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You Should Be Grateful - an essay by Gretchen Humphries

Now, when you tell me that I should be grateful, I realize that you are showing me how frightened you are. That you are afraid to look at my pain. That you are afraid to admit that maybe I have good reason to be angry, that maybe women are truly assaulted in the name of birth. You are telling me that it's okay for women to have birth ripped from them, that it isn't acceptable to look for a better way or to mourn what was lost. I know you now. You may not know yourself, but I do. And I pity you.

My PPD peaked around nine months after my daughter's birth (breech, c-sec). Ultimately, I went the antidepressant route. Some where in the Silet Knife book was a poem that started with words like "It's just the same really..." It is amazing the level of denial you're supposed to sustain when you have a c-sec.

I likened the experience of not having a vaginal birth to studying for the MCAT's or LSAT's and then the day of the test being told- oh, you know enough, let's just say you passed. Sure, you get what you want, but you're left with this unfinished, unjustified feeling.

Personally, I wonder if having a c-sec without labor sends your body signals that the baby was lost, but I don't know of any research in that area.

I can tell you, that with time, as with most grief, you find a way to live with it.
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