[DogwoodFairy]

So I changed my username - was SFS. It was time to change things up a bit in case stbx does any internet searching. He's pretty clueless in general about MDC, but SFS was an easy name for him to identify for me.

So anyway, I recently posted about our phone vs Skype argument. And he IS being fairly respectful about calling 1x/day, keeping his language under control, etc.

But the last two days, he continues to engage me in conversation that doesnt at all pertain to ds. Its not rude or critical, but TBH, I dont want to talk to the man at all. For any reason. Unless I am required to share pertinent info about our son, and I've already told him that I prefer to communicate via email.

He'll be blabbing away to ds "what'd you do today, buddy? Did you see a dog? Did you eat all your dinner?..." Then, out of nowhere, "Hey, [my name], have you talked to your lawyer about the taxes?", or "You're going to be here for the hearing next month, right?". And today - ooh, this one really pissed me off, "How is your cousin doing?". My cousin is undergoing chemo for an extremely aggressive type of cancer, and one of my reasons for needing to be in a dif state from stbx is because she desperately needs my help and support right now. He has known of her condition for months, and hasnt inquired about her well-being since mid-January or so. He doesnt care about her, or how she's doing. But he sure is trying to be my friend right now, which only sets off alarm bells for me. The man is not my friend.

So I dont know how to ignore these questions, or how to deflect them without angering him or coming off as the big bad b*tch. This is one of my ongoing issues w/the phone calls, too - he's calling to talk to me more than ds, and he tries very hard to get info out of me that isnt his business.

Do I just ignore it completely, and not say anything? Pretend I dont hear? He knows the phone is on speaker, and that I'm hanging out by ds while he does his phone call. Today when he asked about my cousin, I couldn't ignore it, and said, "She's fine. Are you done talking to ds? This phone call is to him, not me." Stbx got pretty huffy about that.

I dont want to anger him, but I have to stop him from thinking these phone calls are a form of communication to ME. He constantly is asking me random questions that I dont want to answer, especially legal subjects that should best be communicated through lawyers at this point. How do I shut him down and still appear somewhat friendly/noncommittal toward him?

 

[jt'smum]

Become a broken record..I did it with my ex after about 20x he stopped. Maybe something like "Lets not talk about this now." just repeat it over and over..always use a surgary sweet voice. My mom always said kill them with kindness.

 

[Seasons]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Manzanita Pixie So I changed my username - was SFS. It was time to change things up a bit in case stbx does any internet searching. He's pretty clueless in general about MDC, but SFS was an easy name for him to identify for me.

Can you edit your first post to say just "SFS" (like I changed it to in the quote) and not the whole name spelled out? Because right now he could search the spelled-out name, if he specified "search all text," and find this thread.

I second the broken record idea.

 

[guestmama9944]

It's not your problem if he gets mad about not being in the loop. It's his. Don't make it yours.

 

[pinetree]

Totally ignore it. It's as though he never said it. Not to you. Not to ds. Nothing. He doesn't get a rise out of you, it was simply never said.

Have you read the book Brisingr at all? It's a fun book but the dwarves in it have a way of punishing people where they just simply ignore the dwarf. As part of the story a dwarf was banished in this manner and so he tried to get a rise out of the other dwarves by saying something particularly contentious. The dwarves didn't react at all because the banishing was to act as though he wasn't there at all. If he had "been there", they'd have heard what he said. Since he was banished and "wasn't there" they didn't react.

Banish your ex. Totally ignore those comments and don't let him know at all if he's even irritated you.

 

[rubelin]

You said exactly what I was going to suggest. Answer the question in the shortest way possible and then, "oh, are you done talking to DS??". And, like a PP said, say it in the nicest way possible.

Who cares if he doesn't like your answers?? Let him get as bent out of shape as he wants to when he doesn't get a rise out of you. His problem, not yours

oh, and your signature is probably searchable, too, so you might want to take your old username out of there. Just mention it at the top of your threads that you used to be SFS and most mommas here will figure it out

 

[Ceinwen]

If you feel you can't cut right to the chase (sometimes I know I can't) I just stick to super polite answers I'd say to a near stranger.

For example i.e. your cousin 'She's doing great - thanks for asking'.

Don't give any extra info, don't lead the conversation in another direction. Just shut him down completely with a yes or no or whatever. Of course, any questions you don't want to answer for safety/legal purposes just flat out say you aren't sure or you don't know or what have you.

While I realize the optimal response is to let him know you're not willing to speak with him at all (outside ds), sometimes I have the feeling I can't shut down my ex completely when I'm trying to keep the peace.

Obviously YMMV based on individuals and circumstances.