Mothering Forum banner
1 - 18 of 18 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,955 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Are you all doing baby books or scrapbooks? I would love a "natural looking" one rather than one with cartoon characters or whatever on it. I heard the Very Hungry Caterpillar one was cute... if you have one you want to share would you post a link? The time is drawing near...

also, a question: I was going to put ultrasound photos of this baby in her book but I don't have a baby book for our son who didn't make it. Would it be wrong to put some pictures of him in her scrapbook or baby book? I would feel like I was sorta "forgetting" about him if I didn't have something like a baby book for him. But I do have several things of his- pictures, hospital bracelet, a little blankie, a sweater, a hat... maybe I could put those on a shelf (if the time comes that I am ever emotionally ready) with a framed picture of him? aargh- why do I do this to myself?
Thanks.

ETA: I just found this one on the BRU website (I thought heck, maybe I can register for a book...) this one is not very "natural" but very much up my alley!

http://www.toysrus.com/product/index...entPage=search
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
168 Posts
I would feel like I was sorta "forgetting" about him if I didn't have something like a baby book for him. But I do have several things of his- pictures, hospital bracelet, a little blankie, a sweater, a hat... maybe I could put those on a shelf (if the time comes that I am ever emotionally ready) with a framed picture of him? aargh- why do I do this to myself? Thanks.

((((Hugs )))))

Why not get a mini album and make a little book for him too? If you go to a good scrapbook store they should be able to help you. There are special pages you can buy that are like plastic "boxes" to hold 3d items. It doesn't need to have all the pages of what he did... I am so sorry you did not get to do those.... but it can still celebrate the life he DID have. Just because it was not long does not mean it was not important. You could write his story on a page when you feel ready, and tuck in all of his things.....

My friend who lost her daughter at birth last year has a pic of her with the other family pics - I am blessed to see her life celebrated too.

Tracey - wife, mama, midwife
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,292 Posts
I agree with Tracey, I think it would work better to do a mini book of him. Don't get a traditional baby book for him, just a little scrapbook would work fine to hold his pictures, so they each have their own special book. I don't have any good ideas on baby books. My mom found a wonderful one for my first dd, very natural looking with photo pages in it. It was perfect for me. But I have no idea where she got it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,151 Posts
I don't think I would include Doran's things in a book for the new baby, although his story and birth are truly a part of her history too. I think it would be nicer for both babies to honor them with their own. I think you could do a nice display in a shadow box (if you want to display it) or just a memory box (if you'd rather not display it). ((((HUGS)))) I would include pics of your son with other family photos for sure.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,486 Posts
Why don't you get a little memory box for Doran? Or a photo box, like a PP said so you can put his u/s pic in the front. With a box, you have a place for his bracelet and blanket and things like that.

We had the traditional cutesie baby book for Madison. I'd really like to make my own scrapbook this time but I don't know if I have the time/energy to do it (considering Madison's book is filled in only up till a year
: ). I found a pretty cool book at Barnes & Noble that I put on our online registry. It has all the traditional pages but it's very earthy.

Here it is: http://www.amazon.com/o/ASIN/1565074...994VT4VC9KHM82
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,236 Posts
I agree with the PPs that a small scrapbook for Doran would be very nice and touching. I think if you also included a page in your daughter's book about him (if you are doing a scrapbook), that would be appropriate and she would probably really appreciate knowing about him as she grew older. I know that my father wishes he knew more about his older brother who passed away shortly after birth - he's not even sure what his parents named his brother.

