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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I feel like I am not done having kids. I can't even believe i'm typing that because i have always said 2 is great. i have a boy and a girl and its awesome. i feel really lucky to have 2 great kids. DH is wanting a vasectomy and i'm just so ambivalent about it. I feel like...how can i go the rest of my childbearing years knowing i CANT get pregnant.<br>
i know not having another is the right thing for my career that i eventually want to have, for our finances, probably for our 2 kids, and our marriage. i know 2 is enough and we are having/will have a very satisfying life as a family.<br>
still...i cant shake the feeling when i see a pregnant woman that i'm sad that i'll never do that again. its such a magical experience.<br>
i know you could have 100 babies and probably want to hold a newborn again. still...as i put away my son's 0-3 mo clothes i think "i'll never have another 0-3 month old again" and it makes me sad.<br><br>
i did sort of admit this to DH and he was like "yeah. i understand." but there is no way he's going to want more. and he is right. still...its just like my biology or something. like a fantasy that in 2 years we'd have an "accident" you know?<br><br>
we don't have any bc yet...we're still trying to figure out about the vasectomy or if i'll get another IUD or what. i'm so paranoid about getting pregnant again that we've only dtd once since ds was born. and i felt stupid afterward (i don't have a period yet, but you never know. and withdrawl isn't exactly bc!)<br><br>
anyway, i'm just venting. i'm sure someone here can relate. i cant even believe i feel this way.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
couldnt read and not respond
 

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I'm in the same place. We will not have an accident tho I do fantasize about it a bit. I am old in "fertility years" so am not willing to jump through hoops and/or have all the worries that would come with another pregnancy. Plus DH and I have agreed that 2 kids is enough for us, just right actually.<br><br>
But I do get those pangs with DD, same as you. That it'll be the last time for these things. Even DH surprised me recently and said how he felt kind of sad that DD is our last. He'll miss the excitement of finding out what a new child will be like - the way their personalities "unfold" as they grow.<br><br>
I feel like I probably won't hold a newborn again until I have a grandchild. That is a long way off!<br><br>
And one of my girlfriends and I had this same talk just last week...<br><br>
Anyway, you are definitely not alone in this.
 

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Nope, not alone. We said we were done having kids "for now". It was supposed to be a temporary thing, we were going to take a (long) break of five years and then have one, maybe two more. Then a year passed and I realized dh was still refering to it as five years. I told him a year had passed and that now it was four years. He didn't want to lose that year and it made me realize, he doesn't want anymore. For our marriage, my career, and probably our finances it would be best to not have anymore. But I can't imagine my baby being my last. I have a three year old and a two year old now and though I'm perfectly happy with them I can't see this as the end of my family.
 

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Hugs, mama. I sometimes think about if I was "done" and I'd never be able to handle it, LOL. Luckily DH and I are both on the same page "give us as many as we can handle God!!!"
 

