[pixiewytch]

DS is five and DD is almost seven months. She is extremely attached, cries most times when she is not being held, BF's constantly, and has mostly caused us to practice a semi reluctant AP style. This is new for me since DS was way more easygoing as a baby. DD has never taken a bottle. We have tried everything. She will take water in a cup and has just started some solids. I have not left her at all since she was born.

I am telling you all of this because I NEED A BREAK! Now a lot of these factors I can't or am not willing to change. I'm not going to leave her with DH screaming and refusing to take EBF from him. It's not THAT important for me to have some time alone but I really need A. to relax alone and B. to let loose a little. I long for happy hour with some girlfriends, a night out to see a band play, a weekend getaway, a spa appointment (in my wildest dreams!).

Now I know that I could leave her for an hour or two without feeding her. The thing is that the evenings are the only time DH would be available to watch her and then I am dealing with bedtime issues since she can only be nursed to sleep for the most part. Weekends are family time and DH gets upset if I suggest doing something "alone" then.

I guess the bottom line is that he doesn't seem to understand the gravity of the situation. I mean, I can't even sleep in....ever. One weekend I asked him to please get up with the baby and let me sleep in because I had just fed her an hour before that and she wouldn't need me. What does he do? When she wakes up he brings her in the bed with me and lies back down. He hardly has to do anything!! It isn't that he doesn't want to. He is absolutely the changing diapers, giving baths, feeding baby time but with DD, she is just so clingy to me that he has become used to not having to do anything.

I'm tired of getting up multiple times every night. He has never had to get up with her. We've tried. She will cry and cry until she gets me. He gets to go out to happy hour after work with the guys. I haven't had one drink outside of my family since she was born. I never get to sleep in, not even on weekends because DH stays up late drinking a six pack and being on the computer so that he sleeps like a rock or DS bugs me and bugs me until I will get out of bed. My old friends have given up on asking me to go anywhere.

How do I get DH to understand that I need some time alone? Not alone with him, alone. Okay, so maybe he hasn't had real sex in six months but if I don't get time alone, he will never get it at all. I want to be a good happy mother. I believe staying at home is important to my kids and my personal values but my sanity is slipping away without a break. Whenever I tell him this he just shrugs it off. He rocks her for five minutes and then hands her to me when she starts crying, and goes off to bed leaving me to deal with it.

I do everything. I know this was my choice. I just keep longing for that quiet weekend without kids or that night out with my girlfriends feeling like a woman and not just a mother. When DS was born we could leave him with grandparents by now so there was a lot of downtime. I have had zero downtime. I know it will end eventually but how much more can I take?

Gotta go, DD is awake again after her usual ten minute nap during the day and sleeping less than eight hours a night. I can't take this anymore!!

:

 

[boodafli]

you know, typically, i'm all about, be with your kids. but the situation as you've described it, really sounds like you need a break. so, what i would do, is pretty much show your dh this post. let him read it, and then hand him the baby. make sure she's fed, and then leave the house. even if you just go park somewhere and take a nap. lol.

the thing is, that not only do you need a break, but your dh needs to be able to comfort your dd. if, god forbid, you needed like, surgery, or something, where you'd be in the hospital overnight, or whatever, he needs to have a system in place that works for him, that doesn't involve leaving dd in the crib to scream till you get home, kwim?

i learned this the hard way, since i had to have surgery when my dd was five and a half months old (so no solids, AND no bottle). anyway, it worked out in the end, because my dp figured out that if he put peanut in the MT and sang bob marley, she'd calm down for him, even enough to take a bottle. but that took him almost 4 hours to figure out.

you can't be a good mom to either of your kids, if you're overwhelmed and exhausted. so like any parenting choice, you've gotta weigh the pros and the cons. so, the pros are, dp gets to learn how to parent his dd in his own way. you get some rest. dd learns that daddy is a viable comforter as well. the cons are, dd cries in arms for a while.

and i know this is probably an unpopular view, but to me, crying in the arms of a parent is NOT 'leaving her to cry'. i mean, my kid was pretty fussy at times, and she'd cry in my arms, and nothing would stop it. kwim?

hth.

 

[Thalia the Muse]

boodafli, I think that's great advice!

 

[CaraNicole]

tell dh that if you don't get a break soon you will shave your head so you don't tear your hair out!... this may have worked for someone i know!

