Mothering Forum banner
1 - 19 of 19 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
596 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Okay...I realize how dumb that title sounds...I know you can't MAKE another person do something they don't want to do...

But...three weeks ago my husband (8 years married, 13 years together) told me he wanted a divorce. I was totally blindsided...felt like someone had dropped a piano on me. He said he just didn't love me anymore...and there is no other woman. I believe him mostly although I think there is a much younger girl who has some impact on the situation.

Anyway...he hasn't moved out and has been sleeping in our bed...normal sex life...and has actually been coming home more and earlier than he was before he told me he wanted out.

The past week or two have actually been really good...getting back to talking and joking and being us again. Then two nights ago he went out for a "boys night" and yesterday he saw the young girl. Now he is shutting me out again and talking about moving out or at least to the spare room.

We have had money trouble, he has been unhappy in his job, I have been too needy, he had to give up a sport that he loves at least for now...so I think that all plays a part...even though he says it doesn't. He took a temporary job this spring that was very single lifestyle oriented...thats where he met the young girl. I am somewhat worried about depression although it doesn't totally fit that profile.

Of course all that is the VERY short version...but I'm wondering...has anyone had success in getting their husband to fall back in love? We have 2 boys and I don't want them to have to go through what I did as a child. And aside from that I still really love my husband and I want things to be good between us again. It crushes me when he shuts me out.

I try to not bring up the negative stuff and get him laughing...make being home a good thing. And I think it was working...but I guess I can't do much about the outside influences that might change his mind. And I can't do much about his stubborness. I'm just torn between really trying to make things work and saying "if I'm not good enough then get out". Does that make any sense? I worry about doing the wrong thing but I don't know if there really is a right thing...

Casey
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
201 Posts
first I just want to send big HUGS to you mamma!
I feel your pain as recently I was in a very similar situation. The one big difference is that my H never had the decency to let me know he was unhappy. to make a very long story short it went like this.
I found out he had been lying to me about some things, did a little investigating and found out he had been seeing a young girl behind my back. (he claimes to this day NOTHING happned untill he left) I confronted him and the next day he moved out and in with her for about a month.
In the meantime I saw a lawyer and was ready to get a divorce as I never thought I would ever forgive infedelity. A month later H returned asking for another chance. He has now been home for almost 3 months and things are going well. We realized some things had been missing in our relationship and these things have scince returned. However............. I am still very messed up about the affair but even more so about his abandaning our family.
If I have any advice for you at all it is to respect that he has been honest with you about his feelings so far and see if he can take it one step further and agree to counseling. A marriage takes work and sometimes you ar enot always "in love" with each other like you used to be however you can find that love again if both parties are willing to do so.
My H thought I no longer loved him as I was totally engrossed with my children and being a mother. I of course thought that was selfish and denied it but in retrospect I now realize I married a VERY needy man who needs ALOT from me. I knew this when I married him so I cannot expect that to change now that I have needy children also.
Another thing I'd like to say is DO NOT take all the blame for the downfall of your relationship. It takes TWO! I am sure if you step back and look at it you can proboly find things about your marriage that are not the way you wish or thought they would be. He is the one who claims to be unhappy. You can only take so much responsibilty for that because if your husband is not happy with himself, his job, life ect......) you cannot make him happy. He has to be happy with himself first.
Anyways, just wanted to let you know you are not alone and you are in my thoughts. Please feel free to pm if you would like to talk some more.
In the meantime, draw your strength from your children, they will help you get through this rough spot in your life.
take care mamma, lots of love.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,936 Posts
I'm sending you big hugs too. My situation was very similar - ten years of marriage, three kids, and when the baby was four months old he left. He'd been staying out, drinking, acting "single" in every way. I think he was tired of the whole day in, day out family responsibilites. In our case, I couldn't make him love me again. I hope your situation works out in the best possible way for your and your kids. I'm only a PM away if you want to talk to someone who's been there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
445 Posts
Wow, don't know that I have any great insights, but didn't want to read and not respond.

I agree with what pp said: it takes two for a marriage to succeed or fall apart, so don't put all the "blame" on yourself. I am divorced and re-married, so I know the fear the big "D" word presents (I didn't have kids at that time, though, so I have no idea how the fear for my children's future would complicate this even further). Big HUGS!

