[Herausgeber]

Sooo ... I'm thinking about writing one. I'm putting together the proposal right now, and I'm looking to talk to other working moms who practice AP.

About me: I'm a writer and editor for the Washington Post. I write a career advice column, but that's not really the goal of this book. After all, my daughter is only 6 months old. I'm writing this book because I NEED this advice.

The sample chapter is going to be on babywearing at work, which I've done plenty at this point. I'd love to hear everyone's stories about wearing your kiddo while working or at school, no matter how old said "babe" is now.

I also welcome any feedback on what the book should contain. The idea is that it would be a guide to putting attachment parenting principles into practice while working.

maryslayter(at)gmail(dot)com

 

[calicocj]

Cool idea!

 

[UrbanEarthMom]

Great idea! I didn't wear my baby at work (I'm a lawyer and I don't know how a judge would feel about that). so I don't know if I could help you.

I think it would be good to focus on AP "parenting" and not just "mothering". How it may be better to have two parents that work fairly family friendly jobs rather than have one parent who is a workaholic and never sees the kids.

We feel that we are also practicing AP by choosing to live in the city close to our jobs so we have very short commutes - we are in VERY close quarters but are choosing time over space right now.

Keep us posted.

 

[Herausgeber]

Quote:

Originally Posted by UrbanEarthMom Great idea! I didn't wear my baby at work (I'm a lawyer and I don't know how a judge would feel about that). so I don't know if I could help you. I think it would be good to focus on AP "parenting" and not just "mothering". How it may be better to have two parents that work fairly family friendly jobs rather than have one parent who is a workaholic and never sees the kids. We feel that we are also practicing AP by choosing to live in the city close to our jobs so we have very short commutes - we are in VERY close quarters but are choosing time over space right now. Keep us posted.

This is what we do, too. I would like to make it gender neutral where it makes sense. Even things like breastfeeding involve male partners more than people realize. I have had trouble pumping, and more than a few times, daddy has driven to my work to pick up a bottle of milk out front.

And yes, you absolutely could help me! I'd love to hear about how people reconcile work as a lawyer with attachment parenting!

 

[siobhang]

I agred with UrbanEarthMom. I think a lot of AP is about prioritizing your life to give yourself the room to meet your family's needs however your family defines them. It can mean breaking out of the mold of "this is how you raise kids". It can also mean breaking out of the mold of "this is how you are a professional".

I think recognizing that most of the working world doesn't understand nor respect the strong attachment many AP parents (especially moms) want and have with their babies - they don't want to leave them for extended periods of time, even in a safe situation, during the early months/years.

And the world right now, in my opinion, is dichotomized into either 100% family or 100% work - and working moms (AP or not) get torn down the middle by the pressure. I think in a way, AP gives all parents language and science to voice their inate needs to parent their kids. Where it also needs extension is to validate the need to work to support their families (be it paid, unpaid, or other).

I changed the language to be more gender neutral. I do think, however, that more pressure is placed on women in some ways to hold up the "at home" side of the bargain, while more pressure is placed on men to hold up the "provider" side of the bargain. AP can be very liberating to men too - it validates their ability to be nurturing as well as breadwinner.

 

[Azuralea]

I think one key thing to realize is that AP extends far beyond the nursing years. AP isn't just Dr. Sears; in fact, many of us who consider ourselves attached parents don't like Dr. Sears and his rigid gender stereotyping.

Attached parenting as a practice IMO extends throughout parenting.

Off the top of my head here are a few things that attached working parents do that I've seen

- Look for childcare with little to no turnover, even though it is much pricier than other childcare.
- Many believe strongly in play-based childcare rather than traditional academic programs.
- Share caregiving/earning responsibilities so it isn't possible to say that one parent is really the primary caregiver or earner. In my family, I could not claim to be the primary caregiver, nor could my husband. We share the earning burden as well. For our family, we really love this model. My DH, who had a traditional absentee/long-hours WOH father, is delighted at the bond he has with DS. I love the feeling of providing for the family. We have been surprised at how much we love having two WOH parents. (Clearly I'm speaking solely for us here. Obviously different models work differently for different families.)
- Many times I've seen attached working parents limit or completely turn off TV so as not to waste their time together on the television.
- Family dinners together!

Will try to think of other practices for you. I think the book idea is great.

 

[griffin2004]

Would you please include a chapter for us single working parents who are trying to AP? We face a lot of hurdles that couples don't.

