Being Aggressive vs Standing Up For Yourself? HELP

In my opinion, your son is behaving appropriately (using his words, asking politely) and the other children are not. I don't think you need to teach him to be more aggressive because this is not necessarily a skill he will need later in life.

The neighborhood children tend to take things from DD's hands without asking, mostly because she is younger. If the parent is not present or is present but does not intervene, I ask them (at another time, not that exact moment) how they would like for me to deal with their child's behavior. If they give me permission to deal with their child, then I treat their child exactly as I would if they were my child, helping the child to offer to trade DD for another toy, asking for a turn, waiting patiently, etc.

If they aren't interested in either me assisting their child or intervening themselves, that child doesn't play with our DD anymore. Not in a punitive manner, but just because DD hasn't learned aggression yet and I don't want her to learn to be aggressive in response to being treated aggressively. We have two neighborhood girls that don't come over any more and two that do.

Because of other children's behavior, I'm pretty picky about our playdates. I wouldn't expose DD to children who are rude or aggressive towards her and there is nothing happening to guide that child. I'm not saying that children have to behave perfectly; their behavior is pretty normal, but I want intervention to occur both so DD can learn and so that she is not constantly victimized.

We used to have a similar problem w/dd's cousin. She wanted to play with him, but he would snatch things from her, and then she would scream. Then he would get spanked. After this happened a few times, I started hovering as much as possible, and we also did lots of role playing with dolls and toys. We'd be playing with two puppets or something and I'd act out one puppet grabbing something from the other one, and then I'd have the other one say firmly, "I'm not done playing with that, it's still my turn. Please give it back!" or something to that effect.

I think this helped a little, but it also helped to really supervise their play and when he went to snatch things I'd throw myself between them and try to empathize with his want while still preventing the snatch. This was nearly impossible with his parents around, because I think he was doing it more for a negative attention/climax the cycle of violence reason than anything else, so we also avoided them for awhile.

Anyway, you might try some firm role playing, and lots of supervision. I wouldn't be offended if my kid were playing with yours, and you gently told him that it wasn't his turn yet. I'd appreciate it, in fact, as it's hard to keep track of them both.

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Pat

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Oh now, that's not nice. So she picked a poor word... :

I remember hearing Jeff Foxworthy doing his here's your sign bit... no wait, maybe it was the other guy???

Anyhoo, his son hits another boy in the yard, he goes over swats his kid and says "we don't hit!" ........ Here's your sign. :

Anyway, I do that too. Well, I used too. I would hover, and then reclaim. "H/W is not finished playig with this, please wait."

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So, it is "reclaiming" when the adult grabs? How does that model consistency, manners and conflict resolution skills?

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I don't get your point here either. It is only "hitting" when the child hits? I see your perspective. Sorry, that double-speak won't fly in the GD forum. Hitting a child is hitting a child. Grabbing from a child is grabbing from a child. Disrespecting a child is still disrespecting a child. Some people may euphemize it as "spanking"; we don't.

When we model using force to *get our way*, that IS what the child is learning from his parent. And it models that the larger person can get his way: "Might makes right". He also learns that the parent is "inconsistent": 'do what I say, not what I do. : Instead, I would model patiently ASKing for the toy, offering a trade, bringing more to share, demonstrating generosity, restraint and Self-control.

"Wow! Big child, you really want to play with that toy! Did you want a turn?" Pause waiting for Big child to feel validation of his underlying need and understand that you are not going to GRAB the toy away. Demonstrating an alternative tool (communication) of getting his need met without making yourself or the child an adversary.

"Ds was playing with the toy." "Ds were you done playing with that toy? You want to play with it some more?"

To Big child: "Do you want a turn also?" Pause waiting for Big child to respond that indeed he would like a turn.

"Ds, I understand, you were playing with the toy and you feel sad now?" Pause to validate that the child's experience and feelings are important and valid. Big child has opportunity to see the *impact* of his actions. "You didn't like having the toy taken from your hands?" Again expresses the action and the impact so that a cause/effect is self-evident.

"How can we work this out? You both want to play with this toy. Do you want to take turns, would someone like this (alternative) toy while the other takes a turn, how do you all think we can work this out so that you both get what you want?" Then LISTEN. Big child is probably stunned that *he* is being treated with respect. Ds will understand that the parent is advocating for him. And Big child doesn't feel threatened by a Bigger Person grabbing from *him*.

No, this won't solve every toy sharing squabble. But, it is consistent with what I want my actions to model: a non-violent means of asking for what I want, not taking things from people's hands because I am bigger or "right". My goal isn't to punish the "grabber", it is for both children to observe a peaceful way to work together with me as their advocate.

