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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
this is something i have been thinking about a lot lately. I got pg when DP and i had been together only 5 months. we are still together .. a little over 2.5 yrs now. of course it wasn't easy but we stuck it out and over the last 6-8 mos things have really been great.

i have learned a lot in the past couple of years and i think my perspective on relationships has changed a lot. a great deal of that has to do with experience ... but it is also from reading about all of you and your relationships. i know that reading the threads here have been tremendously helpful to me and gave me some of the tools that helped us get to where we are now.

a lot of people gave me relationship advice (whether i asked for it or not
) and some of it was great some of it was awful. and some of it was either great or terrible depending on how i interpreted it.

i was hoping we could all share some of the best and worse advice we have gotten and what we have learned through our own experiences with our relationships after having kids.
 

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My mantras came from different sources but they all sort of get to the same thing I think:

- behave as if you have the relationship you want (i.e. if you find yourself thinking 'if he would just do the laundry I would clear the table and make a nice dinner' - go ahead and make the nice dinner)

- don't sweat the small stuff

- marriage is not 50-50; it's 100-100 - both people have to be fully committed and not trying to make it even, but trying to make it live and breathe.

To that I would add: Have self-respect.

Worst advice was (sorry to people who believe this; this is just for me) a bunch of books about the good submissive Christian wife. It's the only time my husband has unilaterally thrown books out (which we have laughed about a lot.)
 

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"don't live together before you get the ring" i dunno, I just hated that one. We lived together 4 years and then got married
and we've had so many people be shocked how good our relationship is. I think whether or not living together is a good idea depends on the people involved.
 

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mine is silly- but it helped us so much.

when having a difficult argument/conversation, sit facing each other and hold hands. If a person lets go- conversation ends.

we were going through a really really really rough patch and were filed for a divorce, this wisdom came from a therapist we saw as a last ditch effort. it worked. that was almost 3 years ago.

its *really* hard to get mad, say mean things you dont mean or shut down when you are holding hands.
 

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A wise old couple told dh and me on our wedding day that there are three secrets to a long, happy marriage like theirs:

1. Good talking
2. Good loving
3. Good eating

It's worked for us so far (12 years).
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
thats sort of similar to one of my 'bests' which was talk about a specific issue..don't get so caught up in fighting you lose track of the original disagreement. if you can't stay on topic come back to it later.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by zinemama View Post
A wise old couple told dh and me on our wedding day that there are three secrets to a long, happy marriage like theirs:

1. Good talking
2. Good loving
3. Good eating

It's worked for us so far (12 years).
i love this. my parents would totally agree.
 

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One of the worst things we were ever told was don't go to bed angry....
Sometimes you need to sleep on it, relax and come back and talk about it again when you aren't exausted.

Best--- hug and kiss your spouse every day, and say I love you.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by GuildJenn View Post
My mantras came from different sources but they all sort of get to the same thing I think:

- behave as if you have the relationship you want (i.e. if you find yourself thinking 'if he would just do the laundry I would clear the table and make a nice dinner' - go ahead and make the nice dinner)
- don't sweat the small stuff

- marriage is not 50-50; it's 100-100 - both people have to be fully committed and not trying to make it even, but trying to make it live and breathe.

To that I would add: Have self-respect.

Worst advice was (sorry to people who believe this; this is just for me) a bunch of books about the good submissive Christian wife. It's the only time my husband has unilaterally thrown books out (which we have laughed about a lot.)
My bold, I love this! It relates to something very similar to advice that someone gave me, along the lines of make it happen for yourself, don't wait around for someone else to give you what you wish for.

Another was "sometimes really great things can come from terrible events, use those times as an opportunity to change for the better" This proved very true for DH and I. We went thru two really horrible events and we came thru on the other side strong than before.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ofwait View Post
One of the worst things we were ever told was don't go to bed angry....
Sometimes you need to sleep on it, relax and come back and talk about it again when you aren't exausted.

