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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I don't typically post things like "this" here. But, I thought I had this all buttoned up but it seems I don't.

Since this is so personal instead of the usual DS and DH, I have chosen to use their names - DH = Doug and DS = Dylan (20 months). We have babe number 2, another boy, due July 24, but evidently coming in 2 to 3 weeks.

So, I decided to turn to other moms and hopefully get some feedback and vibes that are DESPERATELY needed.

............

It is 5:47 a.m. and I have been sitting here crying since around 2:30. I am looking at my precious little guy wondering and worrying about how upset he is going to be with me when I change his world here in the next few weeks. He is so young and still cannot really verbalize his feelings.

Doug and I made this choice to have another babe, Dylan didn't have any say.

I have wondered if I was selfish to want "more than one". Do I have what it takes or is needed for one, much less for two?

Honestly and maybe even selfishly, I too will miss the "just me and Dylan" time.

Can I bear to look at him and see the hurt or confusion? How do I express my love and bond with the new babe without feeling like I am taking away something from Dylan from Dylan and myself?

I have bonded with the babe and can't wait to meet the lil' guy. But, I am just so torn about how to give them BOTH what they need.

Several months ago, when I thought I had dealt with this, I came across this poem… (It was originally in this thread http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=241533 )

Loving Two

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand,
basking in the glow of our magical relationship.
Suddenly I feel a kick from within,
as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.
And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born,
and I watch you.
I watch the pain you feel at having to share me
as you've never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way,
"Please love only me."
And I hear myself telling you in mine,
"I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you.
I almost see our new baby as an intruder
on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing,
I find myself attached to that new being,
and feeling almost guilty.
I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying him -- as though I am
betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change,
first to curiosity,
then to protectiveness,
finally to genuine affection.

More days pass,
and we are settling into a new routine.
The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared,
just we two.
There are new times -- only now, we are three.
I watch the love between you grow,
the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you -- as I have for so long.
I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments.
And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you,
I've given something to you.
I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with
both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are,
but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered, to my amazement.
Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you -- only
differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time,
I now know you'll never share my love.
There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own
supply.

I love you -- both. And I thank you both for blessing my life."

author unknown


When I found it, I shared it with Doug and he really related. In so many ways, it is as though I could have written this.

This is what really and truly scares me

I hear you telling me in your own way,
"Please love only me."
And I hear myself telling you in mine,
"I can't," knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you.
I almost see our new baby as an intruder
on the precious relationship we once shared.
A relationship we can never quite have again.
-- This just makes me sad, so sad.

AND

The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. I so don't want this to happen. I don't want the memories to fade and I am scared of not having this time or the memories anymore.

I am working on getting my WAHM biz stared and ideally would like to have to get lots of stock done before the babe gets here. But, I am working really hard to make sure that it does not take away from our last weeks together as just "Mommy & Dylan". I am not going out of my way to do anything extra special, because I don't want to get him used to that and then have it stop when the babe gets here - confusing him even more.

Oh, I am sorry to blubber on. It's just, I should be radiating happiness and thankfulness. I suppose some of this could be hormones and steroids - (
I am in a high risk pregnancy and have to take a fair amount of Prednisone to maintain my lung capacity) realizing this doesn't make it any easier or less sad.

Bottom line --

Dylan and I are just SO CLOSE. Will we still have this? Please tell me we will. I don't think I can bear to lose our closeness, even if I am gaining a new love.

I don't even know what any of you can do for me. I guess I just need to put it all out there. And I probably just need a few big ole' hugs too! (I'd also really like to just stop crying
)

Thanks so much for patiently reading this.

Melanie

...
 

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I can't imagine that any attached mother won't have some of these feelings about a second child coming. I certainly do. I think you just need to allow yourself room to grieve and feel scared. In the back of your mind, you can fall back on knowing that just as there was no way to truly imagine how much you would love your firstborn, there's no way to imagine what it will be like when your heart makes room for loving two children. Having another baby is ultimately a gift to your first, but it's okay if you're not feeling that right now. In any change, there's loss, and it's pretty normal to feel sad about that. Hugs, mama. It will be okay.
 

