[splash]

Charlie turned a year old last week. Jean is still nursing him, but I know she's going to quit soon. I don't want her to, I think she's making the wrong choice, but I can't control it.
He's gotten a year, which is more than most kids in this country get. And up until a few weeks ago, he was not getting solids at all. She's had to make lots of drastic diet and lifestyle alterations in order to be able to breastfeed him, and she has done that. For eight months, she has watched everything that goes into her mouth and has done everything possible to keep him healthy. She's done.
They got to a year. I'd love for it to last longer, but it's not going to, and I'm over it. Or getting there at least.

Now, Charlie nurses from both of us. Obviously he gets no milk from me, but if he just wants comfort, he is fine with either of us. I nurse him to sleep almost every night and throughout the night. He doesn't mind. I cannot actually give him milk, and although I berate myself for it on a regular basis, it is what it is. All I can give him is comfort.

Now, to get to my question! Any idea on the easiest way to transition him from her to me? And once he gets no nutrition from it ever, will he just stop wanting to nurse?

I like nursing him. I like being able to calm him and make him happy. I would be sad if it ended.

Please don't turn this into a flame war about Jean. She's done her best. She gets no support from her family or society in general about this. My family and most of our friends are very supportive, but it doesn't take the place of her mother constantly telling her to wean him. She's ready to sleep through the night and eat a normal diet and take medication again. Charlie is now able to better process solid foods and he's getting some nutrition from that. Other than that he is on his vivonex and we'll just find a way to afford it. She hasn't weaned him yet, and we don't even talk about it. Sometimes she threatens to out of anger and frustration, but then nurses him 20 minutes later. So when she will actually wean him I have no clue. I don't know if it will be gradual or cold turkey... I just don't know. But for now I want to gather info on what MY best response should be? Should I even continue letting him nurse from me at all, or should we make a clean break of it altogether?

 

[jee'smom]

With everything that went on, I'm really happy for Charlie that he got his mama's milk for so long. Jean should be commended... I'm sure it wasn't easy for her. That being said, maybe you should talk to her about how you feel. Explain to her that weaning cold turkey might be traumatic for Charlie (especially if you both wean), and maybe she could nurse less, while you nurse more; slowly weaning him from her that way, but onto you more. Also, you can use an SNS (supplemental nursing system), if you want. It's a little bag of formula/milk/whatever, that you hang around your neck with a little tube taped to your breast that drips milk into his mouth as he nurses. That way, he'd get something out of you also. I'm not sure if weaning him is advisable at this time b/c he doesn't eat much solids. What will he get for nutrition? Is the stuff you mentioned all he needs? (I've never heard of it before). Good luck!

 

[splash]

Vivonex is an uber expensive rx only elemental formula for people with severe protein allergies. He was on neocate for awhile (perhaps you've heard of that one?) but eventually couldn't do that anymore.

As it is, there are some things we can feed him, and with the help of a nutritionist we CAN make sure he gets everything he needs, without breastmilk.

I wish BM was the answer, but this time it's not. She's still nursing him now though. I almost wish she would make up her mind and be done with it! I think she has a lot of internal struglle with it, because her mother thinks she should wean him, because 'they' say a year is enough, because her diet has to be so limited, because she feels like SHE did this to him and she feels guilty anytime he has a breakout or infection, that it was something she did that made it happen.

I guess we'll just play it by ear. Hopefully as he gets older he will be able to eat more and more. For now, he can subsist on the vivonex if he has to. Some people go their entire childhood on the stuff.

 

[Marco Esquandolas]

Awww, splash, I am feeling this thread, seriously. For a bit there too, I thought mama's milk wasn't best (and there really ARE times when it isn't-when mama is a drug user or if there are multiple allergies and she isn't making the changes, if she's just not there anymore and wants out to the point of deciding cold turkey is a good idea, and a few other special circumstances...stuff like that). Thankfully, there is always light at the end of those bleak tunnels.

Anyway, please re-affirm how WONDERFUL she is!!!!! It is sooooo very freakin hard to cut out about everything you are used to eating and drinking for the benefit of someone else, even if that someone else is your own child, and further, when you hit a setback, you feel soooo much guilt.

to her!!!! Don't let her dwell on that guilt. It does no good. This IS tough. This is when bf'ing isn't all the happy cuddly lovey stuff you thought it was cracked up to be or read about. This is crunch time. YOU are awesome too, btw.

: You guys have such a unique situation.

Please KNOW this isn't forever. Please tell her that-make sure she listens and not just hears that. Let her know that she damned rightly so!!! feels burnt out, tired of the restrictions, wants her body back, is getting flack for nursing beyond a year, but PLEASE DO also tell her that mama milk IS best when the proper care is given and changes are made. I nursed my sn son to 43 mos, and it literally drained my body-took calcium straight out of my teeth, and pounds off my already always skinny frame. I suffered for it, but you know what? It was b/c I did what needed to be done for him-I gave him what no formula could perfectly emulate, but I didn't take care of myself also. It doesn't have to be quite that black and white, though. She CAN get more outside support. She CAN keep on keepin on. She CAN keep herself more healthy than I did, in the meantime.

Why don't you both together work out a weaning plan together, one that you both can agree upon. Stay wiiiiide open for multiple convos and deciding sessions. You have to be each other's rock, b/c seriously, this is the hard stuff-the stuff you don't see much literature on. Do remember, it is HER body that the toll is being taken on. I don't know that I'd do it again, if given a choice, as I really felt I had none at the time when my son's gut was so very wrecked. I really felt I was what was literally "nursing" him back to health. Ok, I would, but shhhhh on that for now (ohhh, no love like a mama's).

