[cfnielson530]

I have a dd who is 4 years old. She was just shy of 2 when me and my dh got married and her biological father has never been involved in her life. She calls my dh "daddy" as he has been the one helping me raise her. My X has seemed to have very little interest in her since we got divorced. He has only sent her a birthday gift and Christmas gift once. He only e-mails me when he needs something from me. He is in the military, however, I barely see that as a reason not to be involved. I grew up a military brat and got cards and gifts from my dad whenever there was a birthday or holiday and sometimes just for no reason. He came home and spent time with me when he was on leave. My ex has only seen my dd 4 times in her entire life. He has been in town and not seen her at all.

Anyway, my dd's birthday was in May and my X's sister asked to see her. Little did I know she was bringing her mother who called me every name in the book the last time she spoke to me. Well, we go and eat with them and she gets her birthday gifts from them, which totally shocked me because they have had just as little to do with her as her biological father does. All of a sudden they start talking to her about her "daddy" and showing her pictures. This really irritated me as my X does know that my DD calls my DH "daddy". I wasn't sure what to say and just had to have a talk with her in the car on the way home about the difference between her daddy and her father, not a conversation I was hoping to have until she was old enough to understand. She has no clue who her biological father is and looked very confused the whole time they were showing her the pictures.

All in all, with that situation, I'm not sure what to do. They said they want to see her more, which would be ok as they are her family as well. I am, however, concerned about them doing the same thing they did when we got together for her birthday. What do I do? My X has supervised visits that he doesn't use. Is there any way that I can get those supervised visits carried over to include his family?

My other issue (and I'm so sorry this is so long!) is with my X. My X gets out of the military next March and claims to want to be involved in my dd's life. I'm not too sure how much I believe him. I don't know why he would all of a sudden have an epiphany and decide he wants to be involved. Regardless, I'm concerned about him coming in and out of her life whenever he pleases when he gets out. Is there any way I can deter this from happening when we go back to court? He wants to get his visits unsupervised, but I know that won't happen.

So, what do I do about all of this? HELP!

 

[Blu Razzberri]

Quote:

Originally Posted by cfnielson530 ...I am, however, concerned about them doing the same thing they did when we got together for her birthday....

These people are obviously inconsiderate to your family, to the situation, and to your daughter. If they take her on her own, they will very likely do worse than when you're around.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cfnielson530 ...What do I do?....

Honestly? MOVE. If you can, move...NOW. Move far. I should have done this. My ex wanted nothing to do with me and my DS after I moved on and started my relationship with my DP. But he blamed me and told his mom it was MY fault that he never saw DS (when it absolutely was not). So X-MIL started pushing X to take me to court to get visitation rights; and he did (again and again) to save face.

I should have moved when he first stopped coming around, because with us being far away, X could have given X-MIL a "reason" for his not seeing DS instead of passing the buck, and then we wouldn't be in the situation we're in right now.

Seriously, this is what my parents did when my bio-dad started flaking (I was 1.5 when he left and 6 when the missing parts of his family decided to start getting involved again in a not-so-logical way (long story short, I knew some of his family the whole time).

We moved 6 hours away and stayed away for 4 years (which was long enough for them to lose track and "forget" about me. I have a sort-of relationship with his family now, but I've never met him. I grew up normal and didn't have to deal with the aggravation of a parent who really didn't want anything to do with me.

That's just what I would do if I were in your shoes. Good luck with whatever you choose!

 

[Earthly_Joys]

Whew! Man do I know how you feel! I'm so sorry this situation has come up in your life! Our is kind of the opposite...I'm DSD's step mom but she has known me as her mom for four years, since she was 2 years old. Her BM has seen her 5 times since she was 11 months old (when my DH who was in the Navy got full custody of her with no visitation to BM). BM showed up 2 years ago making all kinds of demands about HER daughter.

The first thing I suggest you do is take a deep breath. Next, you may want to talk to a lawyer and see what kind of rights you have (I don't remember your custody being in your OP). You have the right to refuse visitation and you have the right to make requirements. Obviously this will be hard on DD. She has no idea who these people are! I suggest talking with a family therapist/mediator to help you through it. She needs to be gradually introduced to these people and it needs to be done in a way that does not make her feel threatened.

BM demanded that DSD stop calling me mom and start calling her mom right away. Both my husband and I thought that was crazy. I'm okay with DSD calling her BM mom or whatever else she wants to call her. I'm not okay with telling her that I'm not her mom anymore. Also, we asked both BM and BM's family to RESPECT the relationship that DSD already has with me. Meaning, they are not allowed to tell her that I'm not her mom and they can't force it down her throat that BM is her mom. (BM's mother does not like this at all and sometimes slips and calls me her step mom. I know it must be hard for her and she probably feels territorial but that does not make it okay to confuse a child.)

Also, your ex will likely stop communicating with you and DD shortly after it starts. I have a hard time believing a parent who has been absent for years. The sincerity just is not there. He's probably being pushed because he has a new GF or wife, or his mom wants to see her grandbaby. We find that every time BM comes around it's because of a holiday, birthday, illness, or her mom has been coming down on her. She never calls "just because".

I recommend that you get custody set in stone with a court system. You need to set up child support, etc. Most likely he will not continue with the visitation which needs to be court documented to protect you and your custody of DD. A court will also make sure this is as easy on DD that it can be. They won't just automatically give him over nights. Most likely he will have some sort of supervised mandatory visits in a public place at first. Then time alone. Then over nights. Same with his family.

The most important pieces of advise that I can give you are...

*Do not allow them to push you around
*Don't rush it
*Don't act out of fear
*Always do what is best for DD

And remember, you have the right to lay it all out..You do not have to do this on their terms. Be polite and helpful but do not freak out and give in to anything and everything because you want to keep your custody the way it is. GOOD LUCK! This will be hard but you can handle it! Be strong! You're in my prayers!

 

[Laggie]

I think that it makes sense that your daughter's aunt and grandmother would want to show her photos of her father, and call him daddy. If you didn't specifically tell them not to beforehand, then how would they know that was an issue?

I grew up with a dad and a stepdad. I was a little bit older, but my younger brother was only 4 when my mom remarried. He was very able to understand the concept of having a father and a stepfather. We called both of them Dad.

I think that 4 is a great age to start explaining this. It should just be matter-of-fact, ie you have Daddy ___ who loves you very much, and you also have a father named ___ who loves you, but lives far away. (yes, at 4 I would sugar-coat it a little)

Unfortunately it sounds like your ex is not exactly a good parent. Even so, she is going to wonder about him as she grows up. I think it's better to know the truth. God knows my father was not exactly father of the year, but I've learned a lot about myself by watching him screw things up.

Having said that, I don't think you have any legal obligation to allow the visits from your ex's family. Does he pay any support?

 

[Earthly_Joys]

I wanted to add to what I said earlier....I know I come off as over the top and gung-ho (sp?) It's because in the beginning I was too nice. We were too nice. Unfortunately DSD's BM did not take our niceness as a sign of potential friendship and peacefulness...She took it for a sign of weakness. Which, in reality it was. We were so petrified of our custody changing..and well..on my part I was so afraid of her in general..just because of who she was. She played us big time. Together and separately. Looking back, if I had been a little bit more stern...If we had stopped her when she pushed boundaries then certain things would never have happened and we'd all be in a very different and probably more peaceful place today.

I really hope that everything turns out well for you and your family.