 

[LynnS6]

1. Definitely a chapter on co-sleeping. Not only for the connection, but also for the difference it makes for breastfeeding. I don't think people realize what a difference co-sleeping makes for breastfeeding.

We didn't co-sleep with ds for a variety of reasons but did with dd. I could NOT have continued breastfeeding dd if it hadn't been for that. She reverse cycled, hated the bottle, and wanted to nurse every 2 hours at night. Dh couldn't spell me because he had to get up early with ds.

I vividly remember a conversation I had about co-sleeping when dd was about 11 months old. I was at an research council meeting, and had to arrange a place to pump during the breaks. As one of the people there was taking me up to an office so I could pump, she mentioned how she was surprised that I could work and breastfeed so long. One of her colleagues had a 5 month old, and was thinking of weaning because she couldn't handle getting out of bed all the time to nurse. I said "That's why our daughter is in bed with us. I don't have to get up, I just roll over!" Her response to me was unexpected "What a great idea! I'll have to suggest that to my colleague."

2. Definitely a chapter on AP as a 'family affair'. We've both made some pretty major career decisions (dh not to take on contracts that require extended travel, me to put my research on the back burner while the kids are little, dh to work from home rather than for a company) that make it possible for us to be around more for our kids. It's affected our income for the worse. I am the primary income earner. dh has shouldered more of the child care. But it wouldn't have worked without BOTH of us. I think that's true no matter who has which role.

3. Daycare/childcare chapter. Again, we've made some pretty major financial sacrifices to keep our kids at a place with:
-Low turnover
-Gentle discipline policy
-Strong emphasis on learning to communicate feelings with words, to negotiate solutions and to respect others
-Play based curriculum
-Strong anti bias curriculum

 

[Herausgeber]

Quote:

Originally Posted by griffin2004 Would you please include a chapter for us single working parents who are trying to AP? We face a lot of hurdles that couples don't.

Yes, absolutely.

 

[Azuralea]

I was thinking of another thing, which is that I've heard several WOH parents talk about WOH as their sacrifice for their children, though not as a martyr type of thing, more as a factual matter. They work hard to provide food, shelter, clothing, etc. for their children. Often WOH parents have no choice, and of course that's just showing responsible, good parenting: they do in fact have a choice in that they could do nothing and their kids would suffer the repercussions that come from that. I view this as another type of attached parenting: working hard to make sure your children are safe, well-fed and healthy, and loved.

 

[lauren]

I think it would be helpful to include some of the actual research and theoretical stuff about attachment, including the baby's ability to attach to several people in different ways--mom, dad, child care provider....as long as there is consistent care with a small set of people, going through mostly the same routines every day (consistency, predictability). There is so much bad information out there about what people think of as attachment, bonding, etc., most of which is based on popular culture's interpretation of these things, not real fact. Some seem to feel it is an 'all or nothing' prospect. Perhaps even information on tribal cultures, or Continuum Concept type of information. I think some women get kind of hooked in a anxious way about having to be all things for their baby for years, when really the baby will be fine if others are sharing in the care.

I'm not sure if I am expressing myself well here, going for my coffee!!

 

[Caryliz]

I certainly agree with all of the above, but theoretical discussion aside, practical tips would be really helpful, too. Like how to handle business travel -- especially if it's mom who's traveling, and you are BFing. (Especially given all the airline hoo-ha about traveling with liquids -- AND the increased likelihood these days that you'll be bumped while traveling -- which sucks when you were booked on the last flight out because you needed to work until 7pm but couldn't stand to be away from your family for ONE MORE NIGHT.)

And one big tip alluded to by a PP is to be open about your choices. It's a great way to find support in unexpected places!

When I was on-site with a client and an administrative assistant was helping me find a place to pump, she asked how old my son was. When I told her 15 months (this was some time ago) she said it was great that I was still BF, and said she had nursed all 4 of her kids until they were 2! When it came out in conversation with a colleague that Alex sleeps with us, she replied, "Well OF COURSE he does, how else would you get all your mommy time in, working as hard as you do?!"

 

[woobysma]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azuralea I view this as another type of attached parenting: working hard to make sure your children are safe, well-fed and healthy, and loved.

Definitely. Any book about WOH/AP should include that. It's kept me going many a day (as a single mom, especially).

I also think co-sleeping becomes more important when parents woh - in our case it not only kept the bond strong, but helped with sleep deprivation and burn-out.

