[junipermuse]

What is everyone's thoughts on attending weddings with babies? I love babies and children and we had a big wedding so I invited everyone's children and babies to our wedding. I didn't care if we heard a little fussing as long as a parent took the baby/child out if the crying became disruptive. I guess I just feel that a wedding isn't a show that a baby would ruin. It's a ceremony, a recognition of one part of the cycle of life and having babies and children there enriches a wedding to me. But I know not everyone feels that way. It seems more often than not wedding invitiations state "no children allowed."

In addition to how I feel in general, I strongly feel that a baby that is still exclusively breastfeeding (even if s/he will take an occasional bottle of expressed bm) should be included in any invitation extended to the mother. What do you think?

I guess I'm just really stressed about my friends' wedding this weekend. I was asked to be in the wedding back when I was a few months pregnant with dd who is now 4mo. The wedding is about 40 min to an hour and a half (depending on traffic) away from where we live, but because of all the other things going on (the bachelorette party, the rehearsal dinner, etc) we will be spending 3 days straight down there. The bachelorette party is tonight which I'm not allowed to bring the baby to. It's actually a slumber party but of course I wouldn't spend the night away from the baby. A few of my friends acted like I was being overprotective for not leaving the baby with her daddy all night (keep in mind we co-sleep and she nurses throughout the night). Then there's the rehearsal dinner the next night and then the wedding. My friend just called to remind me (again!) that the baby was not welcome at the ceremony because they're afraid she'll be fussy and ruin it. When I said that dh would just take her outside for the ceremony if she was noisy, they got all offended that he was willing to miss the whole ceremony. So in the end my mother decided to come home early from her vacation (she lives nearby the wedding site) to watch the baby during the ceremony for about an hour. I get the feeling that my friends think I should be leaving the baby the whole day with my mom, but that seems really unfair to dd who is already away from her home for three days and frankly I don't know that I have enough stored milk for her to spend that much time away from me because the wedding will be like a 12 hour thing with going to the hair salon to having pictures taken and all that stuff. Anyway I guess I am wondering if I am out of line for wanting my baby with the whole time (though she will spend an hour with my mom during the actual ceremony and my mom will just stay with me and her during the rest of the day, so I can nurse her when she needs it)? Or is it unrealistic for my friends to ask me to be in their wedding and then expect me to leave my babies for hours on end for their convenience? What would you have done? Declined to be in the wedding? Insisted baby be with you? Some other form of compromise? Any advice?

* post 74 has an update on how the wedding went

*post 80 has a photo of us at the wedding reception

 

[Beating Earth]

I dont think thats fair at all. Did she know you were pregnant when she asked you??? If she did then why would she not let the baby come.
I agree, I wouldnt leave my LO for that long, but mine is only 11 days.
Other than that I dont really have any advice other than a

Misha

 

[katie9143]

thats a tough one. i think that since you are nursing she needs to be a little more flexible. she may feel like since she probably told other people no kids that they might take offense when seeing yours there. i just got married myself and obviously my dd was there (her auntie was the official baby watcher) i bfed once between the ceremony and the reception and then they used ebm til the end of the ceremony (2 feedings i think) but its totally different since i obviously made my own rules for my own wedding. i did feel like some of my brides maids thought i was being crazy to take off my lace up gown in a back room and feed my baby before entering the reception - but hey that is their problem.

good luck - im glad your mom is able to help out, that takes the pressure off of you atleast!

 

[irmajeanm]

I think you should ask the bride if children are invited to the wedding and reception. Some receptions are strictly adult only and others are with children. If you accepted and knew you would be breastfeeding, you should make plans to meet your mom or someone with the baby after the wedding and enjoy yourself while you have competent help. This is a religious ceremony and some churches are stricter than others.

 

[sugarlumpkin]

Sounds to me like you've got a "me-me-me!! my day!!!" bride on your hands. I totally support your decisions to put your baby first (and from what you said, it sounbds like you've been VERY accomodating to the bride's plans already). If you cannot stay for the entire reception because your responsibilities as a parent come first, that is totally understandable. A breast feeding mom cannot be expected to stay away from her baby for 12 hours! Or all Night!!

 

[BetsyS]

I had a cousin recently get married, and the invitation said "adults only." We debated back and forth about what to do with my son, and in the end, he stayed home with my dh. I was gone for about 5 hours. And, with crackers, water, and some cheerios, my son was fine (he doesn't take a bottle). They had a great time, and everyone was happy when I got home.

Many, many things bothered me about this, but in the end, I chose to defer to the bride. Not that my poor dh didn't hear me rant for weeks.

The worst thing is that the bride likes to talk all about when her babies are born, she's going to be the best mother eveeeeeer, and she's going to raise them "attachment style." Obviously, she isn't quite sure what that is.

