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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi Mamas,<br>
I really need your help/perspective/advice.<br>
I've been married for almost 3 years, to a man who is married to his mother.<br>
My MIL is extremely jeolous, controlling and manipulative and DH (POSSIBLY?) has Asperger.<br>
Before my baby was born, the marriage was pretty good BECAUSE relationship with my MIL was somewhat OK (although not without jeolousy, competition, and put downs on her part. She always tried to show my DH that she is much classier, more womanly, more loving than me) The reason why the relationship with her was somewhat normal ( and subsequently my relationship with DH) was that it was really superficial and she did not really get involved too much.<br>
After the baby was born, since she is the only relative nearby (My family is in the another country, so I have no family here) she was often in our house the first days to "help". That was the dumbest thing on my part-to let her in my relationship with DH. She was creating situations where she showed DH how much she loves, respects, and treasures DH, and how I am not. She is the ultimate authority for DH, and he always wants to please her ( when he wants to please me she goes nuts)So DH picked the atmosphere and sided with MIL on everything, was not nice to me at all. Dh was tuning me out and neglecting me, and when I asked something, he started to roll my eyes, and when I expressed frustration, she started telling me in front of him, how "not nice" i am treating him, and how disrespectful of him I am. So except rejoicing and being with my baby, those first weeks were pure hell. My DH was totally unsupportive and extremely cold. He told me all those things, that she was telling him about me. I remeber I did not sleep for 4 days after giving birth. I remeber feeling extremely heart broken, betrayed, lonely, unsupported and totally rejected by him( I still feel the same, but then it was like a shock, plus there was no family of my own to support or be on my side at those) vulnerable time after giving birth.<br>
Since then, my relationships with MIL and subsequently with DH went downhill.<br>
Now my baby is a toddler and I can say I've been raising her by myself. My DH NEVER changed her diaper, never feed her with the spoon, never read to her. He also does not do ANYTHING around the house. He was absent emotionally and phisically.(MIL used to say to him stuff like "Let her do her work, she is not a little girl/made of glass" "If she'll suck you into herself, she'll ruin your career- don't let her ruin your career"<br>
WE used to go for walks before baby, do something like movies and etc, now he appears to have no time neither to talk, nor do smth. He makes OK living which allows me to be SAHM. He is always gone ( his occupation is with performing arts so he practices a lot, but that not an issue) I feel and know that he doesn't want to spend time neither with me/nor his daughter. I feel like I am a burden and he'd rather be someplace else, he stays with us out of obligation. I am very exhausted to do everything myself without his help, or somewhat little involvement( I am sure many of you mamas also feel that way too). I feel he doesn't care at all.<br>
Actually, when he is not with me, I feel much better, because, when he is with me he tunes me out, rolles his eyes ,looks at the clock every five seconds sighs annoyedly and appears very annoyed and always wants to leave. When I try to tell how I feel, he just plain does not care at all. All this makes me feel horrible, my self-esteem goes down to drain in moments like. I feel like I must be so annoying, horrible and boring that my own husband can't stand being around me. I know that is not true, my friends and people I know enjoy my compamy it seems, and nobody tunes me out, disregard or reject me like he does.<br>
WE also oviously don't have any sex life. He never hits on me, never looks at me, never initiates anything. IT also makes me very deperessed, as if I am so unaatractive and worthless as a woman. (I know That'snot true, but I feel that way around him)<br>
I feel very lonely and extremely isolated. I do love him, but it seems as if he is somehow bewitched, I can't get through to him<br>
Anyway, I am very lost at what is happening and why, is it MIL( she continously influences my DH against me and tells him stuff that he'd be better off without me , that I am ruining his life, that I am using him (for what?), that I don't love and respect him, that he deserves better and he really acts accordinly ),<br>
Aspergers, Complete egocentrism, not giving a damn about me.<br>
What is it? Why he treats me this way? Is it abusive?<br>
How can I survive all this? How can I preserve my self-esteem?How not to be in so much pain when he rejects and tunes me out?<br>
Mamas, THANK YOU so much for reading and please forgive me for such a long post.PLEASE help me if you can with any advice/ideas, I'd really appreciate it, because sometimes it becomes unbearable.<br>
(We tried counseling already - did not help)<br>
Love,<br>
cabbage
 

