[yasinsmama]

DS turned 1 today!!

:

We are Muslim. Most Muslims do not celebrate birthdays. Not for any reason other than we have only 2 holidays we are supposed to celebrate, and birthdays aren't one of them. DH and I decided not to have birthday parties for ds. Now, growing up, I did have b'day parties, but this is something we want to do with OUR child, and our family. We planned to get him a little cake to give him tonight, and we have a trip to the aquarium planned for Saturday. All day I was telling ds what we were doing 1 year ago today (not that he knew what I was talking about). Anyways....yesterday, my mom calls me and asks me what we're going to do. This was our convo:
Mom: what are y'all going to do?
Me: About what?
Mom: A party?
Me: Nothing (I had already told her 1 week ago that our final decision was to not have it)
Mom: Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Me: Ummm, it's not a big enough deal that I need to be ashamed of myself
Mom: You guys don't have to be TOO strict. He's not an orphan you know. What about when he grows up and wants to see pics from his 1st b'day party? What about when he grows up and you tell him he can't have parties?

She laid it on thick, and I think my MIL called her and egged her on, b/c MIL would never say what she feels, but my mom doesn't hold back. Needless to say, we are having a SMALL party next weekend.

Today, I went over to my moms. Her dh wanted ice cream, and he said "give some to the baby". I said "no, that's okay, he really doesn't need all of that sugar". My mom was trying to sneak and give it to him. I didn't make a big deal about the first couple of bites, but when she was trying to get more, I told her that was enough.

Her and my older sis make fun of me b/c I don't let ds cry. I told them it's not good for him to cry, and there's really no need for it, but explaining beyond that is like explaining physics to a 3 year old. They said that if I left him there at their house, they would take care of that. So that right there tells me he won't be spending the night there. My sister told me "when you're ready to wean him, just bring him here, then go home". Ummm, no. My moms response to that was "hmmmph, she'll never get him off of the boob anyways".

I am so sick of my whole family. I have always read posts like this on here thinking "whew, thank goodness my family isn't like that". Well, I was wrong wrong wrong. Now all I need to be saying is that i'm blessed that my dh is just as AP as I am, if not more. I swear if he had boobs he'd be nursing the kid!

 

[mormontreehugger]

That stinks that they can't respect your religiously-based decisions...

My own family is fairly supportive of my newly emerging granola ways, but I have a SIL that I've had to cut off contact with entirely because I can't say ANYTHING in front of her without her taking it as a personal attack on her own parenting methods. Not a huge deal, but still pretty distressing for me.

I say, God bless our DHs and their awesomely supportive ways!!

:

 

[LynnS6]

I'm sorry your family isn't more supportive.

If it helps, we did basically what you were planning for our kids' first birthdays, and we don't have any religious reasons not to have a party. We went to the science museum where they have a lovely baby play area. We had cake at home, which we let the kids taste. 1 year olds don't need a party. Our big 'gift' was to have a special day together.

Stick to your guns, and master that 'oh, that's interesting. Please pass the bean dip' response. If you keep changing the conversation, they'll probably eventually quit trying to get a rise out of you!

 

[yasinsmama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mormontreehugger That stinks that they can't respect your religiously-based decisions... My own family is fairly supportive of my newly emerging granola ways, but I have a SIL that I've had to cut off contact with entirely because I can't say ANYTHING in front of her without her taking it as a personal attack on her own parenting methods. Not a huge deal, but still pretty distressing for me. I say, God bless our DHs and their awesomely supportive ways!! :

Which is ridiculous, b/c they are Muslims too!!!!

And yes yes to the DH's!! We could go live in a tree big enough for 3 and DH would be happy.

 

[Mama2Jesse]

Omigosh. If we were muslim, I'd start asking DH if he had a brother he hasn't mentioned.
Downright creepy word for wordness, but I'm apparently scary enough they don't do it to my face.

