Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 29 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,755 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My dd's friends birthday is coming up. (She didn't know her super well....they played together about a half a dozen times I think). She passed away recently. Her mom is throwing a party in her memory (the little girl had already told her mom what she wanted for her bday). I just don't feel it is my place to attend the party....since we didn't know each other super well. SHe has requested people release a balloon on that day if they can't attend.<br><br>
Should I do a balloon release?<br><br>
Nothing?<br><br>
Send a card?<br><br>
Send flowers?<br><br>
Other ideas?<br><br>
Like I said...we didn't know each other super well, but I look at her daughter page online etc and it makes me sad that about two weeks or so after her death people stopping writing and commenting. I want her to know that as a mom I DO remember her daughter and the LOVE she has for her.....<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br>
Thanks<br><br>
ETA<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/oops.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="oops">kay folks...I bought the daisies. Because of the theme of the party and because they kind of remind me of her daughter. Bright and happy.<br><br>
I am not a florist by any means...I did my best....here they are:<br><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/[email protected]/" target="_blank">http://www.flickr.com/photos/[email protected]/</a>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,805 Posts
I know the mum asked you to release a balloon but please don't do it. Once the balloon pops it becomes a choking hazard to wildlife. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
How about these ideas instead?<br>
-Light a candle and have a moment of peaceful thoughts<br>
-Release flower blooms in a body of water<br>
-Plant a flower/tree/shrub in the child's memory<br>
-Donate to a worthy charity<br><br>
As for what to do for the mum, a simple card would be nice.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,039 Posts
I wouldn't do a balloon release because the danger to wild life but I would plant flowers and might suggest that to the mom.<br><br>
Beauty begetting beauty.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,337 Posts
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of the child.<br><br>
I would not do the balloon release (I know these are popular as a tribute to a deceased child--this is the third time I've heard of one) because they kill turtles and other wildlife (and even if they never get eaten by an animal and they are still just trash once the helium has gone and I'd never condone littering).<br><br>
I love the idea of planting a tree in her memory. Or maybe even a little garden. Perhaps as a community you could all contribute to a local park by giving the plants and the time necessary to plant them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,755 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Okay....what about this? Her daughter wanted a rainbow birthday party.<br><br>
I don't have a lot to spend...so what about a bunch of these daisies?<br><br><a href="http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/130188/2/istockphoto_130188-multicolored-daisies.jpg" target="_blank">http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thum...ed-daisies.jpg</a>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,270 Posts
I would send the mum a sapling or a baby shrub to plant in her daughter's memory.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,805 Posts
Those daisies would be lovely.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I don't know about sending the mum a tree or a shrub, it could be that she lives in an apartment or a small home that doesn't allow for anything to be planted, and then it would become an obligation at that point.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,192 Posts
When is the birthday? If you have 3-4 weeks, what about raising painted lady butterflies? Every year before our son's birthday, we order some caterpillars, raise them to butterflies, and then on his birthday we release them at his gravesite.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,755 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
AllyRae--sounds like a nice idea...but unfortunately the birthday is this week. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br><br>
I am thinking of going with the flowers.....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,206 Posts
When my little brother died we did a balloon release at the funeral. I wasn't thrilled about it at the time, because it was like 300 people and everyone had a balloon. I was too grief stricken to object. This was 10+ years ago.<br><br>
On his birthday 6-7 I usually make a kite with my kids and write something on it and give it to the sky for a little while.<br><br>
I also have a special candle I lite for my brother and another we lite for my FIL.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,403 Posts
If you were invited to the party and you can make it work with your schedule, you should go. Memorials are traditionally more public events than, say, birthday parties or even weddings. The mother presumably invited everyone she thought would be a comfort to her, and has made it clear from your description that it is comforting to her to have as many people as possible memorializing her daughter; so it is absolutely your place to go if you were invited, even though you don't know the family very well.<br><br>
ETA: I have no way of knowing if this is the case for you or not, but it's very common to get that "uncomfortable" or "out of place" feeling around any kind of funeral or memorial, even of a very close relative or friend. It is similar to the feeling you get when you are about to do something improper, but it is slightly different-- it is actually a normal part of grieving, whether you know the person well or not. Once you have a lot of experience with funerals and memorials, you learn to tell those two kinds of discomfort apart, so you know that in fact you feel reluctant and uncomfortable about attending a memorial because of grief rather than because of etiquette. So you learn to push yourself to do it anyway. It feels very strange the first two or three times because etiquette demands "feeling" rude, but it gets easier-- not less sad, of course, but it gets easier to determine what the right thing to do is.<br><br>
