Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 25 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,526 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
<p>Here is what happened. I will try to keep it short, but that is hard. With my first, my dh would argue tooth and nail to name the baby what he wanted But if I agreed with him, he would suddenly hate the name and move on. In the end, he named that baby. 17 months later, our 2nd child was born. With her, my dh was pulling the same thing. I told him that we need to agree this time and she will have a name I like too. At one point, I made a list of 20-30 names (don't recall exactly how many now, but there were lots of names on there) but he declared he hated them all. Other things happened in our lives at the time because dh was controlling and over ruled me on things. So, I told dh to pick a name from my list within a week or I would and that would be her name. He did not pick anything. So I did. Then I called her by that name for the next 4 months until she was born. But, when I went in to labor, just as the contractions hit hard, DH suddenly started a huge argument with me demanding that I name the baby this other name. He continued to argue with me and be cruel about it throughout the entire labor and after she was born. In the end, I just put the name I picked on the birth certificate. Then he seemed fine with it, which I don't know why he upset me so much and caused so many problems like he did. If he had mentioned thie other name even days before, I would have considered it..but in the middle of labor? I think not!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>A year later we went to couples therapy. He admitted his mother was the one who had picked the name he brought up during labor and he never told me because he wanted please his mother and knew I would not go along with it if I knew that was his motive. Then, to top it off, he also admitted that the reason he does not like any names I like is because he wants to feel in control by picking the name all by himself and he does not feel he is picking the name by himself if I actually like the name! Can you believe that? Our agreement by the time we stopped therapy was that I would name all future babies.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Then baby #3 came along and he launched his arguing again. Baby #3 ended up being born early and died and got the name DH wanted. I admit that I gave in to dh easily when I realized he was not going to live. With baby #4, DH just let me name him. With baby #5 though, dh launched his attack again. It was soo bad that when the baby was 5 days old, the hospital sent in a social worker to question me because they felt I was not prepared for the baby or must not have wanted the baby because I refused to name him. I tried to explain to her that it was all my DH, that I would happily name him, but DH says no. I called DH up at home and told him to get back to the hospital now and how angry I was and how can he just demand we simply not name a baby!! He gave in and let me name him (dh had no names he liked) but was angry about it all. He felt he should not have to give in to this. I have no clue how long dh expected the baby to go without a name. I named him and his name is perfect. I still love his name.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Baby #6 was born still. We just gave him a name neither of us cared about, sad to say. It was a bible name, but not one we would have used otherwise. The baby was quite early so we had not really gotten in to picking a name yet (about 20 weeks).</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Baby #7....the arguing began again (by now, you probably think we are nuts and should not have had so many children when we cannot name them, but seriously, this IS our main problem, it is a very weird problem, but it is pretty big for us). DH hated all names. He hated not just all of my names, but ALL names. It really brought me down my entire pregnancy and caused a lot of problems. At one point, he said he liked Ryan. I said no, Ryan is too close to Riley, which is our oldest child's name. That was the only name he ever suggested. Finally, when the baby was born, he told me I could just name the baby what I wanted...so I did. Then he said no way, he hated that name and started mocking it and making jokes. So, I just went back to my favorite name from before that. He let that go for 2 days before he started. I went to one other name I had on my list. After another day, he told me that was the worst name yet. At this point, I started crashing and the baby had to be sent to the nursery and my IVs reput in. I was very sick and almost did not make it. I had complications from the unneccesary csect. Under the influence of heavy drugs, I told my dh he could just name the baby. And he did. He named him Ryan. I was not happy as the drugs wore off. I tried to talk to him about it, but he just cut me off. I had anxiety and panic at this point from the csect going so bad and I was feeling so sick. It was awful. After getting out of the hospital, a few days later, I told my dh I hate the name and I think he was cruel to take advantage of my near death experience to name the baby a name I hate. He claimed to not realize I hated the name and said we could change it to the name I like. But, I was still so sick for some time after the birth, I did not feel up to anything. I was afraid to make any decisions being in that condition. Then I just felt stupid changing the name. Legally, I can change his name even now if I want. I still do not care for his name. But, he is 16 months old now so if I felt stupid doing it when he was 4 months old, I should really feel dumb now.