[avalonfaith]

DP informed a very shocked me the other day that he thinks spanking is ok and actually plans on spanking DS. to which i said he will surely find himself alone real quick if he ever dares to. this followed with a heated argument on how we we raised and what he thinks spanking accomplishes and yadda yadda, then a friend dropped in unannounced and the arguement is still on hold. i'd rather not fight about it, i'd rather give him something to read, he's a logical fellow and i think that's really the way to go here at least for the moment, he at least says that spanking isn't appropriate now or in the next couple years. it is beyond me that it would magically become appropriate at any time.

any suggestions?

 

[DevaMajka]

There's some stuff in Becoming the Parent You Want To Be. Also Parent Effectiveness Training by Thomas Gordon, and Loving Your Child Is Not Enough by Nancy Samalin (I think).
I should say I'm pretty sure there's anti-spanking info in those books. And I know there are a lot more books that do, too.

I'm sure there's articles on www.naturalchild.com too.

Good luck!

 

[LilyGrace]

Does he like to read online? Here's a piece I wrote for another board:

The short term "benefits" do not outweigh the long term harm. Here's some exerpts from studies regarding spanking:

. When a child is spanked, no one wins. Anger is provoked by the hitting in both the parent and the child. The child feels badly and may misbehave even more. Often a distance develops between parent and child.

Studies have shown that spanking can cause negative long-term effects. Children raised in homes with a lot of physical punishment turn out to be more anti-social and egocentric, and physical violence becomes the accepted norm. It is important that we remember we are raising someone's future spouse and future parent. The evidence is really overwhelming. The hundreds of studies done all come to the same conclusions: spanking doesn't work; spanking often results in later violent behavior; the more children are spanked, the more likely they will be abusive toward their own children.

Family Research Lab
In a 1997 study in the Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine, for example, Straus and two colleagues found that 6- to 9-year-olds whose mothers spanked them at least weekly were more likely, two years later, to behave antisocially than were kids whose moms didn't spank.

The researchers interviewed more than 800 mothers and asked how often their kids did antisocial things such as cheat, lie, bully, deliberately break objects or act disobediently at school. Taking into account the degree of antisocial behavior that each mother said her child displayed at the beginning of the study, Straus' team concluded that spanking probably contributed to increases in bad behavior seen during the study.

Nevertheless, Straus notes, a "lucky majority" of kids who get spanked suffer no discernible harm.

Another 1997 study also linked spanking to subsequent antisocial behavior, and it additionally found that children who were spanked at the beginning of the five-year study were more likely to be getting into fights at school by the end of the study. (An exception was African American kids, who were less likely to fight if they'd been spanked than if they hadn't. More on that in a bit.)

Since then, other studies that have tracked kids over time have linked corporal punishment to higher rates of children later assaulting their parents and higher rates of boys assaulting their girlfriends years after they themselves were smacked.

Spanking "gives the message that force is a justifiable method of solving conflicts," says Daphne Bugental, a psychologist at UC Santa Barbara. "The child is learning a lesson: If you run into a conflict, use power, use force."

And in homes where education is valued, children are less likely to be spanked, so a University of Michigan study finds. When kids are encouraged to think through their problems, there's less problems to begin with.

 

[ShaggyDaddy]

So he was raised with spanking and now he thinks that is the only way to get a child to behave?

Sounds like spanking did him more harm than he realizes.

I for one am not willing to teach my kids that violence is the answer to any problem.

 

[bluegrassgirl]

I was spanked a lot when I was a child and it traumatized me so much that I developed a fear of people touching me. Even if a relative or friend gave me a pat on the back or a handshake, I'd go into a full-fledge panic attack. I avoided going to the doctor, because I'd start screaming and crying when the doctor would touch me to do my blood pressure, pulse rate, ect. It took almost a year of counceling to get over this fear of touching.
Becuase of what I went through, I vowed never to spank my kids at all. Why teach a younger kid that its okay to hit when you're mad?

I did find 2 books on spanking that were excellent: "What's Wrong with Spanking?" and "Discipline Without Shouting or Spanking". Both of these books offer alternative discipline and the tips WORK! Also, the children's book series "Help Me Be Good" is also good at helping a kid realize why some things are innapropriate.

Jessie
(single mommy to Emma, 3 years and Angela, 2 years)

 

[Fuamami]

How old is your ds?