To the couples' credit, they offered to have an on-site babysitter, but they couldn't believe that my son doesn't like to be left without us.

: They couldn't believe he didn't take a bottle, either. Also, unlike weddings in other parts of the country, I'm in the south, the couple's wedding was small town Georgia Baptist style wedding, with a 20 minute ceremony, reception out back in the fellowship hall, cake and punch. No dancing, no drinking, just old people telling younger ones how great they look. And, then.... there were other kids at the wedding. Only 3 or 4, but still. But, still. All that angst I had felt for weeks, and I should have just brought him.

I'm clearly harboring a bit of resentment. Maybe that's why their wedding present that I "forgot" to take to the reception is still on my desk.

 

[bluetoes]

Quote:

Originally Posted by sugarlumpkin Sounds to me like you've got a "me-me-me!! my day!!!" bride on your hands. I totally support your decisions to put your baby first (and from what you said, it sounbds like you've been VERY accomodating to the bride's plans already). If you cannot stay for the entire reception because your responsibilities as a parent come first, that is totally understandable. A breast feeding mom cannot be expected to stay away from her baby for 12 hours! Or all Night!!

Exactly.

I am fully supportive of people having any sort of wedding they want and excluding anyone they want to. it's their wedding. I certainly didn't want a fussy baby or uncontrolled screaming through my wedding mass I must admit although we would have never be rude enough to exclude them (that's just us, some people are different). But that doesn't mean you should have to accomodate her since your child is no. 1 priority 24/7, particularly if you EBF. What did she expect when she asked you to be brides maid anyway?

Life changes when you have a child everyone knows that don't they? OK maybe not. Yeah it's her wedding but that doesn't mean it's ok to be a demanding bridezilla! If those are her rules she should understand why you can't be there for all of it.

 

[junipermuse]

In answer to some of the questions yes she knew I was pregnant when she asked me to be a bridesmaid. The first thing I said was that I would need to bring the baby, at the time she said okay, but then later changed her mind later. Of course I agree with her having any type of wedding she wants, but the bride as well as other friends seemed to feel I'm not living up to my duty as bridesmaid if I don't participate in all wedding festivities to the fullest, many of these events don't include my baby. I had a friend actually tell me that I was ridiculous for not wanting to spend the night away from my baby for the bachelorette party. And being upset that my husband was willing to miss the ceremony to watch the baby seemed a little over controlling. And frankly I was willing to have my mom watch the babe for the ceremony all along, it was just after my friends changed the wedding from Sat. to Fri. that we had a problem because originally my mother wasn't planning to return from her vacation until friday evening, so my mom changed her plans to come home tonight. And everytime my friend mentioned how inconvenient it would be to have the baby at the wedding, I reminded her that my mom was coming home early to watch her. She still called me up again to remind me the baby wasn't welcome at the ceremony.

:

yes the baby is welcome (well not so much welcome, but allowed) at the dinner part of the reception, but the reception is actually a two parter. First dinner at a restaurant, then dancing at a club. And the baby is not allowed at the club of course. So I told her we would probably skip out on the dancing part because of the baby, and she got all upset.

I feel like I was very clear all along about my needs concerning my baby, and I am frustrated that she is completely disregarding those needs. Obviously it is her wedding and she can do what she likes, but as a friend she should also respect my limits. If she would have preferred me not to be a bridesmaid because my baby comes first that would have been okay to me too. I'm fine with missing out on some things because I have a baby, but I don't want people angry with me just because I make my baby my first priority.

 

[natty529]

Unfortunately, when it comes to weddings some people can be selfish. My DH and i got married last summer and my now SIL had her youngest daughter(her DD #1 was our flower girl) with her the whole time (who was 5 months at the time) including during the ceremony. SIL had her in the sling and she was so content. When SIL came up to sign our marriage contract, DH and I held her and she was playing with my veil! those are some of the best pics from the wedding! it is too bad that your friends are not open to your DD being with you for that. As for the rest of the day, there is no reason at all IMO that DD can't be with you! if your mom is going to be with you, you can just have her hold DD while you take pictures etc. i think it's REALLY insentitive for them to think that is possible for you to be without DD for a whole day!
when i got married i was just as concerned (if not more so)with the cofort of my guests as i was with my own. just try to explain to her how important it is for you and your DD to be together and just reasure her that it won't take away from the beauty of her day
I'm sorry that you have to go through this!

 

[User101]

One of my favorite wedding pictures is me wearing my gown with a spit cloth over my shoulder holding my college roomie/bridesmaid's newborn.

 

[natty529]

it seems like your friend is way too self involved... even for a bride. i mean, does she really expect you to hit the club when you have a baby to take care of? Obviously your baby is going to come first. and, she shouldn't be upset about you not particitating in ALL the festivities either! i mean if you were pregnant now would she want you to drink because everyone else is? i should hope not
i guess she's just not at a place in her life when she can understand your relationship with your DD.
is she planning on having chidren? maybe she will get it then.