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Yup, can totally relate here too. And we have four lol (We were "supposed" to stop at two as well, the last two were not really planned lol)<br><br>
I was sure I'd be done with four, totally sure. And now, not so much. Though (not to hijack) I think my issue stems from Lily having Downs that we didn't know about during the pg. I love her completely, but I still almost have a desire to have the baby I envisioned. THat sounds terrible, I know, but it's how I feel I guess. You know how they say it's like planning a trip to Italy and ending up in Holland..it's true and Holland is wonderful, but I still have my sights set on one more shot at Italy <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> (plus I hear so much about how younger sibs are great for Downs kids, helps to push them along and provides a great sib who will be similar development wise for a longer period).<br><br>
I haven't had a serious talk with dh lately, but I'm sure he's done. He's a wonderful father and loves them all to pieces, but he's just feeling "at capacity" and I get that. I just can't shake the desire...ugh.<br><br>
Hope you guys can come to an agreement that works for both of you. I'd say definitely don't go through with the vas if you're having any doubts whatsoever...
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> to you xx<br><br>
I know exactly how you feel, I feel the same. My Dh thinks he is helping by not saying 'no' but also not saying 'yes' I know he doesn't want any more. And when I look at my 2 yr old, I think how I will never have this ever again. So I know the pain you must be feeling xxx I truly don't know how to deal with it, so can't offer any advice- sorry<br><br>
I really would ask him not to have the vasectomy- it is very final. Not that you would trick your dh into getting pregnant. But vasectomy is so final and if your dh doesn't have one, then psychologically you can at least live in hope...if it is God's will???
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
thank you all for your support. just nice to know i'm not alone.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>maybebaby</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7341620"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Yup, can totally relate here too. And we have four lol (We were "supposed" to stop at two as well, the last two were not really planned lol)<br><br>
I haven't had a serious talk with dh lately, but I'm sure he's done. He's a wonderful father and loves them all to pieces, but he's just feeling "at capacity" and I get that. I just can't shake the desire...ugh.<br><br>
Hope you guys can come to an agreement that works for both of you. I'd say definitely don't go through with the vas if you're having any doubts whatsoever...</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Mand</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7342024"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> to you xx<br><br>
i know...scary how final vasectomy is. i think he is just putting it off because he is afraid of the actual procedure (not the consequences of no more kids ever). when i think about the REAL consequences of more kids, i don't want any either! i mean, another pregnancy, birth, no sleep for an additional 2 years (on top of the 2 i'm looking at now!) is not appealing. but still...just the idea of it being DONE. i'm 28 years old. he is only 31. it just seems so young to KNOW anything. if we were older, maybe.<br><br><br>
quote:<br>
I know exactly how you feel, I feel the same. My Dh thinks he is helping by not saying 'no' but also not saying 'yes' I know he doesn't want any more. And when I look at my 2 yr old, I think how I will never have this ever again. So I know the pain you must be feeling xxx I truly don't know how to deal with it, so can't offer any advice- sorry<br><br>
I really would ask him not to have the vasectomy- it is very final. Not that you would trick your dh into getting pregnant. But vasectomy is so final and if your dh doesn't have one, then psychologically you can at least live in hope...if it is God's will???</div>
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i think he is going to be very resistant to the vasectomy not being done. i think he feels that not getting it is like admitting we may have more kids and he is so against that. so am i, but i mean, i can get an IUD and that's like a vasectomy for 5-10 years! if we still don't want more kids and five years go by, i'm sure i'll be ok with the vasectomy at that point. but you are so right about living in hope. its like just putting it on the back burner--maybe someday is a lot better than NO, NEVER. you know? and just being able to feel like "i wonder if i'm pregnant? my period is late" its kind of a cool thing to think (how effed up is that?! but you all know what i mean...don't you?<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> ) living in hope, like you say. its not final.
 

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My advice if at all possible is to have a serious talk where he can to HEAR you that you are not mentally ready for him to have a vasectomy. My husband had one when our 2nd was only 5mos old and I told him I did not support him and that I did not feel I was ready to say we were done. We were both 29. Now it is 6 years later and I still KNOW I am not done. I feel this 3rd energy around me. I dream about him, my kids keep asking (they tend to be very intuitive). My husband and I have discussed this and his biggest problem is financial. This makes me angry, because I know it would be hard, however, I also know the universe will provide what it needs. However, I feel that we are at such a disadvantage because he has had the V and the cost to have it reversed is 4000. That would go a long way with a new baby!!! I am just trying to say I love my husband and we have been friends for 20 years, however, I am having a really hard time getting past the feeling of betrayl and anger. 6 months ago I thought we were headed for divorce court, however, we have talked and are working on it, but I still can't help but be angry and disappointed a lot of the time.<br><br>
Please talk with him so he hears and understand how important it is to you not to have this procedure done. At least an IUD is long term TEMPORARY
 

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I hear you. I'm sure I'm happy for good with my 2 kiddos, and so is DH. However, I am surely not ready to end my fertility, or his. I'm not sure if I would ever want another child, and I was actually posting this in another thread, but I WOULD enjoy the entire birthing process. I love birth, I love being pregnant, I love the good parts of having another child....and I dont' mean that the way it came out, but the no sleep, the sore nipples, etc....<br><br>
I think it's just the fact that I love the birthing experience. I dont' know if I'd ever be able to tell the difference in myself between truly wanting another baby, and just longing to feel the way you do bearing children.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>425lisamarie</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7347044"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I think it's just the fact that I love the birthing experience. I dont' know if I'd ever be able to tell the difference in myself between truly wanting another baby, and just longing to feel the way you do bearing children.</div>
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Yup this is certainly part of it for me... My VBAC was so empowering and so easy that I'd like to have another to try a homebirth. And I really love the baby/toddler years. I'm sure once they're teenagers, I'll be really glad we only have 2 to deal with <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> .
 

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I feel this way. Does it ever go away?<br><br>
If I am honest and sit down and think of the "pros" and "cons" to having another baby.....the "cons" far outweigh the "pros." On my list of cons is lack of money, needing another vehicle (ties in with money), DH's health issues, VBAC issues, breastfeeding issues, and well sanity to have another child. What can we put on the list of "pros".....help me out here. Cause I think if I always tried to look at things logically there are not many conviencing reasons to have more children.
 

