[spyder]

I'm afraid to have an HBAC at this point, what if something happened again? I don't know if I could really handle it. (I don't feel like I've to great this time). I can completely relate to these posts. My first pictures are of my son in the plastic "box", not my bedroom where he should have been. It was hours before I could hold him alone, since I was shaking so badly. I didn't get to see him being "born" (not that I really agree that it was a birth, but really a surgica extraction). I've heard that a HBAC can be very healing, but I noted MAMom's post that said it made her more angry, I didn't think that was possible either. I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one who feels that no one else wants to hear about it anymore, but I have a need to talk about it and work it out. I'd love to have another baby someday, but now I'm terrified to, something I've never been before and that just makes me angrier.
Anyway, thanks for your posts. It's nice to not feel so alone all the time.

 

[chiromama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by aira DH was very traumatized by seeing me strapped down with tubes everywhere, shaking violently, and puking when she was cutting. He has never been quite the same either. My section was nothing like what you read in the "books". It wasn't gentle, smooth, or easy in any way. Because I was in labor for 48ish hours, fully dialated and effaced for 8, and DS's head was smashing into my hip that was too injured to open, the doc had to jump up on the table and shove him up over my pelvis to get him out. The table was shaking with her pushes to get him back up. DH and I really freaked out then. It was so much more violent than anyone tells you.

I agree. my c-section was sooooo violent. I pushed for 13 hours (yes. thirteen

) and she was stuck. They had to reach in and push her up - so not only was I torn apart from the cutting, but I was pretty violated vaginally. I had a panic attack on the table and had to be knocked out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommitola Wow, this is my biggest fear/source of grief, that my daughter was separated from me and didn't get a gentle welcome at home. I've wondered if she'll be able to tell me about. I asked her to try to remember so she can tell me later so we can talk about it when she's bigger. Her father was with her the whole time, and she really didn't cry. She's much snugglier and easily soothed with him, and sometimes I wonder if that has to do with it. He took photos during her first bath and time in the nursery getting footprinted (while I was down in recovery literally bleeding my guts out), and I have a hard time seeing those photos. OP, I don't know how to get over it, because every time I think I am, something else surfaces, but you absolutely aren't alone. My husband and I watched last week's Grey's Anatomy on the dvr today, and we both started crying during the c-section/baby not breathing scene. I don't think people give enough credit to how traumatic a c-section can be, especially one precipitated by distress. It's right and fine to mourn. I felt better after a few sessions with a therapist, but she didn't do anything particular earth-shattering, just let me talk about it again and again.

: Everytime I think i'm better, it comes up and bites me in the ass. I hate seeing a c-section on TV because it makes me weep. I'm actually shocked that I didn't have PPD, but as time goes on, it seems PTSD is more and more of a possiblitly. Ugh, i just need to get over myself and call a therapist

Quote:

Originally Posted by SugrMagMama May you find peace in your heart and know that YOU ARE STILL A WOMAN NO MATTER HOW YOU BIRTHED YOUR BABE!

This may be the hardest thing for me to truly believe. I have no reason other than I couldn't push her out. I failed. I wasn't strong enough. I think on top of it all, we dealt with infertility before hand. Of course it turned out that we had male factor IF, and Ruby is an InVitro baby, but the trauma of months and months and months of not getting pregnant set me up to feel like a failure already. Can't get pregnant, can't give birth. Yeah, what a

: woman.

 

[tuscany123]

Just wanted to chime in and say how much I appreciate all the mothers sharing their stories. My dd is 3, and I am finally in a place where I can truly say the fact that she was born via c-section is irrevelant, because the feeling that I was "robbed" of a "natural" birth has been replaced with feelings of complete and utter joy of being her mother. What has helped my healing is telling her, and telling her often, "thank you for being born, you have brought so much joy into my and your fathers life". I truly don't know where I "end" and she "begins", so the fact that she was born in an unexpected fashion is truly secondary - now!! I don't care how she got here - I just thank God each and every day for letting me experience the joy of being her mother.

I was very depressed after she was born, I needed counselling, and antidepressants for a while. But it got better, it got a lot better

 

[SugrMagMama]

[/QUOTE]This may be the hardest thing for me to truly believe. I have no reason other than I couldn't push her out. I failed. I wasn't strong enough. I think on top of it all, we dealt with infertility before hand. Of course it turned out that we had male factor IF, and Ruby is an InVitro baby, but the trauma of months and months and months of not getting pregnant set me up to feel like a failure already. Can't get pregnant, can't give birth. Yeah, what a

: woman.[/QUOTE]

I felt the same way, that I was a ***** loser of a woman. Although I didn't have to undergo invitro but my story is similiar.

