Mothering Forum banner

1 - 12 of 12 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
551 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm in the mood to vent a bit, as it has been a loooong day. But I'll try to stay on topic.<br><br>
DD has always slept with us, and the co-sleeping is great for everyone. No complaints. The problem is bedtime. She doesn't put up a fuss about going to bed (thank goodness) but she will only allow me to put her to bed, not DH (whom she loves dearly, so I don't know why).<br><br>
So, by the time bedtime rolls around at 7:30-8ish, I have been going non-stop for 13+ hours and am exhausted. We read stories and then lights out and I lay with her until she falls asleep, anywhere between 20-60 minutes. The thing is, by time I come out of that dark room I am done. I am a zombie....so wasted tired. And then it is the first alone time DH and I have had all day and I can barely function, let alone hold an intelligent conversation. DD is very high-needs and we cannot finish a conversation when she is awake. So even the fabulous "did you call the plumber" stuff has to wait until she is asleep.<br><br>
My question is this: for those of you who co-sleep, does anyone have any experience with the DC falling asleep on their own. having a bedtime ritual and saying "goodnight" and walking away while they (happily!) fall asleep on their own? please say yes, someone, and tell me how to make that transistion. I can't even imagine how to implement it b/c we've always been beside her as she falls asleep.<br><br>
I feel like a big loser as I write this b/c I know the mainstreamers would say "well thats what you get for co-sleeping, blah blah blah" and I feel like the loving AP mamas LOVE to put their kiddos to bed and cherish that time, especially if they are not fighting bedtime. I feel terribly guilty that I'm not cherishing the time. I'm usually just hoping I don't fall asleep, too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,589 Posts
No advice for falling asleep on their own,but I was wondering,how do you get her to bed so early?<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/blush.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="blush"> My kids don't even think of bed before 10:30. By the time my 16 month old konks out,my 3 year old want's a book,then teeth,then it's 11 PM and dh is snoring,fast asleep.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> Don't feel guilty for not "cherishing" each bedtime! Hell,I cherish when they finally DO fall asleep!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> Hang in there! I know how mentally and physically exhausting spirited kids can be!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
214 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I can feel your pain!<br><br>
I think it could be though that you are letting her think that you are the only one who can do this.<br>
I thought that *I* was the only one who could put DD to sleep! Or to do anything else for that matter!<br>
Kinda like "if someone else can do it, then what am I here for?" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
I had HUGE fears of never going on a date with DH because I didn't think anyone else could do what I do. Let alone leave DD with DH for a job or a gilr night.<br><br>
But I was wrong! DD still prefers mama! But if you were to leave the house around bed time....just go for a drive <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"> or sneak out the door a few minutes before bed (then sneak into the tub for a bubble bath!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> ) and let DH do the bedtime thang!<br><br>
More than likely she will go down for him. She probably won't even fight him like she does you!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br>
Just speaking from expierience!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"><br><br>
You can always give it a try! What could it hurt!!<br><br>
And ps~Don;t feel bad! Being a mama is a tuff job!! Mamas need a break too!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
14,311 Posts
Actually for me their bedtime is my naptime. I nurse whoever is nursing, and fall asleep with them in the process, and then DH gets to have some time to do bills or whatever, and wakes me up in an hour or two or three. And then we have grown-up time.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
If you try to think of it as an opportunity to lay down and relax as opposed to "working at putting them to sleep," it changes the atmosphere and the energy. Even if you're doing the exact same thing.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
761 Posts
This is just my experience, please don't slam me-(feeling like I have to preface with this)<br>
I loved having my daughter in bed with us. However, my sister's daughter had about 8 years of not being able to fall asleep on her own and it didn't seem healthy to me.<br>
I wanted to help my daughter learn that it is OK to fall asleep on her own, and I didn't want to create a dependency - her needing my lying next to her in order for her to be able to go to sleep.<br>
So from the beginning, I let her drift off to sleep on her own (after nursing, I would sing, rock etc). Also, once she got older, I could get her all cuddly (after our bedtime routine off bath, teeth, jammies, book) and then I would just kind of quietly start doing things around the room (folding clothes usually or sit and read on the couch right outside of her room) never really saying OK time to go to sleep now, or goodnight. Then she would drift off peacefully. I learned this trick from my mom who had 8 kids...<br>
Lilli still comes into our bed every night about 2 or 3 am!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,277 Posts