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Reading about your situation made me so sad. No, I can't say it sounds like a marriage, to me. Sounds like he feels trapped in an obligation to you and your daughter, and is trying to fulfill the obligation but is not enjoying his family at all.<br><br>
Have you asked him if he wants to stay married, and if so, why?<br><br>
And ask yourself too. Are the reasons you stay purely financial? Because staying with him enables you to be a SAHM?<br><br>
Or do you think that for some reason he will suddenly change back to the way he was pre-baby?<br><br>
I'd suggest taking a good hard look at yourself and your reasons for staying, and then working out the logistics of being a single parent. Because for all intents and purposes you are a single parent, and neither you nor your child seem to be getting anything out of your continuing relationship with your husband except financial support. So ask yourself how you would survive if he suddenly died or became disabled, and see what you can do to start moving towards the goal of financial and emotional independence.<br><br>
I am considering a divorce or separation too, and know how hard it can be to even think about it as an option. But remember, parental stress DOES effect the brain development of a young child. You may owe it your child to do whatever it takes to make you happy and relaxed.
 

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I too agree that your situation doesn't sound like a marriage. It sounds rather odd but really moreso abusive emotionally and neglectful. Is there a way for you to return to your home country and be with your family? If you don't have the money, could family send it to you? This man is taking your soul from you it sounds like and you need to escape this horribly negative entrapping environment. He obviously is not a good father if he takes no part in caring for your child. Let him have his mother if that's what he wants. You'll be better off without him. You cannot do anything to solve his issues. They are his but you don't have to let him ruin the rest of your life and your child's life. I know that sounds rather harsh but you need to realize that the only way to change this situation is for you to get out it sounds like. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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I feel for you.<br><br>
Been through a divorce w/ then, 2 & 3 y/o dds. You are the biggest role model your girl will ever have. You want her to be happy in her life- you need to show her how real people practically accomplish that. If fixing things with her daddy won't work, you need to fix things for yourself and her (- I thinks kids feel tension much more acutely than adults-) so she won't have to go through the same emotional abuse you are going through. Have strength mamma, you can do it.
 

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I'm sorry you're going through this. He and his mother sound like really negative people. No MIL should be involved in their son's relationship and say bad things to him about his wife and mother of their grandchild. Is there a trusted person you could talk to about all these issues? I wish you the very best <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/heartbeat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="heartbeat">
 

