Boys don't play with girls

723 Views 10 Replies 5 Participants Last post by Thalia the Muse, Aug 17, 2006

HappyToBe

Discussion Starter · Aug 17, 2006

: I heard this for the first time today from my 5 y.o.. His friend asked him why he was playing with another friend, a girl, because boys aren't supposed to play with girls.

:
So, okay, I know this is normal but what's the best way to deal w/it? I had my son make a friendship card for his friend and talked to him about how untrue and silly that statement is. I said that Mommy & Daddy are friends and that he and "S" have been friends since they were babies. BUT, he adores/worships the boy who told him. And, ds told me his friend told him that he's "really scared of girls" and that's why he won't ever play w/them.

: Any experiences w/this?

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frontierpsych

· #2 · Aug 17, 2006

aww, it reminds me of my brother when he was little

I'm not sure what to tell you as I'm baking up my first right now, but I can tell you the issue you need to deal with is the type of kids your son looks up to (maybe a discussion about what makes a good role model?) because I know my mom didn't think much of it when my brother looked up to kids like this when he was little, but it continued through his teenage years, and he's now 18 and always wanting to be cool enough to hang out with so and so, always changing his opinions to mesh with the opinions of his friends, etc. (And I know some of his "friends"-- they have no respect for him. It's always "hey, I bet I could get your brother to *blah blah blah*"-- he's they're little performing monkey, basically. Very easily manipulated). I'd hate for your DS to grow up thinking this is the type of person to look up to.

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Twocoolboys

· #3 · Aug 17, 2006

I think it is very normal for kids this age to identify more with their same sex peers than with the opposite sex and I wouldn't worry about it. If your son has a friend that is a girl, that is great, but I don't think you need to coach him to talk to his friends about it. All of my oldest son's friends are boys, with the exception of one girl, who is very much a tomboy.

I really think that kids just naturally line up with other kids who share similar interests. And, my son can talk Star Wars, Spiderman, bionicles, and basketball forever. So, he likes to hang out with other kids that appreciate these things too.

If we go to an event where there is a good mix of boys and girls, there is usually some intermingling going on.

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corhorvath

· #4 · Aug 17, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by Twocoolboys
I really think that kids just naturally line up with other kids who share similar interests. And, my son can talk Star Wars, Spiderman, bionicles, and basketball forever. So, he likes to hang out with other kids that appreciate these things too.

I agree with this, but my daughter's a girl and is interested in all these things. She also can point out tires, race cars, and shoot basketball better than most boys her age. That being said, she's also dresses up like a princess everyday and loves to play with hair and makeup. She's a person, not simply a "girl" that should be categorized as "a" or "b" for being female. The boys on both sides of us fight over my daughter's pink bike becasue their favorite color is pink. They are 5 and 6.

I'm not taking offense to your statement and am not trying to attack. I'm just trying to illustrate that we need to teach our kids early that diversity is within each individual. We shouldn't force our kids to be friends with people, but shouldn't let them be taught how to discriminate-especially by their peers.

I think it's important to teach our kids not to exclude simply because someone is a certain gender or color or religion or whatever. This happens with my daughter. She'll tell me doesn't like boys. This is not true since most of her friends, that she picks from school, are boys. I just ask her: are you sure? I thought you were friends with Nathan, Austin, Brian, etc. Then, I talk to her about things. I don't lecture, I don't act surprised or angry because it is normal for her to relate with girls, but I at least try to talk to her to remind her that many of her good friends are boys and that she has fun in different ways with all sorts of different people.

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Twocoolboys

· #5 · Aug 17, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by corhorvath
I'm not taking offense to your statement and am not trying to attack. I'm just trying to illustrate that we need to teach our kids early that diversity is within each individual. We shouldn't force our kids to be friends with people, but shouldn't let them be taught how to discriminate-especially by their peers.

I think it's important to teach our kids not to exclude simply because someone is a certain gender or color or religion or whatever. This happens with my daughter. She'll tell me doesn't like boys. This is not true since most of her friends, that she picks from school, are boys. I just ask her: are you sure? I thought you were friends with Nathan, Austin, Brian, etc. Then, I talk to her about things. I don't lecture, I don't act surprised or angry because it is normal for her to relate with girls, but I at least try to talk to her to remind her that many of her good friends are boys and that she has fun in different ways with all sorts of different people.

I don't really see it as discrimination. It really is just a non-issue, I think. Kids pick their friends based on common interests and similar play styles. If a girl happens to fit into a mostly boy group, over the long term, or for one afternoon, then that's cool. And vice versa. I do think it is natural, common, and normal for boys to tend to gravitate towards other boys and girls to gravitate towards other girls as playmates. And that is not anything that we need to "correct" in either boys or girls when we see it.

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Thalia the Muse

· #6 · Aug 17, 2006

Kids do seem to go through a period of strong identification with their own sex, and some animosity to the other, around this age. My daughter sure did, around three and four. I didn't like it at all, but I think it's a developmentally appropriate thing and there's not much you can do except ride it out.

Around elementary age, you can start talking about stereotypes and how we choose our friends based on deep versus superficial qualities.

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corhorvath

· #7 · Aug 17, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by Twocoolboys
Kids pick their friends based on common interests and similar play styles. If a girl happens to fit into a mostly boy group, over the long term, or for one afternoon, then that's cool. And vice versa. I do think it is natural, common, and normal for boys to tend to gravitate towards other boys and girls to gravitate towards other girls as playmates.

I agree with this. I'm referring to the op's son being told by his friends that boys don't play with girls. This is child is teaching kids to discriminate. What if my daughter told her friends, "we don't play with fat kids."

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Thalia the Muse

· #8 · Aug 17, 2006

See, at this age I don't think they are separating based solely on different playstyles -- I think they're separating based on learning gender identity and that they're kind of driven to do that for a while. And then they get through the "establishing that I'm a boy or a girl" phase, and can mellow out and relate to the opposite sex again without feeling hostile toward them. I don't think it's learned discrimination (the way they can learn to be bigoted or to hate fat kids), I think it's just how most kids accomplish this particular developmental task. And if the parents or teachers don't reinforce it, it will pass on its own.

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Twocoolboys

· #9 · Aug 17, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by corhorvath
I agree with this. I'm referring to the op's son being told by his friends that boys don't play with girls. This is child is teaching kids to discriminate. What if my daughter told her friends, "we don't play with fat kids."

I guess I just don't see it on that level. I don't think a 5 year old boy saying he doesn't play with girls is the same thing as him saying he doesn't play with fat kids. One is more about identifying with your own gender. And, you can bet that that same 5 year old boy would most likely play with a girl if they were sharing a common interest or at the right place at the right time. At this age, there are no absolutes in this area, even if they make declarations about it. The not playing with fat kids thing seems more malicious, where the original example does not. At least, I don't see it that way at all.

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Twocoolboys

· #10 · Aug 17, 2006

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thalia the Muse
See, at this age I don't think they are separating based solely on different playstyles -- I think they're separating based on learning gender identity and that they're kind of driven to do that for a while. And then they get through the "establishing that I'm a boy or a girl" phase, and can mellow out and relate to the opposite sex again without feeling hostile toward them. I don't think it's learned discrimination (the way they can learn to be bigoted or to hate fat kids), I think it's just how most kids accomplish this particular developmental task. And if the parents or teachers don't reinforce it, it will pass on its own.

Really good point. You articulated it so much better than I could!

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Thalia the Muse

· #11 · Aug 17, 2006

Oh, and you make a good point that sometimes even while they're saying "I hate boys (or girls)" in practice they will still play with them. At least mine did ... and she was always nuts about her boy cousin.

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