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i worried a lot about this and still do with no. 2 now being 4 months old. i still want alone time with my ds and, to be honest, sometimes a two year old is more fun than a newborn infant. the first few months were sometimes sad and hard. he did want me to love just him and it did make me cry and wonder why we did this. BUT now that she is starting to respond, he loves it and has fun with her. plus, he is totally proud to have a baby sister to show other people (this james's sister!)
 

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I think ALL of us has been exactly where you are. I know I worried a lot about that, too. But, really you are giving Dylan a gift. In the long run, it's not so much about you wanting to have two children, it's about giving Dylan a sibling.

My two children went outside for a picnic breakfast this morning. Right now as I type, my son Jude (3.5) and his sister Cicely (15 mos) are outside in the pool enjoying graham crackers together. They're getting soggier (both kids and crackers) by the moment. Jude is showing Cicely how to suck the water out of the soggy crackers and she's copying. Periodically she'll hold their kid sized watering can over her head and they'll both drink the rain it produces. They're both laughing and having such fun... despite both being fully clothed!!!

This is just the shorter term joy that you'll be giving your son. Imagine, such love and companionship. Longer term though, you are not going to live forever. You will die one day. Dylan's brother will be his family. They will go from kiddie pool breakfasts to being each others family. They will understand each oher like no one else will.

You will love Dylan just as much as you love him now. There's no limit to motherly love. Your heart simply expands to encompass your new child, too. You will love your new child just as fiercely as you love Dylan (which was always hard for me to grasp when I was pregnant with Cicely), but it will be different love special just for that child.

The author of that poem captured a moment, but what you don't know by reading it is the absolute trueness of her final words. There is no regret in the author's voice at the end. She doesn't go back and revist her fears that she brings up in the beginning. She has her second child in arms.

You will, too, soon.
 

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I was just talking about this with a couple of friends, one is a LLL Leader other not but both knew exactly how I was feeling. My relationship with dd is so close I can hardly imagine another little thing coming into be part of a bigger relationship. I have no advice, but can sympathise with you - you are a good mother and that you are able to express your feelings so well shows that you are a very conciencious (SP?) mom. I'm sure it'll all work out well -
s to you.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Spark

This is just the shorter term joy that you'll be giving your son. Imagine, such love and companionship. Longer term though, you are not going to live forever. You will die one day. Dylan's brother will be his family. They will go from kiddie pool breakfasts to being each others family. They will understand each oher like no one else will.
You will, too, soon.

so true!!!!
 

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Giving your sweet dc a sibling is one of the BEST gifts you could give him. Yes it might be weird at first but hide-n-seek is a TON more fun when you play it with someone close your own size. You are giving him a gift. A friend....someone that will always be there for him.

I do miss the time I had with Skyler. With just Skyler but the joy I feel when I see them play together warms my heart enough that I don't hurt with the memory.

Like things changed with your dh when you had Dylan. You are no longer the MOST important thing in eachothers life. Dylan is. No need to morn that. Celabrate the new beginning because it is WONDERFUL! Remember the good times. Try not to morn the passing of a time but celabrate the birth of a new time.

s
 

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OK, that poem totally made me cry! I *completely* understand how you are feeling. But I also look at my brother and I, we're 12 years apart, and I never felt like I had to "share my parents love" when he came along. Yes, I was older, but I'd like to think I would have been more aware of "losing" a piece of my relationship with my folks. But you know what, I didn't. I doted on my brother and to this day we're very good friends.

So I like to think more about the gift of a sibling for my daughter then her losing my time or sharing my love. Yes, she will have to share our time - a baby is a lot of work. But she will also get to share in the joy of her baby sister, teaching her things, etc (like the PP with her two kids picnic - great story btw!)

I wrestled with these feelings early on in the pregnancy too. And occasionally they pop into my head now as I get closer to the baby being here. But overall, I can't wait to see how my children get along, and grow up together and (hopefully!) become lifelong friends.