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>SO, the agreement DH and I made was the baby would stay Ryan and in exchange, I can name the next baby whatever I want and he would smile and nod and act happy.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>OK..so..I am pregnant (yay!) The boy name is picked already, the name I wanted before and did not get. On the girl name though, I have a list. DH saw it and actually liked one of the names. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Here is the pitiful part....the name he picked I could definitely be ok with, BUT, I do like some of the other names better and I actually am not that interested in picking a name that will make him happy. Am I just being awful? I am sure my feelings are normal, under the circumstances. But it feels way unfair if I have to hate the name of our toddler and smile and nod and put up with it, and then he would get to love the name of the new baby too. My top names are Ava, Piper, and Ivy. He likes Olivia and Olivia is in my top 11 list, but it is not at the top of that list.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>How would you feel? What would you do?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No insults please, I already know how ridiculous it all is. I should be grateful I do not have bigger problems, as I know many do. But this is an emotional and weird and difficult problem for us.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,064 Posts
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Lisa1970</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1292085/baby-naming-spite-would-you-feel-this-way-too#post_16192837"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>SO, the agreement DH and I made was the baby would stay Ryan and in exchange, I can name the next baby whatever I want and he would smile and nod and act happy.  </strong></p>
<p> </p>
<p>OK..so..I am pregnant (yay!) The boy name is picked already, the name I wanted before and did not get. On the girl name though, I have a list. DH saw it and actually liked one of the names. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Here is the pitiful part....the name he picked I could definitely be ok with, BUT, I do like some of the other names better and I actually am not that interested in picking a name that will make him happy. Am I just being awful? I am sure my feelings are normal, under the circumstances. But it feels way unfair if I have to hate the name of our toddler and smile and nod and put up with it, and then he would get to love the name of the new baby too. My top names are Ava, Piper, and Ivy. He likes Olivia and Olivia is in my top 11 list, but it is not at the top of that list.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>How would you feel? What would you do?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No insults please, I already know how ridiculous it all is. I should be grateful I do not have bigger problems, as I know many do. But this is an emotional and weird and difficult problem for us.</p>
</div>
</div>
<br><br><p>I'd just live happily ever after with little baby Ava/Piper/Ivy and not worry one further second about it. :) </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,595 Posts
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Lisa1970</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1292085/baby-naming-spite-would-you-feel-this-way-too#post_16192837"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a><br><p>How would you feel? What would you do?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>No insults please, I already know how ridiculous it all is. I should be grateful I do not have bigger problems, as I know many do. But this is an emotional and weird and difficult problem for us.</p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br><br>
I'd name the baby whatever I wanted and have the nurses (doctor, midwife, doula, whatever) kick him out if he started up again during labor.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,450 Posts
<p>I'd feel the same way.  Especially since his Mom is trying to have input.  LOL.  When grandma carries a baby for over 9 months, she can name it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I picked my daughter's name.  My ex wanted Skyler.  I vetoed that because to me it sounded so stupid.  But, now I'd be fine with it.  At that time though, I was really adamant on my daughter's name.  For some reason though, I couldn't think of a Boy's name I liked, so My ex wanted Brenden.  I said "Fine, I can live with that, but if it's a girl, I get to pick".  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Yes.. it's petty.  Yes, you have Olivia in your top 11... but, he agreed to let you choose.  I think he should let you have whatever name you choose.  I like "Ava" better than Olivia, and I don't care for Piper (because I knew someone named Piper that I didn't like in 1982<img alt="ROTFLMAO.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/ROTFLMAO.gif">)  I think if you are letting your body be taken over by a baby... you should name it Nemo if you want.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,450 Posts
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>[email protected]</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1292085/baby-naming-spite-would-you-feel-this-way-too#post_16193066"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br>
. But for now, I would pick the name you like. It's your turn.</div>
</div>
<p><br>
But, don't pick a name JUST for spite.  Pick the one you love.</p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
12,445 Posts