I think you're getting some great advice here. When my dd was a toddler, I believed that I had to lay down with her to get her to sleep too. So, I just started by sitting on the bed for a period of a week or two while she fell asleep, then sitting on the floor, then in the middle of the floor, then by the door inside the room, then by the door outside the room etc....I began by telling her "in five more days, mama won't be laying down with you to get to sleep. I'll be sitting on your bed while you fall asleep".<br><br>
Good luck and don't feel bad. Even AP mamas need boundaries and have limits. I truly believe that, even though they are only little once, this needs to be balanced with a healthy marriage. If your marraige isn't healthy, your kids won't be either. Just my 2c.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
551 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you all for your responses. A lot of good ideas/thoughts.<br><br>
HeavenLeighGrace--you're absolutely right and I forgot to mention this. If I leave the house DD is fine with DH. Its only if we're both home that she insists on me doing bedtime. About once a week or so I do sneak out so DH can take over and they do great. I guess I was just having a pity party for myself because her "bedtime" is just such a big part of the evening. I sometimes wish it was stories, tuck-in, "good-night" and lights out and I was able to leave to the room before she was asleep.<br><br>
I think I'll try working on this as an eventual goal. I know there could be worse things.....she could be refusing bedtime. BTDT and that really stinks.<br><br>
Thanks again, ladies. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,201 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I lay with her until she falls asleep, anywhere between 20-60 minutes</td>
</tr></table></div>
Could you possibly be putting her to bed too early. I still lay with my 4-year old to get her to fall asleep, but she is always asleep within 10 minutes..15 max. I can't imagine lying there for an hour. I know you probably don't want her to stay up any later...but maybe moving her bedtime back a 1/2 hour or so would make things less stressful, as she might fall asleep faster. I have found that with both my girls..if they are really tired and ready for bed, they fall asleep rather quickly.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,896 Posts
I so hear ya. It totally sucks. Once I have lain in the dark for an hour in bed I am so done.<br><br>
My first was like this and gradually went to falling asleep while reading and then we gradually reduced books and moved up her bedtime to 8:00.<br><br>
#2 was absolutely horrible for bed time. She hated sleeping and even as a new born rarely slept. It was so bad we decided not to have any more kids. It would take her 4-5 hours to fall asleep. and no she wouldn't be tired if we waited later. if we started at 7 or started at midnight it would still take about 3-5 hours to get her to sleep. It was awful. So when I found out I was pregnant (about a week after the agonizing descision to not have any more <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">) I decided this had to end. we got the <span style="text-decoration:underline;">no cry sleep solution</span> and employed every technique, every old wives tale, every lavender scented product etc and went to work. things got better quickly (she responded very well to routien) and within a month or two was not only sleeping better and taking naps for the first time ever, but i could tuck her in and tell her good night and shut the door.<br><br>
i can't say it was entirely tear free for either. But a little whining and resisting at bed time does not equal CIO. Also while I don't expect them to nessecarily go to sleep I do expect them to stay in bed. they can play with toys, sing, roll around but they must stay in bed with the lights off and keep the racket to a minimum. This seems to be a nice compromise for all of us.<br><br>
#3 we started working on avoiding that sort of sleep dependence form the beginning and tried to refrain from nursing her to sleep and would put her down awake, happy and ready for a nap. we had all kinds of routiens and cues (from NCSS) and she was super easy. still is. I lay her down kiss her good night and unless her sister is antsy she is asleep right away.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
761 Posts
sorry...what is NCSS please?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,896 Posts
No cry sleep solution by elizabeth pantly. sorry thought I had underlined that in the first part of my post. didn't.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
551 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>ameliabedelia</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Could you possibly be putting her to bed too early. I still lay with my 4-year old to get her to fall asleep, but she is always asleep within 10 minutes..15 max. I can't imagine lying there for an hour. I know you probably don't want her to stay up any later...but maybe moving her bedtime back a 1/2 hour or so would make things less stressful, as she might fall asleep faster. I have found that with both my girls..if they are really tired and ready for bed, they fall asleep rather quickly.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<br>
We've considered this, and in fact would prefer she moves her whole sleep schedule back because she gets up so early. Everytime we put her down later, however, it still takes 1/2 hour or so for her to fall asleep and then she is up at the same time in the morning. She must have an internal alarm clock--it doesn't matter what time she goes down, she gets up at the same time. So then I just have a tired child for the next day.<br><br><br>
I appreciate all the feedback. We are really hoping to work on her falling asleep without us.
 
1 - 12 of 12 Posts
Top