Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 33 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,479 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I thought about this from a "<a href="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?p=11576387#post11576387" target="_blank">vent post</a>" I wrote earlier. I didn't go into detail about this part of the b-day party that we experienced....Children being told that "it's all about child X on his birthday." This includes the child himself being told this. That "gifts are on their way." The child being allowed to ask guests where their presents are. Not having to share a toy b/c it's their new toy.....and more.<br><br>
I can understand that some children do/ask these things without the parent "allowing" it b/c it's the start of a phase or unplanned but...some parents can just lead the child to the greed/selfishness by statements like I heard today.<br><br>
I didn't enjoy this type of party and wouldn't tell any of my children any of the above statements. I wonder if I'm being overly sensitive or an odd-ball. What is your approach to children's b-day parties when the issue of presents opening, sharing, etc. come up in childish ways?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,737 Posts
I think that when you're a guest, you need to get over the idea that another person's party should be run your way. Especially when you know how the parents parent, if you cannot stand to be around it without condemning a 5 year old child to a lifetime of 'selfishness' because he didn't want to share his new birthday present...then I'd say that you're not doing anyone a favor by accepting an invitation and then expecting the people issuing it to be radically different just because there are balloons and cake involved.<br><br>
That being said...<br><br>
If your child tends to get distressed if other kids want to play with the birthday presents...then don't open them until after the party. (Of course, then you will have some people who get mightly offended that you don't.) If you're going to have a bunch of kids running through the house and your kid has special toys that you can anticipate there being a problem with--put those away shortly before the party and get them out afterwards. You could spend the time chiding your child for behaving in a way that you know s/he's probably going to behave...or you can make life a little easier for yourself and your kid. I guess some people would choose the former to make a point, but me personally I'd choose the latter. The best part is that then people who would be inclined to be horrified won't even know, so you can avoid offending their sensibilities while retaining your sanity. Win-win situation.<br><br>
You can have the child perform age appropriate host duties. Such as...handing out goody bags, if any, at the end of the party with a "thank you for coming". Or getting to open the door for people when they arrive, saying "Come on in!" A five (or even six and maybe seven) year old does not have much in the way of thought editing for social propriety. I am not shocked and appalled with one of mine says something a bit uncouth, I just gently correct it with a smile to the other parent (who hopefully isn't automatically judging me as raising Simon Cowell on steroids). Unfortunately, that's not going to please everyone either, particularly if they think that my child is defective if they even emit those words in the first place.<br><br>
Tussles I'd handle at a party exactly like I would at any other time. Most other parents will do the same, so expecting a different response from any given parent in a party situation (which can be a bit stressful, even if they don't show it) is an exercise in futility, IMO.<br><br>
A child's birthday celebration IS all about them. You didn't just invite a bunch of people over to your house and then say offhand "Oh by the way, it's my kid's brithday". Is a graduation party not about celebrating someone's specific accomplishment of graduating? An anniversary party not the celebration of managing to stay hitched for X amount of years? True, being born is not that much of an accomplishment for most kids themselves, but it's a celebration of their existance. Not sure what the big problem is with that. It's perfectly logical from a child's point of view, and I'm not sure that you can expect a child not to behave like themselves (being a child) in a situation that they're probably already extremely stimulated and have been looking forward to. If it was a party given just to party, it would be a dinner party or a just because party, or a general holiday party, or a let's get together type of thing.<br><br>
And if you already KNOW how a parent tends to parent/act then why in the world would you expect anything different at a party? They're not doing things differently to rub it in your face. That's just who they are. Either you can laugh it off, grin and bear it, roll your eyes when they're not looking, ect...but if you can't let it go and it eats you up to see that type of expected behavior then do everyone a favor and stay home.<br><br>