<p>It's your turn. If you like Ava better than Olivia, then pick Ava. Or Ivy. Or Piper. If she's born and you decide that she looks like an Olivia, name her that. If she looks like a Brunhilda, name her that. It's your turn.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>However, I disagree that this is the 'only' issue. Wasn't there an issue of moving and him unilaterally deciding something there? I think there is an issue of control. I don't know what your family structure is or what your beliefs are, but you may need to find a way to come to terms with it or address it.</p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,592 Posts
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Lisa1970</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1292085/baby-naming-spite-would-you-feel-this-way-too#post_16192837"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p><strong>But, when I went in to labor, just as the contractions hit hard, DH suddenly started a huge argument with me demanding that I name the baby this other name. He continued to argue with me and be cruel about it throughout the entire labor and after she was born.</strong></p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>Then, to top it off, he also admitted that the reason he does not like any names I like is because he wants to feel in control by picking the name all by himself and he does not feel he is picking the name by himself if I actually like the name!</strong></p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>With baby #5 though, dh launched his attack again. It was soo bad that when the baby was 5 days old, the hospital sent in a social worker to question me because they felt I was not prepared for the baby or must not have wanted the baby because I refused to name him. I tried to explain to her that it was all my DH, that I would happily name him, but DH says no. I called DH up at home and told him to get back to the hospital now and how angry I was and how can he just demand we simply not name a baby!!</strong></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span style="font-weight:bold;">...</span><strong>started mocking it and making jokes</strong>.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>I tried to talk to him about it, but he just cut me off.</strong></p>
<p> </p>
<p><strong>I should be grateful I do not have bigger problems, as I know many do.</strong></p>
</div>
</div>
<p> </p>
<p>I have to ask..... you really think there aren't any bigger issues in your relationship, other than not being able to agree on names for your children? Nothing I bolded points to a man who loves and respects you.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Personally, I would have refused to have any more children with this "man" after the incident when you were in labor with your second child. Arguing with a woman in labor over the child's name is so completely unacceptable. If that were my dh (and I never in a million years could see him doing something like that) I would have asked the nurses to kick him out and he would have missed the birth and naming of the child. I don't know how it works when you're married, but when I had my son (not married, the bio-dad and I were engaged at the time) only I needed to sign the birth certificate. The bio-dad had no legal say in naming the child.</p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
11,487 Posts
<p>It sounds like there might be bigger issues in your marriage than just baby naming...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Regardless, I'd name this baby whatever you love.  It doesn't sound like you can really meet your DH halfway on this, if history is any indication. </p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,536 Posts
<p>I would try to just wait.  He says he likes Olivia now, but what will he say when the baby is actually born? He may not stick with it.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>I think I would find some names I love, and if my dh preferred one I would choose it, but still be choosing a name I was happy with.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
774 Posts
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Drummer's Wife</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1292085/baby-naming-spite-would-you-feel-this-way-too#post_16193275"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif"></a><br><br><p>It sounds like there might be bigger issues in your marriage than just baby naming...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Regardless, I'd name this baby whatever you love.  It doesn't sound like you can really meet your DH halfway on this, if history is any indication. </p>
</div>
</div>
<br>
nak i'd see the counsellor again and maybe even considering leaving him at home during labor. if any man tried to ruin my labor by starting a stupid argument he'd be kicked out asap.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,526 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
<p> Thing about the moving though, I still feel affected because we are still here. But his job is very good so I feel like it would be bad to move now. We just never should have come here in the first place and should have left when we had the chance.<br>
 </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>LynnS6</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1292085/baby-naming-spite-would-you-feel-this-way-too#post_16193156"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>It's your turn. If you like Ava better than Olivia, then pick Ava. Or Ivy. Or Piper. If she's born and you decide that she looks like an Olivia, name her that. If she looks like a Brunhilda, name her that. It's your turn.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>However, I disagree that this is the 'only' issue. Wasn't there an issue of moving and him unilaterally deciding something there? I think there is an issue of control. I don't know what your family structure is or what your beliefs are, but you may need to find a way to come to terms with it or address it.</p>