I ask just because I always used to think that I would spank my kids too. I mean, I never really thought it through until I was pregnant, and then dh was kind of surprised that I thought we shouldn't ever spank them. Then he had time to think it through, and came to the same conclusion.

Just to give your dp the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you should let things cool off a little bit, sounds like it's not really an issue yet, if you just have a small babe.

Also, I would recommend Elizabeth Pantley's Kid Cooperation.

 

[savithny]

HOnestly, he may take the news on spanking better from a more "mainstream" as he sees it source, maybe?

Most of the mainstream parenting advice gurus also frown on spanking. Spock and Brazelton have both come out strongly against it:

http://www.nospank.net/spock2.htm for example

 

[Thalia the Muse]

Any normal mainstream parenting and discipline book will be anti-spanking. You have to go pretty far right to find someone who advocates it any more -- I think John Rosemond is the closest to the norm who actually supports spanking, and then from him you head into the loony hinterlands with the likes of Ezzo, Dobson, and the Pearls.

I really like Sal Severe's How to Behave So Your Children Will Too, if you want a good basic book on discipline that's anti-spanking and discusses effective discipline techniques. But really, any standard parenting book should help convince him that spanking isn't effective or necessary.

 

[nd_deadhead]

Ask your DH these questions:

Did you enjoy being spanked as a child? How did it make you feel? Do you WANT DS to feel that way?

Do you plan to spank DS when he is a teenager? (chances are he'll say no). So if we need to eventually find parenting strategies that do NOT include spanking, can't we just start using those strategies sooner?

If we can find a way to teach our children to be well-behaved WITHOUT hitting them, would you give it a shot?

My DH used to say "I'll be the greatest parent in the world - all I have to do is the opposite of whatever my parents did." Unfortunately knowing what NOT to do is not the same as knowing what TO do. He spanked one of our sons when he was 4, and DH describes it as the worst moment of his life. After that he was FINALLY willing to read some of the parenting books I'd been throwing at him for years.

Barbara Coloroso writes (in "Kids Are Worth It!") that we learn how to be parents from our own parents, and it makes sense to discipline our kids they way we were disciplined. But we CAN learn new techniques, if we set our minds to it.

Once a parent decides to take spanking out of the equation, they will keep looking for other things that work. Not every strategy works for every child, of course, but there are SO many ideas out there!

Good luck with your DH.

 

[avalonfaith]

thanks so much for all the great book ideas and LilyGrace he is a big time online reader so that'll help too!

ND-Deadhead, i asked a lot of those questions and it ended up with him telling me to call his mom and tell her she did a bad job raiseing him.

: we all know that's not what i was saying but that's about where the arguement ended, it wasn't going anywhere at that point. i'm sure it doesn't help that he was always a goodie goodie type and got spanked and i was a wild child and never got spanked. guess who is the happier one though.

i think i will let things cool for a while, but i am definetly putting one of these books and the websites on his computer chair and see what happens from there.

 

[Moonprysm]

Honestly, depending on the age of your DS, I wouldn't worry about it. DH was the same way. He's one of those people that will tell you that although he rarely got spanked, he deserved every one he ever got and felt that that was an appropriate way to raise our child.

Since I'm pretty sure most sane people would agree it's NEVER okay to hit a baby (even those who are pro-spanking), it's not an issue at first. And so it kind of became a timing thing. Well, you wouldn't hit a baby, right? Or a one year old, ect. And when he finally got to the point where he said yes, I'd be like, "How does a day make a difference in whether it's okay to hit him or not? Yesterday you were 4, today you're 5, so today it's okay to hit you." He's also seen that there are other methods of discipline, and I think he would tell you he's pretty much anti-spanking now. I think that as parents we assume a lot of things before we have children or even when they're younger that change eventually. I probably would've told you a few years ago that of course I was going to spank any child I had. DH would've said the same thing a few months ago. The more connected he becomes with DS, the more outrageous it becomes to him to even think of hitting him.

 

[PMolly]

Quote:

Originally Posted by avalonfaith i asked a lot of those questions and it ended up with him telling me to call his mom and tell her she did a bad job raiseing him. : we all know that's not what i was saying but that's about where the arguement ended, it wasn't going anywhere at that point.

s
My DH is like this, too. Whenever I want to do something differently than how we were raised, he sees it as a personal attack on his parents. My point of view, though, is that they did the best they could with what information and knowledge they had. When you know better you do better, and we know better now. Good luck, we're still struggling with this issue, too.