: if your out of the house dd may take the bottle of ebm (my friend discovered this) i hope you get a break soon b/c you deserve it!

 

[mommy2abigail]

I agree you need a break. You are describing dd and I to a T. As a first time-not so sure of myself-trying to do everything AP-perfectionist type of mother, I didn't allow myself to take a break. And it really took a toll on me, and my relationship with dh. Not to mention I would have been a much better mommy with some more break time. I would nurse your dd, hand her to dh and leave. Leave a bottle of ebm ready. Who knows, if you are not there, she may just take a bottle? Or hae dh put it in a sippy if she likes it better. Or what if you both went somewhere, like the mall or a book store, and he took dd for a walk while you drink a cup of coffee? Then if she gets really upset, you are there. Or if you go somewhere, try to stay within 5-10 minutes from home. Seriously, I'm sure babe will be fine with dh. I never (I mean never) left dd, until very recently when she turned 2. Now she has a daddy date once aweek for 2-3 hours. And you know what? She doesn't even ask for me! They have a blast, and she'll even fall asleep in the car for him....something she's NEVER done for anyone else but me. I've been the one to put her to sleep every single time since birth. So for the next babe, we've already decided that these daddy times will happen much sooner. Maybe at about 6 months or so.

 

[alegna]

Print out your post and give it to him. There has to be away to get you a little alone time. Even if it's just in a different part of the house.

-Angela

 

[pixiewytch]

Quote:

Originally Posted by boodafli you know, typically, i'm all about, be with your kids. but the situation as you've described it, really sounds like you need a break. so, what i would do, is pretty much show your dh this post. let him read it, and then hand him the baby. make sure she's fed, and then leave the house. even if you just go park somewhere and take a nap. lol. the thing is, that not only do you need a break, but your dh needs to be able to comfort your dd. if, god forbid, you needed like, surgery, or something, where you'd be in the hospital overnight, or whatever, he needs to have a system in place that works for him, that doesn't involve leaving dd in the crib to scream till you get home, kwim? i learned this the hard way, since i had to have surgery when my dd was five and a half months old (so no solids, AND no bottle). anyway, it worked out in the end, because my dp figured out that if he put peanut in the MT and sang bob marley, she'd calm down for him, even enough to take a bottle. but that took him almost 4 hours to figure out. you can't be a good mom to either of your kids, if you're overwhelmed and exhausted. so like any parenting choice, you've gotta weigh the pros and the cons. so, the pros are, dp gets to learn how to parent his dd in his own way. you get some rest. dd learns that daddy is a viable comforter as well. the cons are, dd cries in arms for a while. and i know this is probably an unpopular view, but to me, crying in the arms of a parent is NOT 'leaving her to cry'. i mean, my kid was pretty fussy at times, and she'd cry in my arms, and nothing would stop it. kwim? hth.

Well, if I let him read this thread, he would just complain that I made him look like a complete asshole and turn it into him, him, him instead of looking at the bottom line.

I guess part of this came about because we are supposed to go the beach this weekend and although my god, I desperately need to get out of the house, it almost sounds like more trouble than its worth. I will spend most of the time watching DS in the water like a hawk because he can't swim yet and of course making sure DD doesn't put sand in her mouth, and nursing constantly, and trying to get her to sleep in the room while everybody else is outside with the family having barbecue and drinking beers. I should be grateful. I mean, geez, we're going to the freaking beach but it just sounds like more work than anything else. I will be looking at the people without kids wishing I could just relax by the pool, hang out at the tiki bar, have a romantic walk on the beach. Something that doesn't bear the mommy label for a change.

Maybe I should have never had kids.

 

[Ruthla]

I don't see why YOU have to be the one watching DS in the water- can't DP be in charge of the 5yo since you have to be with the 7mo?

It sounds like you're starting to slip into depression- you must make your mental health a priority or the consequences could be disasterous. Nobody on this thread is "bashing" your DP for "not helping enough." It sounds like he doesn't understand the gravity of the situation and how much help you need, or even how to help.

Maybe you could hire a somebody to watch the little ones for an hour or two on weekday afternoons to give you a bit of a break? Even a 10yo (who doesn't need to be paid as much as a teenager or adult) can keep the little ones occupied while you get some space, as long as you remain in the house/at the same park with them to be the "legal adult in charge." I wouldn't trust a preteen with more than one young child in the water though.