You're not an "oddball" any more than the person you're insinuating is an "oddball". You're just obviously very different people. You know it. Unless they're stupid I'd venture to guess they know it too. Don't accept invitations from people who annoy you--or only do so with the internal acknowledgement that they're probably going to be their same old annoying selves during the party too. It will save you energy from being offended. Because if this mom is as selfish and clueless as you make her out to be in your posts, then she probably isn't wasting much thought on your sensibilities and expectations.<br><br>
So when I'm a host, I do the best I can to through an enjoyable party. I have stricter behavior standards for my kids than most folks I know. However, when I receive an invitation to someone else's party, I accept with the understanding that if I go that I am accepting them for who they are where they are, so that I can just enjoy them. If I can't do that for whatever reason, I decline politely. No harm, no foul, no problem.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,479 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Tigerchild</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11577080"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">if you cannot stand to be around it without condemning a 5 year old child to a lifetime of 'selfishness' because he didn't want to share his new birthday present...then I'd say that you're not doing anyone a favor by accepting an invitation and then expecting the people issuing it to be radically different just because there are balloons and cake involved.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
not condemning a child...I'm asking about what other parents <i>tell</i> their children. For instance, do you sit at the party and/or before the party and say this is all about you and people are going to bring you presents? Or is it something more like, it's okay to share your new toy, SoandSo brought it for you to enjoy, can he enjoy if for a minute too while you open this?<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">A child's birthday celebration IS all about them. You didn't just invite a bunch of people over to your house and then say offhand "Oh by the way, it's my kid's brithday". Is a graduation party not about celebrating someone's specific accomplishment of graduating? An anniversary party not the celebration of managing to stay hitched for X amount of years? True, being born is not that much of an accomplishment for most kids themselves, but it's a celebration of their existance. Not sure what the big problem is with that. It's perfectly logical from a child's point of view, and I'm not sure that you can expect a child not to behave like themselves (being a child) in a situation that they're probably already extremely stimulated and have been looking forward to. If it was a party given just to party, it would be a dinner party or a just because party, or a general holiday party, or a let's get together type of thing.</td>
</tr></table></div>
Right, the party is all about the child and that is the way most children act so do we as parents need to enforce it with statements to that effect so that it continues and then at a particular age they can just magically not have that type of attitude anymore?<br><br>
Everyone knows it's about the birthday boy, that's why we bring gifts, but I have also had friends not bring gifts (b/c it was their choice or I told them to come anyway b/c of financial issues. I wouldn't want my DC walking up to the person w/ financial issues asking 'where's my gift' so I might tell him that parties are about people and not gifts, don't expect them...and I might say that before the party and/or during it if it came up them. It just seems to me that if we 'grow' them that way, it won't just go away, it will become a part of the personality rather than what might have been a 'childish act.'<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">And if you already KNOW how a parent tends to parent/act then why in the world would you expect anything different at a party? They're not doing things differently to rub it in your face. That's just who they are. Either you can laugh it off, grin and bear it, roll your eyes when they're not looking, ect...but if you can't let it go and it eats you up to see that type of expected behavior then do everyone a favor and stay home.</td>
</tr></table></div>
I was annoyed at the behavior b/c of a compilation of things. I wrote this post to see what other parents thought about encouraging "not sharing" and "a me me me" attitude at a birthday party no matter what age. BTW, last year her DS wouldn't have had a b-day party if we didn't show up b/c no one else did. So whether I come home and type this or not, I am doing the mother a favor by making happen what she wants for her kids....a party. I haven't had any type of attitude toward her about this b/c it is the norm for her....just a little annoyed and once again, wanted to know what if other parents encourage the same type of behavior. By encourage I mean even permitting the behavior without explaining to the child a "better way."[/QUOTE]<br><br>
The boy is 5.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,479 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
BTW, One of my biggest questions was the statement of a parent saying, "Your gifts are on the way."<br><br>
