[roseq]

My son was born by c/s (breech) 15 months ago. I had planned a HB, and when I was 9 cm the MW checked me and discovered the breech. After much deliberation I chose to go to the hospital for the c/s. I have had a very very hard time dealing with it, even though I think I made the right decision, I'll never know for sure. I feel like I did it to myself, and I have hated myself for it. Most of the time I'm sure I did the right thing but I'm angry anyway that it happened. WHY? I want to know WHY that happened to me. Why was he breech? Why did he tell me he couldn't be delivered that way? What if I had stayed home and he died? What if I stayed home and he lived? WHY.

I'm sorry you had to go through that Mama. I'm sorry so many of us have had to go through this.

 

[roseq]

I think so many people don't understand all of the other things that go along with a c/s that affect us... like not getting to hold our babies, like feeling our bodies don't work, like being yelled at for "not having prenatal care" (I had a HB MW doing my prenatal care but apparently that's not good enough).

Yes I'm grateful that my son is alive and well, but my first memories of him are hearing his cry when I couldn't see him, then my husband holding him next to my head where I could only see 1/4 of his face, not feel his body, not smell him, not kiss him, nothing. I was locked down, shaking uncontrollably and those will be his first experience of life and the guilt is overwhelming that somehow I allowed that to happen to my baby.

I had a breast reduction and since I had the c/s I couldn't BF properly ti give him enough milk and he got very bad jaundice and we had to stay in the hospital for 5 days and suppliment with formula. Talk about feeling like a failure. (I still BFing though thank God because that would have put me over the edge)

And no one wants to hear about it after a while but I want to talk about it over and over again. I NEED to work it out, make it ok, make peace with it.

I spend so much time wanting to try for an HBAC, but I'm terrified that something will go wrong and I will lose my chance for my perfect HB. My DH is totally against getting pregnant again, both of our birth experiences were so traumatic for him. I can't imagine doing that to him again.

DS is 15 months now, and most days I don't think about it. I've had terrible PPD with him though, and horrible anxiety. I have panic attacks all the time and I wonder if I would be like this if things had gone the way I planned.