Again, for all I know you have tons of experience dealing with death and have other reasons for feeling the way you do; or you really just don't want to attend and figure you can stay home without committing a great rudeness (which is probably true, since you aren't super-close); but just from your description, it sounds as though the best thing you can do, etiquette-wise and comfort-wise, is to go ahead and attend the memorial.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
12,214 Posts
You can name a star after her and give the mom a card stating what you did. There is a site for it but I'll have to find it.<br><br>
There are companies that will plant a tree in honor of someone.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,403 Posts
I realized my last post made it sound as though people are just dropping like flies all around me. Although that was true for a few years (which really sucked!), also I used to be a singer so I have had a lot of professional funeral/ memorial experience. It's pretty universal to overhear people say, "I was so touched that Former Neighbor Bob came to Aunt Lucy's funeral. I haven't known him all that well, but I guess at times like this you really find out who your real friends are. Why, Current Neighbor John didn't even come and I thought we were friends." Whereas I have never, ever, over the course of dozens of funerals and memorials, heard anyone at all say "I just can't believe that Former Neighbor Bob came to the funeral after we haven't been in touch. How presumptuous!" It's never happened. Not saying it couldn't, but I've never seen or heard anything like that.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
214 Posts
I like the idea of sending a tree or potted plant to the girl's mother.<br><br>
Since you're saddened by the lack of comments on her internet page, perhaps you could post something small there too--now, instead of on her birthday, when everyone will remember her anyway. If you're really feeling for her mother, and are inclined, I'd try to comment a month or so after her birthday too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
868 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lolar2</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15423613"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Whereas I have never, ever, over the course of dozens of funerals and memorials, heard anyone at all say "I just can't believe that Former Neighbor Bob came to the funeral after we haven't been in touch. How presumptuous!" It's never happened. Not saying it couldn't, but I've never seen or heard anything like that.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I have <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
It was my grandmother's funeral, and my aunt(my grandmother's youngest son's wife, who my grandmother hated) showed up. I remember vividly how family was criticizing her for showing her face there, while my aunt was up at the coffin. It was terrible. But then again, my aunt would have been criticized for NOT showing up as well. What can you expect when you have a crazy family though, right? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
But it's different when you actively HATE someone vs. not knowing them too well. One of my friends lost a baby a few years ago, and I babysat another friend's young daughter during the funeral. The bereaved mom later told my friend how she would have liked to see the young girl there, because it would have made her happy to be around more people, especially someone who could so easily remind her of her own(deceased) daughter.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,755 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
Okay folks...I bought the daisies. Because of the theme of the party and because they kind of remind me of her daughter. Bright and happy.<br><br>
I am not a florist by any means...I did my best....here they are:<br><a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/[email protected]/" target="_blank">http://www.flickr.com/photos/[email protected]/</a>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,403 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Amatullah0</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15423818"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I have <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
It was my grandmother's funeral, and my aunt(my grandmother's youngest son's wife, who my grandmother hated) showed up. I remember vividly how family was criticizing her for showing her face there, while my aunt was up at the coffin. It was terrible. But then again, my aunt would have been criticized for NOT showing up as well. What can you expect when you have a crazy family though, right? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br><b>But it's different when you actively HATE someone vs. not knowing them too well.</b> One of my friends lost a baby a few years ago, and I babysat another friend's young daughter during the funeral. The bereaved mom later told my friend how she would have liked to see the young girl there, because it would have made her happy to be around more people, especially someone who could so easily remind her of her own(deceased) daughter.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
This. You're right, I have once or twice heard the "how dare she" about someone the person speaking actively hated. I've never heard such a thing about someone the person simply didn't know too well.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,755 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
Okay....the views have went up on this thread since I posted the picture of the rainbow flowers and no comments. I am getting nervous that it means they are not good.....<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
Please tell me I shouldn't bring them OR reassure me that they are okay.....<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,817 Posts
The flowers are wonderful - just as you said - bright and happy. So sweet of you to help this mama remember her daughter. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,448 Posts
Awww the daisies are beautiful! As a mom of a lost little one any acknowledgement from anyone no matter how close is extremely meaningful. People are so uncomfortable about the death of a child they want to sweep it under the rug, ignore it, and it hurts so badly to have your child forgotten simply to avoid sadness.
 
1 - 20 of 29 Posts
Top