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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Man, this whole divorce-and-getting-back-on-your-feet thing is like turning a tanker around, sometimes.

Last night, on a run, I saw the sky with more hopefulness and open promise than I'd noticed for years. I'd forgotten that feeling. I really love Iowa, love the openness here and the way the farmland echoes the ocean. There's this air of mild encouragement and space to find your own projects, make your own things happen. It's an optimism that seems absolutely wacky & corny on the east coast, and it's just so nice, so night-sky '50s.

The last three years have been so thoroughly about mental illness and attempting to have a normal family with stbx....I'm slowly coming to see that stbx's depression isn't what you normally think of when you think "depression" -- it's not just a down period, or even a handicapping thing that you treat with meds, and manage with some private time crying. This depression isn't temporary, for him. Barring medical miracles, it's not going away. And it's been like a lid on his thinking & ability to get up and have a normal life with friends, career, etc. He used to talk about having "slow boat rides through Hell", and I'm just beginning to see that he wasn't exaggerating. He'd talk about "emulating", too, pretending to be normal; and I see now that yes, that's exactly what he has to do every day.

Even though he's been on disability now for over two years, it's as if I've just noticed that his depression truly is disabling, and that there is really nothing I can do about it beyond asking the professionals to please, please keep an eye on him when things are bad. I can't make him keep insurance coverage and take his meds. I can't get him to see when the things he's saying make no actual sense.

It's a relief in many ways. I don't think I'd realized how much time and energy I'd spent on trying to take care of him and help him get better.

In some ways it's tough, too. My girl's got a daddy with a serious problem, and she's going to have to deal with that. I don't know yet how to help her through that. His suicide risk is also real, and that's likely to be chronic; God knows what that would mean for her. In the meantime, though, I just know I don't want her in a position where she feels she has to take care of him or his apartment.

Anyway. I'm cautious about all of this, because deciding "hey, he's not normal" is certainly self-serving and the timing's convenient. But the shrinks have been trying for years to persuade me that he's got profound problems, and to get me to let go of the caregiving, and I am thinking maybe they saw something real.

The job's going very well and I'm beginning to think that yes, I can pay for the house. And actually I ought to get back to work now. =)
 

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Mama, sounds like it's been a tough time all round, I hope you get some relief from it all. My sometimes boyfriend of 4 years has s.a.d and is on meds and is improving but still battles with all the stuff daily, we hardly see each other now it's like when he gets close to someone it just makes things worse after a while, but I try and support him a wee bit but he always expects so much more, I found in the end I just can't have a good relationship with him and I don't want to take responsability for someone else's emotions. I had to get out for my own sake. Hope it works out for you all.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I try and support him a wee bit but he always expects so much more, I found in the end I just can't have a good relationship with him and I don't want to take responsability for someone else's emotions.

Wow, that sounds familiar.
:

Well, I've been working my tushie off, and with dd at her grandparents' & the birthday-party planning squared away, I'm going to take myself out for a walk.
 
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