As for scrapbook vs. baby book, I have both for DD and I've really focused on the scrapbook because I can put in the things that I have collected for her, whereas the baby book is so prescriptive and there are so many pages that just don't apply to us (dr's visits, christening etc). With a scrapbook, you can really set the tone yourself and not have to worry about the cutesiness factor.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,874 Posts
I have a pG journal so far but no baby book (I did reg for one..) as for Doran.. maybe a shadow box with the itema and a photo?? if you are ready for that?? I think that would be sweet, I also think a US photo or reg photo of Doran is totally appropriate in your DD's baby book , I think most books have a spot for sibs?? I don't know?? reallly, it is whatever is comfortable for you .. many hugs...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
500 Posts
Good luck finding a baby book you like - as for the question about your son. I think I would keep it separate from your new baby's book - a shadow box with items in it or a special simple scrapbook might be a good choice.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,955 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thank you all. I will definitely look into the baby books that have the 3D compartments for some of his stuff. Everything is in a little fabric box we got at the hospital except for his ashes and his pictures- I may do a little shelf for him or keep his items on our bookcase. It is so hard- it is rare that I have the strength to look at his pictures. I think the only way I could do it is to have a little album with his pictures in it instead of a framed picture because then it is a constant reminder.. (I think of him constantly anyways but you know, sometimes you just need a break from it and just tuck it in the back of your mind....)

Thank you all for the suggestions. I really appreciate it!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,410 Posts
Don't push yourself, mama. Don't feel guilty because you're celebrating this baby's life right now.

Eventually you MAY feel ready to put Doran's things out, but you may never. Each of us grieve's differently, but don't feel guilty and think you have to automatically feel grief before you feel joy over your little girl.

This might sound harsh, but it's not meant to be! Anywhoo, likewise, she shouldn't have to feel grief in order to feel joy over being born, so I wouldn't put Doran's things into her book.

Doran isn't forgotten, will never be forgotten and you don't have to bring joy down in order to make their stories equal. Their stories will never BE equal! They're two unique stories, two unique children, two unique chapters in your life.

Kahlil Gibran's book, The Prophet, says something about how we cannot feel so much joy without feeling sadness. I totally subscribe to that. When one is sleeping in your bed, the other is sitting in your chair, waiting. In other words, you felt great sadness and now, because of that, you can feel intense joy and it's your TURN to feel joy!

So get a cool baby book for her and enjoy and celebrate everything about her and her birth. Keep Doran's things where they are until you're ready for more. Do it all guilt free, because no one is keeping score. Everyone knows they're both so important to you, but that doesn't mean they must have everything equally.

Hugs mama!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,986 Posts
s

I like the shadow box idea.

We have one of birth stuff from DS - first hat, dipe, papers, etc and then I have a scrap book that is very incomplete with u/s, preg pix's, birth pix, etc.

THEN...we also have another shadow box that isnt really out in public - it has a bunch of u/s, preg test, lab results...just random stuff from my post - DS m/c's. Because they were before 12 weeks or so, I just consider it this child's other attempts to join our family (helped with my healing to rationalize it that way), and somehow I will incorporate it into this child's scrapbooks.

BUT, my situation is totally different than yours - I would def do a page or 2 so your new babe will know Doran. I think that is such a sweet idea, and your a thoughtful mama.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,311 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by Traceyky View Post
Why not get a mini album and make a little book for him too?
Yeah. That's what I did for our first baby who didn't make it. I put all his/her ultrasound photos in a little photo album and decorated it with some baby things. I'm glad I did. But I wouldn't put that stuff in an album designed for another child.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,350 Posts
I would definitely recommend a seperate box/album for Doran. First of all, I think its nice to remember him on his own. Second of all, from experience, its going to be a while before your daughter is ready to hear and understand what happened to her brother. DD is 3 1/2 and we still don't get into the whole thing with her--she is just so sensitive, and doesn't understand what "died" means anyway. DD loves to go through her own baby book, loves looking at the pictures and things in there, loves asking questions. I think if you had Doran's stuff in there it would be awkward answering your DD's questions, which she will inevitably ask before she is mature enough to understand and be able to handle the answers.

In addition, I would consider putting together Doran's stuff whenever you feel ready. For me, this was not until after my DD was born. I was too paranoid about her being OK, and looking through the old stuff really got to me, you know. I had to have my healthy baby out into the world before I could emotionally deal with the other stuff, does that make any sense? Just something to think about.