Michelle
 

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Oh, I'm crying for you mama
My DS was 14 years old when DD was born in October. I spent my whole pregnancy convinced that there simply was not room in my heart for another child, because DS had filled it so completely for more than 14 years. Then right before DD was born, my fear changed to what you're expressing...that DS would feel shunted aside. That no one would notice him anymore since there would be a new, cuddly baby (and he was the last baby in our extended family till DD!). After DD was born, I spent most of the couple of days in the hospital crying, with anxiety attacks, about the loss of mine and DS's relationship as it existed before. I even told my midwife that I would always have an little bit more love and protectiveness for DS than I would for DD (wisely, she simply agreed with me and validated my feelings in the moment rather than tell me I'd feel differently later).

Yes, our relationship shifted seismically. But it's like I grew another heart. As corny as it sounds, my love isn't divided, it IS multiplied. And my memories of just DS and I haven't so much faded as they have mellowed...I remember them with fondness, but not with a knife-sharp pain of longing. You and Dylan will still have your closeness, but it will be different. You will love and appreciate him in new ways...and you will all thrive


(((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))
Lisa
 

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I have been feeling the exact same way. I know that ds will love his brothers and it will be so much fun when they can play together, but those first few months are going to be so hard. I also feel guilty about having wanted another child and, especially since I found out we are having twins, wish that we had waited a little longer to get pregnant. I know in the end it will be much better for ds to have siblings, but it is still so hard.

I have several friends that have had babies lately and have kids around ds's age and they have all done really well. They all love their siblings and have done better than their parents expected.

I don't have any advice, but know that you are not alone.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thanks so much mamas for your kind words and encouragement.

I hate that you are feeling or have felt this too, but at the same time it is comforting to know that other mamas have experienced this and dealt with this as well. Many of you seem to almost be in my head with the same thoughts and feelings.

My hope is that it will be an easy and short transition. I am sure that the fact that I will probably have to have a c-section will make it more difficult. I will be limited in my physical capabilities for a while:

- I won't be able to lift Dylan and carry him or just to lift him up and give him a big ole' hug.

- I won't be able to do our "bath" time together, as I can only shower for a while after the procedure. I am trying to start implement this into our bathing routine and fine a workable alternative now, so it won't be so different for him when the babe gets here.

- I will be a bit more limited in my activites, romping and playing. Fortunately no too much more than I am now with the big bump and not being able to breathe.


- Then of course, there is the longer hospital stay with this procedure. I am planning to have him stay with us, particularly at night. He has never been away from us and I certainly don't want it to start when the babe arrives. Too, he still is a night nurser, anywhere from 1 -2 times a night and has to have 'em when he wakes up.

I do feel that his still nursing is going to be a big saviour in all of this. We will still have "our time" when he is nursing.

Good luck to all of you that are going through the same right now. Let's try and keep each other posted on how it is going between now and the big day and even after. Maybe we can start a thread in the forum where it would be appropriate.

sarahloughmiller - It was our time for twins and I have been shocked that neither pregnancy was twins. At first I was disappointed, now I am actually relieved. You have have all of my thoughts and vibes with you mama!
 

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My brother and I are 2.5 years apart. I am the oldest. I do not remember ever feeling any kind of jealousy of sharing mom & dad. There was some sibling rivalry later in life, but in the midst of it was a fierce protectiveness and love for my brother. My brother and I are still friends and I suspect we will get closer as our parents age and we work together to meet their needs.

When I compare that with my dh's experience as a single child of his mom (his father remarried and has another family...whole different set of issues), I much prefer my situation. When his mom starts dealing with health, retirement, and end-of-life issues, he will be totally alone making hard decisions. (I will be there, but no sibling to share that emotional and financial burden). I use the word 'burden', but not in a negative sense...much like our children are a burden...a responsibility during both the easy, fun times, and the hard times...they take emotional and financial energy.