Relax. Your LO will be eating more solids soon and she'll naturally be able to separate from you a little bit better.

 

[Thalia the Muse]

Quote:

Maybe I should have never had kids.

Awww, no -- it's just hard sometimes for the first few years, especially when you haven't worked out a way to get some downtime and you aren't sleeping enough. We traveled to the beach with DD when she was one, and I felt the same way -- it was so hard to get her to sleep in an unfamiliar place and I had to be with her so I couldn't relax and it really wasn't the funnest trip. But that passes as they get even a little bit older than your two.

I really think you need to sit down before the trip and talk to your DH about exactly how you are going to avoid that scenario -- how are you going to make sure that you get some pool and tiki bar time, and that he isn't off having fun while you drudge away? If nothing else, even if you get stuck with baby bedtime, he can be the one watching DS like a hawk in the water. How can you both make sure that this is a vacation for YOU?

 

[momto l&a]

Do you know of anybody that could be a mothers helper to you?

 

[gurumama]

Your husband needs to be in charge of the 5 yo at all family events--PERIOD.

Your husband needs to learn to watch the baby for 30 minutes. Leave the house for 30 minutes and agree that he will spend that entire time holding her, caring for her, etc., even if she screams. Anyone can deal for 30 minutes.

Then after a few days, make it 35. Then 40. Then 45. Etc. Every few days he MUST spend alone time with her and your 5 yo, while you drive to a store alone, or go for a 30 minute walk alone (NOT with the 5 yo--ALONE).

He won't bond otherwise, and you're already in a 7 month pattern that your DH seems quite confortable with, and that you've both created.

Break it. Now. Step One: you are NOT in charge of your 5 yo, not one bit, at the beach. You have enough with your baby.

 

[lost&foundmom]

That is so hard.

My second daughter was like that. SO clingy. She wouldn't go to dh until she was nine months. Same thing, super clingy wanted to nurse constantly and would cry if anyone else tried to hold her. DH and I totally got into the same pattern you are in, we had another daughter who is a year older and so he'd take her while I dealt with dd. You do need a break. Looking back I wish I had been more assertive in my needs. Like I said when she hit nine months or so, she finally would go to dh, but I wish I hadn't waited that long. Of course I survived, but it was hellish. Like others have posted, if you leave her, he'll figure out a way to deal. Daddy's are good at it, my dh comes up with stuff that would never work for me or that I would never have thought of. Just plan it, tell him you need a break, not a long break, start slow and the two of them will build up the relationship together!!

Also, the beach thing. When you have little ones "vacations" are never easy, it IS so much work. It won't make it easier, but try and remember that this time WILL pass and every year will be better.

 

[eightyferrettoes]

Do not freakin' ask him to understand. Asking a man's "permission" to have a life is bad mamba-jamba, trust me.

Just go. Argue about it later if you must-- he's got happy hour, and so do you.

And yes, being held by Daddy even while crying is just the way it is sometimes-- he's a real parent, too. tough titties for him that he doesn't have any.

I used to be much softer about this than I am now.

Having a second kid is a good way to give yourself a kick in the pants that this parenting thing is a slow walk/run/crawl marathon, not an intensive AP sprint to some magical finish line where your husband and children will "let" their mother have some free time.

They will never "allow" or "understand."

 

[mamalisa]

Quote:

Originally Posted by pixiewytch Maybe I should have never had kids.

Oh hell, if every mother that was tired of being a mother 24/7 every day of her life, never sleeping more than a few hours at a time and never having a chance to be alone said that, there would be no babies in this world

The problem isn't you or you children, it's the situation. I wish I could remember who it was, but a mama her described her life as a stay at home to her dh using his job as an analogy. She explained it something like "what if your job at Home Depot was where you had to be all the time. You have a cot in the back and you can go rest when it's quiet, but if a customer needs something at 3am, you have to hop up and get it. You never get to leave because that's your job." Can you try explaining to your dh how you're feeling using some of that?

I have a 6 year old and a 22 month old. It was sooo hard to adjust to having a more needy baby and a bigger kid that always seemed to need something once I had a minute without the baby. Still I have days where I feel like I can't catch a break. ONe day when I was flipping out my dh looked at me and told me it would be better soon, as dd becomes more independent every day. I said no, it won't be better, just different. But really, it is so much better than it was a few months ago looking back.

