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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
If you do a search on my handle, you'll see the prior posts I did about him and now he is at it again.

We went to visit over this past weekend. DS is 19 months old. Sunday morning, I gave him a bowl of cereal, he was very hungry and dove right in. BIL took his bowl away in an effort to try to encourage my son to say a word. DS was upset and I said to BIL "he's hungry, give it back to him" and BIL says "well that's the best time to teach him" (????
: ???) WTF???

I am really sick and tired of this. Everytime I tell him how I feel, he comes back at me with "well no its like this" attitude. A friend of mine told me that he sounds like he has a real ego problem. I wrote him an email telling him that I am setting a boundary and that going forward I ask that he respect my feelings when it comes to raising MY SON! I can not believe the nerve of some ppl. My child is not a dog! I'm not about to start withholding food and drink from him to make him talk. How ridiculous is that???
 

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Wow, Mama you have a lot more patience then I have. I commend you for waiting to write an e-mail. He had absolutely positively no right to do that to your ds. I'm curious is he your dh's brother or is he the husband of your sister. Because I would tell them that behavior has to stop. I hope he doesn't do that to his own children. Good luck dealing with him in the future, he sounds like a prick considering this is not the first time this happened.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by mamatoablessing
OMG-that is so disrespectful. How would he like it if someone did that to him?

Sounds like someone who doesn't have kids. Does he?
He is the partner to my DH's brother, and they have a special needs child that they adopted.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Well it happened...I just knew it! Every time i've confronted him on an issue, he gets upset. This time however, I sent him a simple email explaining that although I appreciated his advice, I wanted to raise my child how I see fit. So you know what he did?!? He called my husband to say how upset and hurt he was by my note!!!!!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by eloquence
That is what I would do. I'd take BIL's food away until he shut up.

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another perspective here, and I didn't do the search, I don't have time right now.

you said he's got a special-needs kid? I've seen some therapists work with children to learn language by not giving them something until they use the targeted word, eye gaze, pointing, etc.
BUT---you wouldn't totally withhold a meal or snack from a child because they didn't do whatever it is (say yes to indicate they want it, 'more' etc.) when they're obviously hungry. You try again later with something else--do you want pushes on the swing? Do you want this toy? etc......
Is he doing it because they do that? just trying to give a possible idea...it's still unacceptable for him to jump in and do it to your son though.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by snugg_bug
So you know what he did?!? He called my husband to say how upset and hurt he was by my note!!!!!
Ooh, I've got a friend with four siblings, each with a spouse. The "I can't believe that she...that he...you make sure she never again does this..." crap is unbelievable. I really hope your husband said "why are you telling this to *me*?" to the BIL. Or dare I hope that he said "my wife has every right to ask you to respect our parenting choices, and that was an appalling thing you tried to do to my son"?

Sorry you have family complications. That sucks. And I agree with one of the above posters -- you showed tremendous restraint, waiting to send an email. Someone trying to manipulate my child with food? I would have taken his head off.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by zakers_mama
you said he's got a special-needs kid? I've seen some therapists work with children to learn language by not giving them something until they use the targeted word, eye gaze, pointing, etc.
That's what I was thinking too. It is sometimes used, hopefully very carefully, in therapeutic settings as a teaching tool. It, however, is not something I think should be applied more broadly to parenting tools. Maybe your BIL doesn't realize it was something taught to him only for the special circumstances of his child.

However, hopefully your husband responded the way the above poster suggested, and that the limits get set.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by zakers_mama
you said he's got a special-needs kid? I've seen some therapists work with children to learn language by not giving them something until they use the targeted word, eye gaze, pointing, etc.

Originally Posted by Sierra
That's what I was thinking too. It is sometimes used, hopefully very carefully, in therapeutic settings as a teaching tool. It, however, is not something I think should be applied more broadly to parenting tools. Maybe your BIL doesn't realize it was something taught to him only for the special circumstances of his child.
He used to work with special needs people and thus this IS why he does this. Everytime I've asked him not to do something, he crops up his credentials and what he knows, basically saying he knows better than I do and therefore I guess I'm supposed to just let him do whatever he feels like!

Basically after DH got home and we discussed the situation, DH called him and simply said that there was no ill intent in my note, that I simply had certain feelings about those things and wanted him to know that. BIL is extremely sensitive, and DH has warned me in the past not to confront him on issues, however, when do MY sensitive feelings come into any kind of relevance? I'm very stressed today after that entire episode last evening.
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Quote:

Originally Posted by snugg_bug
He used to work with special needs people and thus this IS why he does this. Everytime I've asked him not to do something, he crops up his credentials and what he knows, basically saying he knows better than I do and therefore I guess I'm supposed to just let him do whatever he feels like!

Basically after DH got home and we discussed the situation, DH called him and simply said that there was no ill intent in my note, that I simply had certain feelings about those things and wanted him to know that. BIL is extremely sensitive, and DH has warned me in the past not to confront him on issues, however, when do MY sensitive feelings come into any kind of relevance? I'm very stressed today after that entire episode last evening.
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Oh my stars.......we share the same BIL.

Fortunatly, I don't have to see mine often, but my DH doesn't think it's best to confront his BIL either. It really is an ego problem, ya know? The only thing I can suggest is that you make it clear-- "You parent your kids, I'll parent mine. This is not open for discussion."

