[star jewel]

My 7 yr old ds is running all over me. he's disrespectful, demanding, and doesn't do a darn thing I tell him. He pushes his little sister around constantly (she's almost 3) and has really hurt her a few times. He hits me and does not stay in his room when I try to punish him. Today was a real meltdown: ds and dd were playing in the water sprinkler outside. Ds was playing okay for about 5 minutes then started knocking dd to the ground alot and spraying water deliberately into her ears and face. After increasingly rough play, I'd had it and told them to turn everything off and dry off to come inside. That's when ds took off his soaking wet (with water, not wee) undies and smacked dd across the face with them. I lost it and started screaming at him so loudly I got a headache. I had to ask him several times to get inside and get in the bath. I finally had to spank him. By this time, my mom was in tears (I live in my parent's old house and they live in a new one right next door.) Just a few days ago, she and I had a huge fight over how I was handling ds. She thinks I'm too rough on him, but she's only around at the end of everything, when he's already been a beast with me and puts on the puppy dog "I'm sorry" eyes for her. She doesn't see how much I try to reason with him, deal with him rationally, and it just doesn't work. Of course the screaming and spanking don't work either. Most of my days end up with my son apologizing profusely and me feeling like mommie dearest. What can I do? Should we both (ds and I) go to therapy? Should I let my ex have him for a while? I feel like I'm about to go over the edge...

 

[PikkuMyy]

Since you've figured out that spanking doesn't work, why do you still do it? The only way spanking EVER works is if it causes the child to fear the spanking more than he/she wants to do the "naughty" behavior. It certainly doesn't teach kids to listen to their parents unless out of fear, and obviously you don't want that.

It seems to me that you need to establish a base of respect for you and rules that are followed with logical punishments if they aren't. At this point, you are trying to deal with individual disobedience, when the problem is an overall lack of respect for what you've asked him to do. I know you know this, which is why you are posting to begin with!

I might start by establishing a few (just a few) rules that must be followed, and give high positive reinforcement when your son follows them. (A good behavior plan, which is what you need here, contains more positive reinforcements than punishments.) This way, you can begin a pattern of him following what you've told him to do, and getting GOOD attention for doing so, rather than bad attention for not doing so. Then you can begin to expand what you ask him to do and realistically expect him to do it.

Some examples are token systems - yes I know it sounds like bribing but it's really not. He gets a gold star each time he obeys and one taken away when he doesn't. They add up to a pre-determined number at which time he gets some special proviledge, or gets to choose one. This sort of system can be usd for certain things but not others. This way you can fade it once he is following easier things and use it for harder things. Does that make sense?

I'd also suggest posting this on the Gentle Discipline board.

 

[nikirj]

I might be off base here, especially since my kids are younger (2.5 and 4.5) but when there is something that needs stopping, I stop it. I don't expect the kids to do it themselves. If my 4.5 yo was stressing out the 2.5 yo, I would remove the 4.5 yo from the situation. Yes, I am bigger (and I'm assuming you're bigger than your 7yo, too), and if my 4.5yo wouldn't listen and wouldn't come sit and talk with me, I'd pick her up and take her away from the situation. Part of not yelling your brains out is taking initiative and stopping a situation that you know will come to that if you don't stop it, immediately, yourself. Whenever my children start getting carried away and become agressive, stop listening, whatever (and I do babysit for a child your DS's age sometimes, so I'm not entirely unfamiliar with his age group), I stop it before it comes to hurting the other children, and have the overexcited child sit quietly for a bit before rejoining the other kids. (This only works if you let them sit and squirm and jump around in their spot, etc. until they've mastered themselves and have sat still for a bit.)

The above are my suggestions for individual situations where things are getting out of control - I agree with the pp about setting up some general behavior guidelines, too. I think her suggestions (or similar things that you find to work with your DS) will help these things happen less often, and make minute-to-minute interaction easier.

 

[dynamicdoula]

I am finding this age difficult as well. My almost 7yo is really pushing the limits with "NO!" right now and boy oh boy is it frustrating.

Some of the tools I've developed over time and that really help, keep in mind that anything I'm doing, I'm modeling consciously and it really does make a difference! I just don't want it to sound like I'm taking all the blame, because everything I do below, he does too. We reinforce each other!