Now, I'm kind of afraid to post this, because I don't want to be flamed. But in my first marriage, I was the one who left because I didn't love him. To be honest, there was nothing he could have done to change that fact. It wasn't that he wasn't good enough or wasn't doing something I wanted, I really just didn't love him. Never did, realized I never would. I don't tell you that to be negative to your situation, just honest.

Now, your situation sounds a bit different in that you guys have been living "normally." I wasn't sleeping in the same room, was doing my own thing, etc. once I realized I just couldn't continue a lie (the last 2 or so years of our 7 year marriage.) So maybe his "I don't love you" is a different manner, I, of course, don't know. I'm not him.

But I'd suggest you need to figure out if he is really saying "I don't love you" or "I don't love the way I feel when I'm around you" or "I don't love the flow of our lives right now." If he really doesn't love you, start protecting yourself and moving on. If it's one of the other two, then I believe, yes, you can change that! How do you figure it out? Listen to your gut, your heart; watch his actions and compare them to his words. Will he try counseling so you both can sort out what is really happening in the relationship?

Okay, I'll stop blabbering. HUGS again, and I wish you and your children the best of luck no matter what the outcome of your situation.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,494 Posts
I haven't been in your situation, but I wanted to make a book recommendation. I've read Dr. Laura's "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" a few times and it's had a very positive impact on my marriage. It explains the different ways in which husbands need to be "fed" and how wives can do that.

If your husband is thinking about divorce and it's because he's not getting his needs met, maybe this book could shed some light on the situation for you.

Big hugs and best of luck to you!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
16,212 Posts
I'm so sorry, mama. Work on taking good care of yourself. No, I don't think you can change him.

I think Dr. Laura is pure evil. I wouldn't read any book of hers. She spews enough crap on the radio.

Just remember that when one door shuts, another door opens. I know that is a cliche, but keeping it in mind might help. There may be wonderful opportunities for personal growth and love in your future (including loving yourself!)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,572 Posts
I don't have anything to say, but wanted to send
s your way!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
346 Posts
Casey

I have not been in your situation but recently have been totally blindsided by male infidelity in some apparently very happy marriages. DH and I had some real heart to heart conversations following these revelations which have been very interesting and enlightening. I really wanted to know I was meeting DH's needs and vice versa. We realized that this can happen to anyone.

This is gonna sound incredibly simplistic but with men it almost always comes down to sex. They want more and/or want more variety. You mention this "young girl" a couple of times and I'm not sure if you're saying that nothing is going on there, but a married man who is "acting single" and spending time with another woman who is much younger is definitely looking for something (and probably getting what he's looking for).

Also when guys are under stress they look for relief almost always thru sex. Sex is THE major stress reliever for guys. If you have been under alot of stress recently as a couple and it has impacted your sex life negatively this can make your husband vulnerable to temptation because he is so stressed out. I'm not criticizing or defending I'm just commenting.

In my experience I have NEVER known a man to just leave a relationship that was apparently solid without having another woman in the wings. Emotionally men are very weak they can't take the risk of being alone, men do much better in partnerships. Women can cope alone and often thrive alone, men do not. Another factor is that a cheating spouse (male or female) will create a situation which suddenly causes fights apparently out of nowhere as an excuse to leave and be with the other person.

I don't know if I would be asking can I make this person love me again right now but more "can our marriage be saved?" i.e your partnership because it takes time for love and healing to happen. The fact that your husband has been living with you and enjoying it and your sex life has been good points to "Yes" you CAN save this marriage.

Check out this website http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ especially the links at the bottom right such as "How to survive infidelity" and "Love Busters". This site is great for giving you really constructive ways to BUILD your marriage and change things for the better. If you spend plenty of time exploring the site you'll also find tools that help you figure out what it is you want and need so you can thrive in your marriage and same for DH. Don't sit on the sidelines if you want to save your marriage, because it sounds like you are in crisis but all is not lost.

Much love, thoughts and courage to you Casey xx
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,188 Posts
No answers here either. But if he came to you and requested a divorce then I would think he is ready to end things. I'm sure it wasn't a spur of the moment decision on his part and he thought on it before making the decision to tell you. I'm so sorry. Why would you want to make someone love you if they say they don't anymore? Think about it long and hard. YOU are the most important person in this world and you need to keep yourself at the top of the list, not another person's needs (mainly a man).

Just realize there are other men out there and you CAN find someone else one day who actually wants you and loves you like he should.

