Bi/Gay/Les, etc...

Welcome to the Queer Boards. I'm a lesbian-leaning bisexual, myself and I've been married a little over 3 years with one son, 7 months old. Its been difficult for me...but good to know others are in my same situation! *hugs you*

Sapphomom

Welcome! I'm in the same "tribe" as you - bi, married to a man, with a stronger attraction to women. It is nice to find women in the same situation, isn't it? Wish I could find some in my area!

Luna... !!! !!!

Came back to add...don't get me wrong...it is a struggle every day...but it helps that I love my husband very much. The duality of feeling both attractions simultaneously is counter-intuitive to everything I've been taught since I was a child...you are attracted to one...or the other...NOT both. Those two voices in my head always pull at me. Poly is not an option for me for a number of reasons which I won't get into, so I'd love to know how others deal with that pull and longing that remains...unfilled...

I am a biaffectional who is generally more attracted to *men,* but I fell in love with and married a woman. Before my wife, the only other serious, very long-term (over a couple years) relationship I had was with a guy. I wish I could offer some insight, but for me it really hasn't been an issue or a struggle. I have never wanted an affectional relationship with more than one person. My dream life when I was a kid was not to have a small handful of husbands and wives. It was to fall in love with someone and get married and have a houseful of children. And here I am.

I find the intimacy and total focus of being in a "committed relationship" to one individual to be a very fulfilling and completely satisfactory. It helps that I have a very healthy, positive relationship and that I am very content with who my wife is. For me, her sex/gender really had nothing to do with it. I fell in love with *her,* for who she is. If she was the same person and a guy, I would have fallen in love with her as a guy. I do occassionally get crushes/feel attraction toward other people. That's normal. It's not like when we get married or come into a committed relationship that we turn certain feelings off, like an electrical switch. I just ride those feelings out, and I always feel like they were sorta silly when I look back a couple weeks later. There is only one person I can imagine being totally *perfect* for me, and that's my wife. I also know that I am an adrenaline-driven person and that I have a tendency to crave the excitement, the unknown, the thrill of a new relationship. Knowing this about myself helps me to keep those feelings in perspective, and it tells me what I need to do to keep my marriage happy and healthy.

I am remembering back to when I was with a guy, trying to think of something helpful about having an identity that isn't visible to the world. I do know that staying involved in my local queer-support group really helped because I felt connected to that part of myself. I wish I had something more useful to share.

Sierra

Quote:
Ahhh...the long lasting attraction. My wife has a very good friend with whom I have become close with over the years. I went through a two or three year period of having a very deep attraction for her. It didn't help that she knew it (after a year or so) and started feeding into it LOL.

Since its not like a close friendship like that and that level of comfort with another person comes everyday, I think that kinda confuses things. But I still think my attraction was real, it just wasn't the right "match for me." And of course, as you said, it is entirely possible to have feelings like this that are totally seperate from feelings about one's spouse. Anyway, as I do, I waited it out. I don't know when my attraction ended. I just started thinking about it one day and realized I loved this person and felt a very strong friendship with her but no longer felt that same attraction for her. I'm not sure if it would have confused my interpretation and feelings if it had been a guy (as I mentioned, I tend to be more into guys LOL).

Sierra

I hear you...I've had a similar situation with another woman...I totally had the hots for her but I knew that I wasn't really sure about the emotional connection, only that I was very attracted to her and she was nice and I enjoyed her company. AND, because I waited it out, the feelings did fade because she was great to look at but we didn't ever REALLY connect on a deeper level. This feeling for my friend is TOTALLY different. And for me, I've always connected more with women than men but never understood why...until recently. So this puts me in a weird position. I love committed relationships too...I'm a monogamist for sure...but there's always this question in my soul that maybe some of the reasons why my DH and I have struggled so much over the last few years is because I am really more "wired" for women than men, although I absolutely consider myself bi. What makes matters worse is that it has NOTHING to do with him and it makes me sad that the depth with which we love each other may just not be enough to keep me here, KWIM?