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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My x has not called our kids for ten months, he has asked me and my dd not to call, and has made no effort to maintain any sort of telephone contact. He says it is too expensive because it is long distance and he only has a cell phone. My dd (6) has asked me if she can call him, and as painful as it is, I have to say no and try to explain in the softest way possible that we can't call. It is very difficult for her to understand. So she asked him once why she can't call him, and he said, well, you can call me sometimes, maybe. And left it at that...He had remarked to me just before he stopped calling almost a year ago, that she should just call him, to which I replied that it was extremely callous and pathetic of him to suggest that the crux of their relationship be placed entirely on a five year old's shoulders.<br><br>
So tonight dd asks me if she can call him, I tell her we can't, but we can call someone else if she likes...she says, " Dad told me I could call him whenever I wanted and that if you told me I couldn't that I should just do it anyway. " Because she told him that I tell her she can't call him, which is what he has requested for almost a year now. I had to bite my lip so hard. I cannot believe he said that to her, actually I can believe it, what comes out of this man's mouth and head is so far beyond sane and logical it is phenomenal. He has lost his mind with the things he says to her every time he visits. He speaks to me through her constantly, he never communicates with me about anything, there is zero communication there, if there is some discrepancy between what I say and what he says, he just tells her I am wrong, and then she tells me what he said, and I want her to have nothing to do with our non-communication, but of course she does, it is terrible. And I don't know what to do. Worst part is that she said she won't believe me anymore when I tell her she can't call him, because he has now told her she can. And will he call her??? NO. So she is left to feel responsible for their relationship and their communication. So what do I do? Let her call and be put in that position? I can't do that. Tell her she can't call him, but then why not? He is the most inconsistent person on the planet and is impossible to get a hold of. After she told me this tonight I let her call him, and of course he didn't answer the phone, and she said, but then why did he say I could call him if he isn't even going to answer the phone?<br><br>
Yes, she will have to deal with him for the rest of her life, damnit, but how can I make this smoother? It will never be smarter on his side, he is an idiot. I talked to her after and said, this is not your fault, I know it is confusing when I say something and he says something else and you don't know who to believe and no one is lying to you, no one is wrong, it is up to him and I to communicate better, and it is not up to you to figure it out. It is up to us to help you understand and to not be confusedand I'm sorry you have felt confused about this, but thank you for talking to me about it. Then she said that she wants to tell me everything always, and that she felt better. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"> Thankfully. But I didn't feel better, I felt sick. Even if we talk about it, he will never change, he will always pull this stuff and I don't know what to do. Sorry for the rambling, thank you for reading...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> I know someone has been there...
 

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I'm so sorry it's like this. It just plain sucks. My dd's dad just started to call her this past<br>
January after no contact to her in about 2 years. If I was in your position, I would allow<br>
her to call. It could end with a really sad result but I feel it's really important for me to<br>
keep communication and truth between myself and my dd. I don't think that last sentence<br>
made any sense.<br>
Okay example, my dd's dad most likely will never be somebody she can count on. So I<br>
feel like I have to be extra careful that dd knows that at all costs that she can always count<br>
on me, and my word. If your ex told your dd to call, then there isn't a reason to give her<br>
not to call. You will be there to help her threw any problem that could arise from her call<br>
to him. Making excuses to her while he is making you out to be a liar I feel is more confusing<br>
to a child.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you. I know you are right, and inevitably that is what I think will happen, and what I need to do. You are right that the most important thing is that our relationship is honest and open and that she know that I am there for her and that she can come to me if this saddens her or weighs on her. It is just really hard to allow that to happen, because I know she will be hurt. I don't really have an option with this one...you are right, it sucks, but I guess we just have to do the best with what we have. Thank you again. I really appreciate having someone that *hears* this. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/heartbeat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="heartbeat">
 

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my ex can't call me due to my protection order, but it is written that they can call him and it works out fine for us. They just can't call after bedime.
 