What does this portray to a child...Gifts are not on their way, people are. It just seems so "bad" for a lack of another word, to impress this on a child. And as a guest standing there, it certainly doesn't make me feel like a "friend."<br><br>
This thread is not directed towards the way a child acts at a party as it is directed towards a parents involvement/reaction in teaching a child.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,737 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>janasmama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11577301"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">BTW, last year her DS wouldn't have had a b-day party if we didn't show up b/c no one else did. So whether I come home and type this or not, I am doing the mother a favor by making happen what she wants for her kids....a party. I haven't had any type of attitude toward her about this b/c it is the norm for her....just a little annoyed and once again, wanted to know what if other parents encourage the same type of behavior. By encourage I mean even permitting the behavior without explaining to the child a "better way."</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
You're not doing her much of a favor, and most people don't hide an attitude like the one you've displayed towards this individual person as well as they think they do. You've vented about whether or not she chooses to hold a party in the first place (poor people can't throw birthday parties I guess), you don't seem to like mother or child very much, and you seem to think that they should be grateful to you for attending. That's not exactly the proper attitude for a guest to take, if we're going to be technical here.<br><br>
You don't like this person (or you really come across this way). I'm going to guess it is NOT just because of two incidences of birthday party behavior. I don't know how many children's birthday parties you've been to, but really it's not uncommon for kids to act a little more bratty than usual. If you've got a parent that tolerates that or is willing to be a little more understanding than you think you would be or for whatever reason is incapable of seeing that...I'm sorry, but that's fairly evident if you at all know someone prior to the party.<br><br>
Have you been to other birthday parties other than the one this lady has thrown? Are they all the same? I get the impression since you seem to have a big problem with her (vs. saying that geez, every birthday party you've been to is a gimme-fest), that she is the worst offender that you've seen (and apparently a habitual one). So asking if this is 'normal' seems a bit facetious to me. Are you looking for support in thinking that the kid is a brat and it's all his parents' fault? Well, who knows you could be right.<br><br>
But what's the use of that? If you know the kid behaves badly at parties and the mother doesn't act in a way that you approve of, then don't go. Or if you do, realize that it's not compulsory and you're volunteering to put yourself and your DD in that situation.<br><br>
People are very strange. How they parent is no different. If for some reason you didn't know that this child behaved like this before, now you do. Again, I have a different standard of behavior in my home...but that's it. In my home. I'm able to have fun and be relaxed in other situations because as much as it irritates me, I know that most other people don't have my exact standards--or if there's someone who I just find completely unbearable I take responsibility for my feeling that way and don't accept their invites.<br><br>
Trying to rescue someone tends to be more for the rescuer's ego than the rescuee. If the only reason why you accept an invite is a mercy one, and then you turn around and get irritated because the person doesn't meet your standard of gratitude for your presence then yeah...that's being a bit unreasonable.<br><br>
So is extrapolating an individual person's behavior to birthday parties in general. Though I dunno, maybe you've just not seen the broad scope of birthday parties? I've seen behavior (on the part of children and parents) that would make your "friend" look like Emily Post. As well as such formality and attention to manners that it was almost creepy (to me at least). But either extreme isn't the usual, most are on a continuum between the two. I've also seen overwhelmed behavior from children who are normally very mannerly, and parents getting snappy with the kids over that. As well as parents who turn birthday party throwing into a competative sport (though IME a lot of times it's because they really had some disappointments earlier in life and they don't want their kids to experience that).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,479 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Tigerchild- you may be taking this a bit more personally than I meant. And I believe you are assuming a lot about me and my attitude and what I expect. I didn't expect any gratitude, if that is what my post represents then I wasn't clear. Or maybe I'm doing my own assuming that if a mother hypes a child up for a b-day party and no one showed up that the child might be disappointed. Which is my case with me and my kids being the only ones attending.<br><br>
Again, I'm not looking at the child...but you continue to say that I want support in calling the child bratty.<br><br>