I am expecting my second also and know I am going to be dealing with some of the same feelings. My ds will turn 4 a week or two before this one comes along. I know I can't recall a time before my brother was a part of the family, but I worry that my ds will and it will cause problems...much like the poem described, so hearing about the other mamas with 2 (or more) kids is a comfort to me too, especially the mamas with the older one who will recall a time 'before'.
 

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Hugs to you Mama! I too, went through this recently. I have a 26 MO DS and a 7 week old. I was so worried that DS1 would be so hurt and feel betrayed when I brought DS2 home. DS1 and I are super close. . still to this day I am the only one (not even my poor DH) who can comfort him. I thought that he was going to hate DS2, and me for bringing him home. I could not have been more wrong. . he had never shown one bit of jealousy towards DS2, infact he has become quite the helper for me with his brother. I have found that involving him in helping with diaper changes and the like helps so much. He really feels as though he is contributing and that makes him so proud! He even tells me (well, shakes his head, he doesn't talk yet
) that he loves his brother, and the other day he even offered a coveted matchbox car to DS2 when he was crying. I also make sure to stop whatever I am doing when he asks me to play, no matter what. I just take DS2 with me (heck, you learn to nurse doing just about anything and anywhere!!) and go and play with DS1. Hang in there Mama, your little on may surprise you. What I learned from all was that it was ME who had a harder time giving up my alone time with DS1, not really him. He seemed to adjust much better and quicker than I did!!
 

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I think everyone wonders how they can possible love the second as much as the first, and I know that I feel the same way, the guilt about taking away the time as just Dallin and I...but like Claire said- there is so much joy in having a sibling. I am the oldest of 7 and I love my huge family- and although I don't think I can handle that many, I want my kids to have a sibling or two. Just because there is another coming in to you life doesn't mean that your older child will be neglected...I know you are a wonderful mom Melanie- you just have to trust yourself and know that you are giving your children such a wonderful life with lots of love and attention. It will be ok!
s
 

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Now that Katherine is 15 months old, she and Madeline (3 years and 3 months -- they're nearly exactly two years apart) have The Most Wonderful time together.

But... when I was pregnant with Katherine (which we knew only as 'baby'), I was first filled with such excitement, such elation!!! And for a few months that continued.

Then suddenly the reality of seeing Madeline go on about her merry way and knowing her world would be rocked irreversably was almost too much to bear. I wept at the thought. And, as much as I was scared for Madeline, I was terrified of what I would do.

How on earth could I love another just as I loved my first-born? Madeline was all I knew of loving a child and she had my complete devotion. She was the world. The entire dang world for dh and I. I knew just how much love I had for her and wondered how I could ever even try to fit even just *some* love for #2 in there. She was the whole dang apple pie. And for her sake, I didn't want to have the cut the pie in half.

But... Katherine was born (as always happens
) and... life went on. And I didn't have to think about any of my concerns. She was born and I loved her. I loved her with all my heart. Just the way I loved, and continued to love, Madeline.

I can't tell you how my apple pie shows no signs of cuts. I don't know how it works. I love... well... I don't know? I don't have TWO pies, but they each get their fair share of the warm, gooey sweetness


Seeing the two girls play together now makes my heart swell with love all the more. No, they certainly didn't *choose* to be together. They didn't choose to have a sibling, they didn't choose to share their parents... but the love they have for each other just boggles me. I stare in awe as they play together in their play kitchen... Madeline offering Katherine some sort of magical soup, Katherine making slurping sounds, and the two of them giggling over it. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

But... all the same, I think now that I'm bringing ANOTHER child into the mix and suddenly I'm paralyzed with fear wondering how in the heck I'm going to love THREE. Surely *somebody* will get the short end of the stick. I mean, at least now dh and I are here, so each of the girls can simultaneously get one-on-one attention if needed.

So... I've been through the fear, I've gotten over the fear.... and now I'm right back where I started. But I think that's a mother's duty -- to desire the utmost in love and attention for her children.

I'd be *more* worried if you didn't worry about it at all.
 
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