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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I only found out that I was pregnant last Friday, when I was 6 weeks. Up until then, I thought I was having some freaky period, maybe because of a thyroid medication I'd started. I'd been having spotting from two days before my period was due, and it lasted almost two weeks. Some days, it was almost nothing. Other days, it would be a bit heavier, but still didn't amount to much. Still, it was unusual for me, so I took a test, and was shocked when it was positive.

DH and I hadn't been trying. We were going to try in a couple of months, but this little angel wanted us NOW, I guess! We were surprised, but very, very happy and excited that we'd have a sibling for DD. It made everything seem right.

On Wednesday, I started having heavier bleeding, and horrible pain. To make a long story boring, I lost the baby. Actually, I'm still in the process of losing the baby. I feel like I've been living at the emergency room.

I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy, but it was very different. It was a missed miscarriage - I didn't find out until an ultrasound revealed no heartbeat, and I ended up with a D&C. This experience is so different...the pain, the feelings like labour, the blood, the not knowing when it will JUST BE OVER. Im not a fan of surgery, but at least the D&C gave me closure, and I could move on and start planning for the future. This time, I feel like I'm caught in limbo, a land of the endless miscarriage, always wondering what I'm going to find when I go to the loo.

Of course, people are saying dumb but well-meaning things like, "At least you've got DD", "At least you know you can get pg", "At least you weren't too far along", "At least you hadn't been trying". At least, at least...it doesn't make the loss any easier.

On the other hand, I have people saying, "Oh, this happened to me, and I got pregnant again right away - you will too". Well, I don't know if I WANT to. One miscarriage was bad enough, but I could chalk it up to fate and statistics, and deny that my body had any significant role in it. Now, after two, I wonder if there is something wrong with me. The doctors say, no, everything is fine, but I'm terrified. I desperately want more babies, but honestly, I don't know if I can put us through this again...looking at that damn ultrasound screen and seeing a big nothing where the baby was supposed to be. Feeling like my body is a failure. Enduring veiled suggestions from my mother and MIL that it is somehow my fault; that I am not healthy enough, that I've done something wrong. Hearing the pity from friends who have never had anything but healthy, uneventful pregnancies. I just don't know if I can take this chance one more time.

If you've read this novel to the end, bless your patience! It's a bit of a rant, but it helps to write it down. With the first miscarriage, I was unbearably sad. With this one, I'm horribly angry. Angry at myself for whatever it is I've done to cause this; angry at the universe for taking away another baby who would have been so dearly loved.
 

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I am so sorry
People can be very insensitive. When I had a blighted ovum last December, my mother actually said something like, well, it was an oops, and this really wasn't a good time to have a baby anyhow, was it?
: Oh yeah, hurrah, good thing I miscarried.

Give yourself some time to heal. You probably just had bad luck, maybe it was a blighted ovum. At least you know you can have a healthy pg due to DD being born full term. My friend had two m/c in a row, and felt just like you did and swore to stop trying. But she got pg a third time, and is now 34 weeks pg with #2.

Anyhow, take care of yourself!
 

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p.s. YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Be a friend to yourself, and stop beating yourself up for something beyond your control. Imagine it was your best friend going through this right now- would you blame her for her miscarriage? No! Be kind to yourself, you need it.
 

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I am so sorry.

Nothing you did caused this.

If the Drs said everything is fine did they do any tests? It is so hard not to have concrete answers and solutions.
 

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So sorry for your loss.

I have had 2 miscarriages, so I know where you are coming from. For me, it was a blighted ovum both times. I was just getting excited and then it was over. I wasn't sure I would ever be able to have another child (I have one older child now).

You might be surprised at how many other people share your experience but haven't shared it with others. I didn't have time to tell more than a few good friends when I was pregnant both of those times.

Take care of yourself now. Your DD proves you can carry a baby to term, so right now give yourself all the loving you need. Give yourself time to heal-it is a true loss.
 

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First, I am so sorry for your losses. Nobody deserves to go through this once much less twice or more.

So many of the feelings you described strike a cord with me. the fear of going through it all again is paralysing; but, the thought of not having more children equally as overwhelming. I don't have answers I'm afraid, but I do have support to give.

Take care,
Hilary
 

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Dear Jellyfishy,
I'm sorry you're going thru this.

Of my 7 pregnancies, numbers 3, 5 and 6 were miscarriages. I never had any testing or d&cs. I'm a dedicated homebirther and couldn't bear the thought of anyone messing in my baby's space.

You're right, letting your uterus run it's course drags the whole thing out. Mine lasted a week to 10 days with the heaviest cramping and clots passing on the last day. It is much more like a birth than a heavy period, in my mind.
But think of it this way -- your body is healing itself - it knows what to do. By feeling all those sensations, you are going along with what nature intended. The discomfort is part of the healing process. It's amazing. Think of women throughout time who have gone thru the same universal sadness.

And then you can go on, knowing that you have at least experienced it fully.
 

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hugs to you and dh. I, too, fear multiple losses and am not sure if I can do it again. It has been just six weeks for me, though.
Mine was ectopic and my tube burst (it had to be removed) and I think that the physical pain helped me to get through the emotional pain.
Once again I am so sorry.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thanks, all of you, for your kind responses. If I count from when I first started spotting, before I even knew I was pregnant, I have now been bleeding for five weeks. I started bleeding really heavily and passed a lot of clots last Tuesday, and it's still heavy enough that I'm not comfortable leaving the house for too long. I'm glad now that my body is doing it all by itself, but it's hard to continue feeling so badly, physically, for such a long time.

I'm still struggling with the emotions, or rather, with other people's reactions. MIL refused to put up a Christmas tree, declaring that her Christmas was ruined. My mother keeps asking, "Isn't it over yet?", as if I'm purposefully dragging it out. The few friends who know about it (mostly on-line) are choosing to ignore it, and haven't even bothered to ask how I'm doing. It's not that I want to obsess over it; I'd just like some recognition that something very sad has happened and it will take more than a few days to move beyond it. People seem to think that because it's my second miscarriage, it should somehow be easier for me.

I'm ranting again - sorry!
 

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Like some others in this thread, I too had an ectopic. It was last October and I had to have my right tube removed. But I bled for 5 weeks before the dr. figured out it was ectopic.

What people don't get is that regardless of how long you were pregnant, you were pregnant. You had a life growing inside of you and now it's not there. And people say crap like "It was meant to be, at least you know you can get pregnant, it's normal to miscarry at least once." Give me a break. You weren't doing an experiment to see if you could get pregnant...and what's normal(??) and meant to be? Losing a baby? Then I don't want to be normal!!

Losing a child is horrible at anytime. I felt like I was a failure as a woman. That my body couldn't even do what it was made to do. And trying again is hard. Because it's not the norm that you will get pregnant right away. It took me a very long painful year. And even when I got pregnant, I was very hesitant. I assumed the worst. Even after I heard the heartbeat.

Anyways, rant away. That's what is so great about this place. There are always people that understand and are willing to listen. And be angry for as long as you need to, you are allowed to feel all of your emotions, whether people understand/agree with them or not.
 

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So sorry about your loss!
 
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