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Skip counselling make a plan.<br><br>
I think most men have aspergers especially emmotional aspergers <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
1. You need MIL in a position where she doesn't control your life or your dh.<br>
MOVE.<br><br>
2. My husband doesn't have a friendship call to chat relationship with my mother why should I call his and tell her about our lives? my dh can do that we talk about the weather if she asks to speak to me, but I assume when she calls it is to talk to her son so she gets the answering machine my mom doesn't call my dh why should I? I let it go to the machine, call my dh and tell him to call his mother. *Unless she really needs me for something....nah even then its his mother.<br><br>
2. Dh can go spend time with his mom without you, take the baby for coffee give you a break.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Now my baby is a toddler and I can say I've been raising her by myself. My DH NEVER changed her diaper, never feed her with the spoon, never read to her. He also does not do ANYTHING around the house.</td>
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Girl you got to take responsibility for part of that, like really if he didn't wash his own socks what would he wear? Sit down have meeting divide up chores, etc. I told my man it was a measure of his masculinity that he could do everything I could (Diaper, bedtimes etc) Stand up for yourself, he's being a jerk but you should not be passive, don't give him choices or as much rope as he has...start shaking things up a bit <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
But I think part of it is with a mom like that he probably doesn't feel like much of a man/provider/father really he can't not take his mommy's advice he's that controlable....<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">What is it? Why he treats me this way? Is it abusive?</td>
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Yes it is abuse, but with a history of 'emmotional incest' like that what normal coping mechanisms was he going to pick up?<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">How can I survive all this? How can I preserve my self-esteem?</td>
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stop giving it away, don't react oddly to his behavior react how a normal person would....ANd girl don't take it personal he has huge attachment issues and you need to get him away from that emmotional vampire.<br><br>
He needs to be a man and choose his wife over his mother - duh.<br>
So call a meeting with him, paper and pen and make a plan (don't cry, dont' blame etc) for your lives from the day to day schedual ( I need a shower before you go to work bozo <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> to the I am going to go for coffee/library by myself for one hour every saturday. Be assertive you have rights needs start fulfilling them. Men are just the desserts not the entree of our lives!<br><br>
Sure you could plan to leave him but honestly I am not sure how unnormal this behavior is in the early stages of a marriage they call it a honeymoon, I call it hellish turfwarfare adjustment period...<br><br>
So next time you smell poo tell honey its your turn.<br>
Call honey for dinner and put daughter in highchair but pass him the baby's food and oh the roast needs a minute.<br><br>
Then make a list of selfish things you want to do.<br>
*get MIL a seperate ring tone <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br>
but don't neglect yourself to make things smoother.<br>
=what about a woman's book club? gym?<br>
can you use MIL to have a date night?<br><br>
and set rules like dh doesn't say anything his mother says to him about your family, yourself etc. NOTHING those conversations are private....<br><br>
and if anything works for you let me know.<br>
I told dh I will do what he does and treat him the way he treats me if that's acceptable to him or he better change.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> take control girl it should be interesting...but don't become like his mother or you'll watch the emmotionally abusive frustrated man turn into the son his mother has a controllable wimp. Maybe you should talk to someone yourself about not necessarily how he hurts you but how to set up boundaries and start loving yourself again as these guys drain alot....
 

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Definitely read up on emotional abuse. His mom is an abuser, and he has learned it from her, but he's an adult now and he can choose to get therapy or stay the same. Can you get away to your family for awhile?
 

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Okay, I'm going to be a bit harsher, because I have had problems with both of my in-laws and can totally feel your pain! I would tell your husband that you are very serious about leaving and that he needs to make a choice. If he wants to be married to his mother, wish him luck and get the heck out of Dodge. If he wants to make thing work with you, he needs to seriously re-evaluate his relationship with his mother and make some very big changes. In my case, my DH and I decided to move 1300 miles away from his parents. I am very happy, of course. But my DH is even happier. He says he didn't realize how much control they were trying to exert over his (and my) life. It's like getting out of jail!
 

