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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi everyone!

I really hope no one minds me posting here. I've been thinking about reaching out for advice for a couple of months now and always held back because I didn't know if anywhere would accept the stepkids asking for advice. If people have issues with me posting here, I'm sorry.

My has me (16) and my stepmom has three kids (14, 11 and 10). They also have my 4 month old half brother together. I knew from the start them having a baby was a bad idea and I felt bad for thinking it, because everyone should want their siblings, right? But these kids are not disciplined at all. They can curse and hit people and be rude without any consequences. They've been in trouble since my dad met her. And they made it clear they didn't want a new sibling. But my dad and stepmom had him anyway and now he's here and things are 10000% worse. The steps hate our half brother and refuse to do anything to help out or be nice. So that leaves a lot to me. On top of having extra chores, I also have to walk them to and from school, even if it makes me late, and I have to help them with their homework, which means tolerating them cursing and throwing things at me. I'm also responsible for helping out with the baby when my stepmom wants time with her other kids. So I will feed him, bathe him and put him to bed. Not the hardest thing in the world, but when I've been helping with the other kids all day, it makes it hard for me to fit in all my homework undisrupted. Then I had to babysit all four kids one night and it was hell. The younger two were trying to hurt and spit on the baby and when I stepped in to stop them, they spat on me and gave me a black eye. The 14 year old then threatened to drop the baby on his head if I made her hold him. Also, they refused to eat when I prepared (even though it was pizza and they all love pizza) and a ton of food went to waste, which annoyed my stepmom.

I've tried talking to my dad, because we're pretty close, or we used to be anyway. He ignores me every time and has told me he just wants to be happy with his wife and two kids. He told me things would get better with time because the kids will get over it...I don't see that happening. My stepmoms mom hasn't visited in almost a year and she still hasn't met her newest grandchild because she doesn't like the way the younger kids behave. My grandparents don't live near us, but don't want to be around the steps either, so I only see them when my dad can drive me there or they can pick me up for a few days. Added to all this, my dad told me there are 3 more days this month they'll need me to babysit (this Friday and Saturday as well as one day at the end of the month). I seriously wanted to cry when he told me. I'm actually afraid I'll end up losing it with one or all of the steps and will hurt them, which I don't really want despite my growing dislike (almost hatred, which I KNOW sounds terrible :frown:).

I don't know what to do anymore. I might not mind as much if these kids weren't so horrible and I didn't have to watch them every time I try to do something and leave my half brother down. I don't have a mom, never really had one, so dad is my only parent and I do not want to lose him. :frown:
 

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Your step-sibling gave you a black eye. They threatened to drop the baby on his head. I think you are justified in not being fond of them.

The thing with it being a bad idea to have another baby - let that judgment go. It was a decision made by people who were not you, for reasons which elude you, and in that way it will be EXACTLY like every other time someone in your life (besides yourself) chooses to have a baby.

I do have some serious issues with your parents - getting you to school on time, making sure you have time for homework and so on should be a family priority. You should not have to put up with ANYONE throwing things at you and cursing. The problem is that you have possibly very poor leverage to insist. What happens if you demand time for your own work? What happens if you point out that you need to think about grades and college applications? Has anyone at your school talked to you about tardiness, and is that issue coming back to your parents through any kind of official channel?

What happens if you refuse to babysit the older kids on the basis that last time you got a black eye? Can you approach your grandparents for more and more intensive help?

Your dad sounds really checked out on you here, and I have no idea what's up there, but it seems you would have far fewer problems if he was standing up for you. You can't make his choices, but you maybe don't have to protect him from his choices either. You're allowed to be mad at him. You're allowed to tell him that you're miserable and stressed and unable to cope. You're allowed to talk to teachers and counselors at school about how you can manage your situation to minimize risk of physical injury and protect your ability to meet your own obligations (like school and schoolwork). I feel like the best thing I can realistically imagine for you right now is participation in a sport or activity with the kind of involved coach who calls your parents when you're late for school three days in a row or your homework isn't done, to be stern about the importance of your academics and ask what it's going to take to get you to school on time. January's not a great time for that. But I would have you running winter track (even if you hate running) if it would put you under the eye of an adult who would do that for you.
 

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At 16 you need to be preparing for your future, not being the nanny for an out of control family. I would suggest doing whatever it takes to get out of that situation and into one that is more supportive. I'm no expert on what your options are, but here are some ideas: consult with a guidance counselor, ask your grandparents, search the internet for situations that can allow a teen to be independent early, start college early...
 

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Absolutely talk to your teachers and possibly school officials to let them know what's going on if it could impact your grades. They may be able to work with you so it at least won't impact you academically. I believe it's not uncommon for schools to have after school study options for struggling students, if your grades are slipping your teachers could tell your dad you need this so you can at least get your homework done.

Are there any relatives you can live with who would be willing to put in the effort to get custody? Or that you could at least stay with sometimes to get a break?

I completely understand being afraid of losing your dad, but it's not your job to sacrifice yourself to keep him. He should be making sure YOUR needs are met. He's the one that's pushing you away, you aren't pushing him away. Please don't feel guilty I'd your relationship isn't doing well or you end up having to move out, it's not your fault.

I agree that you should let the judgement go. It doesn't matter if it was a good or bad decision- it's the reality you have to live with.
 

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Wait...
He ignores me every time and has told me he just wants to be happy with his wife and two kids.
Your dad is not a very nice person, is he. Sorry that isn't helpful, it just seems like he's not only doing basically nothing to care for the kids he actually thinks of as his, but he's doing less than nothing for the kids he views as his wife's.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks for all the responses everyone! I've been talking to my dad and to my grandparents. We all discussed the situation as it is presently. My dad finally agreed that none of this was good for me and it's impacting me (and our relationship) negatively. So I'm currently staying with my grandparents. It might not be long term, or it might be. My dad calls me daily and he has plans to come down and see me Saturday, which is good. So I guess we'll see how things go. It's been so nice to see my grandparents more and to have time for myself without dealing with kids.
 

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Thanks for all the responses everyone! I've been talking to my dad and to my grandparents. We all discussed the situation as it is presently. My dad finally agreed that none of this was good for me and it's impacting me (and our relationship) negatively. So I'm currently staying with my grandparents. It might not be long term, or it might be. My dad calls me daily and he has plans to come down and see me Saturday, which is good. So I guess we'll see how things go. It's been so nice to see my grandparents more and to have time for myself without dealing with kids.
Thanks for updating, so very glad for you!
 
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