Other alternatives are to consider the HALT theory related to impulse control challenges. Is the Big child needing some decreased stimuli, perhaps redirecting both children to an outdoor activity or something sensory like playing with playdoh. I always have some bubbles in the trunk of my car for redirecting overwhelmed child/ren to a fun parallel play activity. If the toy isn't returned, I would redirect my child to another toy, activity or comfort that sometimes this does happen. It ususally helps to move away from the play area, if it isn't comfortable for the upset child. No we can not *make* the Big child share. That only works when the child *wants* to share. Helping the Big child to see that sharing isn't threatening decreases his need to control the toys. I would also discuss the situation with the child's mother so that she can be aware that the Big child is overwhelmed. I might suggest that our son has more difficulty sharing when he is tired, hungry or overstimulated and needs some space. Perhaps, helping my child to find the toys that he does want to play with by modelling asking and waiting for a turn and then going with him to play in an area with less boisterous activity.

Children do what they know. If a parent models grabbing that is how the child learns to get his way. Actions speak louder than words. So, my opinion is to *use your words* and ask for the toy to be returned and support your child to get his needs met in a manner that is agreeable to him.

HTH, Pat

Oh, please. All kids grab, and they don't need to see it modeled to do it.

I only grab in two situations:
1. Physical danger
2. To protect the rights of someone else who has been grabbed from.

I wasn't clear enough in my original post, but I ask for the toy first if the child is old enough, or if its a first or second time offense. If another child (including my own) is repeatedly grabbing from another child, then I move more quickly to intervene.

Look, if another adult takes my purse and won't give it back, I can go to the police and the police will make that person give it back. Same thing.

My approach is always gentle first, and yes when I RECLAIM I gently and kindly explain to the child what I'm doing and why. We then discuss using our words, and I usually encourage a re-do in which the taker can ask. I am there, on my hands and knees, helping the kids learn how to navigate the situation with words and respect. I spend a LOT of time doing this. I have an only child, but she is a social gal and has many friends. At a party, get together, or park I am the mom playing with the kids, listening to their needs, and coaching them through tough moments while the other moms talk.

I believe, nonetheless, in righting the wrong when an item is ripped from a child's hand. It is NOT respect, as an older and wiser parent, to not protect a child from those who are stronger or bolder. Since I am usually right there, I can respond gently and quickly to help the kids try and do it the right way.

Given that my daughter and any kids who spend time with me know that I only grab in the above two situations, I do not worry about conflicting messages. Kids are very bright, and my actions and words match.

When adults do not intervene and protect, children learn either to fight back or put up with victimization.

Two of our toddler friends had a long standing problem with the bigger child grabbing from the smaller one. The two were best friends, but the bigger child was a grabber. The moms used all the right words, but didn't physically intervene. Eventually the smaller child learned that if she bit, she could protect her toy. So she started biting more often, and biting more people.

There's no way to know if she'd still have gone through the biting thing if the toy situation had been resolved, but its clear that she felt repeatedly violated and finally took matters into her own hands.

If it doesn't bother your son and he is not being physically hurt, I would generally let it go. In our playgroup, we tend to let a lot of issues work themselves out. If the kids don't think it's an issue, we don't make it one. Toddlers are not "fair" and I don't think we parents will exhaust and frustrate ourselves if we try to insist that they should be.

But, as you said, your son sometimes cries or uses his words to explain that he's sad. In those cases I think I would have a rather loud conversation with him about his frustrations and ask him if he wants to find another toy or if we should ask (child's name) for the toy back. Then I would model talking to the child respectfully about what a neat toy it is and how he really wants to play with it, but (my child) was playing with it first and he's sad that you took it etc.

As far as food...I think I would go to the parent and say...I see that (their child) is taking (my child's) snack. I just wanted to make sure that he doesn't have any food allergies. (Hoping that *maybe* the parent would step in and redirect her child.)

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Thanks to everyone for the thoughtful replies!!! Reading through everything helped me ponder the situations more and come up with various game plans to have in my back pocket.

He USED to not care so much when it happened. But lately it becomes a BIG drama and often ends in tears. He walks around all distraught saying "It's my turn, please please, my turn" in tears.

This happens outdoors and indoors. Usually when we're at someone else's house and there are "new" toys that the kids all find cool. Funny enough he doesn't mind too much when kids go through his stuff if we host.

The other kids are NOT necessarily bigger One is older, but FAR less verbal (part of the problem me thinks) and about the same size. The others are the same age or younger/ smaller. Just WAY more aggressive and all are less verbal. I think that may be the issue too.

I thought about it and I guess the part that bothers me/ worries me is that I have the feeling that the parents of the other kids just think Zach is "a drama king". The other kids fight for what they want and he uses words and often ends up in tears. They seem to just chalk it up to MY DS's personality than a problem with the situation.
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I think you may have hit the nail on the head. My twins are older than your ds, but no where near as verbal (they say 10 - 15 words each, no sentences, and only I can understand about 90% of the "words" they *do* say).

Anyway, what has worked here has just been lots of empathising how you *really* want that but N. is playing with it now. Also trying to distract with something else (but beware that backfires when they all want toy #2)

Sorry baby woke up I'll try to post more later. Good luck and it's totally normal.