Best--- hug and kiss your spouse every day, and say I love you.
this was one of my worst too!! i decided to reinterpret it
to me don't go to bed angry does not mean fight it out to the bitter end. to me it means that at the end of the day you love each other and you can just relax and come back later. sometimes things seem much less 'absolute' after a good nights sleep.. and some time away from the subject so to speak
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
don't sweat the small stuff is another good one!

one of my other worsts is to talk about everything as soon as it bothers you. crap if dp and i talked about everything one of us did that bothered the other we would kill each other.

if dp comes home in a crappy mood and i get upset with him for snapping at me we will fight the rest of the night. if he comes home in a crappy mood and i pretend that he is perfectly normal, kiss him, ask about his day and let him watch wrestling we usually end up having a great night.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by 1littlebit View Post
don't sweat the small stuff is another good one!

one of my other worsts is to talk about everything as soon as it bothers you. crap if dp and i talked about everything one of us did that bothered the other we would kill each other.

if dp comes home in a crappy mood and i get upset with him for snapping at me we will fight the rest of the night. if he comes home in a crappy mood and i pretend that he is perfectly normal, kiss him, ask about his day and let him watch wrestling we usually end up having a great night.

I agree. Back in the beginning years, I felt the need to address everything the exact moment it happened. I just couldn't let a half hour pass without jumping all over whatever was bother DH.

Later, I learned to back off and let him have his moments.

At the time I felt like I had to solve everything for him. Now, I know better!
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Caneel View Post
I agree. Back in the beginning years, I felt the need to address everything the exact moment it happened. I just couldn't let a half hour pass without jumping all over whatever was bother DH.

Later, I learned to back off and let him have his moments.

At the time I felt like I had to solve everything for him. Now, I know better!
i was the same way... and learning this has literally changed our whole relationship, not to mention my stress levels
 

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The best advice I ever received was from my brother before we got married:

Don't talk about each other and your problems behind their back.

This has been a very good one for me to remember, as I tend to be a complainer, and I think once you start listing all the complaints of your partner, or disparaging their character, it's hard to think positively of them.

I think the worst was probably given to dh, by a very shallow friend. It was:

She's taller than you! You better do some stretches, man!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuamami View Post
The best advice I ever received was from my brother before we got married:

Don't talk about each other and your problems behind their back.

This has been a very good one for me to remember, as I tend to be a complainer, and I think once you start listing all the complaints of your partner, or disparaging their character, it's hard to think positively of them.

I think the worst was probably given to dh, by a very shallow friend. It was:

She's taller than you! You better do some stretches, man!
OK, so I love this whole post, but the bolded part almost made me pee my pants! I mean really, of all the things to worry about in a relationship.
 

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worst relationship advice came from my Mum (who had a very dysfunctional marriage) that we shouldn't spend too much time together or we'd not last.

the opposite is definitely true for us, the more time we spend together (undivided attention especially) the more in love we feel.

I think the best for us has been to be radically honest with your partner. To share as much information as you know about yourself, your past, present and future.
 

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Best: Bite your tongue. If it is still bothering you tomorrow, then discuss it calmly. If not, it wasn't worth a fight.

Also good: Even if you cant talk every day, talk every day. Even if hes not there, talk to his picture. (this is from my mom whos husband was also gone a lot due to military)

Bad: Hes not abusing you... its not as if he is hitting you. (about a controlling ex husband)
 

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The best advice was from my great grandmother. She always told me that if I wanted to stay home with the kids, then I better have 6 months living expenses in savings, in my name only, in a place that is accessible only to me. She was married for 30 years, in a wonderful marriage. But, she had some hidden gold coins just in case. She always said that you never know what may happen. One day, you may need to get out fast and leave, and that money is your safety net.

And, I gotta say, seeing some of my partner's friends' marriages ... where some of the women are miserable, but can't leave because they have no money or means - man, am I glad she gave me that advice!

The worst advice is the general "follow your heart." I don't quite know what that means. I'm a very logical person. I can't follow my emotions unless they make sense logically. It seems to me that following one's emotion can lead to trouble if it's not backed by some reason.
 

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Some of the best "advice" I've received wasn't ever given to me.
It's because it's come from reading the PAP forum (AverysMomma is a VERY good advice giver, IMO). The best advice given to someone else that I read on here, was to visit Marriage Builders (dot com) and read the articles there. That site has given words to how DP and I feel, and just reading a few articles (so far) has improved our relationship quite a bit.
 

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I think dp and I have gotten a lot of bad advice. We've made it through five years by doing the opposite of what our parents want us to do... :p The most recent bad advice, though, was from mil. She wants me to throw away all of dp's old clothes that he loves. She said it is "the woman's job" to get rid of "the man's stuff," because "women will throw clothes away because they like to shop, but men will never throw anything out." This was after I came home from delivering dd; she had been staying at our house. I couldn't find one of our old sweaters, and she confessed that she had thrown away some of our clothes!

I don't particularly like to shop, and I have no desire to throw out dp's beloved old jeans. But if I did, he would be furious! It might start WWIII... terrible advice!
 
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