[Dreaming]

It looks like I will have to do a hospital birth this time

(for financial reasons- hospital birth is covered 100% and homebirth costs $3000).

I require that my 12 month old (20 months by then) will be there during the birth and stay with us at the hospital until we are released. Is anyone else planning on doing this?

When I called the birth center they said that this is rarely done. The thing is, I'm not willing to be separated from DD and if I am, she will only be with DH (and only for a couple hours before melting down).

I am going to hire a doula and do everything I can to make sure we have extra support people lined up. My new baby is due in February and I live in Minnesota so snow storms are commonplace and sometimes impossible to drive in.

I guess I just have a lot of anxiety about not having control over the situation like I would at home and I'm hoping to hear stories about how other people brought their kiddo(s) and everything went swell.

 

[homemademomma]

: have you thought about UC? just throwing it out there. i feel like its really hard to labor when you feel ike you are fighting against your care providers, kwim? as far as your dd goes, i think it should be fine for her to be with you the whole time. i would, however, line up someone to be there *just in case*, unless you are okay with dh leaving the room if she gets upset seeing you in pain. anyway, its your birth and you are allowed to do whatever you want, regardless of what hospital policy is.

 

[doctorjen]

In general, kids do fine at a birth as long as they want to be there. It would be best to have back up plans in place just in case, even for a homebirth. Your dd is very little, and you won't have the advantage of being able to explain things to her and prepare her. She still may do just fine, but she might be frightened by the strange setting and the labor and birth itself.
I'd plan to have an extra support person present just for her, then work hard to make sure she is comfortable with that person ahead of time (do you have a mom, sister, aunt, close female friend around who could do that?)
Also, there is a world of difference between a 12 month old and a 20 month old. She may be entirely comfortable separating briefly by then, or she may be even more attached and full of separation anxiety. Best to plan either way.
Birth centers and hospitals aren't being completely evil when they make rules about children, by the way. Behavior is much more of an issue at a hospital birth. I recently attended a birth where the mama's 2 year old niece ran up and down the halls, ran in and out of other's patients' rooms, screamed off and on, and even ran up to a mama walking in the hall with her baby and grabbed the baby before her mom could stop her. Her family kept her there all night, despite the fact that she was obviously very miserable, and was disruptive to the whole place. You have to consider other people, too, in an institutional setting (obviously not a problem at home) Also, if the child in question happens to be ill at the time of birth, she is not likely to be allowed in the hospital.

 

[doctorjen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by homemademomma anyway, its your birth and you are allowed to do whatever you want, regardless of what hospital policy is.

In general, I agree, but hospitals have to have some policies. You can't have a 20 month old in the operating room, for example, so if a cesarean birth was necessary, someone has to be available to take care of the child.
You can't have a child with, for example, chickenpox in the hospital - the risk is just too great.
Niether of these things are likely, of course, but you have to be ready for every eventuality.
Also, nursing staff cannot be expected to be available or responsible for your other children, so someone has to be available in case the child has need.

 

[doctorjen]

I know I'm awful long winded, but I forgot to mention that I have had 2 successful sibling attended hospital births.
My 3rd baby was born in an in-hospital birthing center. My 8 year old ds was with us the whole time. His support person stayed for the birth, but left after. Dh slept in the bed with the baby and I (It was a queen size bed) and ds slept on a pull out couch in the room with us. We chose not to have 2 year old dd with us - she was very sensitive and I was afraid labor would scare her. Turns out even early labor seemed to frighten her, and she clung to me constantly and it was difficult to focus on labor with having to calm her also.
My 4th baby was born in a standard LDR room in our little community hospital. My 14 year old ds (a veteran of 2 previous births by then) 8 year old dd (who was still sensitive, but did better) and 5 year old ds were present. Oldest ds was the official "extra support person" for this one - and he did a great job of reassuring and supporting his sibs. All the kids did wonderfully at this birth. They stayed most of the night, but chose to go home to sleep for a couple hours after.
The only birth one of my kids had any trouble at was my accidental UC. The birth was great, oldest ds, who was 6 was surprised by how fast everything went and the fact that the baby emerged at home instead of at the hospital as we planned, but overall it went great. We made the major bad mistake of calling an ambulance, though, and the whole transport and time in the hospital was very traumatic for ds. He was so relieved to see me alive and well a few hours after we got to the hospital. He wasn't the least bit put off about birth, but he was sure mad at that hospital after that event!
Of course, my kids were all older than yours, so I realize our experience isn't that helpful.

