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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
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I have never posted about any of this so here it goes. I am divorcing dh and moving back home to be around family. He is a sex addict/porn addict and has done things during our marriage that are completely unacceptable/deviant. He is living a total doulble life. I found out about all of this 3 years ago and he cried, entered a 12 step group (I joined an anon group too) for sex addiciton and I gave him full forgiveness. Things seem to be all well for awhile but then the signs were there again. I am survivor of sexual abuse and can not keep victimizing myself (and children) by staying in this marriage, it was destroying me.<br><br>
Anyways, I am a faithful Catholic. I truly believe that I entered the marriage under false pretenses and have been told I can get an anulment. But I am completely blown away by many of the responses, like I am sinning far worse than he. Some Catholics who were friends have treated me so terribly it has made me cry. This is not what I ever wanted but I believe it is the only choice I have.<br><br>
What should I say to these people?
 

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What should you say to those people?? Some choice words come to mind that I would certainly get in trouble for here!<br><br>
I'm so sorry for everything you have gone and are going through. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I was at the receiving end of religious scorn/shunning/gossip when I got pregnant out of wedlock (gasp!). It was really hard at first, but then I had to make a decision to just let go of it. The people that know me and love me knew the whole story, and supported me, and the rest I had to just let fall by the wayside.<br><br>
You have to make the decision that is best for you, and from what you have described I would say that divorce is certainly the best option. I would tell them that you gave him three years to change and make it right, and he has done neither.<br><br>
I hope things look up for you soon! Lots of hugs. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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The only advice I can give is people who judge you for something like that are not 1 - your friends and 2 - good christians/catholics/people. Don't let yourself be hurt what such small minded people think <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Synthea™</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9908183"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">The only advice I can give is people who judge you for something like that are not 1 - your friends and 2 - good christians/catholics/people. Don't let yourself be hurt what such small minded people think <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"></div>
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Absolutely!<br><br>
I'm so sorry for what you're going through and wish you strength.
 

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I have to agree with Synthea. This is an opportunity for you to see the truth about people in your life. If they don't support you, they're not your friends. You don't owe an explanation to anyone and you don't have to defend yourself or your decisions to these people.<br><br>
That being said, I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine the pain of going through a divorce and then having to deal with more pain from people you thought were friends.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>atobols</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9908278"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I have to agree with Synthea. This is an opportunity for you to see the truth about people in your life. If they don't support you, they're not your friends. You don't owe an explanation to anyone and you don't have to defend yourself or your decisions to these people.<br><br>
That being said, I'm so sorry. I cannot imagine the pain of going through a divorce and then having to deal with more pain from people you thought were friends.</div>
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Totally agreed.<br><br>
My husband's family is Catholic and his father left his mother and they divorced. There was an initial period where people were wierd - in some cases they were judgmental, and in others they just didn't know what to say. Some people proved to be true friends and some didn't. I am sorry you are going through this.
 

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I am so impressed you made a strong choice for you and your children in a difficult situation. I'd remind people if they were blatant about the "don't judge lest you be judged yourself" thing - but in a passive-agressive way I might talk in front of people who are not supportive about how you are so pleased that you are getting such support in the community since you are not the one who sinned and the Catholic annulment is part of a healing process that you, as someone lulled into this marriage without honesty/false pretenses, need and appreciate as part of your Church and your loving/forgiving God. You know, make them feel like poop for treating you like poop without ever having to say it.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>KailuaMamatoMaya</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9908854"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I am so impressed you made a strong choice for you and your children in a difficult situation. I'd remind people if they were blatant about the "don't judge lest you be judged yourself" thing - but in a passive-agressive way I might talk in front of people who are not supportive about how you are so pleased that you are getting such support in the community since you are not the one who sinned and the <b>Catholic annulment is part of a healing process</b> that you, as someone lulled into this marriage without honesty/false pretenses, need and appreciate as part of your Church and your <b>loving/forgiving God</b>. You know, make them feel like poop for treating you like poop without ever having to say it.</div>
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You entered you marriage on good faith and made your vows with sincerity. You did not break the marriage vow, <b>he</b> did.<br><br>
It always saddens me when people are quicker to judge than to feel grief or compassion. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>doulamomvicki</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9908105"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
Anyways, I am a faithful Catholic. I truly believe that I entered the marriage under false pretenses and have been told I can get an anulment. But I am completely blown away by many of the responses, like I am sinning far worse than he. Some Catholics who were friends have treated me so terribly it has made me cry. This is not what I ever wanted but I believe it is the only choice I have.<br><br>
What should I say to these people?</div>
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If the Church thinks you are eligible to have the marriage anulled, who do these jokers think they are? It's not like the Catholic Church is known for easily dissolving marriages, you know! I went and looked up the process. You had to have a Tribunal in your Diocese convene and discuss your case, compare it to canon law, and decide whether you were a candidate for anulment. I went and looked up who serves on a typical tribunal--I found the website for one in Detroit. The Tribunal had 13 members, including two notaries, two court experts with PhDs, 8 clergymen (one a monsignor) and of the 13, 8 had law degrees.<br><br>
So who the hell do these people think they are? Where are their MDivs. JCDs, and PhDs? Are they also priests? Huh? HELLO--authority of the Church! Isn't that kind of the POINT of this whole Catholicism thing? Do they think that the Church is messing around?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>captain optimism</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9909489"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">If the Church thinks you are eligible to have the marriage anulled, who do these jokers think they are? It's not like the Catholic Church is known for easily dissolving marriages, you know! I went and looked up the process. You had to have a Tribunal in your Diocese convene and discuss your case, compare it to canon law, and decide whether you were a candidate for anulment. I went and looked up who serves on a typical tribunal--I found the website for one in Detroit. The Tribunal had 13 members, including two notaries, two court experts with PhDs, 8 clergymen (one a monsignor) and of the 13, 8 had law degrees.<br><br>
So who the hell do these people think they are? Where are their MDivs. JCDs, and PhDs? Are they also priests? Huh? HELLO--authority of the Church! Isn't that kind of the POINT of this whole Catholicism thing? Do they think that the Church is messing around?</div>
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Exactly. Tell your "friends" to shove it.
 