You continue to miss the point and argue where and who I should be with or how I need to change when I am simply asking how do other parents "set their children up" for b-day parties on the topics of sharing, expecting gifts, etc. Do you or don't you...what do you say to them as they grow?<br><br>
You have no idea the relationship I have with this person so please stop attacking me and stay on topic.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
12,445 Posts
do I tell my kids that birthdays are "about them"? No, I would find that absurd. Birthdays are a day to celebrate with people you like. Part of that celebration includes presents. But the birthday child IS the focus, and I'm not going to pretend they're not. Your little one is too little for this to be an issue, but it's a 'problem' for siblings as well when it's another sibling's birthday.<br><br>
That being said, I would not be shocked by ANY 5 year old who:<br>
1. Asked a guest "did you bring me a present?" or "where's my present?"<br>
2. A 5 year old who had an attack of "don't play with my stuff"<br>
3. A 5 year old who put their presents aside so other kids couldn't touch them.<br><br>
That's relatively run of the mill behavior. If my kids ask about presents, I remind them gently that presents are something freely given, and we don't ask for them. (But usually my kids are much more excited to see their friends, so that's not been a big issue at any party we've hosted or been to!)<br><br>
We usually set up our parties so that special toys are out of the way, and that there are focused activities for the kids to choose from. That really prevents tussles over toys, but I wouldn't be flabbergasted if that happened. I'd deal like it as if it were a playdate.<br><br>
I have rarely been to a birthday party where the birthday child opens up the presents and then lets the other kids play with them! I am somewhat surprised that you were annoyed that their child set the toys aside where other kids couldn't touch them. Those ARE special things and the child has a right to open them when and where they want to.<br><br>
All in all it sounds like the party could have been better organized. The mother could possibly direct her children more effectively.<br><br>
To me, this sounds more than an issue with 'birthday etiquette'. It sounds like you don't like this mom, her parenting, or her values about 'things', and you're annoyed with the fact that she doesn't guide her kids in an effective way.<br><br>
You can't have it both ways. You can either go to the party knowing that you're going to hate it (and then be quiet about it), or quit letting yourself be guilted into going.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
132 Posts
Honestly, yes. I let my kid be a little selfish on his birthday. I do it for the rest of my family as well. We have a tradition in our house - on your birthday everyone else serves you. It sounds weird, but it's really just light-hearted good fun and makes the birthday person feel special. We started it a long time ago when DH and I were really broke and couldn't afford to buy gifts for each other, and it just sort of stuck. But that's just us around the house.<br><br>
At bday parties my son has always seemed appreciative and says thank you for gifts. We've tried to teach him to share, and be respectful and kind to his friends. For the most part I've been extremely proud of his behavior. Now having said that, I would not expect him to share a newly opened present. The same goes if it were the other way around and he wanted to play with another child's gift. I would explain it's their new toy so he should give them time to enjoy it. They are kids, it's their birthday and they're <i>excited</i>. I don't think it's fair to ask them to hand over gifts they've just opened. I understand some parents feel differently and that's fine too.<br><br>
I don't feel like I'm breeding selfishness in my son. I'm just letting him enjoy <i>his</i> party, same as I would any child on their birthday. Isn't that the point anyway? As long as no one's feelings are hurt and everyone has a good time, I see nothing wrong with a little self-centered attention once a year.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,228 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>janasmama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11577301"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I wrote this post to see what other parents thought about encouraging "not sharing" and "a me me me" attitude at a birthday party no matter what age. BTW, last year her DS wouldn't have had a b-day party if we didn't show up b/c no one else did. So whether I come home and type this or not, I am doing the mother a favor by making happen what she wants for her kids....a party. I haven't had any type of attitude toward her about this b/c it is the norm for her....just a little annoyed and once again, wanted to know what if other parents encourage the same type of behavior. By encourage I mean even permitting the behavior without explaining to the child a "better way."</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I would have been annoyed too but I also would have chalked it up to birthday behaviour. Some children are usually over excited, over stimulated and stressed which results in less than polite behaviour at birthday parties.<br><br>