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I am so sorry. Having a relationship with your child is not a choice! If you are a father that is what you do. UA violation.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>iamama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8142942"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I am so sorry. Having a relationship with your child is not a choice! If you are a father that is what you do. UA violation.</div>
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Sadly it is a choice. My dd hasn't seen her dad for 2 years now. They had a okay relationship<br>
until dd was age 4, then <b>boom</b> nothing. This is his choice. What am I suppose to do sit outside<br>
his house with my dd and stalk him? How do you force a person to continue a relationship with<br>
their child? (I say none of the above mad, when I read what I wrote it seems like I'm mad, I'm<br>
not. I'm seriously asking.)
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>ilex</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8134371"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Thank you. I know you are right, and inevitably that is what I think will happen, and what I need to do. You are right that the most important thing is that our relationship is honest and open and that she know that I am there for her and that she can come to me if this saddens her or weighs on her. It is just really hard to allow that to happen, because I know she will be hurt. I don't really have an option with this one...you are right, it sucks, but I guess we just have to do the best with what we have. Thank you again. I really appreciate having someone that *hears* this. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/heartbeat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="heartbeat"></div>
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I know, it seriously sucks. I always want to keep my dd from this hurt. I want to protect her<br>
from feeling like her dad doesn't care, or that it's because of something she did wrong. Last week<br>
my dd asked me why her Dad didn't come to any of her soccer games when he promised to, and<br>
I usually say something upbeat like "oh I'm sure he was busy" or "maybe he made a mistake".<br>
Then I love on her for a long time and tell her how much I love her, and try (without making her<br>
feel like I'm doing this because of what her she asked me about he dad) to tell stories about what<br>
fun we will have tomorrow or something else.<br><br>
This last time when she asked I told her that I was sorry her Dad hurt her feelings and that the<br>
truth was her dad isn't very reliable. She asked me what reliable meant, and I told her that it's<br>
somebody who doesn't always keep their promises. But that they don't realize how much that<br>
hurts other people. We talked about honor, and how we treat people like we want them to treat<br>
us, and then I told her that some people don't know those lessons. That it has nothing to do with<br>
how much they like us, it really has to do with how they think about themselves. For a 6yo I think<br>
she got most of it, and I think it was time for the truth. Instead of me white washing the situation.<br><br>
So I feel like in a way you and I are both feeling heavy on this topic, keep talking keep expressing,<br>
and we'll all keep lending an ear and a <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>trinity6232000</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8144466"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">This last time when she asked I told her that I was sorry her Dad hurt her feelings and that the<br>
truth was her dad isn't very reliable. She asked me what reliable meant, and I told her that it's<br>
somebody who doesn't always keep their promises. But that they don't realize how much that<br>
hurts other people. We talked about honor, and how we treat people like we want them to treat<br>
us, and then I told her that some people don't know those lessons. That it has nothing to do with<br>
how much they like us, it really has to do with how they think about themselves. For a 6yo I think<br>
she got most of it, and I think it was time for the truth. Instead of me white washing the situation.</div>
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I think this is helpful. Straight truth with kindness.<br><br>
OP, I think it's really important that you not take responsibility for his relationship with her. It's out of your control, and although it impacts you because it impacts her, in an important way it's none of your business. It's like the weather. Or illness. It's not for us mamas to make it better than it really is, which is a distortion, but to bring truth and love to the situation. Not get into a lot of heavy interpretation of the X, but to acknowledge what is happening and their feelings, and help them cope with the pain of this reality in their lives. Because we can't change the reality, but the coping is a wide-open field for us mamas to help with.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>trinity6232000</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8144411"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Sadly it is a choice. My dd hasn't seen her dad for 2 years now. They had a okay relationship<br>
until dd was age 4, then <b>boom</b> nothing. This is his choice. What am I suppose to do sit outside<br>
his house with my dd and stalk him? How do you force a person to continue a relationship with<br>
their child? (I say none of the above mad, when I read what I wrote it seems like I'm mad, I'm<br>
not. I'm seriously asking.)</div>
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You can't force him. It's his responsibility. Mothers are not responsible for how their children's fathers choose to parent.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>trinity6232000</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8144466"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I know, it seriously sucks. I always want to keep my dd from this hurt. I want to protect her<br>
from feeling like her dad doesn't care, or that it's because of something she did wrong. Last week<br>
my dd asked me why her Dad didn't come to any of her soccer games when he promised to, and<br>
I usually say something upbeat like "oh I'm sure he was busy" or "maybe he made a mistake".<br>
Then I love on her for a long time and tell her how much I love her, and try (without making her<br>
feel like I'm doing this because of what her she asked me about he dad) to tell stories about what<br>
fun we will have tomorrow or something else.<br></div>
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I wouldn't make excuses for him, personally. I would say, "I don't know -- he'd have to tell you that." She may be a little young for really straight talk, but I think it's important to acknowledge that she's disappointed, that she can't expect him to keep his promises, and (most importantly) that his choices don't reflect upon her worth and she still plays great games and can still choose to have a great life. Older kids -- I'd probably talk about how it was his loss for missing out on such a great kid. I hope that acknowledging their feelings and focusing on what they have rather than what they don't have will help them to be strong and capable people. (We're in a place where daddy is stepping up, but I know that can change.)
 

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Take your part out.<br><br>
He has told her she can call, sometimes, maybe.<br><br>
So, let her. If he doesn't answer, if he doesn't call her back, that's between them. You will need to help her learn to deal with that, but it elminates you from the equation. If she feels you are keeping her dad from her, she may resent you and that affects your relationship.<br><br>
If she asks, I'd hand her the phone. If your ex calls, hand the phone directly to her. Don't talk to him about it at all. It is not your responsibility to make things easier for him. His relationship with his child is between him and her. All you can do is help her deal with her feelings around it.<br><br>
It really sucks. My ex refused to see our kids for 5 months and I had no answers when they asked why. It sucks for the kids though.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
I agree that you should it be HIS responsibility to stop communication, not yours to tell her she can't call. Then she won't get to know the truth, but just feel like you are inhibiting her relationship, which is the worst thing all around. Protecting her too much (and protecting him, really...if he doesn't want communication he should change his number) will only hurt your relationship with her. She needs to know she can trust you, and if his intermittent communications are undermining that, and you are reinforcing it by respecting his "don't call" request, that will only hurt her more in the end.<br><br>
It's so hard...<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> I wish all the time that I could protect my kids from hurt, and DD has said the saddest things ever imaginable about her dad leaving our lives on a daily basis (he's involved from a distance). But at the same time, the truth (in terms she can understand, and not inflated by any anger on your part) is what she really needs. Maybe say, "I'm surprised that your dad said to call anytime, because I thought he had told me that we shouldn't call. I'd love for you to be able to talk to him, though, and so let's give it a try."<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I have a huge problem with my ex and daughter's phone relationship <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hopmad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hopping mad"><br><br>
I've really learned that natural consequences unfortunately are the best thing. This is usually how it goes- My DD calls her dad. Dad rarely answers. She gets sad and upset. I sometimes can distract but I don't make excuses for ex anymore. Usually i'll say something like "i'm so sorry he's not there, maybe we can try some other time". She backs off for a few days and only calls him if she has something really exciting to tell him.<br><br>
That being said, they do talk. I never prevent her from calling him, but I certainly don't encourage it b/c i know he rarely answers and when he does answer he gets off the phone with her in 2 seconds b/c he's got other things to do. He has gotten better and he answers the phone more readily, but it still is a problem unfortunately. Theres just nothing more I can do and I refuse to "cover" for him anymore.
 
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