[sadie_sabot]

My dd has a couple of toys that are her "baby" - one is a baby doll and one is a weird stuffed dog who she named "teddy tamo" apparently

. anyway, occassionally she is rough with them. For intance, this evening she was hiting the doll on the head, and once she hit teddy tamo a few times and then bit it. I don't say anything but I'm not entirely cofortable with this. on the one hand, it doesn't hurt anyone, and maybe it's a safe way to vent? on the other hand I guess I'm not comfortable with it because those are her loveys- she carries them around, feeds them, nurses them, etc.

what do you think? should I just keep ignoring it? or should I try to prevent it? Or should I talk to her about it in a non-judgemental way?

 

[Aura_Kitten]

we don't allow violence toward toys, because i know my son is too young to fully understand the difference between pretend and real. so it's no different for him to hit his stuffy friends or hit our pet rat, his real live friends, etc.

hitting, biting, throwing, etc are completely NOT allowed in our home, and never have been.

there has been a good deal of research done in recent years that shows that violent play actually *fosters* more violent behaviour. contrary to what was believed previously, psychologists are finding that "venting" physically, using aggression toward inanimate objects, actually prolongs anger and leads to more, worse, episodes of future violent behaviour.

i would also be concerned that she is treating her loveys like this ~ if these are things she cares deeply about, yet doesn't respect them enough to truly take care of them, how is she going to learn how to respect things, people, or animals that she *doesn't* like, later in life?

i feel it's my job to teach my son that we take care of the things we appreciate, and we respect even the things that aren't ours.

 

[girrllie]

Whenever this happened with DD, I asked her how she thinks the baby feels, etc. "Did that hurt the baby? Oh NO! What an ouchie! Does baby need a hug?" Etc. I think it helps her to learn to process that her actions result in feelings in others. It lessened and then practically disappeared after I started doing this. Now if the baby doll gets dropped or something, she wants a band-aid for it, comforts it, etc. She also gets really upset if some other child hits or hurts her baby dolls.

 

[sadie_sabot]

I get this feeling when she does it that she is looking to see how I will respond. We've been doing some work on limits and I think she is definitely exploring a lot of things, "oh, i can't do that, well, what happens if I do this" kind of stuff.

I have also heard the thing about venting, klothos, thanks for reminding me about it. Although this has only happened a handfu of times, i do want to be mindful if/when it happens again in how I deal with it.

I appreciate both of your feedback. i think I will try your aproach, girllie.

 

[Alexander]

Quote:

Originally Posted by girrllie "Did that hurt the baby? Oh NO! What an ouchie! Does baby need a hug?" Etc.

Brilliant.

I'd be wary of "banning" this type of behavior. Perhaps it is a vent. Better to react to the circumstances. My dd#2 (@3) used to do this and when I reacted, she said "don't worry daddy, it's jsut a toy."

"but still, be nice is nice"

"I know"

nuff said.

a

 

[Marsupialmom]

I think instead of banning it you should guide it. I think kids pretend this way to work out feelings, situations, et. It is like having a pretend friend. She is learning how to behave and react. Work through good and undesirable behaviors. But don’t make this undesirable “focus” for attention.

 

[Embee]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom I think instead of banning it you should guide it. I think kids pretend this way to work out feelings, situations, et. It is like having a pretend friend. She is learning how to behave and react. Work through good and undesirable behaviors. But don't make this undesirable "focus" for attention.

ITA!!

I recently read Playful Parenting. It has given me wondeful and useful insight to this type of play. It has completely changed my persective as I was previously very uncomfortable with this type of play. Sadie, I know your DD has been having biting issues at DC, yes? She may very well be opening the door for you to help her through the issue. Play is a kid's M.O. It's how they learn about the world and also learn about themselves. I think kids have the best sense of the way they need to work through something and by following their lead, we can often time work them through the issue.

I have found, that by trying to eliminate aggressive behaviors entirely, you can send your child the message that aggressive behaviors are totally NOT normal, which can impact their self-esteem. I found also that it fuels the behavior rather than defuses it. Indeed, aggressive behavior towards others is not acceptable, but the emotions that fuel them certainly are. It seems to me your daughter has found a way to work through her problem without hurting anyone. I do not agree that aggressive play builds aggressive people. Aggressive play, accompanied by a caring parent willing to follow a child's lead, can help kids learn boundaires between their strong emotions and their actions (i.e., help them to learn more acceptable ways of dealing with emotions like frustration, anger, etc.).

My son went thought a hitting phase recently--in that he was hitting one of his playmates younger siblings. I was troubled by it, but happened to be reading Dr. Cohen's book at the time. I made time to spend with DS--as much as I could, and play with him. The themes of the hitting did indeed come out in his play and together we worked through the issue. Thankfully, shortlived. To me, it's no different than redirection. When DS was biting we gave him something to bite. When he needed to understand hitting and the boundaries thereof, we gave him outlet, accepted that he was trying to work through it and followed his lead. It seems for us at least, the best, most effective way to go.

I highly recommend the book btw... Playful Parenting.

 

[sadie_sabot]

this is all great food for thought. Dd hasn't hit her dolls recently, although she has been being a bit rough with the cats--which calls for a different set of responses. But I imagine the roughness towards toys will come up again at some point and I will do my best to talk it through with her-- and also ask dp and dcp to do so.

Embee, dd's biting issues are much better right now; she hs made a few attempts but I'm pretty sure she hasn't bitten anyone this week.

and, I'll add playful parenting to my boklist.

thanks y'all

 

[Embee]

Sadie, I'm so glad to hear that things are better with your DD!

The best to you!
Em