As the mothe rof a birthday child I usually try to set it up waaaay in advance that it's not about getting gifts or being selfish but that the point of birthday parties is having friends we care about around us to celebrate our special day. It was my daughter's 5th birthday last week in fact and we had a party for 20 children. She did amazingly well and there wasn't any issues with behaviour.<br>
A part of that was setting her and the party up for success. How the day is run make a HUGE difference in how the kids react. I always try to make the party a reasonable length of time, work in quiet/rest periods so that it's not all stimulate stimulate, have non competitive activities and open gifts after the guests have left. We also make a big a point of putting together party bags and talking about how they are meant as a thank you for the people who have come to be with us.<br><br>
However, she is a 5 year old and after the party asked many many times about the gifts and when could we open them. She even had a couple of gifts that she said she wouldn't share with anyone. I told her that she didn't have to share things that were new and exciting to her but she'd have to think of ways of doing that that were not hurtful to friends i.e. explain it's just while it's new and offer use of anything else or some other thing she loves.<br><br>
Birthday parties can really be a minefield!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,752 Posts
That is annoying and could be upsetting for the guest kids b'c when a person goes to another person's birthday (adult or child) the guest wants to feel as if the birthday person is happy that the guest came to share their day with them - not just "hi, what'd you bring and where is it and NO you can't touch it b'c it's MY bday!".<br><br>
I get what you're saying and I don't intend to explain to my kids that birthdays are about a gift. Altho I will help them feel special and celebratory on their bday. I also intend to explain that birthdays are for sharing happy times with friends... gifts are just a bonus that you get to share WITH those friends. It's a wonderful idea to give the bday kid giftbags to give all of the guest-kids who came to share their special day, having the bday kid included in choosing the giftbag goodies, & having bday kid pass them out, is a great way to instill the giving/sharing part of their bday within their character.<br><br>
I have been to many kids parties where the kids open the giftbags together (including the bday kid) and then they all play with those toys but then save the wrapped gifts until later when all of the chaos is gone. Meaning after the guests go home.<br><br>
**sidenote** A neighbor kid ran up to me once in my old apt complex (his mom & i were acquaintances/lowkey friends), he was turning nine, and he yelled to me "hey! YOU didn't bring my presents yet... you can come over tonight to give me it b'c my mom said its okay." Kind of caught me offguard but their window was open and his mother heard his demand and yelled out the window to him that that is a surefire way to NOT get a gift from someone and she gave me a wink. He got very bashful then and said "sorry, do you know I'm nine now?" Super cute. I did go home and bunch up some unused art supplies and gave it to him, which he loved.<br><br>
I think kids need to learn how to deal with emotions such as excitement and exclusivity from having their birthday, etc. and teaching them to be self-centered might not be such a great outlet for that excitement energy.<br><br>
But, I'm not even pg yet... so for certain allll of my ideas will change when I become a parent. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
663 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"><br><br>
I got the same vibe as t-child did from your threads. Her posts sounded honest, not attacking....maybe an opportunity for self-reflection, rather than defensiveness....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,479 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mlec</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11581549"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"><br><br>
I got the same vibe as t-child did from your threads. Her posts sounded honest, not attacking....maybe an opportunity for self-reflection, rather than defensiveness....</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
That's great but I wasn't asking for anyone to help me self-reflect. Like I said, I was limiting this to what parents encouraged themselves at b-day parties. I would have to give you a lot more information about my friend and our relationship if you were to make any assumptions...<br><br>
but that's cool, thanks for your input. The reality is that my friend is a sucker, she sucks everything from everyone, honestly, she never makes any good financial decisions so she is always in need (like she'll spend $700 in 4 days travelling to a camping location but then can't pay rent the next week.) I have always been supportive to her, even when her boyfriend is abusive and she chooses to stay with him. I didn't let up to her my attitude about this particular b-day situation like T-child thinks I did and I have been a great person in her life....not b/c I'm a wonderful person, but b/c God has put it on my heart to be there for her when no one else is.<br><br>