 

[Super Glue Mommy]

im sorry! happy birthday to your son though! I think that a trip to the aquarium and cake is a nice celebration, no need for a big party, especially if you don't want one, but we aren't muslim and we don't do big parties for birthdays either. I think your way of celebrating by reminising about the day he was born and a small trip and treat is great. Besides, thats the whole point of celebrating anyway is to have rememberance over a significant day, and thats what you are doing. nothing to be ashamed about there!

 

[Agatha_Ann]

I'm sorry you are going through this! How wonderful to have a DH as supportive as yours is though!

It never ceases to amaze me how many of our families say we are "mean" or "too strict" because we won't give our babies tons of sugar, and then turn around and say we are "spoiling" or "too soft" because we don't let them cry! What do you want from us?!

Happy Birthday Baby!

:

 

[pauletoy]

We went through this with our first. My inlaws challenged every single decision we made from how we responded to crying to feeding our 5 month old pickles.

Because we weren't firm with them and didn't set clear boundaries, we went through 5 years of pure hell. I still have a lot of unresolved issues with them. After reading Toxic Inlaws, DH and I have set boundaries with his family and things are much much better. I can actually tolerate being around them.

My point is this: Start NOW. You make the decisions for your child and don't waiver. Set boundaries with your parents. Once you say no the subject is no longer open for discussion.

By you saying no to a party and then letting them pressure you into having one, you are setting up a very bad pattern. I understand it would be hard to get out of now, but learn from it and from now on NO means NO.

ETA: HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU AND YOUR LITTLE ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good luck. Families can be very difficult.

 

[yasinsmama]

Thanks pauletoy. I totally agree with everything you said. I wanted to vomit when I told her we'd have a party. DH said no more after this, what we say goes. It's just not right when you say you want to do something with YOUR child, but just b/c they don't like it, they want you to change it.
My mom actually said "he always wins" when I told her it was his idea originally, but we both agreed on it b/c I agree with his reasons, and he's right. Who's keeping score anyways?

 

[ssh]

You could call or email your mom and tell her you were bullied into agreeing to a party so you will not be having one. Then tell her that you and your DH will be treated with respect if she wants to continue seeing any of you. Tell her that you will not tolerate rudeness especially in front of your DS. That at the first sign of disrespect you and your family will leave immediately. Also decisions you and your DH make are not up for discussion. After you leave or hang up the phone on her a few times, she'll probably stop. If not, you are better off without rude controlling people in your life. You do not want your DS seeing people treat his mom or dad rudely or he will let people treat him that way. He really doesn't need to hear people making fun of his mom, that's probably worse than the occasional bullying.

 

[lilyka]

s

I am so sorry they are so poopy.

 

[Theoretica]

I'm so sorry mama, that is so disrespectful!! As for the pictures, I'm assuming you guys take lots of pictures of him growing up...why should this be any different? Good grief...how frustrating for you!

 

[fresh_veggie]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lilyka s I am so sorry they are so poopy.

: Make sure you don't get into a pattern like this - now is the time to start setting boundaries and limits with them! Stay strong!

 

[Whistler]

Quote:

Originally Posted by yasinsmama Today, I went over to my moms. Her dh wanted ice cream, and he said "give some to the baby". I said "no, that's okay, he really doesn't need all of that sugar". My mom was trying to sneak and give it to him. I didn't make a big deal about the first couple of bites, but when she was trying to get more, I told her that was enough.

Sorry about this. I totally sympathize because when my in-laws did this it made me furious! Hope you can set boundaries with your family that they can respect.

 

[Liquesce]

To be honest, it's always surprising to me when I hear muslims say they don't celebrate birthdays for religious reasons too.

We don't have birthday parties for my kids per se, but that's mostly because we're not big party people, not religious conviction. Most of the biggest childhood birthday parties I've attended were held by muslim families. And then, of course, there are the mawlid celebrations in some circles/nations.

Not saying your conviction is wrong, by any means.