 

[orangebird]

Have you taken her to the hospital yet? Maybe you can take her once, even twice, for a little tour, look at the babies etc. So that when she is there for the birth it won't be her first time there, one less unfamiliar thing for her to freak out about. Just a thought, trying to think of what I would do if I were going to the hospital. I would want to bring my youngest (just turned 3) up there for a look around, see what the rooms look like, see that there are babies and doctors. Up til now DS thinks doctors only mean one thing, YK? Even when I am dressed in scrubs or with my stethescope or with gloves (then he thinks I am a doctor, doesn't quite get the doctor/nurse difference) anyway, he gets nervous when I'm in doctor garb lol! Maybe it would be nice for her to say hi to some of the doctors/nurses (whoever is wearing the "uniform" IYKWIM) so she sees that it isn't all about "doctor" stuff. If that is even how she sees it, I'm just going by how my little guy sees it, he has just seen me at work (amongst gruesome stuff) and then the docs in the ER when my other DS broke his arm (more owie stuff) and a couple times getting shots from the nurses at the clinic ( again, owie stuff). I would want him to have the cordial visits so as soon as we walk into the hospital he wasn't thinking "oh shit, who is gonna get hurt now? My brother? or is someone going to poke me in the arm? Oh no, it's mama! What are they doing to her!!!)

And like someone else said, always have a backup plan for the little ones. If you want DH there with you for sure then make sure there is one more person who could take DD out at any time. Someone DD knows and trusts is preferable.

Be extra nice to the nurses, bring a fattening treat, the more they like you, the more they will try to bend the rules for you.

 

[onlyboys]

A friend of mine just had a baby in April, and she brought her 22 month old with her. They older chlid and the partner slept in the chair, and the friend and her new one slept in the hospital bed. No one said a word, though she was prepared.

I agree that siblings do well at births, as long as someone is there to help them out if they need it. It would have been really distracting to me to have to care for my kids mentally or physically while I was in laborland.

Good luck!

 

[lorijds]

In my experience of attending probably over 150 births at an independent birthing center in the last four years, kids much under the age of three don't do so well. No matter how much preparation ahead of time, most of the time the kids freak out when they see mama crying or even just pushing. Also, seeing the baby actually come out of their mama is pretty intense, and then the blood and the placenta...

I've seen a couple of little ones do *awesome*, but the vast majority end up crying and screaming for a good chunk of the birth. They do much better not being in the room. Of course, they need to have a support person who is willing to miss the birth, which is sometimes the issue.

My daughter has just turned three when her oldest sibling was born; she did awesome at the birth. I knew she would, and she was well prepared. I am very supportive of siblings being at the birth if both mama and the child are comfortable with that. But in my experience the kids under 2 1/2 don't do very well.

I hope whatever you end up doing works out for you. One thing that I think helped my dd alot was that we did alot of role playing. While pretending to have the baby, I would make lots of noises, screams, cries, etc. We'd talk about how hard it was (as in hard work). When I was pushing, I didn't make nearly as much noise as when we were playing! But I felt comfortable making noise in front of her, and she felt comfortable hearing me make those sounds, because it wasn't anything new. Giving her alot of different jobs to do, too, will help. Rubbing your back, patting you with a cold washcloth, giving you drinks of water, taking pictures, sharing your popcicles and yogurt...all those things help little ones feel, well, helpful. It takes their minds off of your pain by giving them something to do, and most mamas feel comforted by the care their little one provides them.

Hope some of this is helpful!

Lori

 

[MamaTaraX]

People have already said what I wanted to. The one thing for siblings that I say is to make sure you haveone person attend the birth who's ONLY responsibility is your 20-mo-old. They aren't there for you in any way. They are only there to help the little one should they be scared or interested, someone who can take them out if they need a break, who can read books to them, who can help them in whatever way they need. Support for sibs, especially ones that little, is invaluable. I believe this to be true for home or hospital.

Namaste, Tara w/Rythm (due 1/06), a homebirthin in which his/her big brothers will both attend

 

[Greaseball]

Don't ask for permission - the day of the birth, show up with her (and the additional support person) and explain that she will be staying as long as she wants; this is not up for discussion or debate. Explain that you have your own "policies" and that yours trump those of the institution.

