[mommyofshmoo]

Hey all,

I thought I'd be done after 2 kids, but like so many people am getting a little baby fever because I have a three month old. Stranger still, I think my dh is feeling it too.

I'd thought that if I had a third I'd want it to be WAY later- like at least four or five years after #2.

But now I wonder if it would be better to get the baby thing all over with at once. (Or at least space them closer). At this point it's all theoretical, but i'm just thinkin'.

What are your opinions?

 

[johub]

There have been a LOT of threads lately about the difficulties 3 year olds are facing when a new sibling enters the picture. After reading so many I am so glad I had all three of my youngest kids within 16 months of each other!
(Ok well i went from 3 to 4 in 39 minutes) . My ds has absolutely no memory of the time before his brother and sister were born. He was young enough to not have been replaced as the baby. (because he still WAS a baby and it is a lot easier to handle a 16 month old who is wetting his pants and wanting to nurse all the time than a 3 1/2 year old I would think. It is much harder to give an older sibling the babying he or she needs when they are already so "big" that it is unexpected.
This may not be the case for many. But I can tell you that I am grateful to have been spared some of the new sibling issues that moms of older kids seem to have. Top that off with teh fact that my three are so close in age there was very little lag before they were able to play together. Now they are all best friends..
Joline

 

[Dal]

Simon is 19 months old. Though he is not likely to remember this time in his life when he's an adult, he shows a tremendous amount of jealousy when I hold another baby or child. He has done this for several months now. I'm not fully seeing how the claim that I hear so often -- that the child doesn't know otherwise -- is meant to work. Of course Simon knows otherwise. He's had dh and me all to himself all of this time. How could he not notice the extreme difference that would occur when a baby entered the picture? Am I missing something?

 

[johub]

It certainly is an adjustment. And I believe that children are highly resilient. It isnt that the adjustment is any easier on the child, but that when the adjustment is complete, it doesnt keep coming back as the child remembers the idealized times when he was alone with his parents. I think perhaps it makes the adjustment period faster.

It isnt even that the child doesnt know otherwise when the sibling is born. Of course he does. However I think the assimilation process to get to the point where the child doesnt remember not having their sibling is faster.

I also think that my ds still nursing was really helpful in the adjustment process. He had not reached any milestones of independance that I expected him to maintain other than walking. So he was still free to be a baby as long as he needed to be a baby. There was no regression to babylike behavior, because he was still a baby. (I am not sure If I am speaking in circles or if this makes sense LOL).

I want to add however that every child and family dynamic is different, I am sure there are many situations where the longer the distance between siblings the better. In our home it was the opposite however.

Joline

 

[mommyofshmoo]

I think it depends on the temperment of the child. My second is REALLY mellow. I've actually seen her self soothe. Never saw that with my first. (I never left either one to "cry it out" but there are times you just can;t get to them right away and with dd it ALWAYS escalated to screaming. Dd 2 has only really cried all out a handful of times in her life so far.

For me right now I feel like the financial burden of extra childcare and difficulty doing things like camping or travelling make it seem like maybe it would make sense to do all the baby stuff at once. (If we decided to have a third.) Obviousl;y kids are always a financial burden- but I forsee having less childcare while I work when my kids are older.

It would have been VERY hard to have a second when dd#1 was little. She refused a bottle entirely, ate solids late, woke at night till she was 2, major separation axiety. I don't know dd#2 completely yet- but she seems like a very different child.

Anyway- interesting idea.

Also- I don't know if dd#1 is having a tough time with the baby or if she is just going through 3 yp stuff right now. It's not like she never had a negative phase before the baby was born.

 

[sleet76]

We plan on having at least three, and my 2nd is extremely mellow--my 1st is much more intense. We had a pretty easy transition with DD to the arrival of DS, much easier than I expected. And with DS being SO EASY I've thought about spacing even closer than we did last time (22 months). I beleive I could add a newborn fairly easily in 9 months. However, what is holding me back (and this may or may not ring true for your family) IS the sweet mellow boy that my son is. He is happy to play by himself in the floor for long stretches, and doesn't usually mind waiting much if I need to deal with DD before I can do what he needs. I am afraid that he'd get lost in the middle too easily. With the unknown personality of #3 and the fact that a newborn needs a lot of time, and with my DD needing a lot of my energy, I could see my son not getting his needs met as well as I would like. If I were to becoome pregnant ahead of "schedule" I'm sure I could work it out, but I plan on waiting a bit longer to make sure that my DD is at a pretty independant point before I add another. I see the possibility of a true, forgotten middle child if I had #3 too soon.

 

[annethcz]

Family structure and temprament make such a BIG difference. I can only share my own experience. My kids are 21 & 22 months apart, respectively. So, 3 kids in 3.5 years (and when our new son comes home this month, it will be 4 kids in 5.5 years

).