: Just that it sounds like your parents might be coming at it from a similar exposure to mine maybe, and perhaps it's confusing to them that, having been raised by them, you would approach it so differently. Coupled with how much emotional investment some people seem to put into celebrating birthdays ... she was out of line, but I can kind of see where it could come from a place of bewilderment more than the intention to disrespect.

 

[accountclosed2]

DD didn't have a first birthday party, simply because we felt it was ridiculous, as it wouldn't be for her, it would be for the grown-ups around. My parents were visiting from overseas, and we spent the week before her birthday with them in a secluded family hotel by the beach. The night before her birthday we had a nice dinner in the dining room (DD had baked beans and banana, her favourites), the actual day we sent driving home, and on the ferry. The morning after we went up to MIL and DD got some presents while the grown-ups had tea.

There are tons of photos from my early childhood (I'm the eldest), but if I had a first birthday party, well, at least I can't identify any photos from that! And I never asked about it, despite often talking about these photos with my mother.

I really don't think it matters to a baby, and not to the child once he's older.

The feeding of sweets would really make me furious. If I say that my child can't have something, I really expect grown-ups around me to not over-rule me in front of my child!

 

[mamalisa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by yasinsmama Thanks pauletoy. I totally agree with everything you said. I wanted to vomit when I told her we'd have a party. DH said no more after this, what we say goes. It's just not right when you say you want to do something with YOUR child, but just b/c they don't like it, they want you to change it. My mom actually said "he always wins" when I told her it was his idea originally, but we both agreed on it b/c I agree with his reasons, and he's right. Who's keeping score anyways?

He um, "wins" because he's the father! He's not the grandma, who doesn't get a vote anyway!

Stick to your guns. Start now and aftera few years they will stop asking you to do things they know you'll say no to. Yea, it takes a few years. Sorry!

 

[yasinsmama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Liquesce To be honest, it's always surprising to me when I hear muslims say they don't celebrate birthdays for religious reasons too. We don't have birthday parties for my kids per se, but that's mostly because we're not big party people, not religious conviction. Most of the biggest childhood birthday parties I've attended were held by muslim families. And then, of course, there are the mawlid celebrations in some circles/nations. Not saying your conviction is wrong, by any means. : Just that it sounds like your parents might be coming at it from a similar exposure to mine maybe, and perhaps it's confusing to them that, having been raised by them, you would approach it so differently. Coupled with how much emotional investment some people seem to put into celebrating birthdays ... she was out of line, but I can kind of see where it could come from a place of bewilderment more than the intention to disrespect.

I know, it was a foreign idea to me at first also. We both grew up having birthday parties. But after dh explained to me his reasons, I totally understood. He wants to raise our lo to be a good Muslim, and to love Islam. When dh was growing up, b'day parties, and other holiday's got much more atention than Islamic holidays. He want's the opposite for DS. It's not really that "we're Muslim, and we don't celebrate birthday's", it's more of "we're Muslim, and our 2 Eid's are the most important celebrations to us". Does that make sense? I agree that they were probably upset at the fact that we want to not have parties, but I did start talking to my mom about it maybe 1 month prior, so I didn't just spring it on her. Her philosophy is "y'all did it when you were youg", and I hate that. People grow up, they realize they want to do things differently. Just b/c we all did it when we were little doesn't mean we HAVE to continue with it. Now she thinks DH just tells me what to do, and I follow.

 

[onlyzombiecat]

I'm sorry they are acting this way.

FWIW, we don't do birthday parties outside of our family of 3. We usually do something special and low key. Dd gets excited over her birthday even though we don't have a party. We do visit the grandparents around the time of the birthday and they can have cake or give gifts if they like or just spend time with dd.
One grandparent refuses to acknowledge dd's birthday because there isn't a normal party. Whatever.

 

[lilyka]

I also wanted to point out that I have a picture of me sitting in a high chair with a brand new doll (I know it was new because it still had clothes on

). If there was a party there was no evidence of it. It never occured to me to ask about it, ir care that much. when I di ask about my childhood it is more of a "tell me what I was like as a baby kid, what you were like as a parent imformational thing not in a judgment thing.