* Take a deep breath, teach him to do the same thing when he's upset. I am amazed at the wonders this works! When he sees me getting really overwhelmed or upset, he says, "Mom, maybe you need to take a deep breath." And he's being loving, not bossy.

And I almost always take him up on that becuase a) I want him to know it's important to me that we use that tool, b) I want him to knwo I take his perceptions of my behavior seriously (and therefore I take his seriously), c) it makes a HUGE difference in how I feel in my body, and how I can cope with the current situation, and d) it reinforces for HIM that it's a healthy way to cope with frustration/anger and it keeps him doing it!

* Being willing to be wrong... when things start escalating and I start behaving in a way that neither of us like, I make sure to name it and be accountable. "I realized I'm yelling a lot, I'm sorry about that. I'm going to take a deep breath and start over. Would you like to take one with me?" This has been so tremendously helpful for both of us to calm down and 'start over'.

* When things get a point where you're sounding like a banshee, be the one who leads the way, and after you've done the above, let him know that you're going to start over. Take a deep breath or a time out if you need it, and then come back and speak to him in a different way. I usually get a different response from Dryden when I do this, and it's usually positive.

* When things aren't heated, talk about what things you like about your communication with him and what things you don't. Dryden and I do a "best/worst part of the day" at bedtime. So that's usually the time when we talk about any fights we had, and the high moments of the day. There's no blaming, we just agree to try hard the next day to have a better day (and we both take that seriously).

* Help him to name his feelings in the moment... "Are you feeling X? IT looks like you're feeling Y, is that true?" Dryden knows when he's frustrated, disappointed, sad, concerned, etc.. these are all words he uses.

* Name YOUR feelings in the moment, without blaming! "I am so frustrated right now! I do not feel heard!" And what do you need? "I need your attention when I"m talking so that I know you are listening to me." Etc.

Nothing works all the time! Sometimes nothing works and all you can do is walk away. Pick your battles! Not every single one needs to be fought!

Good luck, mama!

 

[mamaduck]

It sounds as if you are participating in a vicious cycle. He acts out in anger. You respond with anger. He becomes angrier. You both feel out of control. You are both acting to get control -- but neither of you are focused enough to be constructive. You are struggling against each other instead of struggling along *with* each other.

He refuses to go to his room because he feels "banished" instead of understood. You want the problem to go away. But he wants you to understand the problem.

I'm going to throw out a million questions, because I don't know enough about your situation to give pointed advice. Feel free to respond to some or all or none. Consider it something to think about.

It sounds like he is taking his feelings out on his sister because she is too small to stop him. Who is he really anger with? Why is he angry? When he hits his sister, what is he feeling? Can he address the person he really feels angry with? Has he been taught to express strong feelings in a way that *helps?* Or has he been expected to keep it to himself? Is he possibly treating his sister the way he *feels* that you or his dad treat him? (Not that you are... but his perception might be different than yours.)

How is your relationship with him outside of these issues? Does he spend time alone with you? Can you recall the qualities you love about him? Do you share anything together in an enjoyable way? Can you resestablish your connection with him? Can you take regular time to love on him, and to enjoy him? Effectively discipline requires that you first maintain a solid raport. When you know him well, and he trusts you completely, then its easier (a little) to address poor behavior in a way that he will respond to.

I suggest moving away from "Punishment" and think in terms of "problem solving." Involve him. Present the problem that you see, and ask for his input in finding a way to solve it. I'm speaking in terms of the overall problem, but also each time something occurs. For instance, "You hit your sister. Thats a huge problem. How can we solve it?"
Remember that you and he are supposed to be on the same team.

I hope something in there helps. Ignore whatever doesn't!

 

[EFmom]

I have a six year old, who, left to her own devices, would behave much as you describe. Earlier this year, I was at my wit's end with her.

I highly recommend "Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries" by Robert J. MacKenzie Ed.D.

This book really helped me cut out a lot of the escalation phase--or what MacKenzie calls doing the dance. I'm much more concise in voicing my expectations, and we don't get drawn into power struggles nearly as much as we used to.