[Barefoot~Baker]

Oh my gosh I did not mean it to be this long!!! You can skip to the end if you want lol!

This is my 3rd baby and I want to be fully prepared this time!

For some background - my dh was wonderful during our first birth. Neither of us were educated about it, but I was determined to go natural (ended up with some meds for a while and a vacuum extraction), thought I could handle it. I wasn't prepared for the awful back labor, but he was right there with me for 25 hours, rubbing my back, holding my hand, massaging, etc. He was great.

2nd birth - induction, he kind of had the attitude that I'd done it before so what did I need him there for lol. Things got out of control and I had an epidural.

So, this time, I really, really want the natural birth that I've always dreamed of and want to be prepared with a birth partner. He is my last resort. He loves our kids dearly, loves our new baby that's coming, and wants to be there for the birth, but he does not like labor. He was so exhausted from the first one, he doesn't want to do it again, and although I wish he was one of those guys who was totally into it, I am just accepting it and looking for someone else to be my partner during labor. I told him that if I don't find anyone, that he was going to have to do it, and he is fully prepared to be the last resort lol. I also told him that even if I do find someone, that he would have to help out with the kids and give my partner any help that she will need, and he is totally ok with that.

Soooo, I asked a friend to do it, and she said no because I'm studying Hypnobabies and she is not comfortable with hypnosis, most likely for religious reasons. I wasn't shocked by that, but I am still upset. She was the only friend who I felt really comfortable asking to be there, and now I'm afraid to ask any of my other Christian friends because I don't think I can deal with that rejection again. (I'm a Christian myself btw but I am well-informed about hypnosis and obviously have no problem with it).

So, last night I asked my brother's girlfriend to do it. She's a real sweetheart, and she was so happy and excited and really wants to do it, but she is going to be away during most of July (my due date is the 19th) and will only be home from 7/14-7/27. I told her that if she's here while I have the baby, that I would love for her to be present, but I need to have someone who I know will definately be available to be my partner. She totally understands.

Here's the important part lol:

So, she told me that her mom wants to do it, and her mom wants to someday be a doula. Her mom has had 5 kids, I think 4 naturally. I've never met her. I would hate to meet her and then for some reason change my mind. Also, she lives an hour and 15 minutes away from my house, but then from the hospital she lives about 45 minutes away. What do you think of this? Could this be a problem? She is totally available anytime though.

Well thanks for reading, I really need advice!

 

[georgiegirl1974]

If you have the money, I'd just hire a doula. That way, your support person would be on the same page as you with regards to going natural. Hopefully there are some doulas in your area with hynobabies experience.

 

[Barefoot~Baker]

I forgot to say, I cannot afford a doula. We were originally going to hire one, but it is impossible right now.

 

[ScootchsMom]

Hire a doula if you have the money to. If not, try to find a student doula that will give a discount, work possibly free, or will barter.

I would use the girlfriend's mother as a last resort, and only after determining that her thinking was in line with mine. No harm in meeting her, find out what she has studied about doula's, what books has she read about birth, what is her personal opinion on birth, etc. Treat it like any other doula interview and let her know you will get back to her with your decision.

Personally, for me and my circumstances, I did not want an inexperienced doula. I need someone that has seen normal birth and has studies it. I went with a homebirth midwife, that also works as a doula, to help me with a VBAC in the hospital.

ETA - saw your update....many doulas are willing to barter, use a sliding fee scale, and newer doulas looking for certifying births may even work for free. It doesn't hurt to call around and talk to a few and see what they offer.

 

[murphysaangel]

Quote:

Originally Posted by ScootchsMom Hire a doula if you have the money to. If not, try to find a student doula that will give a discount, work possibly free, or will barter. ETA - saw your update....many doulas are willing to barter, use a sliding fee scale, and newer doulas looking for certifying births may even work for free. It doesn't hurt to call around and talk to a few and see what they offer.

:

You could always give yourself a pre-emptive "out" when meeting your friend's mom, like saying beforehand that you THINK you have a doula to work with, but would love to meet her in case you decide you'll need extra support. That way no one's feelings are hurt in case you totally dislike this woman or she turns out to be some nutcase, or is all pro-episiotomy and medically-minded or whatever. It's a good excuse even if you decide *NOT* to call her at the last minute for any reason, too. But honestly I would do whatever you can to find a doula that would work with you on payment, is a student, or will accept minimal monthly payments. It's important to have someone you are comfortable with and who will support your decisions. Check with your local tribal area for recommendations.

Oh, and some (but very few) insurance companies will pay for or reimburse you for a doula's services. Call and find out!

If you decide to go with a friend or someone who's not a doula, I'd definitely recommend doing a natural childbirth education class together. It really helped my dh to be so wonderful during my labor. Sometimes people just don't know what to expect, even if they've been through labor themselves, because they haven't been on that side of things.

 

[TzippityDoulah]

I think it may be awkward to use the mom as a faux-doula. as she is neither a friend of yours nor an educated doula. it might just set up weirdo vibes. yk? I'm sure she would be fine, but how would she help you if she neither knows you nor knows how to doula? just b/c she is experienced at birth doesn't means she's experienced at helping others through birth and it seems to me you're really lookng for someone to take on a bigger role - not just observe.