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Wow I am so sad for your situation! I think that you should stay married only if your partner is giving and respectful. That sounds like a hurtfull way to live day in and day out. No sex no touching....not OK! Who cares what the MIL says or thinks, she is not deserving of your energy. If she ever butts into your conversation find the strength to let her know that you need her to start respecting your place as the wife of her son or she won't be allowed to come over. Definately begin the hunt for other options and start leaving your daughter with him to care for a few hours a week so you can get out and mingle with other adults who care about you. It sounds to me like you know that you need to make a change because he is never going to change. I wish you strength and courage and hope that you will one day have a lover that adores you....as you should!
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> i'm so sorry <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Oh Mamas,<br>
From the bottom of my heart - THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!<br>
I really really appreciate advice/hugs/taking time to read/reply from each of you. My love to you all.<br><br>
(Sorry, I can't figure out how to quote the posts, so I'll just do it the way I can)<br><br>
Summermama asked : "Have you asked him if he wants to stay married, and if so, why?And ask yourself too. Are the reasons you stay purely financial? Because staying with him enables you to be a SAHM?"<br><br>
If I ask him that, he says he wants to stay married because he loves me, but when I ask him why does he treat me this way ,he says 1. (if he is not under MIL influence)that he'll never do it again, he'll do much better next time and etc. OR 2. (under influence) Gives lots of excuses in a very distant, "dignified and classy"<br>
but very cold tone of voice ( resembling MIL voice) that the way I treat him is unacceptable and it's all my fault. Actuallly under MIL infl. he really becomes unreasonable.<br>
The reasons I am staying:<br>
I was alone in this country for many years and I really did not want to go back to my birth country, because of my mother who was emotionally abusive and neglecting, and when I got here I felt so free and so myself, like having wings. Even though I was very happy and working on my studies, I always wanted to have a family, to belong, to build a life with smbd. So when we got introduced we hit it off and I felt in love. I saw him as a very kind, handsome, very very nice and gentle, very succesful - he was an embodiment of what I was aspiring to be professionally. He very soon proposed and I felt SOOOO flattered and happy , that he already loved me so much. We married, soon decided to have a child, and everything was pretty good until MIL got in the house, involved and etc.<br>
I want so much to provide for my baby the best future and opportunities and be SAHM while she needs me the most, but I am afraid I would not be able to afford any of that if I move on. And I will never ever forgive myself for taking away those opportunities away from her and I'll feel unbearably guilty.Before I'll seriously consider in my heart to move on, I'd like to either get back to my career(requires moving to different state) or get another(have to go to school and get a new degree), all of this is quite impossible now, while she is so little and so attached.<br>
The fact that he is not present most of the time (therefore no tuning out, no rejection, no feeling unworthy or so horrendously boring and unbearable) at least saves on my frustration and negative emotions. I am very very exhaused to do everything myself (shopping, cooking, cleaning, baby care and etc.), but I think of what will change if I'll leave. Now I am tired SAHM, then I'll be tired WOHM mom with much less to provide for my baby. At least now I am with my baby.<br>
(Sorry mamas if I smtimes sound unclear - it's quite late and I am so sleepy, but I'd really like to reply)<br><br>
Shiloh asked:"MOVE"<br><br>
I wish I could BUT ( get this mamas )my DH works WITH MIL. They both are holding good jobs and both are tenured. MIL is a senior very powerful collegue and has TONS of INFLUENCE. She is "queen bee" there. DH calls her "very respectable member of the group"<br><br>
Shiloh asked: "Girl you got to take responsibility for part of that, like really if he didn't wash his own socks what would he wear? Sit down have meeting divide up chores, etc. I told my man it was a measure of his masculinity that he could do everything I could (Diaper, bedtimes etc) Stand up for yourself, he's being a jerk but you should not be passive, don't give him choices or as much rope as he has...start shaking things up a bit "<br><br>
I tried, but DH is SOOOOOOOOOOOOO clumsy. I am serously afraid of accidents. I will not going to go too much into the reasons, but I truly believe that he just can't do those chores. He asked me long time before to teach him how to do chores but I swear it is a big challenge for him to even change a light bulb without an accident. dishes are out too, the way how he continuosly rinses them leaves them with all the food what was on them.<br>
If I ask him to go for a walk with the baby around neighbourhood, baby scream so loud and he doesn't know how to talk to her, how to calm her down, so he just keep walking while she screams.<br><br>
The thing is that as I understand most men need smth from their partners (companionship, sex, romance, family and etc) and it gives some sort of leverage or power for ladies to negotiate the relationship. You do this - you'll get this type of thing. But it feels to me that DH doesn't really need any of that from me, therefore I can't really negotiate too much, he'll just tune me out or walk away, and I can't do anything with my frustration, except try to see him less and concentrate on surviving.<br><br>
"and set rules like dh doesn't say anything his mother says to him about your family, yourself etc. NOTHING those conversations are private...."<br>
The thing is that DH does not say anything what she says, I just see a turnaround in the way he treats me<br><br><br>
Camiroo said: "I would tell your husband that you are very serious about leaving and that he needs to make a choice."<br>
I told him many times, but I think he knows I am not in the position as of right now, I think he doesn't take me seriously on that.<br><br>
mother culture said: "start leaving your daughter with him to care for a few hours a week"<br>
He never home during the day and he doesn't know how to relate to her, so the moment I try leave she screams and becomes inconsolable, it only happens with DH, because when I left her with babysitter smtimes, or even MIL she is perfectly fine.<br><br>
So, again mamas, THANKS TO ALL OF YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!<br>
So, if you have any further suggestions/advice I will very much appreciate<br>
it.<br><br>
LOVE AND HUGS TO ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!<br><br>
cabbage
 

