some help."
:
So anyhow, all through the night he's all touchy feely and wanting to have sex (which he totally 100% uses to guage how much he's loved) and I keep brushing him off in my attempts to sleep. So towards daylight he's telling me things like "you know the only time I feel really good is when I'm wrapped in your arms." "I love you so much, I could never lose you." "You mean everything to me." blah blah blah.......And all I'm thinking is. "You're a damn liar. You love your alcohol, your pot and your friends more than you love me because 90% of the time thats all a priority over me."
The codependent in me just melts at that stuff, all those pretty, needy words. Its almost like torture. So, I'm thinking at 5am this morning....I'm never gonna be strong enough to do this.

Can anyone else relate?
 

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I'm right there w/ya, only our beast of burden is verbal abuse. I finally decided that while I don't know what I am doing, I know what I'm not doing anymore, and that is what I've been doing. If *I* break the cycle, do something different, change will happen. I have a degree, a brain, and I'm going to use both. I'm already looking at jobs and housing without dh knowing about any of it. Deceptive? you betcha. But the alternative is if I told him my intentions, he'd yell, break things, freak the heck out, all in front of the kids, and then he'd have an eventual cool down about ohh, I love you and need you and blah blah. I've helped to enable that behavior and perpetuate a bad cycle of abuse. Today I say no more. Yeah, it might suck in the short term, but I'm looking at the long haul and 3 other people (our kids). Life is too short to not enjoy it. I'm picking myself up, dusting myself off, and moving on. I wish us both luck on our new journeys.
 

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Boy, I can certainly relate, my baby's dad is a pot smoker/liar and I'm finally to the point where I automatically think, "yeah, you're lying" whenever he says anything. Throw cheating and talking shit about me in with this. My whole story is much more complicated though, and not something I want to post publicly, but I just wanted you to know that someone knows exactly how you feel, and you deserve to feel better! Take care mama, you are strong and you can do what you need to do!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I told him today that I didn't think we'd last much longer than another year together because he is sick (alcoholic) and I am sick (codependent) and we are and have been making our family sick (dysfunctional) and I can't do it anymore. I can't be the mother (or even the person) I have the potential to be when I'm dragged down by all of this and I think we've damaged the children enough.

He got up and walked away (which is typical). Didn't have anything to say for the rest of the day. After a few hours of silence I asked him, didn't he have anything to say and he said that he didn't.

Bedtime for him comes along a few minutes ago. He's still wanting hugs and kisses and telling me "I love you."
I tell him that it really hurts my feelings when I try to talk to him about something so serious as our marriage ending and he doesn't have anything to say. He says "I'm sorry I don't know what to tell you. I've got to get some sleep now."

Guess I have my answer huh? Again....not even any empty promises to change, nothing. Its I either put up or I'm free to leave. As much as he loves me, if thats what I need to do, then goodbye....12 years together. 7 kids. Been through hell together, & are still crazy in love most of the time.
But he can say goodbye, just like that....
Like its no skin off of his back.
Makes me soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo mad
and sad


I'm going to write him a letter telling him that I meant what I said and that I'm not going to be demanding changes from him, nagging him, ect... but make it clear what he stands to lose if I don't see a whole lot of improvement/changes in the next 10-12 months. I'm going to tell him that even though I love him desperately (he already knows this), I will be taking steps and making plans to leave him during the next 10-12 months.
Then the ball is in his court.....

Does this sound okay?

I HATE being put in the place where I have to make such life altering decisions that affect so many people. I don't make good decisions. I hate the position I am in more than I can say.
Sometimes I tell myself I'm just being dramatic and things aren't that bad. Actually I tell myself that alot. I feel like I'm going to make a bad mistake and make my kids lives worse. And it wont be reversible.
I feel so
:
:

Thanks for listening.
 
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