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I don't really have any advice to offer. Just wanted to give you a <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s sorry I am not good at giving marital advice but offer you many many <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s!
 

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It sounds like you could really use some counselling to figure out your motivations and feelings about him. It sounds like you really don`t like yourself <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lovin'leo</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14729357"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">You're right, I don't.<br><br>
I've been trying to find someone, but I don't know if psychologists are covered (no idea how to find out, either) & psychiatrists are thin on the ground.<br><br>
Personally, I think he needs one too. "Falling in love" with 2 women in less than a year, after talking to each only 2 weeks or less seems really unhealthy to me.</div>
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Yeah but honestly Mama? He's probably desperate for love, attention and affection and that's why he "falls in love" so quickly. I don't blame him at all. I would get ye to a counselor as quickly as possible - I really think you should have started going the minute having relations started feeling like incest to you. That is not right, and you really need to have a professional help you with those feelings.<br><br>
Good luck <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Krisis</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14729587"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Yeah but honestly Mama? He's probably desperate for love, attention and affection and that's why he "falls in love" so quickly. I don't blame him at all. I would get ye to a counselor as quickly as possible - I really think you should have started going the minute having relations started feeling like incest to you. That is not right, and you really need to have a professional help you with those feelings.<br><br>
Good luck <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"></div>
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i agree. he needs love and attention in his life...we all crave and need it. when we don't get it, it is easier to fall into love or lust with someone who fills that void. i suggest counseling as well for both of you to figure out where you stand with eachother and if feelings are still there. also; just for eachother on an individual basis.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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How have you been battling your depression? Meds? Journaling? Exercise?<br>
If not for his sake, and if you don't love yourself enough yet to do it for your sake, do it for your kids. You NEED to get your depression under control. If you broke your leg you wouldn't be hobbling around with it for 20 years saying you've been battling it, would you?<br>
I'm speaking as someone who has BTDT. Nothing that is going on with him matters until you can get yourself taken care of.
 

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I agree with the PP's - any way to get counseling for you is crucial. There are some free services available. We have pretty much an open marriage but I could not imagine it working without communication - it would tear us both apart. I urge you to get some help, darling, not for your marriage necessarily but for you. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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It sounds like the marriage is over, though you will always be co=parents. I would not try to hang on to this situation w/your husband. Just try creating as harmonious a coparenting situation as possible. Your and your husband's frankness and honesty for the most part ... that says to me that you will navigate that part OK.<br><br>
As for the next step .. definately look into what you mean by "I don't know if I have ever loved anyone." Until you understand what this means for you and what the implications are ... only then can you really know how to live your life.<br><br>
Not everyone is destined to be part of a deep, committed relationship w/a partner. Your life seems full with children and some casual flirting. That can be enough. Or, perhaps, there are walls of fear that have prevented you from really being intimate w/someone. Or, perhaps you are drawn to people that are not wholesome and once you find someone who is more right for you ... perhaps then you can love.<br><br>
Liz
 

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it took me seven years to work up the courage to leave my first husband. he was a very nice person but we hadn't had sex for 4 years when i finally left because it just felt wrong to me.. kind of like what you said.<br>
fortunately we had not had kids or bought a house together or anything irrevocable.<br>
i am sad that your kids will be affected by this... and they will. but. i don't think it will ever get any better. do you want your kids growing up thinking this is what a loving marriage is? no physical affection between you ever? no.<br>
i know it will be hard but the best thing you can do is separate. if he is trustworthy and a good person share custody and split the time up equally. trust me they will be much happier IN THE LONG RUN if they have a happy dad and happy mom who are not together.<br>
also you never know. i am now married to the love of my life. how do i know? i still after 3 kids and 13 years love the intimate part of marriage with him. that is how i know marriage # 1 with no intimacy for years is just not normal. at all. and i know no matter how upset we can be with each other etc we are not going anywhere because we have that connection.<br>
i hope i didn't come across badly but as a child of divorce (when i was 6) and having had a divorce this is the best advice i could think of...<br>
angela
 

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I really feel like you are depressed and that this has persisted for so long that it has eroded your relationship with your husband. I would suggest going for a complete physical and evaluation for depression. Also, I would suggest saying to your husband (if you believe this, of course) "I know things have not been right between us for a while. I want to see if there is something I can do to help myself feel better. I don't know what I want right now, but I am hoping you can hold on for a while longer to see if we can work this out."<br><br>
I think you should not make big marriage-ending decisions until you are being properly treated.
 

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Change is often difficult, even if it's change that you ultimately think is the right thing. I think a big part of the problem is maybe not so much that he's moving on, but that he's doing it right in your face.<br><br>
Is it financially feasible to be separated, even on a trial basis? That way, you can work on yourself and what you need/want from life without constantly being confronted with whatever he's doing, which is sure to generate confusing emotions.<br><br>
It doesn't have to mean he's abandoning the kids - and if he's really your friend, you can be good co-parents. Maybe having space from each other will help you to look at the whole picture in a much healthier way.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lovin'leo</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14740756"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I was ok with that at first, but now that I've been living this, if it has to be over, I want it *over*. The constant writing to her, the calling her, the spending the weekend with her in a few weeks, leaving me to deal with the kids wondering why their dad is gone for the first time in their lives....I'm getting very, very angry & having the occasional very vindictive thought.<br><br>
He's all happy & excited & says he's sorry to hurt me, & I'm stuck feeling like I'm going to be alone forever now.</div>
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Yeah, I don't care how crappy the relationship has been- but if my partner did this, he would leave and freturn to find a key to the storage unit holding his stuff. Leaving you holding the bag with the kids is unfair. Doing this at all is unfair if you've voiced that you aren't happy with it. I understand that open relationships work for some people, but they don't work for me, and they don't work when the core relationship isn't strong to begin with.<br><br>
If he really wants to move on, he needs to do so.. not drag it out.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lovin'leo</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14736302"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Feeling incredibly down today. Still not sure why. Wished for years he'd find someone else, I should be happy, right?<br><br>
Maybe it's just I have virtually no one to talk to & he spends most of his time talking to several people, including her?</div>
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I feel so bad for you. I knew a person who had this problem- she liked a guy until he liked her and then she pushed him away. It's like "you must not be so cool or worthy of respect if you actually like me" It is so sad that you can't accept the love. I really think on some level you do love him- you're just so out-of-touch with these feelings that you can't recognize them except in the way you respond to him in these situations. You are so filled with self-loathing. I'm so sorry you feel so broken, that nothing has worked for you. I sure wish I could lift you out of this fog of confusion and make you know that you are so worthwhile, that your life has meaning and purpose, that you are loved. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I can't stop wondering if you were the victim of abuse when you were younger...
 
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