 

[USAmma]

The only thing I can see that might be a problem is RSV season. At all the local hospitals, between October and Feb-March they do not allow any children under the age of 8 or so back into L&D because of the risk of RSV to the babies. So check ahead on that one.

I was considering bringing Abi to Nitara's birth except for that RSV thing. But thinking back on it, I'm glad I didn't. I would have been distracted from Nitara's birth. She was my last baby and I wanted to be totally focused on that experience.

 

[Dreaming]

Thanks for all the great info

I'm calling the midwife group soon to make an appt. and I will ask then. I was told that it will be fine for DD to attend the birth- the issue (and my concern) is that the hospital has a policy of "1 guest overnight per patient".
Apparently I need midwife clearance.
We really have no one to watch her and I can't drop her off with a stranger.

I mentioned to DH some of the issues you all brought up. We agreed that he will be DD's support person even if he has to miss the actual moment of birth. I am a very solitary laborer and he was not at all helpful during DD's birth.
I think having a doula for me is more practical.

We also decided to ask a friend if she can attend and help with DD.
It's hard to find someone appropriate since most of my friends are either not candidates because they have young babies of their own to attend to or they are childfree and unreliable (read: irresponsible). My family lives 3 hours away and getting my mother here would be like pulling teeth.

MIL is never allowed to babysit DD. Even if I'm dead. She's crazy.

FWIW- We would never allow DD to run about screaming in a situation like a birth center. I'm thinking we could get her a few new books and toys *just* for the birth. She had to spend 4 hours in the ER with DH and I the other day and did well with 2 books and a mirror and some cheerioes with no meltdowns.

I know it's impossible to predict how she will react until the time comes, so I will follow some of the suggestions here and do my best to prepare her. I have a hunch she will do alright.

 

[TiredX2]

When I was considering a hospital ("birth center"

) birth with DS we made sure DD could come. We ended up choosing a home birth instead, for personal reasons.

Having given birth with DD (31 months at the time) right there I would take the following into consideration:

How long was your first labor? When do you plan on going to the hospital (ie around 4-5 cm, during transition, etc...)? If you expect to be there 2 hours or more before the actual birth, I would consider having someone else than DH be responsible for DD. Someone who could take her completely off site.

What type of laborer are you? Loud? Crying? Swearing? How upsetting will this be to DD?

What will you do if DD is asleep when you go into labor? Will you wake her and bring her to the hospital? Leave her at home with someone to bring her to the hospital when she wakes up? ...?

Do you want DD there because you think she wouldn't do well being seperated from you or because you actually want her there for the birth? If it is for the first, there is a good chance that DD will feel like you are not "really there" at parts anyway. If for the second, that could be less of an issue.

Will you want DH to stay at the hospital with you the whole time? (after the birth) How long do you plan on staying? Because if you give birth at say 11am and plan on staying even only the standard "minimum" 5-7 hours DD will be BORED. Sure the baby will be cool for about 15 minutes, but a toddler is going to probably want to be up and going in the middle of the day. If you gave birth at like 8pm that would not really be an issue (could just put DD to bed at that time).

Since you have so much time, I would really consider trying to find someone to be DD's comfort person other than DD who could drive. Since you have 8 months you could even find a college student who could play with DD once a month for the next seven months or something like that.

With my birth, we ended up having a friend come over and watch a video with DD (I labored through the night, this was around 7-7:30am) and then DD came in for the pushing stage. Right after DS was born and she helped cut the cord, she was really done. She wanted to go and do something else

So, I would be prepared for that. I've known several children under three who successfully attended sibling births, but none *that* young, so you will really have some extra considerations.

Good luck!

 

[AngelBee]

Good luck

My ds1 was 2yr 2mths at dd birth.

Ds1 was 4yr 11 months and dd was 2yr 9 mths at ds2 birth.

They did great!!!

I would just bring dd and plan on her staying. As long as she isn't running the halls and such....I do not see why it would be a problem. Mine did not spend the night but where there nearly all day. Nothing was said.

What hospital are you looking at?

 

[Dreaming]

Thanks Tired

We want DD present for both reasons you mentioned.

Angelbee- I'm looking at HCMC because it's closer than St. Joe's to my home.

gg have a helper typing...