</div>
</div>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,742 Posts
<p>I wouldn't pick a name just because he liked it more given the past.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I will say, though, that I probably would name my son something different if he were born today, and I'm the one who brought up his name. I loved it then. I still think it's a "pretty" name, but in retrospect, I would've picked something more Anglican. He's starting to ask about going by Alex (his middle name is Alexander), and though I tell him that I am fine with whatever he wants to do, I secretly hope he'll decide to do it. So...even though you don't like the name Ryan, it's something you may have to think about even if you'd named him.</p>
<p><br>
I agree with Lynn & a couple of others as well. There are a lot of control issues in your marriage, and your husband sounds like a bear. I've said before that I'm generally in the "marriage is for life" camp, but there are things he does to you that are so disrespectful and bordering on emotionally abusive that I would consider leaving. You're not being treated as an equal partner in your marriage, and the naming of babies is just a symptom.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,282 Posts
<p>I could not and would not live with that amount of control over me. Starting arguments during labor? All I can say for that is wow...just...wow.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,576 Posts
<p>was counseling helpful for you guys? could you go back?</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,362 Posts
<p><br>
Ditto and ditto.  I am just speechless.  If my dp acted that way, he wouldn't be getting close enough to me to be having any more children.<br>
 </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>StephandOwen</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1292085/baby-naming-spite-would-you-feel-this-way-too#post_16193260"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a>
<p> </p>
<p>I have to ask..... you really think there aren't any bigger issues in your relationship, other than not being able to agree on names for your children? </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Personally, I would have refused to have any more children with this man.</p>
</div>
</div>
<br><br><p> </p>
<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>TinkerBelle</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1292085/baby-naming-spite-would-you-feel-this-way-too#post_16194635"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>I could not and would not live with that amount of control over me. Starting arguments during labor? All I can say for that is wow...just...wow.</p>
</div>
</div>
<br><br>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,845 Posts
<p>Absolutely. I'm sorry, lady <span><img alt="hug2.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug2.gif"></span><br>
 </p>
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Kirsten</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1292085/baby-naming-spite-would-you-feel-this-way-too#post_16195329"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p><br>
Ditto and ditto.  I am just speechless.  If my dp acted that way, he wouldn't be getting close enough to me to be having any more children.</p>
</div>
</div>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,391 Posts
<p>I agree there are other problems. Honestly I couldn't imagine having DH start ANY argument while I was in labor.. The LAST thing on his mind if I was in a bad condition like you were would be what the baby's name would be. He probably would tell them to wait until I was in the clear and then we would decide the name together.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As for the name, if you like another better Id go with it. Chances are given the past he would just end up "hating" it if you agree to use the name he liked.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,334 Posts
After all that, sure I would feel that way too. I too would recognize that it was petty and I should be above it, but damn, after all that I would want to not pick that name out of spite too! Like other posters, I think the best thing to do is to forget what he said and pick whichever name you like best, it's your turn and if history is any lesson, he'll probably decide he hates that name tomorrow anyway!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,301 Posts
<p>Sweetheart...this is not your only problem. I'm really sorry for this stress and I'm really sorry for the losses you've suffered.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>You + DH + 40 -/+ weeks (SHOULD) = some process whereby the child has a name everyone can agree upon by the time he's born/a few days old...SHOULD NOT = you arguing through ctx about the fact that he is no longer satisfied with the name he said he would go with.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In more than one case, as outlined above, he has used your being in a vulnerable state to get what he wants in a fight about what to call your baby for the rest of his life. That's bizarre and heartbreaking. :(</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Oh, and to answer the question, I'd tell him to go pound salt and name my girl whatever I wanted.</p>
 
1 - 20 of 25 Posts
Top