So I vented...big deal.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,560 Posts
You're asking what the parents' reaction should be, is that right? When a newly 5 year old acts very newly 5 at a stressful event like their birthday party?<br><br>
I rarely correct my children in front of others. I'd most likely just reflect their feelings in a more socially appropriate way.<br><br>
janasmama "BTW, One of my biggest questions was the statement of a parent saying, "Your gifts are on the way." "<br><br>
Wouldn't bug me. At just 5, the presents just blow their little minds.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,479 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>chfriend</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11582127"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I rarely correct my children in front of others. I'd most likely just reflect their feelings in a more socially appropriate way.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I rarely correct my children in front of eithers either, we probably do this for the same reason.So what would a more socially appropriate way to be?<br><br>
number572 said- That is annoying and could be upsetting for the guest kids b'c when a person goes to another person's birthday (adult or child) <b>the guest wants to feel as if the birthday person is happy that the guest came to share their day with them</b> - not just "hi, what'd you bring and where is it and NO you can't touch it b'c it's MY bday!".<br><br>
Being socially appropriate should include everyone in the social circle, right?<br>
Could a parent even speak for the child? Maybe say how excited he is and what we are learning....<br><br>
I know that adults know this stuff about kids but sometimes I feel that the parents response reflects even the parents attitude so in cases where my children is acting out of the ordinary is a time when I might "apologize" in so many words. (and I use the term apologize loosely)<br><br>
I mean, me and my husband, or just me, didn't take 3+ hours out of our Saturday to bring a kid a gift...that's not what it should be about. What if we didn't bring a gift? Children are smart, and even young ones can feel 'left out' or 'used.' Shouldn't we make our child's guests feel comfortable?<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>chfriend</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11582127"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">janasmama "BTW, One of my biggest questions was the statement of a parent saying, "Your gifts are on the way." "<br><br>
Wouldn't bug me. At just 5, the presents just blow their little minds.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Sure it blows their minds...opening presents is exciting even as an adult! But for a parent to say "your gifts are on the way" and focus the celebration on <i>things</i> instead of the child or guests is absurd. I feel that teaches all the morals/values that stand against natural family living/ AP /, etc., etc.<br><br>
Once again, of course the child will say something about presents, etc....it's the way kids are. I don't believe that children are inherently good or honest (but that's a whole nother topic so let's not start that here. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin">) IMO they have to be taught, so is 5 too early to teach a child about caring for the company of people more than things?<br><br>
I mean if there weren't the people who cared about them to begin with in the first place, there would be no gifts.<br><br>
This doesn't mean we have to deprive them of presents, can't it be done symbiotically...allowing them to be celebrated and receive gifts, but not be encouraged to focus on the materialistic aspect of it?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
73 Posts
Janasmama, after rereading your original post (after reading the thread), I must say I think you may have touched a nerve or something. I really think you should be allowed to vent here with out such a severe reaction. I also think you brought up a good topic (for me who is planning my ds's fifth party). It reminds me to talk up good will towards our party guests. However, I am fully prepared for a freakout and hope to remain a picture of calm while defusing the situation when the day is here. As much as we try not to judge people, sometimes when we see a child caught up in his mama's drama, it is sad. Perhaps this is what is happening with your friend...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,479 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I think you are totally right about the "mama drama" thing. Actually, you nailed it.<br><br>
I'm sure you'll do wonderful. And when you are the picture of calm during the freak out incident, all the parents will think you have yourself so together. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> I'm LOL b/c I will think in advance about how I will handle things or I know that inside I'm sweating, yet ppl say I'm so calm.<br><br>