I LOVE our child spacing. My kids fight like cats and dogs at times, but two minutes later they are loving on each other. They really are all best friends. Because they are close in age, they enjoy similar activities. My oldest is more relaxed, my second is a little more sensitive, but both of them stepped into their roles as older sibling quite well. Of course there are rough patches in our family, but all in all, I really enjoy our child spacing. #1 was just a super big brother. #2 had a little more trouble when #3 arrived, but I was able to tandem nurse #2 & #3, which really helped. And I'm still tandem nursing them 22 months later...

Oh, and I should also add that my #2 sounds a lot like your oldest... she never took a bottle (actually, none of my kids did), she still doesn't sleep through the night at age 3.75, and had some problems with separation. But most of that didn't affect her ability to accept her new baby sister. She nursed alongside her sister, she woke up in the middle of the night with her sister, and her separation anxiety has actually gotten better.... the only place we regularly leave our kids is in the church nursery on Sunday morning. Child #2 enjoyed the nursery MORE after #3 was born, because then she got to go with her sister and wasn't alone.

 

[cmb123]

All of my kids are exactly 2 years apart and I love it. Very lucky for me, but I never had sibling issues. My oldest was thrilled when her little brother was born (she was 22 months) and never had jealous moment- then the 2 of them were thrilled when their little sister was born (now that she's 5 she drives them nuts though

).
I'm all for getting it out of the way. It was soooo nice this summer when we could go out to the pool, or the beach and we could ALL play, not the older 2, and me holding a baby. The diapers are long over with- nobody is nursing anymore. It's so much fun.

 

[Alkenny]

There are 27 months between my first two and 100 months (don't bother with the math, it's 8 1/2 YEARS) between my second and third.

I

the spacing with the babe, but because I can devote so much attention to him plus I get ALOT of help with the older two being so much older.

I enjoy it more than I did with the older two's spacing (those days are a blur to me), but it also took some getting used to...carseats, diaper bags, hauling gear all over and a whiny toddler to school functions and sporting events is a "trip" now.

 

[johub]

Lish,

Isnt it funny how life works. I had the exact opposite experience! My oldest is 10 years older than my 2nd. And after my 2nd was born I swore I wouldnt do that again (the only child thing) and decided to have my next child as soon as it happenned. Now I have three 3 and under, and they all play together all day. Whereas my oldest child never learned to occupy herself. (at 13 she still isnt so good at it)

 

[Lula's Mom]

I'd love to have at least 3 kids. I can't imagine being done with our family yet. But I am going to wait until my 2nd is at least 2 before I get pregnant. I want him to have a full two years of breastfeeding without a reduction in my supply, which I did experience last time around.

My daughter nursed through it and we are now tandem nursing, but she was 2.5 when I got pregnant. I would feel like I was depriving my baby of milk he needs and deserves if I got pregnant before he was 2, and lost my milk again.

And... while I generally enjoy tandem nursing and I think it made for an awesome transition for my older child (no jealousy! no tantrums! no regression!

), I'm not sure I am up for nursing 3 children at once! So it would be better if dd decides she is weaned before I go for the third one.

 

[Alkenny]

Quote:

Originally Posted by johub Lish, Isnt it funny how life works. I had the exact opposite experience! My oldest is 10 years older than my 2nd. And after my 2nd was born I swore I wouldnt do that again (the only child thing) and decided to have my next child as soon as it happenned. Now I have three 3 and under, and they all play together all day. Whereas my oldest child never learned to occupy herself. (at 13 she still isnt so good at it)

Yep, every experience is unique!

 

[johub]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lula's Mom I'm not sure I am up for nursing 3 children at once! So it would be better if dd decides she is weaned before I go for the third one.

You never know, it could happen anyway! LoL
I was nursing ds when I got pg. I had planned on tandeming. Then I had twins. So I tandemed anyway.

 

[Lula's Mom]

Get away from me with your Multiples vibe! I am not Supermom!

 

[mommyofshmoo]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alkenny Yep, every experience is unique!

I also think that every sibling pair is unique. I think people chalk uphow kids get along to birth order or spacing, when offen it's all about personality. The younger of my 3 bro's is 8 years younger than me. When we both lived at home he was a "baby" to me, but as adults we get along better than either of us do with the middle child.

As kids I got along with both my brothers, but my brothers did not get along with echother. We were all four years apart.

As adults I realize that Db#2 is a lot like my mom, and db#1 is like my mm... Lots of food for thought.

 

[Alkenny]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommyofshmoo I also think that every sibling pair is unique. I think people chalk uphow kids get along to birth order or spacing, when offen it's all about personality. The younger of my 3 bro's is 8 years younger than me. When we both lived at home he was a "baby" to me, but as adults we get along better than either of us do with the middle child. As kids I got along with both my brothers, but my brothers did not get along with echother. We were all four years apart. As adults I realize that Db#2 is a lot like my mom, and db#1 is like my mm... Lots of food for thought.

Very true!