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I'm doing lots of catching up on my reading and will have lots of questions and be asking for lots of opinions in the coming weeks I'm sure...

but right now im still clueless about a lot of the discipline styles and etc. I'm trying to read up and figure out what category we relate to the closest, and where i want to be and etc.... so when i do start asking opinions i can specify our place on the spectrum... because there are obviously wide variations of gd and we are somewhere in the middle.... right now I can just say we practice gentle discipline (duh) and i try to be non-punitive (obviously no spanking, but no time outs, "corner time" (like he gets at his dad's ugh!) or taking privelages away, etc). like I said when I'm done with my reading ill have a better idea of what "group" we fall into (or at least what mix of it all....)

BUT can i have some opinions on this stuff? I know ill figure it out for myself eventually, but I'd like to hear what others have to say about this basic stuff...

ive just started looking into UP (and realizing i fall a lot into that already (kind of like i was when someone mentioned AP to me haha... i was doing it all already), anyway i'm wondering if there is a difference in positive reinforcement and praise? I almost always try to avoid overexaggerated praise for thigns that should be expected (helping put toys away, coming inside for dinner, etc) but i do usually acknowledge and thank DS for his efforts (and i have to say i appreciate it when he thanks me for simple things like that at times too.. I feel I'm teaching him to show appreciation by modeling it?)...

but i have been giving LOTS of overexaggerated praise for DS using the potty.... He has struggled with fear and painful BMs from holding it in and he's just recently started using the potty for that and I really make a big deal out of it and tell him how awesome it is that he isn't scared anymore... but i wonder sometimes (especially after reading a little about the problems with praise) if that will make him feel worse if there are times he DOESNT go to the potty, KWIM? another example of modeling though, he does cheer and clap for me when i potty now haha.. kind of makes me embarrassed


Also ive wondered a lot about natural/logical consequences.... and how they fall in (if they do at all) with CL and TCS... (I'm **** learning all the acronyms... i remember tcs from when i joined here but up and cl werent used (or i never noticed them... but there were other acronyms that seem missing now i think... i dont know haha) i like to think im non punitive, (at least i want to be) but for example, if DS wont stay where i can see him in our yard (he likes to run to the front of the house near the street, we have no fence and i care for other children and i really have to try to keep them all in the back yard) i often just bring everyone in the house... but then I feel like I am punishing all of them for DS pushing the limits... then i realize that i am punishing him and wondering if there is a better solution (like i said I'm sure I'll have lots of posts like that soon askig for opinions of certain situations) ... another example, if DS gets mad and is hitting the table with something (a spoon, a toy, whatever) and I take it away, where does that fall on the spectrum... is it a logical consequence or a punishment? (id think a consequence would be the toy breaking or the table breaking haha which im trying to avoid)...

like I said I just want to get opinions on positive reinforcement vs. praise.. and consequences versus punishment... I'd just like to see how others make the distinction among those.....

thanks! any other comments are welcomed too haha. i used to be very well read on so many mdc topics and i feel like a newbie all over again
 

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I feel as though positive reinforcement is different because it focuses not on your emotion, but on the act, if that makes sense. There's no "I'm so proud of you!!!" but a simple "You went in the potty" with a smile. It gives them something - a positive direction, an acknowledgement of their work, while still letting them own the accomplishment and their feelings. It's going on their cues, not yours.

Of course, I could be misunderstanding the words 'positive reinforcement'
and you could be talking about handing out stickers.

As for logical/natural consequences....I think it depends on your intent. Are you helping or punishing? If you are helping, you seem to have a broader range of responses - giving him an upside down bowl to hit, teaching him other ways of expressing his anger, giving him a crayon and paper to get frustrated with, helping him accept limits that cannot be moved....

I am not CL/UP, btw. Just general ol' GP.
 

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When you take all the kids in because one goes in the front yard it is a safety issue. It is not punishment.

If a child is hitting a table with a spoon and you take it away it is not a punishment. A logical consequence would be not getting to use the spoon when it was time to eat.

As far as potty training praise - whatever works!

I don't think you can be somewhere in the middle with gentle discipline. It is somethine that takes a commitment. I think gentle discipline means no physical punishment and using parenting skills that match the needs of the developing child.

My children are now adults. Without Spanking or Spoiling was the book that most shaped my mothering.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Jposey View Post

but i have been giving LOTS of overexaggerated praise for DS using the potty.... He has struggled with fear and painful BMs from holding it in and he's just recently started using the potty for that and I really make a big deal out of it and tell him how awesome it is that he isn't scared anymore... but i wonder sometimes (especially after reading a little about the problems with praise) if that will make him feel worse if there are times he DOESNT go to the potty, KWIM? another example of modeling though, he does cheer and clap for me when i potty now haha.. kind of makes me embarrassed


Also ive wondered a lot about natural/logical consequences.... and how they fall in (if they do at all) with CL and TCS... (I'm **** learning all the acronyms... i remember tcs from when i joined here but up and cl werent used (or i never noticed them... but there were other acronyms that seem missing now i think... i dont know haha) i like to think im non punitive, (at least i want to be) but for example, if DS wont stay where i can see him in our yard (he likes to run to the front of the house near the street, we have no fence and i care for other children and i really have to try to keep them all in the back yard) i often just bring everyone in the house... but then I feel like I am punishing all of them for DS pushing the limits... then i realize that i am punishing him and wondering if there is a better solution (like i said I'm sure I'll have lots of posts like that soon askig for opinions of certain situations) ... another example, if DS gets mad and is hitting the table with something (a spoon, a toy, whatever) and I take it away, where does that fall on the spectrum... is it a logical consequence or a punishment? (id think a consequence would be the toy breaking or the table breaking haha which im trying to avoid)...

like I said I just want to get opinions on positive reinforcement vs. praise.. and consequences versus punishment... I'd just like to see how others make the distinction among those.....

thanks! any other comments are welcomed too haha. i used to be very well read on so many mdc topics and i feel like a newbie all over again
I really praise the potty, too. (Well I did...she's now trained/learned). I think it helped. But I balanced it out by also being positive when she go in the potty or had an accident. When she didn't go, I would just ask, "was it a false alarm?" And she'd say "yes." And I'd say "that's ok, you're still learning." I think it helped her know it was ok she didn't go and that it's a process. I think it also helped her figure out which sensations were what.

When she had an accident I just said, "That's ok. You're still learning. You'll get there. Soon you'll be using the potty every time." Our potty training took over a year, and I was getting frustrated at the hiding in another room to poop rather than use the potty, etc. Once I just let it go and let it be ok for her to go at her own pace, it just happened. All of a sudden she was trained. She knew how to do it, I just needed to release the pressure.

As for the praise thing, I have mixed feelings about it. I'm not sure if I agree that there is such thing as too much. I understand the concern about kids doing things and expecting praise, but I think I'm ok with that. And, I'm not sure I agree that kids are going to feel punished (or whatever it is) if they don't get praise for everything they do. But I also think each kid is different. I want to be my kid's biggest cheerleader, I think it's my job and I trust that I can give DD lots of praise and still set realistic expectations and understanding of her abilities and efforts. (Does that make sense?)

I wish I would have gotten more praise from my parents. Maybe I wouldn't have such self-esteem issues now. That being said, I'm open to the other side of the argument, and do hope to read Alfie Cohn's book on the subject. I'm not convinced he'll change my mind, but I still think I can get a lot out of it and I'm willing to give him the chance to try to change my mind.
 
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