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<p>We rarely use babysitters - maybe 4xs a year. So when we do I am super casual. The only expectations I have for the babysitter is to try to get them to bed reasonably close to their actual bedtime. If the kids eat hot dogs or pizza and have coke for dinner and watch 3 hours of TV or play computer for hours or whatever - I don't care, because these occasions so rare.  </p>
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<p>I have a friend that I treasure and respect very much. She is a very practical, responsible, down to earth woman.</p>
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<p>However, my friend has a 20 yo DD "L" that is, imo, excessively immature. L has babysat once for my 6yo and 4yo - 2 years ago. When we cam home and asked L how the evening was, she couldn't tell us what she or the kids had done. Nothing at all, she just answered short yes and no, so it was a but odd. But the kids were asleep and fine, which was the most important thing. But when my DH tried to drive L - repeatedly offered to drive her home, to bus, wherever... she refused and wanted to "just walk". Three days later my friend calls me; she has not seen or heard from her daughter since! L never came home. She only got her daughter L to finally call home and say she was ok by calling a friend of hers and saying that if she didn't hear from her in 30 minutes, that her dad was going to the police station to file a missing persons report. They did file a report, but luckily she called in an hour and she was fine. She was just hanging out with her new boyfriend.</p>
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<p>I guess she was showing how grown up and independent she was by just disappearing off the face of the earth. Not. In the last two years L has continued to show her maturity by getting another boyfriend and marrying him after 6 months at city hall, where everyone invited was supposed to throw foam rocks instead of rice - the foam rocks symbolizing attacking the police with rocks. She divorced him after a year. New boyfriend and her are now living back at her parents, rent free, neither with job or education. She has tried university twice and dropped out of 2 programs so far. She has lied to her parents about so many things, even basic things like where she has been and what she has been doing. She is trying to find herself, but is just so lost.</p>
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<p>For the record, I have never mentioned any of my opinions about L to my friend, because frankly it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS. And I had no reason to make it my business. If she wanted to ask my opinion she would. And she has other friends who have much older kids that could probably relate to her specific issues with a teenager better anyway. The only time I expressed anything was concern when she called me when her husband was going to the police. </p>
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<p>Problem: My friend has several times said "L would love to babysit" "Are you looking for a babysitter - L is available." The truth is over my dead body. No way is her DD ever going to babysit for my kids. Instead, I just say "we don't really use a babysitter that often." That is the truth. But when we do use a babysitter, it is 2 mutual friends of ours. So she finds out and then she offers her daughter to babysit again, and I kindly decline. Two of our mutual friends have even asked on her behalf "Oh, I bet L would babysit". One of them added "Don't let L's appearance worry you. She is such a sweet girl."  The very least of Ls problems is her appearance - she has shaved/colored hair, piercings... whatever. If you ask me this was what we all looked like at art college in NYC in 1985 - so she looks old fashioned and dated to me, but I guess some people think she is trying to make a statement. I could care less how she looks. It is the rest of it that that is the reason that she will never babysit my kids. If something happened, she would lie about it. And if something were happening, I don't think she would have the emotional maturity and common sense to deal with it at the time. I trust most 12 yo more than L. </p>
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<p>Sunday we were at a party together and on my way out L and her mom were talking and L said "I guess I should mention I am babysitting again." I was able to ignore the comment and say good-bye. I don't want to have to tell my friend that her DD can't babysit for all the reasons above. I don't see the point in telling her something hurtful she already knows. But the hints are not stopping. And she knows I use X and Y to babysit. How do I get the message to her clearly - without hurting my friend? </p>
 

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<p>Hmm. That's a tough situation.</p>
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<p>If your friend keeps bringing it up, and it sounds like she might, maybe you could just be honest and say that you don't feel comfortable having L babysit.</p>
 

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<p>"Oh, thanks - I already use X and Y as babysitters, so we're all set, thanks!"</p>
 

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<p>I would say that the kids really love x and y--since you use a babysitter so rarely, you try to make it a treat for the kids.  If she persisted, I would be a bit frank.  I would say that it made you uncomfortable last time because A: she couldn't tell you what they did while you were out and B: she went missing afterwards.  I wouldn't go into everything else--just what was actually relevant the time she sat for you</p>
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<p>amy</p>
 

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<p>I think you can just stick with one explanation and rinse and repeat. It's odd she's persisting. No need to keep changing your explanation. I don't think there's any need to up the ante and explain your real discomforts either. Just rinse and repeat.</p>
 

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<p>Yea,I would just say," No thanks,we already have a sitter for the kids." Just keep repeating if needed.I would not want her watching my kids either.</p>
 

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<p>"Thanks. We go out very rarely, and when we do, we already have babysitters to call on." Repeat ad naseum.</p>
 
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