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Don't do anything permanent if you are feeling unsure...<br>
Sometimes it is better to approach it not from a "we are going to have X # of kids" perspective, but from a "we will revisit the family size issue later on". So many people plan out their family size before they even have kids... and then they find that their inner selves, their biology, are leading them on a different path than their external magic number they set for themselves before being immersed in it.<br><br>
When people ask me how many kids we will have, I sometimes just answer with a "I don't know, depends on how we feel after a while". We have two right now and I am not going to say we are "done", because who knows how we may feel in a year or more.
 

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We never thought we'd have a second child (first pregnancy horrible, always thought I'd only have one, ...), then we changed our mind. Now with a boy and a girl, we initially thought that was going to be it. But we started not feeling quite "done", like our family isn't complete yet. Sometimes it takes time.<br><br>
A vasectomy, although reversible, feels very finite. I wouldn't want my dh to have one until he's much older and totally out of his children having years.<br><br>
Get an IUD and tell your dh you're not ready for him to get the procedure done yet. Wait a few years.
 

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I'm right there with you. I've got two and really, really think another one would not be a good idea for us. I know dh doesn't want any more.<br><br>
The other day dh was showing me some pictures of a little baby that he'd taken (he's a photographer). This baby just makes me ache to have another one, she's such a doll! I said, "Oh! You'd better make that appointment (for the vasectomy) before I convince you to have another baby!" He replies, "I have my consultation on Monday." <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">: I've been expecting this, knowing it was coming, even wanting it. But hearing those words brought tears to my eyes. It's true, we're done. I'll never be pregnant again, never bf a newborn, never use those tiny clothes again. *sigh* It's sad to consider the "never agains" but in my mind, I know I'm done.<br><br>
What I'm trying to do now is treasure my memories of being pregnant and mothering a tiny, new baby and look forward to watching my family grow and have new, fun experiences. I don't want to get so focused on what I'll never do again that I miss out on the wonder that's right in front of me.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I’m feeling it too. My dh is adamant that we are not having any more. He wants ds to be our only child. I was ok with that for many years. Now, I’m starting to feel the need for another child. There is so much that would have to be different for us though. I would want to SAH this time and I don’t see that being a possibility.
 

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I would definitely discuss the IUD with your DH. It's not that expensive, and can last for 5-10 years depending on which one you get. Maybe even just approach it with your DH that a vasectomy is something you need to get used to... something you need to wrap your mind around. Not that you intensely want another child (that would probably freak him out) just say you want to have time to process. In that processing time you can get an IUD. That tables the V for a while.<br><br>
Also, just to let you know, I see your baby is 2 months old. I had intense baby fever when my 2nd was about that age. It wasn't that I wanted to be pg again right away, it was just the though that this baby COULD NOT be my last baby. Every day I thought about it. And DH and I have even agreed we'd like another one, but not for a while. It was just so weird. I just couldn't get it out of my mind -- the thought of another one. I actually thought I was insane and talked to my doula about it... she said that I must just not be done having kids. A few other of my friends who were in that postpartum stage were having the "I'M DONE!" feelings. I wasn't at all.<br><br>
And now DD is 8 months old and the baby lust has lessened somewhat. Those postpartum hormones are crazy, yk?? I think I was just so loaded with nursing hormones and post-baby hormones. So give yourself the benefit of the doubt with that. As time goes on things will become clearer...<br><br>
And your DH is probably reeling from new baby craziness, too, so maybe with a little more time you'll both be glad about an IUD! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I feel exactly the same way you do. Just exactly. I have no profound advice. I hope you are able to get the IUD in place of the V. I wish I had the IUD option but I don't. I live in fear of DH bringing up the idea of getting snipped. He hasn't yet - probably for fear of what I would say.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Thank you all, wise mamas, for your wisdom and support. What you said, Augustine, is very true i think. it does make you feel wacky when your baby is so young. yes, with my ds only 2 months old, its not like i'm thinking about getting pregnant in the next year or anything like that. probably i would wait 3 years or more, even, if we ever did.<br>
so i brought it up with DH and i just said "you know, i think the IUD is our best option right now. i am really not comfortable with the vasectomy and i don't think we should do one until we are BOTH 100%. i'm not saying we will ever have more kids." and he was agreeable to that. he actually admitted to me that he had had pangs of "last baby sadness" that surprised him. i was very shocked to hear him say that, because he has always been adamant that we would have 2. but i think as someone here said, you can't plan these things...you can't say "i know we will have X number" because life just doesn't work like that. in fact, i always said i would NEVER have kids! my family still makes fun of me for that.<br>
so who knows? maybe someday we will have another. maybe not. for now i'm getting an IUD in and then not thinking about this any more! even though for some reason i'm obsessed with it at the moment, weirdly.
 
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