Away from idle threats

561 Views 3 Replies 4 Participants Last post by LilyGrace, Apr 23, 2009

Vancouver Mommy

Discussion Starter · Apr 17, 2009

Despite my best efforts, I still find myself blurting out things like "if you don't stop that .... fill in the blank (I'll take it away; you won't get to watch TV; whatever non-related punitive nonsense pops into my head). Lately we've been talking about consequences and explaining the types of things that may happen as a result of certain behaviour. For example, dd was being pretty obnoxious at the park yesterday so we talked about how what she was doing made the other kids feel and how they might react.

Lately I find that all I need to do is calmly say "if you keep doing that there may be a consequence." Sometimes that's all I say, but sometimes I elaborate on what the consequence might be. Often I have trouble figuring out what a natural consequence should even be. Does this sound like a threat? I hope not, because at the moment I find it really effective.

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UpsyDaisy

· #2 · Apr 17, 2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vancouver Mommy

Please read Naomi Aldorts book she also has a few videos on youtube

They have truely helped me look at things differently

xxx

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foreverinbluejeans

· #3 · Apr 23, 2009

It is a threat. A consequence can be a threat.

Remember to always expect more of yourself than you do of your children. How can you expect your children to behave if you can't behave and stop using threats.

Natural consequences occur naturally and cannot be controlled or manipulated by anyone. You put your finger on a hot pot your finger gets burned.

I think you were meaning to say logical consequences, engineered by a person in authority and they are logically conected to the wrong. If the child doesn't eat dinner he doesn't get dessert.

Children will respond well when you take a few big actions. Say what you mean and mean what you say. One child isn't playing well at the park, pack them up and go home. No lectures. No counting to 3. Don't worry if it is a punishment (it would be a logical consequence). As your children begin to realize mom means what she says you will find big changes.

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LilyGrace

· #4 · Apr 23, 2009

Quote:

Originally Posted by foreverinbluejeans

Children will respond well when you take a few big actions. Say what you mean and mean what you say. One child isn't playing well at the park, pack them up and go home. No lectures. No counting to 3. Don't worry if it is a punishment (it would be a logical consequence). As your children begin to realize mom means what she says you will find big changes.

I agree. It's sometimes better to just recognise the behavior and act right then. I had my son and my nephew out with me one day when they started play fighting. Not much of a deal, except they were in the middle of a busy area and not thinking about their actions or, well, space.

First response: saying it needs to calm down and an explanation why.

Second response: upping it to "no more play fighting. It's dangerous here."

Third response: getting between the two boys, holding hands with each and keeping them seperate as we went on our merry way.

There wasn't a "if you don't, I will do this". They were still given the chance to calm down, then stop on their own, but I took action when they didn't. And honestly, it gave me more of a chance to assess the situation and figure out the best response if I didn't have to come up with it beforehand.

It wasn't a punishment but a response, or consequence. I couldn't risk letting those around us get hurt, or the boys get hurt in a parking lot because they weren't paying attention.

It was interesting to see the responses of the boys, though. My nephew is raised with threats and "If-thens", so he was shocked, then wheedled and pleaded that he would be good and control his hands. It reinforced the idea that I had toyed with for a long time, that if it's only the threat that stops the behavior, then nothing is learned. There's no personal lesson for next time when a grown up is not there. I don't know if it's much different than just taking charge myself, but that's still on the thinking block. I just know I don't get as frustrated this way. "If-thens" have a way of getting under my skin, like I put trust in someone and they failed me. Taking action after they've had the chance helps me figure out the limits of their behavior and react better later. If I know a kid is going to have trouble with X, I can give chances knowing that I might have to step in and it's okay. If I put all the responsibility on the kid with an "if-then", I get disappointed, because I feel like he could and just didn't.

Sorry to ramble so.

I'm still trying to figure out exactly what I think and believe.

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