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Cabbage I still think that this is not a situation worth staying in for you. Yes you get to be with your child but you need to start ACTIVELY figuring out how you will get out of there. If you are in a country with even a moderate social welfare system you could use those government services until you get on your feet. I know being a SAHM is important to you but a child growing up in a house where mom is emotionally abused by a neglectful father is not being a good mom either. I know that sounds harsh but you are setting an example for your daughter.<br><br>
You said you can't move because MIL and DH have good jobs. I don't understand this. Is it that you could not economically survive without them supporting you? or is it that they would be your only route of employment? Can you start to branch out and network and build more friends so that you have some relationships to pull on when you're ready to get out? Do you have friends where you live? Can you set aside some money even if it's out of the grocery money or whatever each week into a seperate account to start to save for a move-out?<br><br>
Can you stop doing chores for him? Let the house be in shambles. Cause his life to be rocked by his lack of involvment. Stand up for yourself when he blames. You have to be strong for your dd. You have to show her that women are powerful and can make it without depending on an abusive man. He is being passive-agressive about the house chores stuff. Let him fail. It's the only way for him to learn. Just tell him you're no longer doing ____ chores that they are his responsibility and LIVE WITH THE CONSEQUENCES of those choices. YOU have taught him that you will do it all and you have to teach him otherwise now. You need to start taking steps toward your personal dignity now.<br><br>
From your last post it doesn't sound like you or he takes these issues as seriously as others who are reading it do. Does it just bother you kind of or do you think it's an atrocity? Do you think respect is one of the most important aspects of a home or is it financial stability that is more important?<br><br>
You sounded like you were making excuses for his behavior in your last post. Every human being that has functioning hands and body can wash dishes. And the rest of house work as well. It's an effort issue. Not an ability issue.
 

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Cabbage - I'm so sorry you and your dd are having to go through this. It doesn't sound like your dh is able to provide an emotionally safe, loving environment for your dd to thrive in.<br><br>
My cousin had a very similar situation (except it was her FIL that was calling the shots with her dh). Her ex-dh was extremely emotionally abusive to her. She spent years being worn out, depressed, critical of herself and making excuses for him. Until he was the one that left. She's now a WOHM and has more energy to play and be present for her little boy. She spent so much energy trying to make everything *perfect* for him ~ to prove to FIL (and thus, to ex-dh) that she was good enough, etc ~ even though she was *always* worthy of dh's love and affection. It was never her ~ it was him. But, she convinced herself it was her and felt trapped and made excuses to herself, ds and everyone else that things weren't really that bad. He's draining your energy ~ even when he's not there because you spend time worrying, thinking, rationalizing his behavior.<br><br>
Re: the chores, dishes, etc. He can definitely do them. Monkeys can do it. It's just easier for him to have you believe he'd break everything. Then, I guess that's what would happen until he was able to figure out a way to do the dishes without breaking them.... Buy plastic dishes.<br><br>
I agree with the other pps. Try to be more proactive rather than reactive in your thinking. Figure out a plan to free yourself and your dd. Like someone else said, how would you support yourself if he died suddenly? Go from there in thinking of a plan. Do any of your friends have connections that would help you find a job? Could you contact anyone from your previous job?<br><br>
My cousin says that things were difficult for her in the beginning by herself ~ to figure out a plan, get into a groove, etc. But, in the long run, she's so much happier, has more energy and life to her.<br><br>
I wish you the best. You have more strength than you give yourself credit. You moved to a foreign country without knowing anyone ~ that takes a lot of courage, strength and confidence. You have it all in you...
 
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