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avoiding sex

542 Views 4 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  QueenOfTheMeadow
Did anyone else go through this? I'm finding I just don't want to, although I wanted to but couldn't physically a week-two weeks after Grace was born. I think part of it is that for the past three years, if I wasn't already pg, sex was about trying to make a baby (mostly). I don't have regular cycles back and don't know if I'm fertile or not yet (probably too early) and I really am not ready to get pg yet. In fact I'm scared of getting pg. I am not on birth control, haven't been taking my temps and I HATE the thought of condoms. Plus I have so many emotions that I just don't know if I'm emotionally ready for sex. I hope it's OK to post this here because it really has to do with post-loss emotions rather than birth control.
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I think that I had a hard time with this too.. although I had a c-section, so I had an excuse for a while.. I think that you have to work through the emotions that you are feeling about what it means to "have sex" for you.. like you said

I think part of it is that for the past three years, if I wasn't already pg, sex was about trying to make a baby (mostly).
I think that in time you will feel differently about it. It took some time for me to trust my body and let myself feel the connection with my husband again. I hate condums too, but was able to find the kind that don't irritate me. We lost Luke full-term, as you know, and my cycles are back to normal I think. We may be trying again the end of the summer August.. that will be around six months. I also wanted to asked you a question regarding the loss of Grace. I know that when I came to this board there were only a couple of women who knew of the clotting disorders. Since I have been talking about my results there have been two or three women who have tested positive for a clotting d/o.. I was wondering if you have even thought about this? I think that it would be very helpful to rule this out for you due to your losses. Later if you decide to conceive again it will be important to know so that you will be able to take precautions, and you can rule this out as a cause. If you want more info I can get it to you.. I hope that you will find peace with this
And about the sex.. give yourself a break!! And you know that anything here is appropriate, especially when you think it is important!!
I will be thinking of you and Grace!!
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Keri, You're still so fresh in your grief. Please don't feel pressured to go back to a normal sex life. Take the time you need to heal both inside and out. Make sure you stay connected to your partner - communicate how you're feeling and suggest you just hold each other until your body feels ready.

The only reason I wanted to be sexual after Amanda's stillbirth was because I wanted to become pregnant again soon. But had I not, I likely would not have wanted intimacy.

Remember that we all go through different emotions after our losses - there is no right or wrong way to feel.

Please know you're in my thoughts
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Yes, it's very normal and common to have conflicted feelings about intimacy after your baby dies. I had very similar feelings as you and I also felt guilty for feeling "ready" so soon after giving birth. How could my baby be dead and I want to have sex was my line of thinking.
Like everything in this process, you will have to just take it slow. It will be hard and it may even be weird at first. Just let it be whatever it will be and if you don't want to have sex, then don't. Just communicate with your dh.

I have to agree with everyone else here too. After my miscarriage and d&c I really wanted to have sex with dh because I really needed the intimacy and comfort that I found in it. But we couldn't for awhile, so we just snuggled and talked alot. Then when we were able to have sex, I was very hesitant. I wasn't sure that my body was ready for it, and I was so hormonally up and down. Things have settled down a bit, since I got my first period, but I know that birth control has been a bit of an issue. I really don't want to go on the pill, and don't want to have a iud, because I'd like to get pregnant again sometime in the next year. But not right now. I still need some more time to recover. So basically, I think your very normal with the conflicted feelings about having sex. I think with time it will get better. Find other ways to be intimate with your dh, maybe snuggle, talk, just be together in what ever way your comfortable.
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