I was diagnosed with Vaginal, cervical and uterine cancer at the age of 22 while I was pregnant with my first child. In order to be able to get treatment I had to medically abort and undergo the surgeries and treatment. It took me almost 4 years to get pregnant again. I had to have 2 more surgeries. So when my son was born via c-sect, there was NO WAY I could have a VBAC, I already had too many uterine surgeries.

In order for us to conceive, I had to undergo hormone treatments, tried natural remedies and herbs.. we tried EVERYTHING under the sun.. but then BOOM it just happened.

So feeling like a failure.. I can truly relate to. They told me I would never get pregnant after we lost our twins in 2004.. and guess what? I had Emmie in 2006! Miracles happen, even though it's really tough to digest how you got pregnant, how you birthed your babe, the feelings of being slighted. You have a beautiful babe. At least you were blessed enough to carry a child, many women can't even do that... I can't imagine how they feel.

Big Hugz Mama!
Kristina

 

[nausicaamom]

I'm just starting to come to terms with how my c-section really affected me as we are planning to conceive our next child this spring.

My section was planned for macrosomia (he was 10lbs 3oz at birth) the day before my due date. My blood pressure kept creeping up and I was in so much pain and discomfort that I wasn't really in a place that I could have fought with my OB about it. I did nipple stimulation the whole week up to the section to try and get things going but to no avail. The surgery was awful, on both me and my husband. I felt intense pressure and a good bit of pain while they were doing the surgery. We had so many problems post-partum - severe nerve pain that lasted for a good 3 months and is still a tingling today, so many problems nursing that led to a very premature end to my nursing relationship with my son, and surgery this past summer to remove adhesions from my scar.

I think if I had been successful breastfeeding, all of the other things wouldn't have hit me so hard. For a long time I wanted to get pregnant just so I would have another chance at a vaginal birth and breastfeeding. I've moved beyond that but a lot of fear has replaced it. I remember this past summer when I was doing my consent for my pelvic laparoscopy, the GYN consented me for a hysteroscopy. This *really* freaked me out - I had no problem with the laparascope, but something being inserted vaginally while I was unconscious really bothered me. This was the first inkling I had of how much trauma I carry from my section. Another sign is the tizzy I spend the leutal phase of each cycle in since my PMS symptoms are the same as pre-pregnancy symptoms. Even though I have everything charted and barring a miraculous conception I can't be pregnant, I spend that week or so convinced that I am pregnant and being terrified of it.

I've just recently been discussing this with my therapist and my husband and I are going to have a real, everything on the table talk about it after the new year. We are planning to TTC this spring/summer and I need to work through more of this. I also need him to know that he can't coast through this pregnancy like a regular dad - I'm going to need a hell of a lot more from him this time around.

Thanks for letting me share.

 

[Mynn]

Quote:

Originally Posted by veebee Pam England, author of "Birthing From Within", experienced a similar situation--a planned home birth unfolding into a very unexpected and unprepared-for cesarean birth. Her birth, her 8 years of emotional and spiritual recovery, led to the writing of that book. Her story is moving. And so very human. One of the intentions of her BFW classes is to expand the realm of birth fantasies/expectations, so that no matter how birth/postpartum unfolds, women (and those with them) can stay present, mindful, and resourceful through the twists and turns of the LabOrinth of birth.

Now someone tells me.

 

[coop_mom]

Hello mamas-

It's made me feel a lot better finding this thread and reading all of your stories

My c-section took place, after 20+ hours of labor and 5 hours of pushing and felt very medically necessary at the time (babe was OP with cord around his neck). But as time passes, the difficulties leading up to the cs starts to fade, and I begin to doubt myself

I ask DH occasionally to remind me how bad things had really gotten, and it helps reassure me that the cs was the right thing to do.

I am enjoying life with my new babe, and do have regrets about having to give up my home birth, but realize that life doesn't always work out the way I want it to, and I have to come to terms with it.

Thanks again for all your stories, and recommendations for groups that can be helpful, like ICAN. Stay strong mamas!

