Imagine that something traumatic has happened to you ... a loved one died, you lost your job, your dog was hit by a car, etc. This is not a hurt that can be fixed by eating, sleeping, burping or farting. After I miscarried two years ago, I spent a LOT of time crying ... crying over the loss of the future I had imagined for me and my child.
Now imagine that every time you started to cry over this trauma, your dh did everything in his power to stop you from crying. Not in a malicious way, but just not being in tune to your needs at that moment. He would tell jokes, suggest watching a movie, do Kramer-esque pratfalls, etc. How would that make you feel? After I miscarried, my dh spent a lot of time telling me everything would be okay, that next time it wouldn't happen, etc., and I finally yelled at him that he was NOT HELPING! Telling me it was okay was just invalidating the way I felt. He might as well have been saying, "Look, there's nothing to cry about here." That's not what he meant, but the fact that I was crying made HIM uncomfortable. He didn't want to see me unhappy and wanted to make it all better. But he couldn't, and seeing me cry made him feel helpless. But no one could make that hurt all better, and that didn't mean he was a failure. I just needed time to grieve and rage and be unhappy. I needed him to be there to listen to me, put his arms around me, stroke my hair and tell me he was hurting, too. I needed that kind of comfort from him, but the comfort that was geared towards stopping the tears ended up being no comfort at all. Thankfully, I was able to communicate that, and he was able to hear it, and he changed how he comforted me, and by doing that, he WAS able to help me.
Imagine for a moment, however, that your dh was successful in stopping the crying with his antics. Would your grief over losing your mother disappear? Would your anger over losing your job disappear? Would your grief over losing your baby disappear? No. Those emotions don't go away. They just get buried, along with the message that you were "wrong" to have them in the first place. They burrow into your body and set the stage for disease (emotional and physical) later in life because you weren't able to release them in a healthy way.
I've given an "adult" example, but babies are just as capable of having complex emotional lives. They may not "remember" things the way we do, but they are certainly emotional beings, and can be traumatized just like adults (or else letting them cry themselves to sleep in their crib would be no big deal, right?).
The birth of my dd was traumatic for both of us. It was over 72 hours from the first contraction to the last. She was posterior and acynclitic. As if squeezing through the birth canal wasn't hard enough, she was being relentlessly driven downwards by contractions while her head was cocked sideways. After spending 9 months in a warm, comfortable, soothing environment that seamlessly met all of her needs, I imagine this was a terrifying and painful experience. So much so, that there was meconium staining of the amniotic fluid, the severity of which was not detected until right before she was born (an all natural birth, by the way).
Due to the late understanding of the situation, it took 15-20 minutes for a neo-natal doc to arrive. In the meantime, the OB undertook the deep suctioning (putting tubes down her nose and throat to remove the meconium so it wouldn't be aspirated), which was then repeated when the neonatal doc arrived. After 4 days of no sleep, I was dazed and confused, and did not realize exactly what happened until much later. Imagine being my dd ... after a long, difficult, painful birth, you are thrust into a strange new world, and instead of being held lovingly in your mother's arms, you're laid out on a table and restrained so tubes can be shoved in your nose and mouth over and over -- first by someone who does not do this for a living, so he was probably understandably clumsy. And then yet again by someone else (this happened at an in-hospital Alternative Birthing Center that is dedicated to natural birth and breastfeeding, and even midwifes at a homebirth do this type of suctioning for meconium aspiration). An hour later, you are finally handed to your mother, but it's too late, the damage has been done.
When mama's milk comes in 3 days later, you are suddenly overwhelmed by the sensation of something rushing into your mouth, and it triggers a memory, reaction, fear. Something bad happened and it also involved something in your mouth. You pull off the breast and scream. But you're hungry, so you try again. Pull off and scream. Hungry, try again. Do this every few hours, and far, far into the night.
This was our life for the first few months after dd's birth. It took me a long time to fully comprehend what was going on, although my instinct told me from the beginning that she was traumatized by the suctioning. I have not read Solter's book, but some kind soul on these boards directed me to her article in Mothering (a magazine that hardly endorses CIO) on
Crying for Comfort (the same link that eclipse gave). That article changed my life.
I think the big debate over crying in arms occurs because people mistakenly believe that comfort is being withheld from the baby. When CIA is done correctly, this is not true. Comfort and soothing are offered, but NOT with the intent of stopping the crying. It is a subtle difference, but a difference nonetheless. There was a big discussion about the idea of CIA a while back with many in-depth and interesting comments (maybe 6-8 months ago?). Unfortunately, it was moved from LWAB to another forum because some of the participants were angered with the idea of letting young babies cry. With the search function disabled and not remembering the forum it was moved to, I don't have much hope of finding it at the moment. If you want to look when search is up and running again, I believe it was called something like the overlooked healing benefits of crying.
I did crying in arms with dd several times, but like kidspiration, we were lucky enough to find an incredible CS therapist who really helped my dd process her birth trauma. I've blogged about this experience in detail, which you can read
here. Also, feel free to PM me if you want more details. I cannot recommend
CST enough, however. A good therapist can detect when an emotional release is occurring. For me, the hardest part about doing crying in arms was worrying that I was doing the wrong thing ... maybe she was gassy, and I just couldn't tell, yk? By doing it through CST, the therapist can tell what's going on, and there's no questioning about whether the crying is an emotional release or a signal of physical distress.
If you're interested, you can find a practitioner in your area through
this site. I think it's imperative that the therapist have training in somatoemotional release (an advanced form of CST). When you search for a practitioner, you can see what classes they've taken, so you can tell if they've had this. Find someone who looks well trained, then call and ask if they work with babies. FYI, we see a massage therapist who charges $30/session. It has truly been amazing, and I am so incredibly grateful.
To the OP, the fact that you mentioned a difficult, traumatic birth caught my eye immediately. The fact that this book is resonating with you means it's applicable to your situation. The tough part is that it appears your dd is willing to nurse for comfort. In my case, my dd would not nurse when she was upset, so I never had to worry if I was using it to stifle her emotional release (FWIW, I always made it available, but she wouldn't nurse until she was done crying ... typically after 10 to 20 minutes). So things are a bit trickier for you, and in the end, you will simply have to listen to your instincts about the right thing to do. FWIW, I tend to lean towards offering whatever type of comfort your dd is willing to accept, all the while holding on to the intention of being there for her, but NOT trying to shut her up. I can think of no greater gift one can give their child, than a safe space to come with ALL of their emotions -- be it joy or rage, happiness or grief. You're doing a great job
!