I wish you the best with all of this. At least your DH is willing to speak up somewhat, if not as forcefully as you might have wished.

Faith
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by snugg_bug
Well it happened...I just knew it! Every time i've confronted him on an issue, he gets upset. This time however, I sent him a simple email explaining that although I appreciated his advice, I wanted to raise my child how I see fit. So you know what he did?!? He called my husband to say how upset and hurt he was by my note!!!!!
Sorry....I just read this! We really DO have the same BIL! What in heck is it with these guys?!?!?

I honestly wish I had better advice for you, but the last time I saw my BIL, and he started in on how I was pampering my DD because he scared her-- my DH and I got in a big argument. Among the things BIL said was that he'd abide by my daughter's saying "no" to him for now, but not in the future. That didn't sit well with either me or my DH-- because if DD tells him "no" we want her respected regardless of what he thinks. I had decided then that I would avoid seeing BIL with my DH at all cost. DH is kind of tired of seeing him anyhow.

I don't know if avoidance is feasable for you. But frankly, I'm not sure if there really is a better way to handle an over-bearing oaf who cries if you tell him you didn't like what he said or did. Do you really think that your email will at least stop his behavior? Hurt feelings or not? Whatever the case, I wish you luck, and I look forward to hearing how you'll handle this in the future.

Faith
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by faithnj
Sorry....I just read this! We really DO have the same BIL! What in heck is it with these guys?!?!?

I honestly wish I had better advice for you, but the last time I saw my BIL, and he started in on how I was pampering my DD because he scared her-- my DH and I got in a big argument. Among the things BIL said was that he'd abide by my daughter's saying "no" to him for now, but not in the future. That didn't sit well with either me or my DH-- because if DD tells him "no" we want her respected regardless of what he thinks. I had decided then that I would avoid seeing BIL with my DH at all cost. DH is kind of tired of seeing him anyhow.

I don't know if avoidance is feasable for you. But frankly, I'm not sure if there really is a better way to handle an over-bearing oaf who cries if you tell him you didn't like what he said or did. Do you really think that your email will at least stop his behavior? Hurt feelings or not? Whatever the case, I wish you luck, and I look forward to hearing how you'll handle this in the future.

Faith
Thanks Faith, I really appreciate you taking the time to share your side. Unfortunitly, not seeing them is not an option. My DH's brother does not live all that close though, they are 4 hours away. So we see them maybe half a dozen times a year. The thing that bothered me more than how he reacted to my note, was how my husband handle the news. When he got home, he was upset with my for contacting his BIL and then went on to say that I was just causing trouble, that I should have ignored him. I'm sorry, but I do not keep my feelings to myself on every stance, if something really bothers me, I am going to speak up. On top of that, if BIL has an issue with me, you know what he does? He specifically will take me aside and have a "chat" with me - he is VERY confrontational, and I illuminated this point to my DH to which he agreed. But nonetheless, my DH emphasized that he's known him for over 20 years, and knows his personality, he said to me "you will never win, if you confront him, he will get upset". Well maybe that is why BIL continues to push his opinions on everyone is because you have to walk on f&*%ing eggshells around him
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My family was doing this for awhile. I remember at a birthday party for my daughter, she got a new toy and didn't want to share it right then. Our philosophy is that it is HER new toy and she needs time with it before she is 'made' to share with anyone else. If I got a new car, I wouldn't automatically let everyone drive it. It's MY new car. kwim? My sister didn't like that my dd wasn't sharing, took the brand new toy away and gave it to the other kids to play with. I was LIVID. My sister and I got into an huge argument where I reminded her that I am the parent and that I'm in charge.

Quote:
Everytime I've asked him not to do something, he crops up his credentials and what he knows, basically saying he knows better than I do and therefore I guess I'm supposed to just let him do whatever he feels like!
I'd remind him that he's never done any diagnosis on your child and that you are the mother and in situations like this, mom knows best.
Stand your ground and don't worry about hurting his feelings. It hurt both your feelings and probably your child's feelings that he took away the food!
 

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Ay yi yi..........And that's exactly why my husband and I ended up in a big argument over his BIL. Same frickin situation. My husband wants to go the nonconfrontational route, want's me just to ignore him. How can you ignore somebody telling you what to do, or taking your baby in their hands and doing what they want with her? I already don't talk to my BIL past hi, how are you, bye. So why my BIL thinks he has the right to give me parenting advice about a child he has only seen 3 times is beyond me. I told my husband I was going to email his BIL since he wouldn't speak up, and that really upset my DH, so I gave him the opportunity to handle it himself....he did in a way. He left a message on BIL's voice mail saying that he didn't like his saying he wouldn't respect DD's "no" in the future, and wanted to talk about it. (I would have been a lot more direct in my email! LOL!) BIL never called back. That was about 3-4 weeks ago? Jeez.....what in the world are we going to do about these BIL's who can pick fights, but then turn into crybabies the minute you say you don't agree? Sigh. Well, six times a year is not as bad as it could be. Maybe if you skip the next trip he might get the message?

Whatever the case, you're not alone with this family garbage. I just wish I had better answers for you. (And for me.)

Faith
 
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