 

[vloky]

I am having a lot of trouble coping with my c-section which happened 10-09. It's like everything that could have gone wrong with my birth did. Thankfully I had no troubles breastfeeding once I got to hold my son 3.5 hours later. I was awake during the c-section then i turned purple and my pulse went to 180 and they put me under. I am still having slight pain and can't do much without hurthing. I also have a fistula due to them having me push for 5.5 hours before doing the c-section. (he got caught under my pelvic floor somehow and wouldn't come out..) And now my medicaid for being pregnant runs out the end of this month I have a catheter and am going to need surgery, so hopefully I qualify for medicad which I need to apply for or I am screwed. I just know once I feel better from my c-section is when I am going to be cut open again... My boyfriend is talking to lawyers and wants to sue, but I just want this nightmare to be over and I want me to be able to pee and not have to walk around with a bag of pee strapped to my leg.. If I cant get medicaid I wont even have the catheter and I'll have to go back to adult diapers. Thank god I have a mellow, calm, happy baby..

 

[InstinctiveMama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by vloky I am having a lot of trouble coping with my c-section which happened 10-09. It's like everything that could have gone wrong with my birth did. Thankfully I had no troubles breastfeeding once I got to hold my son 3.5 hours later. I was awake during the c-section then i turned purple and my pulse went to 180 and they put me under. I am still having slight pain and can't do much without hurthing. I also have a fistula due to them having me push for 5.5 hours before doing the c-section. (he got caught under my pelvic floor somehow and wouldn't come out..) And now my medicaid for being pregnant runs out the end of this month I have a catheter and am going to need surgery, so hopefully I qualify for medicad which I need to apply for or I am screwed. I just know once I feel better from my c-section is when I am going to be cut open again... My boyfriend is talking to lawyers and wants to sue, but I just want this nightmare to be over and I want me to be able to pee and not have to walk around with a bag of pee strapped to my leg.. If I cant get medicaid I wont even have the catheter and I'll have to go back to adult diapers. Thank god I have a mellow, calm, happy baby..

Oh mama, you are going through a lot right now. Good for you for reaching out and speaking up! I encourage you to check out ICAN (the International Cesearan Awareness Network) at www.ican-online.org. ICAN offers information but also a Yahoo group for discussion. You can also check the ICAN website for a chapter in your area. Your local chapter is where you can hook up with mamas in your area. They will be a good sounding board and can maybe help with options as you continue your recovery.

Sending healing wishes your way...

 

[ikesmom]

Vloky I am so sorry!

I can relate to the disappointment here because I was disappointed in missing the chance to birth for many years. I felt better as time passed but when my next baby was breech I knew that a C-section was inevitable. I started to feel the longing of a natural birth again. My uterine cavity is heart shaped. (Bicornuate) I wasn't aware of this with my first birth and had a midwife. I had 5.5 weeks left to go when my water broke. After 12 hours the midwife never returned my calls. Another midwife in the office told me to go to the hospital. After I was poked and prodded by the staff another midwife showed up. I had only seen her twice before in the office and she just graduated from student to midwife. My regular midwife showed up right before surgery.
Long story short with many complications I had an emergency c-section. I felt sad not to birth. I had hired a doula, prepared for hypno-birth, read so many books, prenatal yoga ect.

I had a loss in 2003. My baby girl had a knot in her umbilical cord and died at 5.5 months gestation. I felt sad like something in my body was really wrong. I was induced and she was so small she passed through me so quickly and It was a blur of numbness.

When my third ds was born it was c-section. He was breech and measured very large on the ultrasound. I chose the same DR. from the previous c-sect. We hoped for a natural birth but I went along with his recommendations as I was so scared to loose another baby. I tried to let go of the whole disappointment and focus on what my boy would look like, sound like, ect.

It wasn't until this past summer that I felt thankful for my c-sections. I met a little boy a few months older than my first born. He has Cerebral palsy and many disabilities. His mother has to take him to the hospital 3 times a week at times. They have many therapists and doctors. She looked very tired and worn down. After talking she told me how her midwife tried to deliver the baby and after so long he was oxygen deprived. She told me that they made her feel like a cry-baby for yelling that they needed to do something else or get her someone else. Her midwife was the same midwife I had.
My first born ds has dev delays. He is 6 and we are working through them everyday. He walks, eats, sleeps, and goes to 1st grade with all the kids on our street on the bus. He is full of joy. I often wonder what caused his delays but I don't dwell on them. He is functioning and all the interventions we have sought have not told us why he has the delays. I still think of that mom and her ds. I can't imagine how I would feel if we had the same situation. I am thankful for my c-sections! I am thankful for my birth babies, my step babies, and any babies that come my way! I give my control to God and he knows what is best for me!

I hope all of you moms have healing from your experiences. I know that each of you can birth a baby in every way if only the pieces would fit together. You are no less a mother or woman. Nurture your young and everyone around you. That is what makes a mother.