 

[Amys1st]

I agree that the beach is not going to be a "vacation". We usually on trips trade days. Today, you can do the tiki bar thing and I watch the 5 yr old while holding the baby. Tomorrow is your tiki bar day and I watch the kids.

I hate to be the bad one here, but have you let DH try to sooth her etc since she was born or do you say- Oh just give her to me! I am not trying to be mean, I am just fishing for ideas here. Do you encourage him?? Does he realize that the sex thing is going to continue like it is if this keeps going??

Sometimes I think men need to know, a real turn on is cleaning up the kichen, putting stuff in the dishwasher, wiping the counter and taking out the trash and replacing the bag. Or carrying the 3 loads of clean laundry upstairs is hot hot hot!! Even better, taking the kids and putting them to bed for mama.

 

[lost&foundmom]

I totally agree, men are just different creatures. Ones that CANNOT read our minds no matter how much we will them to. I think being open and upfront with him will really go a long way to make both of you happier.

 

[Mama Poot]

You need to just GO. Say "I need alone time, I am leaving and will return in a few hours." It's his kid too, sorry to sound cliche but its the truth. Over the weekend when DH was home I went to take a shower and locked the bathroom door because I didn't feel like being spied on by a 22 month old ( or DH for that matter

) or having random things tossed in the tub by said 22 month old "Hmm why does my shower gel smell like Cheerios?" Not exactly relaxing. So I locked the door. I heard my son jiggle the handle and pound on the door, then DH knocked on the door too. I honestly did not want to be bothered. When I was done he said "why didnt you open the door?" "I didn't want to be bothered." " I had to pee really bad, I had to go outside." I had to restrain myself from laughing...if a 31 almost 32 year old man cant hold his piss for 15 minutes then he needs to see a doctor or stop being so prissy. My time is my time. Unless someone or something is bleeding or broken, don't bother me. You will do well to adopt this thinking sometimes.

 

[Mama Poot]

Quote:

Originally Posted by gurumama Your husband needs to be in charge of the 5 yo at all family events--PERIOD.

: DH is in charge of our 22 month old when we go out, and he is also responsible for nighttime parenting with him ( although he rarely wakes in the night now ).

 

[pixiewytch]

Thanks everybody. The trip went fairly well. DH did watch DS most of the time although there were a couple of times I was left on the beach while he "went to get a beer" and didn't come back for thirty minutes or so.

Listen to this though. His parents offered to watch Willow for a short time while she slept so that we could walk over to the tiki bar and have a drink. I was so excited!! You know what though, it was the worst part of the trip. I bellied up to the bar which I haven't been able to do in a long time and ordered my large fishbowl glass mai tai. As soon as I got it I started to feel guilty. People were asking if I was going to drink it all by myself. Geez people, I used to drink martinis and gin and tonics like water. I can handle a fruity drink. Anyway, I sat there sipping it in silence and was not having a good time. I ended up pouring half of it into to go cups and leaving to see how she was doing with massive anxiety and no buzz. So it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

Ultimately I guess going someplace without her right now is still going to make me uncomfortable. This makes me believe I will have to wait until she is mostly weaned and less dependent on me to really let loose and have a good time. Although this gives me a more definitive time frame, it doesn't necessarily make me feel any better. I know, I know, enjoy these years because before you know it they will be grown. It is just tough when you are actually living in those years and the days drag by so slowly while you imagine all of the things you are missing.

Oh, and I agree with eighty and you other gals about just leaving and not getting too wordy about it. My DH is definitely that way. He will give all sorts of reasons why I shouldn't go out without him and when it comes right down to it I do have to simply tell him, "look, this is on the calendar and I'm going to do this with so and so on this day so you better be home from work by that time." Even so, I don't think I'll feel entirely comfortable doing that for awhile if I'm worried about the baby the whole time I'm gone.

 

[anamama]

If you leave plenty of EBM, you should just go and not worry about it. And trust me, darling, after that 2nd G&T, you might just relax a little and get a fresh perspective enough for it to really sink in that she is with her Daddy, she is safe, and she will be there when you get home in three to four hours.