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I wrote ths in my journal this morning and wanted to share it with you guys...

This pregnancy is bringing me through so many developmental stages physically, mentally, spiritually, and emotionally. I have found myself experiencing things I never would've thought about had it not been for Kiriana. Taking charge of my own life has shown me what I truly am capable of and what I have the potential for. She has opened up my eyes to a way of being that I had previously been, for the most part, unaware of.

I am more aware and in tune with my body and my environment (probably why the house being a mess is irking me so much). I've adopted a healthier way of eating, though I'm no longer trying to be strict about it. I've come to take full responsibility for my life and the lives of my children instead of handing that responsibility over to another being.

Last night I had a dream. And like so many other dreams it was about Kiriana's birth. I realized that these dreams are symbolizing the changes going on within myself. How my confidence is changing.

When I first thought abut having a UBAC I pictured Frankie, Orion, and myself in our upstairs bathroom. All the supplies I needed were available to me, awaiting in a corner of the room until I needed them. I laid out many towels and used the tub to support me into a squatting position. Orion sat there and watched in amazement as I birthed the baby and Frankie caught her.

Eventually I began to wonder if I should wake Frankie and Orion up if I find myself delivering the baby in the middle of the night. I began to leave that up to fate. I won't wake them up, but if they wake up they will. So, my dreams changed and I found myself again in the bathroom, but this time alone. Frankie and Orion are just in the other room, blissfully asleep. I light candles instead of turning on the light so Kiriana's eyes aren't shocked when she's born. Again, everything I need is within reach. Sometimes I have old towels on the floor, sometimes it's a plastic tablecloth with a few towels on it. I birth the baby in one of many positions (this part always changes. Sometimes I'm on one knee, sometimes I'm squatting, etc). She's born into my own hands. Sometimes in this dream Frankie or Orion will wake up to the sounds of Kiriana's first cries and come into the room. Sometimes I just clean her and I up silently and then go to bed with her, allowing Frankie and Orion to wake up to this little baby sharing our family bed.

Sometimes, the dream where I'm alone includes complications. I dream that I'm able to handle these complications, either through education or by instinct and intuition. Frankie is always just a room away, so if I need him to, he can drive me to the hospital. Though, in the dreams I never need that, except one dream where I thought I did and birthed the baby in the car.

Because of this, I've been very afraid of having the baby completely by myself. I can do it by myself, but I want someone there. Either to take care of Orion so I don't have to, or to drive me to the hospital should the need arise. I've been planning on contacting the hospital and telling them that they're my backup just incase. This way I can fill out the paperwork and not have to worry about it when I get there. Also, I can have the maternity ward's phone number and call it while enroute. Also, I've made arrangements for someone to be here if Frankie is out to sea or something.

Though, I realized something. While doing all of this, preparing for the worst while expecting the best, I've been setting myself up for failure. I can't quite explain it. I keep on being told when I meditate that I don't need any of that and that it's useless. And I've had the feeling that if I prepare too much, then I'll cause a psychosomatic complication (or a complication that only exists because you think it does) which can lead to an actual problem. I may find myself transferring without any reason to. And as a result may find myself once more torn open when it could've been avoided.

I've been thinking that perhaps I should just leave 9-1-1 as my backup and not worry about the rest. If this pregnancy has taught me anything it's that I need to follow my intuition. I can't just listen to it sometimes and ignore it the rest. I need to stop allowing my fears to dictate what I do and what I don't. I need to trust in myself and in the Goddess. I've known since I saw that positive pregnancy test that She wouldn't give me anything I cannot handle. We're having a baby when our finances are it their worst. Yet, that has turned into a blessing as it's forcing me to rethink the way I do things and to realize that I have much excess in my life which isn't needed. It's allowed me to be more and more intune with myself and with Gaia.

So, last night I had a new dream. One that almost made my heart skip a beat. In this dream Frankie isn't home. I don't know for sure but I think his ship is out to sea, which was a strong fear of mine for awhile. It's daytime and Orion and I are picking up some of his toys in the living room. The house is clean and I've managed to keep it that way without stressing. Everything is in it's place, even the stuff I've been wanting to put on the walls. Orion and I are happy and are about to do an art project together. I had been feeling contractions all through the night and even as we clean I stop for one. They're not painful, just pressure. Like when I was in labor with Orion (before the drugs). Suddenly I stop as labor has progressed suddenly to the point where I can't clean right now. The baby will be here soon. I as Orion to grab the plastic cloth I have in the bathroom and to bring it and some towels downstairs. He asks me why and I tell him the baby is coming. While he's doing that I go into the bathroom downstairs and just as I sit on the toilet my water breaks. I come out of the bathroom and Orion and I half-hazardly lay out the cloth and towels. It's not neat but it doesn't have to be. I take off my dress and toss it aside as I get on all fours and do this moaning thing.

Orion tells me that he's scared and I just look up at him and try to smile through a contraction. They still don't hurt, but the pressure is intense. "It's ok sweety. Mommy knows what she's doing. No need to be scared." I'm like this for a while, maybe half an hour. Orion tries to rub my back (he does that whenever he feels I'm sad or in pain). Finally I switch positions and I'm in one of the ones from a previous dream. Sort of down on one knee and squatting. I start to put my hands between my legs as the baby is crowning. Orion asks if he can help. I look up at him and take his hands and put them on the baby's head. He helps me deliver his sister into the world. Both of us cry at how beautiful she is. My son helped deliver my daughter.

She was perfect. A little blue as all babies are in the few moments before they learn to breathe. But, she pinks up quickly. There were no complications. The thought of having the phone within reach never entered my mind. I only felt a little sad that Frankie wasn't there to share this moment. I really would like for him to be. But, I know that if he isn't that's OK. I can handle it. I can do it without any help.

I truly don't need someone to fall back on. I don't need to give up control to another being while I birth. One of my concerns was that if a friend came over to help or if Frankie was here, that I would find myself giving control to them. Falling back on them. Leaning on them. Relying on them to tell me what to do. But, with just Orion and I there I didn't NEED to do that. I was woman. I was Nature. I was the Goddess. Or, at least I was connected to Her.

In truth I don't know how Kiriana's birth will go. But, I do know that thanks to her I've grown. I look back at what was going on in my life when she was conceived. A lot of "what if" questions go through my head. If I didn't get pregnant would I still be the woman I am right now? No. What if I stayed in Red Bluff? Then I would've been drinking, smoking, and being around people I knew weren't good for me or my son. It's not the kind of life I want. I'm more glad than ever to be where I am right now. And I can only wonder what the future will bring.

My pregnancy with Orion prepared me for motherhood. Both his birth and his life have taught me so much. He continues to do so every day and I treasure that. Kiriana is supplementing that with spiritual lessons. The two of them have shown me more than I could ever have hoped to see. Being a mother takes on such a strong meaning for me. I don't know if I can ever convey it in words. I have a spiritual connection with both of my children. A bond stronger than I ever imagined before Orion came into my life. I feel truly blessed by the gods.
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