And ITA that AP isn't just something for parents of infants. It continues and changes as kids grow. When you consider that many moms will woh *at some point* in their children's lives, that becomes even more important. Even if you stay home until the kids are school aged, that still leaves 12-13 years of AP'ing.

For me, as a mom of a 3rd grader, I make sure that I know his teacher & school friends, catch up on any school "gossip" he's got so I feel connected to his daytime experiences while we're apart, participate in homework, really talk to him & LISTEN to what he has to say about things that are going on in his life.
If I can remember what so and so said in a meeting at work 2 weeks ago, then I better remember that DS's friend Nick likes football more than baseball when we're shopping for his birthday present, yk?
DS and I also have "date nights", where we go do something together. We read books together. We study up on stuff he's learning about in school.

There are tons of little things that help create a really close bond. Years after bf'ing and slings and co-sleeping have ended, there's still so much work to do on our relationship with our kids.

I guess my philosophy is that AP'ing never really ends. To this day, I still stop by my parents' house and just sit in the kitchen and talk with my mom - about work and school and the kids and relationships, etc. THAT's part of AP too, imo. Heck I'm pushing 30 now and I'm still *attached*

 

[UmmBnB]

Fabulous idea. I'm sure you are familiar with _Working Mother, Nursing Mother_ (or vise versa...I always forget). That book was my bible for my first few months back after B1 was born but I always felt it wasn't complete ....obviously its focus is on the nursing relationship.

I sent you an email....

 

[Herausgeber]

Wow. You guys are really inspiring me. Babe just went down for a nap, so time to write!

 

[Herausgeber]

Lord. I was looking online for a sample book proposal, because I had a formatting question, and this is what came up:

http://www.adlerbooks.com/bottlef.html

 

[jesrox]

Information about the struggles/successes of pumping and working. Also information about different working arrangements- for example a bigger focus on SAHD's. I have been doing a lot with trying to make my workplace(ironically a hospital) more pumping friendly and would love to help with your book! So many books seem to focus on how you can try to not work rather than how to make your working and AP philosophies mesh.

 

[siobhang]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Herausgeber Lord. I was looking online for a sample book proposal, because I had a formatting question, and this is what came up: http://www.adlerbooks.com/bottlef.html

Yeah, this book has been around awhile. The lactivism boards like to dissect it.

 

[sweetest]

What a great idea! I think a chapter on being a student mama would be good as well - student mamas are kind of stuck in between.

Some topics:
- pumping/storing breastmilk: how to find a suitable pumping place
- co-sleeping
-cloth diapering and WOHMing: how to's, including what to tell your care provider
- packing healthy lunches
- tips for including the child in meal prep and home cleaning: we have a lot of "family time" when we are doing these activites
- childcare selection and communicating with the provider about GD
- something to the effect of "busting the myth of the perfect AP parent"

When I was a student I did wear dd to class once because my care provider didnt show at the last minute, and it was a disaster. Although the prof was understanding, I just couldnt focus in class. I did successfully wear dd to meet with profs and some other extra functions at school.

This is a great idea! Good luck with the book!

 

[Diane B]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Azuralea IOff the top of my head here are a few things that attached working parents do that I've seen - Look for childcare with little to no turnover, even though it is much pricier than other childcare. - Many believe strongly in play-based childcare rather than traditional academic programs. - Share caregiving/earning responsibilities so it isn't possible to say that one parent is really the primary caregiver or earner. In my family, I could not claim to be the primary caregiver, nor could my husband. We share the earning burden as well. For our family, we really love this model. My DH, who had a traditional absentee/long-hours WOH father, is delighted at the bond he has with DS. I love the feeling of providing for the family. We have been surprised at how much we love having two WOH parents. (Clearly I'm speaking solely for us here. Obviously different models work differently for different families.) - Many times I've seen attached working parents limit or completely turn off TV so as not to waste their time together on the television. - Family dinners together! Will try to think of other practices for you. I think the book idea is great.

These are exactly the things I was going to suggest! I would also write honestly about the stress of being a single caretaker alone for multiple hours per day with small children, and the stress on a relationship when one person in a couple is completely responsible for the financial well-being of a family. I would also write about the need for workplace reform so that more part-time work options are available, and so that health insurance is available for self-employed/part-time workers.

Also, to build on the theme above, I would describe our childcare situation (a very alternative, parent co-op) is an extension of the parenting we do at home. We hope to find a similar type of school situation. I'm sure we are not alone in this.