 

[Emma's_Mommy]

i was in a similar position when dd1 was about the same age....my "friend" drove me insane and after a huge blowout dh and i backed out of the wedding and we are no longer friends.....

your friend is being selfish, even for a bride!

 

[sleet76]

I think that the bride is being a little self-absorbed, but that it what a lot of people do for their weddings. Many people expect it, and feel very justified in having others jump through unreasonable hoops. I don't think your needs are unreasonable at all, and you need to do what's best for you and your baby. Hopefully when your friends have babies themselves someday, they'll understand. I think it is really hard for some people to "get it" before they have their own children and go through all the changes one needs to go through to shift their personal focus from "me, me, me" to "us, family, and baby's needs".

 

[RoundAbout]

Quote:

Originally Posted by natty529 it seems like your friend is way too self involved... even for a bride. i mean, does she really expect you to hit the club when you have a baby to take care of? Obviously your baby is going to come first. and, she shouldn't be upset about you not particitating in ALL the festivities either! i mean if you were pregnant now would she want you to drink because everyone else is? i should hope not i guess she's just not at a place in her life when she can understand your relationship with your DD. is she planning on having chidren? maybe she will get it then.

:

I agree with everyone else - she is being selfish. It's absolutely ok for her to set ground rules with regards to whether children can attend (we eloped, but not sure I would want children there either if I had a formal wedding). HOWEVER, to get bent out of shape that you are working within those rules to try and be a good friend AND a good mom at the same time is completely rude.

It's fine that she doesn't want your baby there, but to get all huffy because you aren't doing the overnight trip and aren't going clubbing afterwards and not bringing DH is so unreasonable. She should be grateful that you're willing to work around your baby as is - 4 months old is really young. Does she even get that a mom who is EBF can't really spend a night or a whole day away? Heck, my DH took our son out for only 4 hours a few weeks ago and I was so engorged I felt ready to burst.

 

[ewins24]

This happened to us too when our 2nd DD was also 4mths old. We flew home (we were living in Cal and flew to New Orleans) for the wedding, changed all our plans that summer to rearrange so we could be at the wedding. We had also asked before we did all of this is our dd was "allowed" to be there and were told of course b/c she is a baby and is nursing. Well, we get to New Orleans and are told that DD was NOT welcome to be there at all (ceremony or reception) ! They had hired a baby sitter on site that we could leave her w/! Um NO! I was LIVID to say the least. Oh, and this was my DH's family! So I told them that NO I would NOT go and leave my baby. The bride was so pissed. But I felt like we asked the bride before if dd was welcome and were told yes then after we flew in were told that she could not be there. DH's family was upset w/ us but they got over it and the girls and I just rented a car and drove 3hrs to spend an extra 3 days w/ my family!

All that to say that I understand your frustration and I think you are right to stand your ground and not do all those things. Your baby comes first. You can't spend the night away from your very young baby! I hope one day when she has kids she will realize what she did to you and how hard she made it on you.

(((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))

 

[junipermuse]

Thanks everyone for the support. I can relax just knowing that you mama's understand. Even if no one irl does. I think it's just that in this group of friends who I've known since at least college, some since junior high, dh and I were the first to get married and have kids and all that. Most of these friends don't really even want to have kids. So obviously we have some different values. I guess I'll just do the best I can, keep my baby with me when I can, go home to be with her when I feel I've been away too much, and hope in the end my friends' feelings aren't to hurt. Maybe some day they'll have a baby too and then they'll understand.

 

[Herausgeber]

Actually, Miss Manners is pretty clear on this: Even "no children" at a wedding doesn't include young nurslings. Babies under 1 year aren't really considered separate people from their mothers socially.

In other words, your friend is being officially, unquestionably rude.

 

[LilMomma83]

DH and I are invited to a wedding next month, and although nobody has actually said "no children" they have emplied it strongly. I liked hat my sweet hubby said to put pn the response card, "just write that we are coming, and bringing our breastfed newborn who will not be staying with the nanny(provided to watch children of people atending the wedding) he will be staying with us." This will be the last weekend before I go back to work and there is NO WAY I am going to be away from the baby.

 

[pinksprklybarefoot]

Wow. DF and I are planning a wedding and there is no way in heck we would exclude children. Where is the fun in that?

We are just afraid that everyone will leave by 9:00 pm to get their kiddos in bed.

That being said, hopefully your friend will understand once she has kids. It's a whole different world once you start to procreate.

 

[treqi]

Quote:

Originally Posted by annettemarie One of my favorite wedding pictures is me wearing my gown with a spit cloth over my shoulder holding my college roomie/bridesmaid's newborn.

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