Anyway, before I get too rambly-be the backbone she needs. This is probably the hardest thing she's ever done (seriously). It is so draining, emotionally, physically.....be her backbone, her sounding board, her rock, her support, her love. Let her vent to you ALL her frustrations b/c she is carrying the weight on this one. Love her for the awesome woman she is, while loving yourself for the awesome, selfless partner you are being. Dang, that kid is freakin lucky. You two are gonna be fine, I bet. nuff said for now.

eta: actually, 45 mos. I've never been good at math, d'oh!!!

 

[lasciate]

I'm assuming that vivonix is a type of formula - perhaps you could use it in a SNS while you nurse him? Then he might be willing to nurse more from you and Jean can gradually drop nursing sessions for a gentle weaning process.

I am just in awe that Jean has been able to make it this long and sacrifice so much for Charlie. Tell her she is an amazing mother to come this far.

 

[Meiri]

Why do we moms blame ourselves for whatever Nature via genetics has "done"?

I noticed the mention of meds for Jean, have you all checked that they are truly contraindicated during nursing? Might be a "duh" question, if so, I apologize. Or is it that his sensitivities make normally safe (ish) meds an issue?

BRAVA momma for nursing for a year!!! I remember the times I felt burnt out with DS, only to remind myself that whatever time period they nurse is short term compared to the rest of their lives.

What toxic mother to do this to her own daughter and grandson, pressuring to cease that which is healthiest for him.

Whatever you two decide, I hope the weaning is gradual. That is for Jean's benefit too. Cold-turkey-weaning engorgement can lead to mastitis. NOT a good ending to a precious, if difficult, time in her life.

 

[Ruthla]

I'm impressed she made it a whole year- I remember her being ready to wean several times when she had health issues of her own.

I would recomend increasing the comfort nursing from you as he weans from nutritive nursing from her. Nursing is about more than just nutrition, and he's a very lucky baby to continue getting the comfort even when the milk may no longer be available.

 

[ladybugchild77]

I am sorry you and Jean are going through such a difficult time right now. I do not know your story but I could not read and not reply. I second the gradual weaning if Jean can take it since it might be more soothing to your ds that way. I hope things get better and please tell Jean she did a wonderufl thing - my dd also has a lot of food allergies (although it doesn't sound as severe as your dc's) and I too have had to watch everything I eat becasue she can get really ill is I ingest the wrong thing - I found that out the hard way. It is hard watching everything and reading labels...and she deserves extra hugs! Take care and keep us updated!

 

[splash]

The medication is not such a big deal reall.y. Well, it is and isn't.
Charlie is allergic to most antibiotics. The ones he CAN take are really hardcore and cause a lot of side effects (intestinal bleeding being the main ones). Well, she can't take the ones he's allergic to either. So, if she gets sick, she goes through torture to take the drugs he CAN have. We're not a big abx family, but sometimes they are needed. And the ones he can take are heavy duty.

We've already decided that next time he really NEEDS abx for something, we'll probably just put him in the hospital and get them IV (if we can afford to) because taking them orally is murder, IV is a piece of cake.

I think it's just the knowledge to her that she just CAN'T get sick, because she can't take anything. Even though she could just wean him then (and I would support it) it's still just one more of those things in her mind...

She says she nurses him about twice during the day (so over an eight hour period) and then he nurses normally twice more before bed and probably about three times at night. So he still is nursing quite a bit.

 

[newmommy27]

Splash,
I am sending you my love and support on your nursing relationship with Charlie...when my DS was just a bitty one I remember saying to my DH in as 3am feeding stupor...if we were lesbians you could be doing this too...I love that that is true...well I am one of those people who "had to wean" b/c I went on antibiotics b/c I have lymes and the antibiotics would have major bone and tooth health ramifications for Jack...Jack is now 16 month and LOVES THE BOOBIE...his has been known to put his hands down my shirt, kiss the boobie and ask anyone with breast larger the C cups for MILK...so not nursing for 7 days...YES 7 DAYS has been a shock to the system...I keep asking people..."how do people who don't nurse put their babies to sleep"...that said in terms of supply...I still have milk and intend to go back to nursing once the antibiotics are out of my system...One thing I have learned recently is that nursing is a relationship and relationships take 2 people....Nursing needs to serve both mommies and babies...NOT JUST BABIES....

Give your dp and your ds a hug and love the fact that Charlie has gotten this far on bm and support her and continue to nurse Charlie as long as your nursing RELATIONSHIP serves both of you

much love and peace
-Lori

 

[AmyY]

Wow - this thread has me in tears... sending you and Jean and Charlie so many hugs...

Whatever you two decide about what's next, and whatever Jean decides about weaning, it doesn't have to mean the end of your comfort nursing - I presume Charlie understands his bond with you through comfort nursing and that can continue - unless it seems to be getting in the way of what Jean needs to do as you move forward... just thinking aloud here...

I'm thinking of an adoptive nursing account I read, where the mother described NEVER having produced a drop of her own milk for her adopted baby, nursed with a supplementer until solids were established, then comfort nursed well into toddlerhood. She reported that the ONLY thing that could calm down his tantrums (autistic) was nursing - and this was at 2+ years old and he hadn't been getting any milk from her at all in a year.

I guess what I'm saying is that Charlie has separate nursing relationships with you and Jean. Weaning from one mommy doesn't seem to automatically mean weaning from the other mommy.

When you're done with this, write the LLL book for lesbian families, OK?

Tentative title: "Both My Mommies Nurse Me"

Sending more hugs your way...