I also agree that when we do something out of the ordinary, like have a b-day party focused on our child, it is important to prep them for a few days in advance, whether it be about sharing toys in the room or whatever we anticipate to be needed. A houseful of people isn't something that should be thrown on a kid w/o them having some kind of mental/emotional preparation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
217 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>number572</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11579058"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">That is annoying and could be upsetting for the guest kids b'c when a person goes to another person's birthday (adult or child) the guest wants to feel as if the birthday person is happy that the guest came to share their day with them - not just "hi, what'd you bring and where is it and NO you can't touch it b'c it's MY bday!".</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
I agree with this... although I have to say that, when we're the guests, I make sure my daughter (almost 4) steers clear of the toys that the birthday child just unwrapped- those are special to the birthday child, and there are always plenty of other regular toys out for the guests to check out. So what kind of ogre would I be if I didn't, once a year, let her keep her *own* new birthday toys to herself for a few minutes, so she can have first crack at trying them out?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,196 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>janasmama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/11577891"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I am simply asking how do other parents "set their children up" for b-day parties on the topics of sharing, expecting gifts, etc. Do you or don't you...what do you say to them as they grow?<br>
.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
OK, here goes.<br><br>
I don't tell my kids that they will have to share their new b'day presents with the other kids. If I go to a party, I don't expect my kid to play with the b'day child's presents. They might go to look at it, but if I see that the b'day child is uncomfortable with that, I will move in and reassure the b'day child that we're not going to touch.<br><br>
I don't think it is reasonable to expect a just 5 yo to 'share' his new toys. I don't expect my kids to want him to either.<br><br>
Yes, I talk to my kids about how it's the company we are looking forward to, etc etc. But I am under no illusions that my 5 yo is excited about gifts. She loves taking gifts to others, she loves watching them unwrap them, but most of all, she likes receiving them. I don't think she'd say 'where's my gift', but she might well make it clear she's very much hoping for one. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
I do think your expectations of a 5 yo are too much. I also feel very sad that this little boy only had one guest show up for his birthday. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,283 Posts
This past Monday my dd had a sleep over birthday party. She turned 8. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">: Since it was a sleep over, I told her we could only invite 3 friends. Friend #1 didn't show (which was really sad, if I had known I would have invited another friend, plus it's not like this family to miss an event and not show). Friends #2 & #3 are twins. My dd is best friends with one of them, (friends with both, but the twins are very different, and dd has gotten very close with the one).<br><br>
So when they got there they saw some of our decorations, and the Dad was embarrassed (single dad) he didn't realize that I had invited the girls to a birthday party. He said something about not having a gift. My dd said something like "That's OKAY, I got my friends" and started hugging the girls.<br><br>
Thing is, I didn't buy my dd a present this year for her birthday. My brother and I took her to her favorite amusement park the day after her party. She got a card with money from my Dad.<br><br>
So last night (Saturday) were in the car and dd says "Mom do you realize I didn't open any presents this year for my Birthday?". I asked her if that made her sad and she said "No I just thought that was weird".<br><br>
I would have totally understood if my dd had been disappointed by no opening presents on her birthday, but she handled it with so much class, I just wanted to eat her up.<br><br>
But I think it has something to do with how we have celebrated birthdays in the past. It has been more about the celebration with friends. Dd is always very excited to have her friends to the house each year, cause she's missed them from not being in school. One year I thought we wouldn't be able to have a party, and our situation changed. So I called a bunch of Mama's and said no presents (there wasn't enough time for that), and it was just like one big play date.<br><br>
We've talked a lot about how Christmas isn't about presents, had conversations about presents and how to say thank you when somebody gives you a present, and talked about how just because it's your birthday/christmas doesn't mean you get presents.<br><br>
I would let it go if I was at a 5yr's party and they asked where is my present, what did you give me, or didn't want to share. But that wouldn't fly in my house. I wouldn't punish, but there would be a conversation about why we don't act like that.
 
1 - 20 of 33 Posts
Top