[Birth Junky]

I have been anxiously avoiding this forum since DD was born 8.5 months ago. I have a loooooong history of depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, and PPD was one of my worst fears throughout my pregnancy.

I'm not even sure that you can call what I am feeling PPD, although I am post-partum and I am depressed. It all centers around DD's birth, which was a scheduled c-section after 8 months of planning a homebirth. No, make that 17 years . . . I decided at age 9 that I was going to become a midwife, and have planned to birth my babies at home ever since.

I don't regret the c-section, per se . . . I don't feel as if I was pushed or trapped into it by medical mismanagement of labor; I didn't even get to experience labor, as concerns over DD's well-being in utero convinced the doctors and my midwives that a c-section at 37 weeks was the best option.

Mostly I am just ANGRY . . . angry that I didn't get to experience contractions, pushing, the birth experience I had visualized for so long (or anything even close to it). Angry that things went the way that they did. Sometimes I think it would be easier if I had someone to blame for how everything unfolded, but there was no one at fault; it was just the way it was. Other times I think it is fate trying to make me eat my words; when asked about my choice to homebirth (even long before I was pregnant), I always said that I believed that home was the best, safest place for a low-risk labor and birth. That obstetricians and hospitals and c-sections (although overused, IMO) are great for those situations where they are truly necessary . . . and that of course, if I were in a situation where a hospital birth or a c-section was medically necessary, I would do it.

Now I find myself in a constant state of grieving. I love my daughter, and am very thankful that the depression has not impacted my ability to bond with or care for her. However, every mention of birth (home or otherwise) makes me choke up. I had to drive to the birth center where I received my prenatal care today, and was near tears for hours afterwards. Listening to other people's labor and birth stories just reminds me of what I missed, and I am unable to read about a birth or watch one on tv without crying. I used to read about birth constantly, watch every birth I could find on television (even when the programs made me shout at the tv in anger!), study it with passion. Now I find myself avoiding the subject, because of the sadness it brings out in me.

I just don't know what to do, how to get past it. I wonder sometimes if anything will help me heal.

 

[Birth Junky]

Thank you all for your kind and wonderful posts. I don't really know where to go from here . . . often I think that the only route to healing for me will come through a successful HBAC. DH and I aren't planning baby #2 for at least a couple more years, though. And even then, I wonder if the HBAC might just make things worse, by making me FULLY realize what I missed the first time around.

:

 

[Birth Junky]

Thanks again for all of the kind, wise, thought-provoking and inspirational responses.

to the mamas of babes traumatized by their passage into this world. I feel a bit of this myself, not because my section was particularly traumatic or difficult on DD (it was a scheduled section due to a combination of IUGR, low fluid, and breech position), but because she was so clearly not ready (it was done at 37 weeks). DD had no problems with the birth and we never had to be separated, in the operating room or afterwards, but she slept almost constantly for the first 4 weeks of her life (had to be woken to eat) and just generally seemed easily overstimulated by life outside the womb. She seemed to have adjusted well by a few months post-partum, but I find myself wondering just how deep the effects of that too-early entry into the world might go.

 

[Birth Junky]

Vloky, Ikesmom,

 

[Birth Junky]

BathrobeGoddess, shazer, welcome to the thread, although I suppose it's not such a happy place to find yourself.

I am glad, though, that we can offer each other support and encouragement.