Mothering Forum banner

1 - 17 of 17 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,943 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So, what book would you recommend for somebody who wants a concrete plan to stop spanking?? I lent her my "Adventures in Gentle Discipline", but she says she needs something more concrete. I think all of the books I have talk about why you shouldn't spank, but none really are 10-steps to stop spanking-type books, KWIM? I don't even know that there are any out there. I recommended the GD board as well as telling her that she can always call me before she spanks (or after) and we can brainstorm other ways to handle the situation.<br><br>
I'm happy that my friend wants to stop... and I guess I just want to give her all the tools I can think of.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19 Posts
I saw a book the other night that was actually called something like how to discipline without spanking or yelling. I didn't look at it so I don't really know much about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
475 Posts
1. Just stop spanking.<br>
Even if all -ell breaks loose and she feels like they are taking over the house. Even if she has to leave the room and they are drawing with pens on the wall. Don't spank, just watch, be as detached as possible. Get the idea that punishment or discipline are necessary at this very moment or all is lost OUT of her head. The truth is even if they "get away with" a bit of misbehavior as she figures out what to try next they are still better off than if she continues spanking.<br><br>
2. Think about the kinds of things they USED TO get spankings for and what other methods of discipline might work.<br><br>
3. Start trying the new methods and trying and trying and some will work and some won't and that's what parenting is. Spanking didn't work either every time the first time. It just stops some behaviors for the short term. There's no magic formula-- just trial and error and repeat.<br><br><br>
There- that's my 3 step program. Stop, think, try something else. And repeat.<br>
and repeat<br>
and repeat.<br><br>
I also like <i>Positive Discipline</i> for its description of real and logical consequences, family counsels, reasons for misbehavior and all that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,897 Posts
Anthony Wolf's "The Secret of Parenting: How to be in charge of today's kids without threats or punishments" would probably be a great place to start. It has practical advice and "scripts" for various situations you may encounter with your kids. I also think his explanations of the why's behind why some kids do the things they do can resonate with someone coming from a mainstream authoritarian background. I think it's a GREAT stepping stone from punitive to gentle parenting.<br><br>
Kudos to your friend for making the decision to stop, and for you for making yourself available to her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,493 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>The4OfUs</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8204731"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Anthony Wolf's "The Secret of Parenting: How to be in charge of today's kids without threats or punishments" would probably be a great place to start. It has practical advice and "scripts" for various situations you may encounter with your kids. I also think his explanations of the why's behind why some kids do the things they do can resonate with someone coming from a mainstream authoritarian background. I think it's a GREAT stepping stone from punitive to gentle parenting.<br><br>
Kudos to your friend for making the decision to stop, and for you for making yourself available to her.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<br>
Could not agree more! The SOP is such a good book for parents who believe, as most spankers do, in a "parent in charge" approach. It shows those parents how to be "tough" while discussing why spanking, or any traditional punishment is wrong.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,375 Posts
I second Wolf, and I would also say Elizabeth Pantley's "Kid Cooperation" is a good intro to GD. It's basic and takes a lot of ideas that other authors and parenting experts have written whole books about and condenses them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,943 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I think I have "Kid Cooperation", so I'll see if I can find that to give her. It's been a long time since I read it, but I remember really liking it. Haven't read Wolf, but I'll recommend it to her. I'm not sure if the ages of our kids matter. Mine are young (3-1/2 and 20 months) and hers are older... 5 and 8. I actually think she my have more gentle discipline options dealing with kids who are older, and able to rationalize more... but maybe that's just me hoping things get easier as they get older. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,902 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sadiegirl</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8203730"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I saw a book the other night that was actually called something like how to discipline without spanking or yelling. I didn't look at it so I don't really know much about it.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Without Spanking or Spoiling?<br>
I like Love and Limits also. Both of these have more concrete suggestions (and age-appropriate behavior examples) than philosophy and theory.<br><br>
The first thing that has to happen is that she has to decide that NO MATTER WHAT she will not spank. It's okay to "lose" the skirmish; it's not okay to spank. It's okay to not know how to respond in every moment and she will not lose ground in the long run.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
38 Posts
If you want something really brief, try askdrsears.com, specifically in the discipline section<br><a href="http://askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp" target="_blank">http://askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp</a><br><br>
and even more specifically in the spanking article:<br><a href="http://askdrsears.com/html/6/T062100.asp" target="_blank">http://askdrsears.com/html/6/T062100.asp</a>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19 Posts
OK I found the book I was badly referencing above. Its the third one down, but some of these others look good too. I would check your library first:<br><br><a href="http://amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Famazon.com%2Fs%2Fref%3Dnb_ss_b%2F103-9326754-4478201%3Furl%3Dnode%253D1000%252C20%252C11401%252C11418%26field-keywords%3Dspanking" target="_blank">http://amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_b/103-...words=spanking</a>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,550 Posts
I'm not a huge Love & Logic fan (too much emotional manipulation in it for my taste), but I do think it presents a very solid, easily implemented plan for people who don't want to spank but don't know what else to do.<br><br>
You could also try Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline. It'll give her a concrete, step-by-step plan to improve her own behavior so that her child's behavior will follow suit. I really like this book. Ideally, she could use both in concert, but if you do decide on those books and think both at one time is asking too much of her, maybe look through and give her one then save the other for when she's ready.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,550 Posts
Oh, and you might suggest to her to make a big sign that says something like "CHILDREN ARE NOT FOR HITTING!" and put it in plain view in her house. That way, she has a visual reminder every time she feels the need to spank.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,101 Posts
I agree with violet - she needs to just STOP. If she isn't already convinced it's a horrible idea, and is looking for "more books" to convince herself...I dunno. If she wants to stop, just knock it off! Much better to let kids get away with stuff than to hit them. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> There should be no goal, people who hit need to STOP IT NOW.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,943 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Today is supposed to be her first day without spanking... so keep her in your thoughts. I love the idea about the sign, so I'll call her and tell her about that.<br><br>
Thanks Mamas for all of your help. I'll try and post an update in a few days to tell how she's doing. I actually sent her some info on spanking and Sweden... and how the culture changed completely... so I think that gave her hope that she too could change.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,101 Posts
Good for her! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/clap.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="clap"> She's doing a terrific thing for her kids!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,943 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I spoke to her and she's made it so far. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/partytime.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="partytime"> Said she had to lock herself in her room, once... though. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I think the real challenge will come when her kids are out of school in a few weeks... as they'll be together all day....but I think she's doing awesome for making it these few days.<br><br>
Thanks Mamas for all of your help and advice.
 
1 - 17 of 17 Posts
Top