 

[Birth Junky]

Vloky, Ikesmom,

 

[MoonStarFalling]

It took me 18 months to even start healing from my experience. I was in denial up until then with the old 'all that matters is a healthy baby' line I was given in recovery. The guilt is what ate me up for so long. Even after three years I still felt so guilty because I showed up for an induction which of course I know now was asking for trouble. I got sectioned because I didn't fight hard enough. I seemed impossible to just forgive myself. I healed a lot after my second pregnancy and even more at the 4 year mark. But I was stuck in a revolving door not sure where to go for a long time. I wanted so badly to heal but the guilt and anger wouldn't go away. A 'healing' vbac did help me some. I was able to do things a little differently and that made me finally a little proud of myself and some of that guilt went away. I can't ever take back what happened. But I can inform myself so that it doesn't happen to me again and I can help other women too. Just doing those two things is what helped me really move on.

Some people talk about not expecting too much from childbirth. It's true, I did expect way too much. I expected to be treated with caring respect. I did not expect to be verbally and physically abused and sectioned without my consent. I only go in with a full coat of armor now.

 

[smallmama]

Oh, definitely. DH and I always wanted several kids, and battled infertility for years to get this little guy. Now we're seriously torn on whether or not to even try for anymore.

Not only did I not get the natural vaginal birth I wanted, but the complications from my epidural were potentially life-threatening. DS's heartrate kept decelling from the minute we got the hospital, after my water broke. I was scared and was urged into getting an epidural before I even felt a contraction. His heartrate stabilized for a little while, so I "labored" (meaning I lay on my side feeling nothing with an oxygen mask, pulse-ox, BP cuff, catheter, and 2 monitors strapping me down) for several hours. Then his heartrate seriously dropped, plus I'd dilated a whopping centimeter in 12 hours.

But, at some point during the transfer to the OR table, the epidural needle slipped and I became temporarily paralyzed from the neck down. I couldn't breathe, and couldn't communicate what was wrong. I literally thought I was dying and just prayed they'd get DS out in time. I remember thinking that DH would be a great dad without me there. Then I heard the anesthesiolgist freaking out, realizing what had happened. He ventilated me, then called for the OB, who was still getting ready. My DH was in the hall outside the OR and saw her coming running down the hall, still having her gown tied. I got put under general anesthesia, and DH wasn't allowed in the room. He says that was the most terrifying few moments of his life, listening to the commotion inside.

I went through a horrible recovery and kept asking if I had a boy or girl and no one knew. After 4 hours, I finally got to see my son. (He'd already been given a bottle for low blood sugar.

) I hate that neither of my baby's parents were really there for his birth. Neither of us can ever tell him if he cried right away, or which part came out first, or what color he was...

The anesthesiologist came to my room the next day to explain what had happened and that he'd never seen it in his 30+ years of experience. He told me I could've died and recommended getting counseling for PTSD. Man, I lost it at that. Probably should've taken his advice, I still have awful flashbacks at almost 6 mo PP.

Now, I'm terrified of having any more anesthesia. The only option that leaves is a med-free VBAC. I have a lot more thinking/research to do to get comfortable with that. DH is even more terrified than I am and is determined that we are done. I might just have to go behind his back.

: (JOKING!!)

I'm relieved to hear I'm not alone, and I'm going to check out ICAN - thanks for the link.

 

[chiromama]

Smallmama, your story made me cry. I'm sorry your birth was so traumatic. It's not too late to see someone for PTSD. I still have flashbacks too, and plan on calling someone in Jan.

I hope 2007 brings you peace.

 

[Selesai]

I've been avoiding this thread for a while.
I had a C-section with my baby boy in June 06. I had prepared for a natural birth, albeit with a crunchy OB in a medical center. My water broke at 7am. Like a dummy, I went to the hospital shortly thereafter. No contractions yet, and the dr on call told me to go, as did my MIL. I think that was the beginning of the end. Pit drip, epidural, I tried pushing but he was stuck. I think he was flipping posterior and back. I had a high temp. They told me his heart rate was slowing down a bit. I think the OB thought he was very large too (he was 9.7).
The C itself was very painful/uncomfortable. I didn't get to hold P as soon as he arrived, though my DH took pictures and held him. P was born w/ clubfoot, which made DH very sad at first (because he has clubfoot). P was calm and happy, as is his way, and DH was with him the whole 1.5 hrs before I saw him (you know, the time where you're being further traumatized by the squeezing of your uterus and the violent shaking they tell you is 'normal' for all women after birth). Happily, aside from the beginning pain of bfing, that part of our relationship has been wonderful.
For other reasons too the birth was so much less than ideal. I keep thinking next time it will be different, but next time it won't be P. It will be a different sweet baby.
I feel like I was robbed of something. I often think of what I could have done to avoid the C. walking around, not going to the hospital so soon, choosing a midwife, declining pit, etc.
I have realized today, though, that mostly I feel like I robbed my son of something.

