[Fluga]

I never knew this type of forum existed, I'm amazed. It has been 11 months since the birth and I have been slowly trying to recover from the birth. It wasnt the most traumatic of births but there was just so much in it that I did not like or did not want.

I thought I had read a lot about birthing process, I thought I could relax and see what my body would do. I believed in my body.

I probably started the birth all wrong, I kept thinking no, no nope, has to be false labor, has to end soon. Maybe if I had given into the process right away I would have faired better. Anyway to clarify things, I started contracting regularly at 5pm on a Thursday, around 5am on the following Friday I had not slept a wink and was starting to figure that it was going to happen. I had had all these ideas about being active in labor and moving around. They were shut down by my being unable to move. Walking during a contraction made it hurt worse and getting up and walking between contraction brought on a new one.

So Friday morning had come and I was at the stage of shaking and hyperventilating. That's when I went to the hospital. I relaxed upon entering it, not quite sure why.

After a while we got to a labor room. We (me and DP) met with our midwife (just whoever happened to be working, we had never met her before. That's how births are here, by midwifes but just a random one). She did some monitoring and then let us be by ourselves. Early on she asked what I wanted for pain control and was not very encouraging when I said rather not. During the next few hours she came every now and then and talked with us and did some monitoring each time urging me to take the epidural. At 11am I finally gave in first to try the local anaestethic and then when that failed the epi.

With epi came the pitocin and the immobility (honestly I was too tired after 18 hours in labor and 27 hours awake to even try to move anymore). After I think it was close to 2pm when I started pushing. Everything went OK for a while until the room filled with people. Everybody seemed to be taking control, running all over the place. It was really chaotic. Some people were trying to hang my knees behind my ears (well in reality put into that classical doctor friendly birth position which I cant remember what is called) telling me in no nonsense way that I had to cooperate because they were trying to help my baby. Apparently her heart rate had started dropping and they got concerned (I dont know how badly it was dropping). She also had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck.

I ended up with the episiotomy I hadnt wanted and a vacum assisted birth.

It took me months of going over and over and over this scenario to come to terms with it. I wondered if it had been a case of bad luck and whether they had really saved my baby. Or had they caused it with their interventions (my waters were broken when I got the local ), or was it an overreaction of their part. What if I had stayed out of the hospital longer, would I have been able to stay home longer (being the shaking mess I was on that Friday morning I have come to terms with the fact that nope I could not go on without help of some sort). Did they ruin the perfect birth moment for my baby? Was it too violent for her? Did we miss out on not getting a skin to skin moment after her birth (they usually do that but she was taken away to be checked and then given to me maybe 10 minutes later all dressed).

I thought I was recovering but then the physical problems arose. I dont know why but after having a month long break I cant be intimate with DP without ending up in pain and bleeding if I ignore that. All desire has been overshaddowed with wondering when I'll hurt. I dont know how long the scar is but I can feel some scar tissue around my anus so I'm guessing fairly long. After so many months I wonder how many more months/years until I am completely healed both mentally and physically.

One thing I keep focusing on, my happy thought so to speak. If I get to have another birth what I will do, what will be my perfect birth. Can anyone tell me whether it has been a healing experience for them or whether it was more of a pipe dream?

My mantra these days has been "when you know better you do better". It is pretty effective in dismissing the "what ifs".

If anyone managed to read all that thank you. I havent really had a forum to speak up about this.

 

[shellnurse]

I'm also amazed by this forum, just stumbled upon it and will post my own birth story soon. Thank you for your story! So sorry it turned out that way.

Just wanted to say, I hoped for two years or so that my next birth would be healing and "fix" everything that had gone wrong the first time. Unfortunately, we have learned that it seems unlikely that I will ever conceive again. Of course, I sincerely hope you do get the birth of your dreams! But, until then, try focusing on healing this birth, now. I have worked very hard on learning how to heal and some other friends with traumatic births have found healing in a birth review with a birth professional. I wonder if you could request your records from the hospital, that might make the "what ifs" more clear. You could also request going over the birth with the provider who was there or if you are unable, with someone in the birthing world who can tell you what it all means.
Hope you find the healing you need to recover physically and emotionally!

 

[Climbergirl]

What is a birth review with a birth professional? Would a birth professional be a doula or are you talking about a midwife? I just got my records and I think this may be something I need!

Thanks...

 

[shellnurse]

I think anyone who has expertise and would know what the records actually say. Much is in medical lingo that the lay person might not understand. It would be great if we could meet with the people who were actually present at the birth to clarify. I can definitely see though, how that might be too traumatic. Hope a birth review brings you more healing climber girl!

 

[meganmarie]

I am so sorry, it does sound like a really rough birth, and with a midwife who was not supporting what you needed. Birth is *hard* and getting through it requires someone to help and support you - emotionally and physically. You need someone (in *addition* to your DP) rubbing your back, helping you change positions, getting you into a shower or tub, applying hot compresses, leading you through relaxation and visualization. At least, that's what I needed. Instead, you got someone coming in every little while to offer you drugs, and nothing else. WTF?!

In terms of your immediate physical issues, have you been checked to make sure everything is ok? Assuming you have, please go easy on yourself in terms of sex and ask your DP to be patient with you too. You are not alone if it takes a long time to feel right again. I didn't have anything as rough as you - no episiotomy or vacuum - just a 2nd degree tear - and it STILL took more than six months for sex to be possible for me to really do or enjoy. I was dry, felt wrong, it was painful, and I couldn't stop thinking about giving birth and stiching and tearing which is not exactly mood-enhancing. I know lots of people say they recover + heal fast, can't wait to jump back in bed, and that's great for them, but that doesn't mean it always works that way. On a positive note, things *did* eventually go back to normal, both physically and emotionally, and our sex life is everything it was (with the exception of parenting getting in the way sometimes!). So have hope...

 

[Neera]

same here. i didn't know this forum existed either. it's been more than 2 yrs for me and i feel like i have something in common with everyone here. i've read a few threads and although my story is not exactly as anyone else's it has bits and pieces of many stories.