[mariamaroo]

I need a strategy - quick! - to stop the bedtime battles with my 35 mo dd. Our lovely bedtime ritual, that's worked so beautifully for almost 3 years, seems to have devolved into a battle of wills that puts me in an enraged state, roaring at my sweet little girl, and either scares her or gives a kind of manic rowdiness. This is a new pattern, but we need to nip it in the bud right away!

What we've been doing nearly her whole life, with minor variations as needed, is a bath followed by pjs, books, warmed up milk, nursing, and sleep.

Over the past week or so a pattern has started to emerge where she's revving up when I turn out the light, wiggling, giggling, roughhousing, somersaults in the bed. She disconnects from me, talks in nonsense language (she has very good verbal skills, but has taken to using nonsense words when she doesn't want to deal with what's going on), does NOT respond at all when I try to talk her down.

So I get triggered, yell, leave the room, basically lose my temper and with it the ability to be logical, rational, or an adult. After we've both blown off our steam and she's worn out, we calm down and she nurses to sleep.

This is clearly turning into a downward spiral. She's probably anticipating me turning into a raving maniac and that's ramping her up, and so am I. What may have started as a normal developmental change or disruption to her sleep patterns is turning into a self-fulfilling prophecy, and is wrecking our nice evenings and cuddles.

I've tried: singing, talking, holding her, letting her roughhouse while I lie there quietly (admittedly I've had a real hard time maintaining this one), saying "You need to stay in bed, but I can see you're not ready for sleep. I'm going to go get some things done and I'll check on you in a while and if you're ready to go to sleep I'll help you".

I've been giving her Rescue Remedy an hour or so before bedtime, which seemed to help at first but doesn't anymore. One night she said she wanted me to leave, she wanted to go to sleep by herself, but as soon as I was halfway down the stairs she was creeping out of her room with mischief on her face.

I can't imagine that she's not tired - she didn't go to sleep until 11pm last night, was up by 7:30, had no nap, and still we went through this rigamarole tonight until 9pm. Her 'normal' schedule is an hour and a half nap from 1:30 to 3, bedtime between 9 & 10, and then she'll wake up between 6 and 7 (or earlier -*it doesn't seem to me that that's enough sleep for an almost-3 yo, but it's the most she seems to do).

Here's my idea so far - I'm hoping you smart mamas will be able to either help me refine it or tell me it's crap and give me some better alternatives. I thought I could talk to her about our bedtime problems early in the day tomorrow, tell her that I want bedtime to be peaceful and to feel good, that she needs to go to sleep at bedtime, and I want to help her. I thought maybe I could bribe/motivate her by saying if she goes to sleep without struggles for a week we can go get ice cream or something. I could make a chart and we could put stickers on it in the morning if the previous night was good.

What do you guys think? Is there a better way to address this? What am I missing? Going to sleep has always been rough for me, and I so want to give her the habit of feeling good about it, but I know I'm doing the opposite by losing my composure. I'm on a hair trigger because I'm so sleep deprived (if she only sleeps 7 or 8 hours/night I end up getting 5 because I have to work after she's down). I am feeling awful about myself as a mother because I can't seem to handle this.

 

[GearGirl]

Well my dd is pretty close in age, a few months older. We had to discontinue the nap. It was very strange for me because my ds napped until four years old, so it was hard to imagine a then not yet three year old not napping. My dh insisited, because it was too much for us to have her up until 11 every night. She is pretty tired by dinner, but still OK most night, and she goes to bed at 7:30 and falls asleep in about 10 minutes, sleeps till about 7:15. At first the nap still happened about once a week, but now I think she has given it up. It was really hard to make her nap though, so if yours is going for a nap easily I don't suggest giving it up. Good luck.

 

[mariamaroo]

Thanks for the good wishes. Upon further reflection this afternoon, I'm wondering whether I ought to be the one with the chart and the behavior modification instead of dd.

She may be losing her nap, but I find it a little hard to believe, as she has been going down for it pretty easily most days. She didn't have one today or yesterday, though, so what do I know?

I went to bed earlier than usual myself last night, and we both slept later than usual, so while still tired I'm feeling less desparate and less at the end of my rope today.

 

[traceface]

This all sounds familiar to me with my son (down to the nonsense word stuff). I think it started around the same age. If I were you, I'd definitely try to drop the nap and then try for an earlier bedtime - sometimes I've noticed there's seems to be this earlier window (like be lying down at 7:15 and asleep by 7:30-8 at the latest.) I know it sounds unlikely, if you're used to your daughter going to sleep at 9:30-10, but you'd be surprised at how children's tiredness hits these peaks and if you miss one, it's even harder to get them to drop off to sleep.

Sorry for the huge run-on sentence, I'm trying to keep track of something baking as I write this!

Oh and there's a book called The Seven O' Clock Bedtime that is pretty enlightening about this very thing

 

[loraxc]

I think she might be overtired. My DD gets like that sometimes when nap is late or bedtime has been delayed, and she revs herself up so much that it takes forever to go to sleep. Looking at her schedule, her total sleep time seems a bit short. I'd try for an earlier bedtime (another benefit is that even if she drags it out, she'll probably still be in bed early).

 

[mariamaroo]

I think she's overtired too, which is one reason I'm reluctant to embrace the no nap theory. I did try to get her down extra early last night, and it didn't help as far as the battle, but she was asleep by 9pm instead of 10 or 11. I'll try to do the early early bedtime and see if that helps. It will be a huge adjustment for our schedule though!

Any other thoughts are so welcome! It really helps to converse about this. As a single mama I sometimes feel very isolated with these sorts of questions.

 

[amyjeans]

Here to lurk actually...nothing really to add here. its 1147p and my 22 mo and 3.5 yr old are in their playroom having a grand time. There once was a time when they were asleep by 8pm...so I am here lurking with one eye open, dh asleep on the couch and the girls not showing A N Y sign they are going to bed (3rd night in a row)...ugghh I feeel your pain mama~

s (looking for tips myself)

 

[mariamaroo]

Well so much for the 'get her down early' plan tonight. I had good intentions of lights out at 8 (though I was a little worried about creating yet another struggle with that, as it's not yet dark by then at this time of year), with an eye to scaling back to 7 or 7:30 over a period of time. But&#8230; life intervened and I got sideswiped and we didn't even eat supper until after 8. <bad mama!>

She was awake last night from about 4am to 6am, then (thankfully!) we both slept until about 9. That's the second night in a row for that, and it's a pattern that I really have NO interest in establishing.

When I turned the light out at about 9:30 tonight, she was pretty much rarin' to go. I am pleased with myself that beyond one brief surge of anger I kept my temper and did not rage at her. I told her that I was going downstairs and I'd come check on her in a little while, and that she had to stay in bed. She did fine with that.

I checked her in about 10 minutes and she was still pretty rambunctious (though still in bed), so I said I'd be back and help her go to sleep if she was ready in a little while, which I did about another 10 minutes later. At that point she nursed to sleep (it still took a while, but at least she was heading in the right direction at that point.

I don't love doing it that way, because it feels slightly punitive, but she didn't seem upset, just restless, and it was far better than me behaving like a lunatic.

Tomorrow, I intend to do a much better job of managing the day so that we can actually try the earlier bedtime.