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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
(ok, so I'm living in a dream world that this will be the last time but just go with it, ok? LOL)

~~~

So DH called her on Friday to discuss her behavior (rudeness towards me which ended in her pushing me a few weeks ago and her inability to interract nicely with our son). She flat out denied ever doing anything wrong. She just emailed me about Christmas and said this:

Quote:
I love you ChristyMarie and want us to be close and have a wonderful family life. Please forgive me for anything I have done to offend you and let's have a new start. We are so happy for your little family and so want a part in it. Do you want to make Gingerbread Men again this year??
For the record, we made gingerbread men last year together at my suggestion because I thought it would be an activity we would enjoy (I'm a very good baker) ~ instead I did *everything* wrong and it was an awful afternoon of frustration. They turned out awful and she blamed me. I now know she ommitted a very important step (letting the dough set in the fridge or freezer before rolling) as I've been looking for recipes to make on my own this year. Um...remember Marie purposely giving Debra the wrong recipe on Everyone Loves Raymond??? Yeah, MIL claimed she had no idea why the dough wouldn't roll or cut right and told me to keep adding flour and kneading. Remember, this was her recipe and I've never made a roll it out cookie dough before.

Anyways....the "easy" way out would be to respond that everything is fine, yadda yadda yadda.

The new "stand up for myself and not be treated like trash" part of me says that she doesn't get to let it go that easy because she'll just do the same thing again. And, DH didn't bring up her behavior towards our son, he was waiting to do that later (basically he lost his nerve). I'd like to lay out in writing what I feel she has done that is inappropriate, what I expect in the future, and what consequences there will be if she acts that way again.

UGH!!!

What would you do?
 

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i would accept her apology. i know you're hurt; she obviously knows it too, or she wouldn't have written what she did. I think you could also mirror her desire to have a close-knit family.

aside from this, perhaps a new tradition is in order. perhaps you could make cookies, but make multiple kinds of cookies. She can do whatever her 'best recipe' is and you can do whatever your 'best recipe' is--assuming that you have enough kitchen space to run two projects at once.

if not, perhaps there is a craft project that you can do instead or something which will have the same 'family bonding' effect.
 

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I think you can accept her apology and still stand up for yourself. I have to be very careful with my MIL, it seems like they were maybe in the same pod. I think you can write her back and say, "I'd be happy to get together and do a Christmas project with you and DS. Let's do one that we're both familiar with so that we don't have a disaster like last year. After we do the project, DH and I would like to talk to you a little about DS and some parenting techniques that we'd like you to get on board with." Or something like that. Whenever I have problems with how someone is acting towards my son, I either say, "We don't really do that with him, here's why, and here's what we do instead," or I will tell them that we are trying a "new" technique and explain it to them briefly. I use this a lot with my babysitter when I realize she's doing something I'm not a big fan of.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by captain optimism View Post
1. Accept apology.

2. Decline invitation to make cookies! That sounds like bad news.

3. Stick with the limits you are setting!
I totally agree.
 

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My mother in law and I had the same on, off relationship. To make a very long story short, I figured out that she only wanted to feel like she was still the queen bee. So in instances when it didn't really matter who was right or wrong, I just let her take it. When we had arguments dealing with my kids, like when she told me I was a bad mom for not riding with dh to drop off the kids, I let her have it. She gained more respect for me for speaking out in matters like this, and she appreciated that I acknowledged her need to be "in charge". I don't know what kind of issues you are dealing with as far as you mil with your kids (i must have missed your previous posts...), but I would always stand up for what you believe as far as that goes. As far as issues with gingerbread baking and such you have to just choose your own battles. I really like the ideas about baking seperate cookies, too.

It took a very long time for me to figure out my mil. VERY LONG. By the time I had her figured out and we could share space comfortably most of the time, she was diagnosed with lung cancer. She passed away almost 4 months ago to the date. We had alot of hard times together, but there were so many good times, too. I hope that you have good times with your mil to balance out the bad. Good luck to you.
 

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I can see the tiger trap behind that apology.

Do you absolutely have to see her at the holidays?

If so, will the cookie thing distract her from doing worse things? If yes, then you could always bring a simple recipe and all materials for maximum idiot proofing. If no, say something about how you want to keep things low-key now that ds is around and just spend family time together (bleah), and force your husband to be at your side at all time.

It's tough, I know what it's like to want things to be different and hope that they will be. But really it's another chance to be disappointed. However, maybe going along with it will prove to your husband how toxic the situation is? She's put it in writing that she's all sweet, but if her actions don't match, it's pretty obvious what to do next.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by mommitola View Post
I can see the tiger trap behind that apology.
So did my DH!!!!

I forwarded her email to him (she had only sent the "apology" to me). He wrote about a three page response detailing everything he was talking to her on the phone about. Tons of examples, tons of "this is not acceptable behavior in our home" statements, tons of telling her what she must do in order to be welcomed back into our home for the holidays. He told her how she must behave towards us as well as our son.

Now I'm sure WWIII is about to break out but I am so proud of him for standing up to her. I know how hard that was for him to do.

I love this man. Can I nominate him for sainthood?
 

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You are a bigger person than I am. If one of my inlaws laid a hand on me, I would press charges, if I didn't left hook their jaw.

I am not a violent person, normally, but I have had enough inlaw issues to be on my guard. I also would not let her back "in" if it were my MIL.

You are very kind. She should kiss your feet.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by ChristyMarie View Post
So did my DH!!!!

I forwarded her email to him (she had only sent the "apology" to me). He wrote about a three page response detailing everything he was talking to her on the phone about. Tons of examples, tons of "this is not acceptable behavior in our home" statements, tons of telling her what she must do in order to be welcomed back into our home for the holidays. He told her how she must behave towards us as well as our son.

Now I'm sure WWIII is about to break out but I am so proud of him for standing up to her. I know how hard that was for him to do.

I love this man. Can I nominate him for sainthood?

I'll second that nomination!
 

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He sounds like a great man! I don't think I commented on the last thread, but I did read it, and I'm glad to see an update! I guess I"m lucky b/c I have a pretty good MIL. My parents are the problem! UGH! It sucks!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by captain optimism View Post
1. Accept apology.

2. Decline invitation to make cookies! That sounds like bad news.


:
 

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Where are your other posts about what she did to your kids? I saw you mention that but don't know what she did. I'm just curious, or nosy, whatever you want to call it. I must have missed where she pushed you, too. That's awful. I'm sorry you're going through that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·

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i'm so glad that your DH took care of this (again--since phone was the first time). this is very important. i can't explain why, but i know that it is. LOL!

hopefully, it will really work out. i didn't read the baby issue--only the pushing one, which was really intense and unnecessary. i'll catch up by reading the first.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by mommitola View Post
I can see the tiger trap behind that apology.
I agree. She sounds like she has realized you guys might actually cut her off and she's going to play nice out of desperation. That kind of "nice" only goes so far. Bravo on you both for handling this so well
 
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