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Dutchess
Also when guys are under stress they look for relief almost always thru sex.
I disagree. That isn't always true with all men. I have been with men who can go without sex and I want it way more than them. If her husband said there is no other woman then there probably isn't. There are some men out there that can actually live with a woman and not make sex the primary reason they are there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,870 Posts
s momma

I do not think that you can fall out of love that easily. If there is true love there then it takes a LOT to not love. Does that make sence?

So....he may still love you but is saying "I am not happy with my life" or like a pp said about her situation with her ex. Perhaps there was never love there.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My very good friend is in a very simular situation.

once again
s
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,529 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by KimProbable
I haven't been in your situation, but I wanted to make a book recommendation. I've read Dr. Laura's "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" a few times and it's had a very positive impact on my marriage. It explains the different ways in which husbands need to be "fed" and how wives can do that.

If your husband is thinking about divorce and it's because he's not getting his needs met, maybe this book could shed some light on the situation for you.

Big hugs and best of luck to you!
I actually like that book
:
i am such "the liberal crunchy as they come" mama,totally not my style to read it, but she really had some great advice in this book. take the good leave the bad, i always say. just because i don't agree with her politics doesn't mean she NEVER says anything worth something. I read lots of books and i don't always know their politics,kwim? anyway louise hay has some wonderful books out there and also reccomned a new book coming out in september by Dr. Scott Peck and shannon Peck "Love skills for personal & Global transformation: secrets of a love master. they also write a colum in phenomenews that is fabulous....

also wanted to give
btdt..I would say just be your best and true self,relationships take alot of work-they don't come easy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,529 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by candipooh
s momma

I do not think that you can fall out of love that easily. If there is true love there then it takes a LOT to not love. Does that make sence?

So....he may still love you but is saying "I am not happy with my life" or like a pp said about her situation with her ex. Perhaps there was never love there.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. My very good friend is in a very simular situation.

once again
s
very true
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,431 Posts
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I just have to say that I am also a very crunchy liberal, and I like what Dr. Laura has to say in The Proper Care and Feeding Of Husbands. I don't agree with more than half of what she says on her radio show, but I like her marriage advice. Check it out of you can.

Hope things get better for you soon.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
596 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Thank you so much for all the responses and advice and book recommendations. I appreciate all of it.

For now I have decided to not ever bring up our relationship and just focus on having good times together and enjoying each other. We've been getting along really well and I'm hoping that that may just ease us back into "marriage". It just seems to stress him out to talk RELATIONSHIP...so I think we are better of just doing it than talking about it...if that makes sense.

Casey
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
235 Posts
*hugs* I did not even realize you were having problems until I noticed your thread. Sorry friend. Your in our prayers. All 3 of ours.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,159 Posts
I also recommend Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. Also, if you're feeling (as I would be in your situation) sort of lost in understanding DH as a member of the opposite sex, I also recommend Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti... it's kinda like Men Are From MArs, but MUCH easier to understand and digest!!

I'm so sorry that he's actually told you he wants a divorce. I can NOT understand your particular situation, but a while back my DH and I were in a weird place and I asked him if he wanted to leave. He told me he didn't and pressed him to tell me why things were weird from his perspective. He told me that he didn't want to upset me, but that he wasn't IN love with me... but he knew he loved me and didn't want to leave. While from any other person's point of view, I know this is a WONDERFUL thing and totally honest and all... it TOTALLY felt like a sucker punch to the gut and it took me DAYS to catch my breath.

We have been back IN love and back in the weirdness a couple of times this then and I believe this is just one of those things that are kinda cyclic in a long-term relationship. Of course, both partners have to have a desire to remain during the weird times... maybe that's something he needs to have brought to his attention in a gentle way... and ask him to consider his sons... he did participate in creating them, so should consider them when deciding to make any changes that will adversely effect them!

I wish you much luck, great wisdom, and tremendous strength during this time. You will certainly make it through - with OR without him. Good luck mama!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
418 Posts
I found this page when I was trying to wrap my head around what the word LOVE actually means... (to give a voice/articulation to the heart/feelings mayby?) we all say it so much but i was having trouble defining it. I printed this out and dh and i are looking at it seperatly and together. just reflecting on it really.
its called "7 qualities of loving partnerships"

http://www.umsonline.org/Reading/Pas...rtnerships.htm

it was exactly what I was looking for. ( there are one or two metaphysical/spiritual references that I personally had to ignore, but other than that its really shedding some light on love and partnership)

hugs...i hope it helps
 
1 - 19 of 19 Posts
Top