I would look into a payment scale with a doula. or atleast a "doula in training"/newer doula who might do it for cheaper, b/c atleast they would know basically how to help you out and not just be an observer.

I don't think one needs ot be a dula in order to help. but if they aren't a doula/midwife... if should be someone els eyou can trust and you know will support you and your husband... not just watch awkwardly.

 

[accountclosed3]

i think henny penny has it right.

i would either hire a doula, or find a friend whom i trust.

 

[Beccadoula]

I didn't catch if you're planning another hospital birth or not. A very inexperienced doula could be a big help in simple moral support, but I think having a trained or experienced doula for a hospital birth might be more helpful. I guess the question is why the doula? Do you want an encouraging hand to hold and a voice confidently telling that you can do this?...or do you want insurance against medical intervention? You have to understand that you are the best insurance...your pre-birth choices will decide much of the birth experience for you. Choose your hospital, doctor, midwife, etc...with extreme care. A doula can not make the medical community behave the way you want them to. But she could help smoothing things a bit...depends on your place of birth and their pre-set ideas about doulas. JUST having someone along is a huge help in avoiding medical interventions. If you like this lady she might be all you need and she will probably be way better than no one!

 

[katmann]

Sorry, but, labor exhausts your husband?

I agree with murphysangel, that having an "out" is a good idea. That way you can sort of interview her but not commit.

 

[flowers]

Why don't you look into all your options. If you can't afford a doula look into some student doulas and interview them like you would normally and do the same with your friend's mom. Who knows. Maybe the mom and you will have a great relationship, but just tell her you have met another doula but would love to meet with her and discuss the option.

Good luck!

PS I think you are great for simply acknowledging what you aren't able to get from your dh and finding what you need. Go mama go!

 

[TzippityDoulah]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gentlehandsdoula I didn't catch if you're planning another hospital birth or not. A very inexperienced doula could be a big help in simple moral support, but I think having a trained or experienced doula for a hospital birth might be more helpful. I guess the question is why the doula? Do you want an encouraging hand to hold and a voice confidently telling that you can do this?...or do you want insurance against medical intervention? You have to understand that you are the best insurance...your pre-birth choices will decide much of the birth experience for you. Choose your hospital, doctor, midwife, etc...with extreme care. A doula can not make the medical community behave the way you want them to. But she could help smoothing things a bit...depends on your place of birth and their pre-set ideas about doulas. JUST having someone along is a huge help in avoiding medical interventions. If you like this lady she might be all you need and she will probably be way better than no one!

I agree with your words (obviously, being a doula!) but i don't think the OP had it in her mind that doula would change the medical staff or stop interventions. at least that isn't what it seemed like she was hoping. she seemed to want continuous support and help making decisions. I think a doula could be a perfect match for her if that is what she is looking for.

 

[koalove]

where in upstate new york are you? if you are in the rochester area~ i can GUARANTEE that i can lead you to a free doula. pm me if you want me to help you out...

 

[Barefoot~Baker]

Hi, thank you for all of the advice.

Yes, my 1st labor exhausted my husband, I don't think that is so uncommon, like I said I was in labor for 25 hours, and it started in the late afternoon so by the time it was over, we'd been up for a day and a half, on our feet the whole time.

What I want from a partner/doula, is someone to mainly help with comfort measures and encouragement. I'm going to be in a very birth-friendly hospital with midwives and I know that medical interventions are not going to be a problem unless I'm the one who caves in and asks for meds

I need someone who is dedicated to helping me and knows how. You know?

I did contact this local place where doulas are available and asked if there is anyone in training or low-cost who could help me. After leaving 2 messages no one has gotten back to me, so I don't know about that option at this point. (I live in the Capital Region)

Maybe I will meet up with my friend's mom, thank you for suggesting that. I don't have any other friends who I am comfortable asking for various reasons.

Thank you very much, I hope that I can make the right decision

 

[Jilian]

You can contact the major doula certification organizations: DONA and CAPPA and get in touch with the doula trainer for your area and let her know you are looking for an uncertified doula who will charge a reduced rate or attend your birth for free in exchange for a review (we doulas need to attend certification birth and receive a certain number of reviews reviews before becoming certified). That way you will get a doula who has already gone through the training but has not been certified. CAPPA's trainer told us women e-mail her about this all the time and she is more than happy to refer them to a doula.

I honestly think it is great that your husband is telling you up front that he cannot fully support you though labor. Now you have enough time to find someone who can. I've seen a lot of husbands who were not comfortable being hands-on during labor and that is ok.

 

[Amber Lion]

www.bellywomen.net is an awesome resource!

Post that you're looking to hire a doula but that you can't pay or look at the listings from doulas in your area and see how they're willing to work with you. The whole purpose of the site is for low cost/fee doulas to connect with moms who can't afford one but still need the support.

Good luck!!

 

[cottonwood]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mrs. Turner Yes, my 1st labor exhausted my husband, I don't think that is so uncommon, like I said I was in labor for 25 hours, and it started in the late afternoon so by the time it was over, we'd been up for a day and a half, on our feet the whole time.

I don't think she was questioning that being a labor support person can be exhausting, rather expressing incredulity that he wouldn't just suck it up to support you, considering that you're doing more work than *anybody*.