Finally, if you don't like the ready-made baby books, you could always make one of your own from scratch. Look at the ones in the stores, write down some of the stuff that they have on the pages, and then buy a blank, natural-looking album and do a scrapbooking kind of thing to make a book that you really like. Do you make it to Boston at all? Paper Source in Brookline (right off Beacon Streeet) has some beautiful blank books and scrapbooking papers.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,845 Posts
I read this early this AM and didn't have time to reply until now... and I see that everything I could have said has been said. I agree with great ideas... having a separate box or book for mementos of Doran. It's important for you to have a place to go to remember him. If the baby book were just for you, I would say go ahead and put memories of both babies in it. But if they are for the family/baby, then I would give Doran and Maighraed both their own spaces.

For either Doran or Maighraed, a blank book to jot things or glue things in might be sufficient. Some of the formal baby books can be intimidating. I registered for a baby book that looks cute... with Dylan I kept a journal while I was pregnant, but I think I will need something more structured for this baby. I haven't kept a pregnancy journal at all because I've been so consumed with caring for the first child.

I think it's good for Maighraed to know about her brother... My mother had a stillbirth before me and my sister and I learned about it accidentally when we were teenagers. We had a lot of questions, but were always afraid to ask them -- what would her name have been? were the baby spoons and trinkets I have intended for her first? etc. Silly stuff that seems really important when you are an adolescent. I finally talked to her about it when I was pregnant with Dylan, and its obviously still painful for her, even nearly 40 years later. I don't know if having more memories would have helped or not... she's very Scandinavian about her emotions. One thing that I realize now as a mother that I didn't before is how happy and relieved my parents must have been at my birth.

However you choose to honor your feelings about either child, remember that your feelings for one are no reflection at all on your feelings for the other.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,955 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
<sniff> Thank you all so much. I didn't even think about the new baby asking questions about who this other baby is. I am definitely going to do a small album with his ultrasound and birth pictures, and that will sit on the shelf with his other little items. I think a bookcase shelf would be the way to go rather than a single wall shelf because I don't know where I would hang it... we have a nice wood and wrought iron shelving unit that I have some framed pictures, a smudge bundle, some sentimental things... I think I will give Doran one of those shelves. Those are my most important things.

Thank you all again.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,205 Posts
I have a close friend who also lost a baby to stillbirth three years ago. She has her daughter's ultrasound picture framed on her nightstand. The only other things she has are the clothes she bought and received as gifts, which are stored in the attic, and a painting her husband made to decorate her room, which is now in their bedroom hanging over their bed. I think it's nice that they keep mementos of their daughter so close to them and in view, but that's a personal thing that depends on each family.

She now has a 2yo son, and on her daughter's birthday she talks about her to him, very simply but acknowledging that she is and always will be a part of their family. She says that he had a sister and tells him her name and shows him her ultrasound picture.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,424 Posts
hi!
i went through the same thing with Rain (full term still birth last sept) and this guy.

what i did:
framed her foot prints and put them on our family alter that is really geared to this baby's upcoming birth (pictures of all of us as babies are on there somewhere)
i did have a baby book for Rain, but i wrote in it and buried it with her ashes and with most of the things from the hospital that were "hers"
i have a memory box of her things that i did keep
and i write to her in my journal some, which has letters that i write to both my living dd and my new unborn son.

hope that helps

it is the most confusing thing in the world to walk the path we are walking, but just try and be patient with your self and remember, however you honor both your children is perfect if it feels right to YOU.

my new baby has a baby book and i did list Rain as a sibling in it.
i need to pull it back out and write some more!

love and hugs
mj
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,304 Posts
i was thinking the same thing -- a small scrap book / ablum. natural tones, 6X 9 or whatever ... put it is anything and everything you have. Write a letter, write a poem ..... footprints, photos whatever you have.

You'll want this later, your other children will want this later ...

When the time is right for your family frame the photo.

Anything too big for the book -- box up, lable and put away.

and totally be sure to inculde the baby as a sib to the new one in the new one's book.

MIL lost a baby at birth before DH was born, it was such a shunned topic DH never knew anything about it, why it happned or anything. Very sad -- and very hard to bring it up now 45 years later.......

JMO
 
1 - 18 of 18 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top