Thanks for letting me talk.

 

[SMoody]

I also had to get a c-section done. that is after I wanted to have a waterbirth. They tried to give me an spinal block for the c-section and it didnt work as I have spina bifida. Well they had to put me totally out. I insisted that hubby do Kango care with her and I continued after I woke up.

For a while after that when I see movies with natural birth or c-sections where they get to hold the baby immediatly I just wanted to cry and felt like a failure of some sort.

But I remind myself everyday that if if if isnt going to change anything. I can only to a certain degree change today and the future. Turn the negative into a positive. I am really grateful I got the c-section done. My next one will be as well. My daughters skul was crushed against my pubic bone when they took her out. So there is no way she would have come naturally. I had a few mc's beforehand and almost lost her in the beginning as well.

I think it is something you need to go talk to a councillor with as it can sometimes affect your relationship with your child. I know that I dont topped about it anymore. Her birth was special in its own way and does it really matter how they come into this world? They are here and they are healthy.

BTW I have a clubfoot too due to spina bifida and was also scared my child will get it.

 

[Devaskyla]

s to all the mamas. I had a c-section for my first son, over 5 years ago. I don't think I'll ever really get over it. Having a UBAC for my second son made a big difference in a lot of ways. I still sometimes feel like writing the ob who told me after the section that I was too small to ever give birth and telling him how very wrong he was.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Birth Junky And even then, I wonder if the HBAC might just make things worse, by making me FULLY realize what I missed the first time around. :

For me, it did, but mostly because I've always believed that the c-section was completely unnecessary. Giving birth with almost the exact same circumstances proved that it was.

Quote:

Originally Posted by aira For those who have been dealing with this longer... Do you have sense that time has kinda stopped? Like, the crisis struck and even though it's "over" you're just stuck in it? I guess that's a hallmark of PTSD, which I've been diagnosed with, but I'm wondering if you've felt this way, and have you overcome it?

I still feel as though I'm 'stuck'. I don't think about it every day anymore, but it's still there, especially when birthing or babies comes up. Every time I see a pregnant woman, especially ones with their first babies, I just want to educate them, let them know everything I've learned & help them avoid being cut. Everytime I read how it's 'just another way to have a baby' or hear women choosing to have one & gushing about how 'great' they are, I feel sick & so *very* angry.

I've never been diagnosed with PTSD, but I almost think I do have it. I never even considered it a possibilty until a few months ago, when I watched something dh taped for me...tried to watch might be closer. It was one of those plastic surgery shows & when it go to showing the operation, I got horribly panicy, nauseaus & started shaking violently.

My birth stories
http://www.plus-size-pregnancy.org/B...'s%20Story
http://www.freemom.co.nr/

 

[aira]

Ah, thanks Devaskyla.

I don't think about it all the time anymore either, but I also just don't feel. Things have become very repressed in me since the fated car accident and birth. There are other issues as well, but in all the chaos - and having a child to nurture - where is the space for me to heal?

I feel like I need a vision quest of sorts, to heal and process all that's happened.

Time hasn't made it better. Just more numb.

 

[Devaskyla]

Quote:

Originally Posted by aira I feel like I need a vision quest of sorts, to heal and process all that's happened. Time hasn't made it better. Just more numb.

Yes, that's exactly how I feel.

 

[lauraheartslittle1]

((hugs))
It is hard. My little one is almost two... and just very recently, I've arrived at a point where I can accept it, where I realize that truly there was no other way for him to enter the world, where I know that a section was not a failure on my behalf but merely a very unfortunate circumstance that made my desired birth unreachable. It's hard. My dc was transverse. They *thought* he was head down. I was in labor for 20 hours under the impression that he was. In fact, they did not realize that he was transverse until they made the incision and were ready to bring him into the world. He appeared to be head down in the AFI the day I had before he was born, but I'm guessing the technician didn't view it right (honestly... an almost 7lb baby... I would have felt him flip from head down posterior presentation to transverse, kwim?) Were it not for having a section, my arms would be empty, but it doesn't make the pain any less to cope with in the beginning.