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i can entirely relate. it's so hard being right in the middle of the grief, when it is so fresh and so raw. my first year postpartum, i spent hours up at night, crying, sobbing about how i'd somehow "failed." i felt envious and angry (and still sometimes do) at those women who had "succeeded" in giving birth. i felt like i wasn't a real woman. that somehow i was lacking a fundamental element that the "real women" had.

then somewhere along the line i decided to quit beating myself up about it so much. i'm not sure exactly why... but i attribute alot of it to my hormone levels balancing out a bit. feeling more like myself (around her 1st birthday).

i heard in the pioneer days, (something like) 1/2 of the women died during childbirth. so i figure i'm lucky to be alive... i could have been one of those women whom had it not been for modern medicine, may have died, or my baby may not have survived. "natural childbirth" is just that.... nature taking its course. and nature is not always pretty and blissful and perfect. nature also serves out death and loss and pain. sure, alot of moms-to-be (including myself) idealize natural childbirth, but i have found that to be unrealistic.

in my birthing plan i wanted a natural waterbirth at a birthing center, but my INNER KNOWING told me to prepare to go to the hospital (the hospital also had a waterbirth option). i knew i needed to be at the hospital. i did not at all expect the c-section, but in hindsight i realized my intuition knew my baby and i would need medical care.

so give yourself some credit, mama. you are a wise, wonderful mama... you made the decision that you needed to make at that time. trust yourself... the decision you made WAS the right one for you and your baby, because you made it.

you are so loved... and never alone in this.
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