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I would look at them when they say such things with big wide concerned eyes and ask them if they disagree with the Church and the Pope on any other major things, and why it is that they question the Pope and God's Church. You are very concern that they have such deep contentions with the Church.<br><br>
That should at least feel good.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Synthea™</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9908183"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">The only advice I can give is people who judge you for something like that are not 1 - your friends and 2 - good christians/catholics/people. Don't let yourself be hurt what such small minded people think <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"></div>
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This deserves another repeating. They're not your friends. Don't justify yourself and mark them off of the Christmas card list.<br><br>
Maybe it would be better for you to change churches while you go through this. It's hard enough without your friends turning on you. Are these people in your home town to which you are moving? Are they family?<br><br>
My response would be "I prefer not to talk about this with you." Since you've been abused and have been in this kind of relationship, I'd say that you could use some lessons in assertiveness and setting boundaries. Become one of those people that don't recieve comments like these.<br><br>
I'm angry for you.<br>
Lisa
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Oh mamas, thank you for all your kindness. Sometimes I begin to doubt myself. When I have a clear head I know I am doing the right thing for my family and that God has good things are in store for us. In fact good things are already happening.
 

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"I guess I will have to deal with that with God, when the time comes for me to be judged by HIM." I might even say it kind of snotty, in a "<i>who do you think you are</i> tone. It always amazes me when the people who believe so strongly in a higher power pass judgement on others.
 

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I am a Catholic with an annulment behind me and now in a truly Sacramental marriage.<br><br>
It is hard to come to terms with the loss of a marriage that you thought would be forever! To feel like you have lost the support of your community during this rough time is difficult, too. *hug*<br><br>
I think it's trued of any divorcing person to have friends back off, especially if the friendship was based on being together a families or couples. It isn't right, but it seems to be a strange human response to distance yourself from things you are afraid of.<br><br>
There were several ministries in my Diocese for divorced/seperated/widowed Catholics. It might be helpful to meet others in similar situations... The Annulment process was helpful to me, my divorce painful but was really a catalyst for great changes in my life that strengthened my faith. I still struggle with feelings of awkwardness when someone asks me where my older kids are when they are at their dad's house, and I struggle with being a re-married person who beleives marriage should be a lifelong commitment! These come from myself, though, not my community. I am right with my God, all my decisions were made prayerfully, and I cling to that when I feel like someone might judge me because of the divorce.<br><br>
I wish you strength and good luck.
 

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doulamomvicki, have you thought about seeking out a spiritual director to talk with about all of this? That might be really helpful. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Thing is my priest and other priests and deacons have been very supportive of my choice. Some have even told me I would be sinning by keeping my children in that situation.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Demeter9</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9910207"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I would look at them when they say such things with big wide concerned eyes and ask them if they disagree with the Church and the Pope on any other major things, and why it is that they question the Pope and God's Church. You are very concern that they have such deep contentions with the Church.<br><br>
That should at least feel good.</div>
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I love that response. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Divorce is so hard.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>suzywan</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9909509"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Exactly. Tell your "friends" to shove it.</div>
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Yeah that. "what you should say" to these people I can't write here-- it would violate the UA. You could try asking what makes them a higher authority than whomever in your church thinks that you are eligible for annulment?<br><br>
I bet that by a year from now, you will have a roster of new, supportive friends-- Catholic and non-Catholic both-- and the people making you cry right now will be distant memories.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>doulamomvicki</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9913754"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Thing is my priest and other priests and deacons have been very supportive of my choice. Some have even told me I would be sinning by keeping my children in that situation.</div>
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Please tell me I'm reading this wrong - the PRIESTS are telling you you are sinning? I hope the first sentence is correct and you are missing the word "people" in the second sentence.<br><br>
Anyway, this Catholic has nothing but support for your decision.
 
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